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PLEASE HELP - DESPERATE AND AWFUL DIVORCE :-(

(1000 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 18:03:07

I apologise in advance for the very long first post, but this is a story and I have no idea how I am going to move on with my life. My husband and I had a baby 11 years into our marriage as he was suddenly desperate to become a father. I already had a daughter from a previous relationship. I didn’t want to have another child if I am honest because I knew that he would struggle to cope and that it would be such a huge change. I was 42 when our son was born, my husband 39. Our son was a very difficult baby who suffered reflux, cried constantly and didn’t in fact sleep at night until he was 2 ½ years old. In the meantime, he was referred for statementing for ASD due to severe behavioural problems. Clearly this put a huge strain on our relationship. 2013 was a very difficult year, my husband receiving a life changing medical diagnosis which affected him quite deeply, I also had two cancer scares and some serious family issues. I also had severe PND which I didn’t seek proper help for, thinking I could cope. All of this put a huge strain on our marriage in many ways. Last October, my husband walked into the kitchen at 8 in the morning and told me he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving, he then walked out for the whole day rendering himself unavailable. When he returned home he said he wouldn’t leave for a few weeks but I got together every last one of his possessions/clothes and asked him to leave, which he did early the next morning. I was absolutely stunned, I didn’t see it coming at all and while I knew we were having a rough patch, there was nothing that was insurmountable. He assured me that there was nobody else involved and I believed him, I couldn’t bear to think otherwise. However, his behaviour was then astonishing. He raised a divorce petition with his solicitor within 3 days on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (so I knew he wasn’t coming back apparently), sacked me from his company (completely illegally), cut off all financial support (despite initially promising that nothing would change financially), cancelled the Sky package, mine and my daughter’s mobile phones and took his name off all the utilities, even taking the credit balances. He had already set up post redirection to the house of a friend where he said he would be staying and announced that I would have to start claiming income support and tax credits and that he would pay the mortgage for the next 13 weeks until I could claim Mortgage Interest Relief. I was just stunned. He just kept throwing things at me, not giving me a chance to breathe or recover. I didn’t eat a thing for two weeks, existing on coffee and protein shakes, losing 2 stone in the process, all while trying to care for two devastated children. I then received a text from him that was clearly not meant for me “you are my life”...I thought I was going to have a heart attack, the shock was indescribable. I subsequently discovered the OW was somebody who had been known to us for around 12 years and was unfortunately somebody I really disliked, much older than my husband and to top it all, her husband was killed last March in an RTA. I initially made email contact with her, explaining my sadness, she replied but tried to use her dead husband and grieving child to imply that she was vulnerable and nowhere near ready for a relationship and I took some comfort (and hope) from that, but it soon became clear that this was not the case and she became increasingly nasty and vile as time went on, especially when I caught them out at a log cabin weekend away when my husband said he was on business. She has called me some awful things, complained about being “bored of your pitiful your bleating”, calling me a “sad fuck”, “grow up and move on”, “if you were so great, why did he leave”, “you kid yourself this is all my doing”, absolutely tortuous abuse. Surely she is the one who involved herself with a married man?! This woman runs 3 child based businesses in a small town and can’t afford the damage to her reputation. She even had a solicitor write to me to threaten me. I have suffered an assault by my husband with police and social services becoming involved, the hell of a contact centre as a result of that, it has been a never ending nightmare. I finally filed for my own divorce on the grounds of their adultery which my husband tried to overturn by pretending he was gay (!). He finally told me that he met her again after a gap of 8 years at the beginning of October via work. He said that two days before he left me (on the 19th), “they” decided they wanted to be together and he tried to do the right thing by not having sex with her until after he’d left the house!! I have subsequently found out that he moved straight in with her (after less than 3 weeks, really?!) and only 6 months after the death of her husband. I can’t believe this relationship hasn’t been going on for much longer but he completely denies it. He re-registered his business to her business address 5 days after leaving me, listing her address as his home address. Last week he cancelled the car insurance just as I was leaving to take the children to school. Who is this man I was married to for 14 years and has turned into a complete stranger, selfish beyond belief and without any moral compass whatsoever? They taunt me with taking custody of my son, tell me I am not fit to be his mother, yet my husband shows no interest in my son’s very many medical appointments and only sees him twice a week, leaving me to pick up the emotional mess my little boy is reduced to every time. I just don’t know how to cope. I have developed some serious health problems as a result, which she saw fit to mock quite unbelievably and am trying really hard to keep myself together but it’s getting harder by the day. I have a great support network, even my husband’s family who have completely disowned him but I feel so lonely and frightened. I never imagined I would end up in a situation like this at this time of my life. My husband has given up EVERYTHING except the clothes on his back to be with this woman who is a horror to look at and surely must have some emotional issues to be behaving as she does and “moving on” so quickly after the death of her husband. My husband no longer has any friends, all have turned their back yet apparently it has all been “worth it” as she gives him lots of “cuddles, kisses and greets him nicely when he comes through the door”. I am not even joking. I am starting counselling this week but with the divorce becoming ever more nasty and awful, I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband is also desperate to involve my son with this woman, something I think is totally inappropriate at this stage, especially given her antagonism towards me. I just don’t know which way to turn. Again, apologies for such a long post and believe me, this is the short version. How will I ever recover from all of this and how do I cope with such a vindictive pair especially in relation to my children? I feel like my life is no longer my own .

