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Motivational thread for those struggling with leaving

(68 Posts)
Helennn Tue 18-Mar-14 21:36:15

Hi all. Wondered for a while if we could have a thread with all the positive things i have read on various threads here from people who have been brave enough to leave a bad relationship. Maybe a brief synopsis of the reason for the breakup, and how you feel about it now? Any mantras that got you through?

I am on the brink of leaving what i consider to be an emotionally abusive marriage of 20 years, but cant seem to jump off the cliff. I read on here people saying they only wish they had left sooner, but is there anything in hindsight that would have helped you make the break sooner ?

Nomodrama52 Tue 18-Mar-14 21:48:37

Hi Helen, like you I'm stood at the edge of the cliff trying to get the courage to jump, I'll be watching this thread, hopefully will see some positive stories.

Good luck x

louby44 Tue 18-Mar-14 21:56:39

I ended my relationship of 6 yrs last December. Loved him and I believe he did love me, but he was a complicated man. Anger issues, struggled to communicate with me like an adult, he would ignore me for days, and the icing on the cake is that he emotionally abused my DC - he was horrible to them and I just had enough.

We remained in the same house for 2 months. He met someone 3 weeks after I had ended the relationship and on the 7th Feb he moved into a rented house and I believe that his new girlfriend of just 7 weeks moved in with him including her 4 year old daughter.

My decision to end the relationship was thus confirmed as the right thing to do. the man has major issues that he drags from one relationship to the next. He is constantly the victim!

It's been hard but the fog is lifting...

Chickens123 Tue 18-Mar-14 22:00:34

I left a physically and emotional abusive relationship. I'm alone and very unhappy but I am alive and relatively safe. Seek legal advice and go for it, it never has the chance to get better with a millstone for a wedding ring. At least if you are free you may have a chance.

Chickens123 Tue 18-Mar-14 22:03:10

And yes my ex was moved in with his new 'belle' within a month. Not sure what happened after that.

CurtWild Tue 18-Mar-14 22:10:33

Hi helen and nomo. I have recently left an abusive relationship, separated now for almost five weeks after nearly six years together. I moved out with our 3 very young DC after twelve atrocious months of our relationship deteriorating to a point where he was like a stranger to me. Emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive, aggresive and destructive. It crept slowly into the relationship over the last three years, shortly after DD1 was born and became gradually worse. Stbxh had an EA with a girl and after a few months of dithering 'chose' me and DD1. I don't think he ever forgave me for his choice.
We went on to have twins (now 16 mo).
It was shortly after xmas when his awful behaviour towards me started happening in front of our DC (shrieking abuse in my face, slamming doors, smashing things) plus flirty texts to a girl, that I finally said enough. With some financial help from my brother, I was able to secure a lovely little house for us and we left.
Honestly once I'd made my mind up, nothing could stop me. Yes it was daunting and there was a lot to sort out but I absolutely knew I was doing the right thing, not just for me but for my babies. I could not let them grow up in a home like that, thinking that's the norm, accepting their lives would be punctuated by aggressive outbursts from daddy and mummy crying herself to sleep.
Stbxh still attempts to control me, often via refusing to visit our DC if he doesn't like my tone of voice on the phone. I don't engage with him anymore, other than conversations regarding our DC.
I am happily alone, making the house a home, being the best mum I can be, working on myself. And I do feel like my old self again, my confidence (and sense of fun and humour) are back in abundance.
I miss the relationship it could and should have been, I miss the man I fell in love with but not the man he became. These days my mantra's are 'do not engage' and 'onward!' They work for me. Good luck with your journeys smile

RollerCola Tue 18-Mar-14 22:13:25

My ex & I separated last July after being together for 23 years, since I was 15. My only regret is not doing it 5 years earlier.

Our relationship was perfect until our first child came along 12 yrs ago. Then he lost interest in me, never wanted to spend time with me or the children. Became EA and started having text/phone affairs with other women.

5 years ago we tried Relate but he really didn't seem to want to try, and I couldn't talk to the counsellor about his affairs in front of him as he just denied them. The reason we limped on until now was purely the children. I couldn't bear telling them we were splitting up, so I kept hoping things would change.

