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Xp has called social services. I'm terrified and really upset.

(54 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 14:37:56

Background - I finally left my abusive cocklodger dp I'm December. Since then I've been doing OK, he still tries to control me but I'm wise to it now and don't give in. He has been quite bad recently, turning up whenever he feels like it and it got the point where I had to change the locks because it turned out he still had a key.

He can be very jekyll and Hyde. For example, I'm still insured on his car and he offers it to me if he knows we have appointments or something. I stupidly thought he was just being nice and thinking of us for once but he then started to use it against me for more access and as a form of blackmail. I'll give you the car if you give me dd2 for the night etc, that kind of thing.

He is absolutely useless as a father. He hasn't got a clue how to fit the car seat into the car so he just doesn't bother, he can't fold the pram (9 months on, he still won't let me show him) so dd2 (9mo) just gets carried everywhere, he can't change nappies properly, hasn't a clue how to make a bottle and will not let me show him how. I have never let him have dd2 on his own. He is not capable of looking after her and I'd be too worried that it would be dangerous. He's more interested in his phone and ignores her. He doesn't want to see dd1 on his own, just dd2. Dd1 (4.10) is not his but knows him as daddy. She's very confused.

Both dds have had a sickness bug the past couple of days. The days leading up to them being ill, I was ill and really struggled on my own. I am miles away from friends and family.

He turned up out of the blue a few days ago and the house was a tip because I was ill. Dds were playing happily and I was sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas looking like death. He went off on one about the mess. I'm lazy, disgusting, an unfit mother, his daughter is suffering and he is going to have her removed. I asked him to leave and thought nothing more of it.

He text me later that evening and said he had been in touch with social services and he was going to get custody of dd2. I stupidly replied telling him I was moving to my hometown in the next few weeks (I am, but was waiting for a good moment to tell him) and that he wouldn't be getting her. My hometown is 30 mins away and I can't wait to move back. My family and friends are there, I've got a lovely house with cheap rent and I'm surrounded by parks and countryside.

He is fuming. He has told me I'm not going and that he has called the benefit fraud line and reported me. I'm not claiming fraudulently but I know from experience that they can suspend your claim until they investigate. I'm scared I'm going to be left with no money.

About an hour ago I had a phone call from a social worker letting me know they would be round about 5pm this afternoon. I'm terrified. The house is immaculate and I'm feeling better but the dcs are still ill and I'm scared they will think I've harmed them. I have no idea what xp has told them but it will all be lies because they are well looked after, clean and fed.

Any advice?

I feel sick.

nicename Tue 18-Mar-14 15:24:59

If they turn up, and are SS, be polite, answer the questions and don't get emotional. Remember - you are gobsmacked that he has reported you, amazed that they are there and embarassed for them that they have to ask you the questions.

Don't excuse him - tell them about him, don't let rip but dont sugar coat it. Don't put him down in front of the older child, and don't forget that you are well shot of him.

NigellasDealer Tue 18-Mar-14 15:26:03

so your ex gave your phone number to social services did he?
i would definitely ask for ID of anyone who shows up

nicename Tue 18-Mar-14 15:28:41

Its odd that they made an appointment so fast if they don't already have a file on the family. The SS are generally drowning in cases - I know someone who has had to call them in for children that she really thought would be beaten/starved to death (she is a teacher in a really deprived area) and they took weeks to intervene.

poorbuthappy Tue 18-Mar-14 15:28:58

Yes to checking ID properly.

tibni Tue 18-Mar-14 15:35:49

Safe and well visits in themselves are routine and SS do not expect immaculate houses and angelic children. They will want to see and meet your children and have a chat with you. Might be an idea to have cbeebies or favourite DVD to distract little ears.

Showing texts and writing down key things you want to tell them can be helpful as it is easy to forget things under pressure. Be prepared that ex couldn't have just said house is a mess but that doesn't mean SS believe him.

This is horrible for you but not unusual for SS.

NCagain Tue 18-Mar-14 15:40:43

Look up the number of the social services in your area. You can do this easily by going on your local council website.
When the person turns up get their ID details.
Ask them to wait while you phone SS to confirm the appt.

A bone fide social worker will not have a problem with this. They will appreciate that you are safe guarding your children given that you did not initiate contact or make the appointment.

Do NOT ring any number the person gives you, just the official one from the website.

Sorry if this scares you, but you cannot be too careful.

Did the person who phoned you give their name? They should have done. If they did, you can ring up SS now and check.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 18-Mar-14 15:47:59

You must confirm this is legit first. Be calm, you have nothing to hide. You are a good mother and he is an abuser.

AdoraBell Tue 18-Mar-14 15:55:30

I'm also surprised they made an apptointment so quickly.

As other's have said, if they show up and are SWs they will see through his líes. Don't let Anyone in To your home without checking their work ID.

30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 16:59:44

Thanks for all the replies sorry I was tidying up and making sure everything was as it should be. I'm just waiting on them now.

I also thought it was strange regarding the quick appointment so I will definitely check id when/if someone turns up.