JaneinReading Wed 19-Mar-14 18:20:49

How awful for you.

Is the main issue the disability of your child and the fact you don't work so need financial support from your ex husband? Did you give up work when your second child was born?

Do you have a solicitor and could you apply for emergency interim maintenance until there is a final court hearing on finances?

None of who did what and who said what is really relevant although it will have a big impact on how you feel.

Is the father of your first child involved in its life and does he pay towards the first child?

Can you not negotiate a financial settlement with your ex to avoid a court hearing?

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 18:37:20

Thank you JaneinReading...

The financial situation is complicated. I did indeed apply for income support and tax credits . I am just awaiting a decision on the mortgage interest. I have a solicitor funded by family. He pays maintenance but has been a pain with it on occasions. We are currently attempting mediation for finances but again he is being a pain and I have evidence of hiding assets etc. She is going nuts as she has to disclose as they co-habit. Yes, my daughter's father is involved and yes he pays. I think the issue for me is more emotional. These two people have created this entire nightmare, have tried to wipe me out financially and emotionally, abuse me and treat me like a nobody and threaten me constantly so that her "business and reputation" are not affected. I just can't come to terms with that at all.

JaneinReading Wed 19-Mar-14 19:07:05

How difficult for you. It must make it much harder to negotiate the finances objectively too. Perhaps they need to wait another year until things settle down before reaching a final financial settlement.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 19:12:45

Oh God, no way, he will bankrupt himself rather than make sure we are OK! He has already said he is moving out of her house as it's only "temporary accommodation", straight after it was revealed she had to disclose her financial situation (she is well off, her husband was a public servant who died in service in a road accident). He's been living there for five months! I am actually less worried about the finances than I am coping with the hell they are putting me through emotionally. My husband has actually said to me that when my daughter and I are "homeless", that is when "they" will take my son. My poor girl, he's been her stepfather for 14 years. What a disgusting man he is.

mistlethrush Wed 19-Mar-14 19:15:52

I think that you need to stop worrying about them and what they might or might not be doing and start concentrating on yourself and your children and making your future secure for them. I know its going to be difficult to do - but worrying about her really isn't going to help you in anyway. If the police have been involved and a contact centre is involved, is contact the best option for your son - and is this something supported by SS etc?

JaneinReading Wed 19-Mar-14 19:27:37

Yes, the less contact you have with him the better and no contact with her ever again. Just try to keep them utterly out of your mind, do things that cheer you up, learn to be happy again. At least the children have two living fathers who want to see them and one father at least pays. That is more than some children have.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 19:28:52

I know you're right, but they won't let me get on with my life, e-mail abuse, threats, it goes on and on. I have started making plans for the future which hopefully involve moving away and starting again. I had a great career before I gave it up to have the son he begged for and work for his company. My poor little boy, he said "you are only a single parent because you chose not to have a termination"...who says that about their own child? Regarding contact, social services were happy for us to go back to our usual access arrangements once they were satisfied that my son wasn't in danger and we have been discharged since the assault incident. I don't want the contact centre, I have to be honest, it's not an environment I want my son in, given his issues and it was upsetting for him when we had no choice but to use it. I just can't come to terms with how they have behaved. I realise that this is normal behaviour for those who know they are wrong and because of guilt but to keep trying to annihilate me to cover up their own shortcomings is just horrendous :-(. She knew he we had a child with issues and actually emailed me to say her "heart bled for your little man"....not enough not to break up his family though. God, I wish this feeling would pass!