Fast forward 8 months and I am a completely different person, and touch wood the children are fine and happy. Looking back I really do think we should have done it sooner, because our oldest child at 12 does understand more and I've worried more about her than the younger one who's 7. He's not questioned it once.

I'm happier than I've been in probably a decade. I don't worry about coming home any more because of his moods. We laugh and sing and dance every day. I've redecorated without having to ask anyone's opinion. We go out with friends all the time & have fun.

It does upset me when I think back to how life should have been, and how many years the children have not had a 'real' family for. But they're ok. I hope one day they'll understand.

If it's your children holding you back, please don't worry about them. They deal with it better than you'd think, especially if you can talk openly about it and stay reasonably amicable with your ex.

Good luck. Go for it when you're ready. You'll know when it's the right time. Look forward not back. You have a future and it can be wonderful.

Helennn Tue 18-Mar-14 22:39:57

Thanks all for taking the time. I don't really understand what is holding me back, I'm prettty certain it will be for the best but it feels such a big thing to do. I'm also worried that my brain will forget most of the bad bits and i will regret it.

I am looking forward to lots of the things you talk about such as getting my self-estem back, having fun and decoeating the house. Just need to bloody well open my mouth and say it.

Any more motivating mantras or even questions to ask myself to help me decide would be great.

Good luck Nomodrama, and all you other lovely ladies out there thanks

Handywoman Tue 18-Mar-14 22:50:48

'Nothing will be as hard as staying'

I left inadequate low-grade EA STBXH last June. When I kicked him out my work suddenly flooded with light. I feel emotionally miles better than I ever have since having the dc. I have a lot of work to process what happened (start counselling soon) but I will never, ever, regret leaving the marriage. My kids are more relaxed and happy at home now and are thriving.

Handywoman Tue 18-Mar-14 22:51:20

* world not work

Helennn Tue 18-Mar-14 22:59:57

'My world suddenly flooded with light' - Handywoman. That is lovely to hear. I am suffering from anxiety (yes , popping the pills), so that is a lovely way of thinking of it.

Sk002 Wed 19-Mar-14 00:06:04

I am on the edge of that cliff too. This is a great thread. Good to know there is light afterwards, because it's a dark spot on this cliff. Good to hear your kids are coping well Rollercola. I am worried about how mine will react.
I am just waiting for the right moment to tell him it's over and start the first day of my new life.
Keep the inspiration coming!

Feckthis Wed 19-Mar-14 00:20:10

This is a lovely thread. I've been on the edge for two years...this is helping

Holly300 Wed 19-Mar-14 01:46:14

I'm following this post as I'm in the same situation. Been in ea relationship for 12 years and have 2 kids. Mentally something has clicked in me and I know I want to separate/divorce, but can never find the right time to tell him! One piece of advice I can give from experience... If this is 100% what you want to do, when you tell him he may plead with you, promise you he's going to change, ask you to give him one more chance; don't do it, once you have given in, and he then breaks his promises, it may be a long time until you can gather the strength again to get where you are mentally now. So stay strong and stick to your guns. Good luck xxx

After I left my exH there was something that helped me. I came to our old home to talk to him about finances and he was slumped in a chair, asleep/passed out, smelling of alcohol, couldn't wake him (not dangerously IYSWIM, just drunk), still in his clothes from the night before. I briefly thought, "what should I do?" then had the wonderful thought, "it's not my problem any more". I was so happy that I could just leave him to it, it no longer mattered to me what he did.

FWIW, I think we were really bad for each other. Yes, he was a cock but I wasn't a great wife to him. We are now both in relationships, with a child, happy. Just not with each other.

Chickens123 Wed 19-Mar-14 05:26:05

I told my ex to fuck off on Xmas eve when he'd taken my daughter to the other side of the country to stay with his family, and funnily enough, his not so secret bit on the side answered the phone. Every one know but me! For me there was never a good time. Just a time .