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 19:30:10

JaneinReading...yes you are right, and I do try, but they just won't leave me alone.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 20:19:12

Sorry Mistlethrush, I didn't thank you for your post, so thank you :-)

mistlethrush Wed 19-Mar-14 20:57:20

Threats etc, email abuse - can you see if you can speak to someone who is in the dv section of your police (not as an emergency of course!) and show them the emails and texts etc - it sounds like harassment to me.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 21:54:58

I think I will. She actually reported me to the police for sending "malicious mail"...it was actually a very upset email I sent to my husband after the first contact centre visit. She has a family liaison officer because of her husband's accident and he contacted me...however, she failed to mention the continuous abuse I had received from her (note I have NEVER sent her abusive mail, have been nothing but civil despite provocation). I had to forward all email contact to him and she ended up being warned. It's just ridiculous. Her last email rant was so so upsetting, it really set me back. I replied saying that I wouldn't dignify her comments to which she responded "dignify this, fuck off you delusional prick". This is a 48 year old woman who has just lost her husband and has a bereaved 7 year old son. Absolutely beyond belief.

pictish Wed 19-Mar-14 22:11:34

Sorry OP I have nothing even slightly useful to impart, but I wanted you to know I had read.
Pair of absolute horrors. A pox upon them. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 22:31:25

Pictish...thank you....it's not just me then? They make me feel I am being unreasonable by not just disappearing off the face of the earth, handing over my son and not just accepting my 14 year marriage is over because they decided!! I must be an awful person!

JaneinReading Thu 20-Mar-14 06:56:36

Can yo not just change your email address and then you will not receive emails from them. Never email her yourself either - just try to get a distance between you. Moving a child away never feels right to me as you're moving it away from a parent - you probably would not like it if he moved away with your child. I know it's hard to see these things from both sides but if he and you could put yourselves into the shoes of the other it might get easier for everyone.

iquitsugarnow Thu 20-Mar-14 07:32:34

Oh you poor thing. This sounds awful! I am furious on your behalf and so sorry this is happening to you. What a pair of absolute monsters, honestly.

Firstly, can I suggest you ask for this to be moved to Relationships. Just report your post to MHNQ and they will move it. You will get a lot more replies that way and plenty of emotional support.

I also second the idea of changing your contact details. Do not engage with these awful people who seem to enjoy baiting and taunting you. However furious you feel, talking to them on text or via email is only going to make you angrier. They sound as if they are enjoying winding you up. Don't let them - from now on, I would maintain a dignified silence.

Have you seen a solicitor? I would seriously consider the benefits of your ds having a relationship with his father at all, he and his new woman sound absolutely toxic. Of course they will not get custody, and neither will they make you homeless. These are just empty threats designed to upset you.

Is going back to work an option? The less reliant you are on this man the better in the long run.

I am glad to hear you have RL support. This must be awful for you and so painful. In time hopefully you will see that you are well rid of this vile excuse for a man and his revolting new partner is welcome to him.

I am going to work now but will try to post again later. Please keep posting and definitely get the thread moved to relationships as there are lots of lovely ladies on there going through similar awful situations who will be there for you.

You don't deserve this, you sound lovely. This is all about them and their nasty issues, not about you.xxx

wannabestressfree Thu 20-Mar-14 08:20:31

I wouldn't except ANY emails from her. Block her. Treat her as something on the bottom of your shoe and inconsequential. You have your children. Please don't let them get under your skin.
Unless it's something involving contact- which should take a paragraph at most- I would just answer 'have forwarded to solicitor' and let them deal with it. Don't waste your reserves on such an arsehole. You will come out ok in this and even better you will have your children's respect.

wannabestressfree Thu 20-Mar-14 08:23:13

And another thing for someone so concerned about you sullying her reputation she is giving you plenty of ammunition. Don't be bullied, pushed into making decisions, brow beaten etc just have the mantra 'have forwarded to my solicitor' and let them stew....
So angry for you. If your in south east your welcome to a cuppa x

MrsC1969HJ Thu 20-Mar-14 10:01:42

Thank you everybody, I wish I had posted on here 5 months ago when I was literally on my knees with the pain of it all...

JaneinReading - It is difficult for me to change contact details, I have already had to do that once as my husband cut off my e-mail account and it was a total nightmare letting everybody know. I haven't blocked them simply because they are literally digging their own graves because every bit of abuse, lies, admissions, they have texted and e-mailed them all. They are beyond stupid. I would like to move because they live so close by, my home doesn't feel like my home anymore and I often see my husband driving around in her dead husband's car! I haven't even been able to sleep in my own bed since he left, I am still on a mattress on my son's bedroom floor. I need a fresh start but this won't be easy in my current circumstances!

iquitsugarnow - thank you for your kindness. I am making plans at the moment to refresh my qualifications because I will need a decent job to support the kids, I can't rely on him, he's left us on benefits! My son has just started pre-school as part of his assessment process and will start mainstream school in September. I have a solicitor who is dealing with the finances, I have done the divorce myself and have just received my decree nisi - oh how angry they were that I filed for adultery, the indignation was actually hilarious, it was all about how it would affect her, but I didn't actually name her, I tried to rise above it. I do worry about the toxic situation in relation to my son. I still cannot fathom how somebody could lose their husband and move a virtual stranger in within six months and after what they say was a 19 day "relationship". I believe it has been going on a lot longer than that and this is why my husband is so prickly about financial disclosure. I understand they are pretending he is a lodger (!) and that they haven't fully "come out" yet. It is the first anniversary of her husband's death this weekend. No thought given to her little boy who must be terribly confused. They have also said that my husband and I were "long separated" before they got together, an absolute lie!! What have they got when this is all over? A relationship based on lies, mistrust, affairs, bereavement, abuse. No, I don't want my son involved with her, but it appears I have very little say in that. My husband is counting down the days until 6 months are reached as his solicitor says it is the minimum time they recommend before introductions but I know that my son sees her parents and he has come back speaking about "grandma and granddad", absolutely disgusting.

Wannabeestressfree - thank you! Indeed, I am trying to keep communication to a minimum. I have forwarded all crappy emails to my solicitor and her family liaison officer. It is funny, with two small towns right next to eachother, there are links between friends etc and people will talk! My husband hinted to me yesterday that they are building a case of harassment against me and this was because one of my friends knows somebody who knows her best friend!! How paranoid and ridiculous. I have never harassed them and I have only ever been polite to her because I won't give her the satisfaction. She NEEDS to blame me for everything and sully my reputation to justify what she's done! She even said that it was my fault they decided to get involved. Mental!! I have asked for this thread to be moved...it's a blockbuster!! I am in the South East, I will PM you :-) Thank you ladies, I am so glad I took the plunge and posted :-).

mistlethrush Thu 20-Mar-14 10:10:38

MrsC - I know it must be difficult, but you are really spending too much time getting worked up about what they do and what they're saying and how soon it is and the dead husband etc etc etc.

Its awful - I can understand that. However, what you need to be concentrating on is you and your children - not all of that. So find out how you can get your qualifications, start looking at housing, work out what other things your Ex might still have control over and cut them out of your life.

MrsC1969HJ Thu 20-Mar-14 10:21:20

mistlethrush, I hear you, I really do. However, I do have to consider the effects of all of this on my little boy and it really is a toxic situation. My son is a sensitive little soul, I am unable to trust this woman around him and I know that my husband is in complete denial of the fact that our son is undergoing assessment for autism and he does not see the pieces I have to pick up every time he comes home from an access visit. It is a poisonous situation to put him in and they need to face up to this. I have offered to have a meeting with them both to try and clear the air but predictably, she will not see me as she is a coward. I am doing all of the things I should, the only thing I have no control over is the desperate and all consuming pain I feel about the loss of my family and husband and the total callous disregard with which he has treated us. That is going to take a very long time to come to terms with!

mistlethrush Thu 20-Mar-14 10:25:27

Contact etc is obviously perfectly reasonable to be concerned about. But you can't do anything about the rest so leave them to stew in their own pit of hatred and try to have as little to do with it and spend as little time thinking about it as possible.

MrsC1969HJ Thu 20-Mar-14 10:28:43

I know, it does help to vent though!! I do wish I could put it out of my head but I just can't at the moment, early days I guess. It's only been 5 months and I am grieving I guess. I am hoping counselling will help me come to terms and help me deal with my own anger about the whole situation. Thank you for your sound advice :-)

Oh love. Am glad you feel on top of things financially and legally - make sure that remains the case. You are a lioness now, fighting to protect her cubs. Be merciless.

On the emotional front, as the survivor (just!) of two very messy divorces...I got some comfort, bizarrely, the worst the twats became. The same revelation of true colours that you seem to be suffering. Because it destroys any lingering nostalgia, love and sense that you should still be together. He's a nasty, nasty man, who's found a nasty, nasty woman and THANK GOD you're not with him, and free now to find someone who's the opposite. As I did. Eventually!

This WILL pass. And life will, maybe quickly, maybe slowly, but WILL get better smile.

Hemlock2013 Thu 20-Mar-14 11:15:24

God, I'm appalled at this. You must be in bits about the whole situation.

No advice other than what everyone has already said but keep going because this will end. And you will be far better off. X x

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