Chickens123 Wed 19-Mar-14 05:29:05

And Holly. My ex said 'let's give it 3 months and see what happens. If he could have fixed it in three months, he would have done so three months ago. Furthermore you are not giving him the option to stay or go it's not HIS choice it's your choice and you say go. So go he does.

something2say Wed 19-Mar-14 07:21:19

I have worked supporting women leaving men for eight years now. This is what I have come to see.

They struggle and try and try at the end to put it right.
Then they tip over and leave.
They are grey and ashen and colourless.
They can see where they went wrong, when they should have left, the warning signs.
They are quiet and dark for about four months.
Then they start changing.
They look different, they are full of plans, their space is different.
They are lighter to listen to.
No matter how little money they have, suddenly there are new clothes, shopping bags, replacement things that they left behind.
They don't need to come and see me every week because they are through the worst.
The children skip and sing coming home from school.
They swear they will let things get to that stage again.
They have career plans.
They manage on their own money with a bit left over for nice things.
They laugh a lot, their hair and makeup is different and there is often weight loss too.

There comes a time that staying closed in a bud is more painful than blossoming.

Sk002 Wed 19-Mar-14 07:23:15

I know what you mean Holly. I told him to go late last year. He begged and pleaded for another chance. I gave in. Big mistake. Now I have to find the courage to end it all again.

CurtWild Wed 19-Mar-14 08:57:02

I think if you're waiting for this fabled 'right time' you'll be waiting a lomg time. For me, once my mind waa made up, I told him I was leaving, looked for a place and left. No more teetering on the edge feeling half alive. Stbxh is a fully functioning adult, fully capable of looking after himself and I'm assuming all your partners are too. They won't let themselves go hungry or homeless, trust me! Stbxh had secured a place with a mate for a week or so then found a flat.

He wanted to try again, felt sure we could fix it, but something had died in me when it came to him and our marriage and although part of me still loved (loves?) him, I couldn't bear to put myself and DC through another day of life with him.

So if you're waiting for the perfect moment to tell him you want to end it, I'd say there isn't one. Just have the courage of your convictions, grasp the nettle and do it if it's what you truly want.

What somethingtosay wrote above is a brilliant description. But by the time I left, I'd already passed a good few of those early stages whilst still with him. I knew I'd done all I could to be a good wife, to change, to look inwardly at what might make a difference to the marriage. And I could do no more. The rest was down to him and he saw nothing wrong with himself. By the time I left, I was already looking to a brighter horizon. When I locked the door to my new little home the first night there, exhausted from the strain of the move, I flopped down on my sofa and looked around. And rather than be filled with dread at the prospect of being a single mum and having to do everything myself, I couldn't wait to be able to make decisions based on what was right rather than what would please stbxh, couldn't wait to get stuck in on the mammoth task of redecorating so I could make a cosy home for me and my babies. And five weeks on I've done just that. People comment on how much more alive I look and my young DC have adjusted fine, but then they are very small. I look forward to getting up in a morning these days, we play and laugh and sing and dance without being growled at. Of course there's bills and worries, but it's easier to deal with those when the rest of your life is happier.
No regrets.

Feckthis Wed 19-Mar-14 21:44:58

Oh curt that's lovely. I asked him to go this morning. I long for that freedom.

Handywoman Wed 19-Mar-14 22:01:11

Well done feck

CurtWild Wed 19-Mar-14 22:29:26

You've made the first step feck, well done. Onward.

Nomodrama52 Wed 19-Mar-14 22:54:02

Somethingtosay- great post... Felt abit teary reading it, especially the first 4/5 on the list...

Curtwild- that's literally exactly how I feel about my h, like something inside has died for him. I do still care about him, and I sit and remember how things were when we first met and all the good times we had, I wonder where all that went and how much I wish I could feel like that about him now. It's so sad, especially feeling like this after having dcs. He makes me feel so crap that I don't love him how he wants, but it's not as if I CHOOSE to feel like this about him.

Feck- well done, if that's the right thing to say, please let us know how things work out for you x

Feckthis Wed 19-Mar-14 23:20:26

Thanks it's been a long journey (see 'do I bin' thread in this topic. Sure it will b long still.

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