I really can't wait to move. I hope he gives up soon sad

TheLastNameLeft Tue 18-Mar-14 17:03:45

The quick appointment will depend on the gravity of the allegations made against you 30secs. Having worked in a referral and assessment team (and qualified for 17 years as a SW) we do not go out lightly. It sounds like your ex is being very vindictive, from what you have posted, so if this is the case please do not worry. Just be honest throughout your meeting.

I have been out to assess many families where the original allegations have been found to be nothing but vindictive, it is a complete waste of time for us (as a service) and horrifying for those poor families involved.

If I can be of any further help please PM me. Good luck and take care.

littlemisssarcastic Tue 18-Mar-14 17:17:31

OP, I have had similar experiences with XP. He has made various allegations to ss and each time, it has been investigated and found to be unsubstantiated.
SS are usually very quick to weed out these allegations but as they told me, they have to follow up every single one.
I have probably been reported to ss by XP about 15 times in total. It has never ever gone any further than a visit, a chat and a quick inspection of my house including a cursory look over dc's bedroom and bed.
I wouldn't worry about it at all.

DrewsWife Tue 18-Mar-14 17:19:35

Hoping they have been and gone by now. Try not to worry.

My ex reported me numerous times over the years. Bruises, underfed (she had a dairy intolerance) poorly... She had arthritis and dairy intolerance. She always was unwell. And sick.

And the best one... I was running a brothel!! grin his reasoning according to the social workers question was... Lots of men come in and out of your house!!! grin My two brothers, 3 male cousins and a couple of uncles. Told them that if I was running a brothel I wouldn't be the size 24 that I was then.

Don't stress about it. Stressing is exactly what he wants you to do!

wannaBe Tue 18-Mar-14 17:54:28

I am shock at the number of people whose ex's make such malicious reports. IMO making malicious allegations should be a criminal offense.

littlemisssarcastic Tue 18-Mar-14 18:08:07

I had so many allegations made against me by XP that I asked my solicitor to warn XP that since all these allegations were unsubstantiated, this was harassment.
Solicitor explained to me that allegations to ss cannot be deemed to be harassment, no matter how many times it happens.

30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 18:25:01

They have been and gone.

The woman was lovely, her male colleague never spoke at all confused

They had a chat about the allegations made - he is claiming I'm beating them and starving them hmm and I happily let them have a nose around the house. They weren't here long, half an hour or so and left the house satisfied that there was nothing to worry about, or that's the impression that gave. I told them about the texts and threats and they said that if the threats get serious or personal, I've to contact the police so there is a proper record of it in case it needs to be used in the future

My ex is an idiot and I'm keeping records of texts, calls, ss visits and things because he will be the one who looks like a clown when this inevitably goes to court (custody etc) at a later date.

Thank you for the reassurance I feel better now and I can relax for the rest of the evening because I've got a sparkly house wink

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 18-Mar-14 18:28:14

What a nob. Did you check their id?

nicename Tue 18-Mar-14 18:31:14

Glad its over now! Keep records of everything the arsewipe says/does. Karma will sort him out.

yourehavingalaugh Tue 18-Mar-14 18:32:27

I have been through the same - ex reported me several times -,and SS checked the children's bedrooms and even their clothes. Even if my house had been a tip (it wasn't) I don't feel they would have taken it any further. They are only interested in child protection cases.

DollyTwat Tue 18-Mar-14 18:53:35

My ex reports me to SS regularly too
They know it's malicious, they have a cup of tea, chat to the dc and no further action

No idea what he gets from it, must be a control thing
Glad it all went ok op, you're a good mum and need to get far away from this fuckwit

Theoldhag Tue 18-Mar-14 19:24:55

My nasty cunt badger of an xh did the same, ss, dwp and housing, I went to the police and filed it all. If he does anything else I will take it further. It is also good to log with gp and let the dc school know what is happening. I learned to leave a paper trail so should I need it in the future it is all there.

I hope that you are ok thanks

Men like these should be imho used for vivisection.

whitesugar Tue 18-Mar-14 20:05:51

Well done for staying calm and getting through it. I second the suggestion of keeping a log of when your child sees their father and any maintenace payments made (if any). Your EXP's behaviour is sadly predictable. I would ring the DHSSPS and advise that he is making a spurious allegation relating to a fraudulent claim. I hope you will be very happy in your new home, it sounds absolutely lovely. Your DC are better off with an absent father rather than an abusive one. Move on and away from him. If he is as predictable as I suspect he won't pay a penny towards his child and will continue to make your life hell for as long as he can. I have been there and urge you to cut him out of your lives. Don't let that person wreck your life. Your future is bright grasp hold of it and enjoy your children.

Contact the police and inform them that his threats are vindictive. The more your inform the authorities the more support you get when he threatens you. Remember verbal threats are as valid as physical threats. If you have not already done so, see a solicitor to establish residency rights with your child by him. Go to the CSA and claim maintence for your child by him. I would also inform your doctor and the school. If he makes any further spurious allegations against you that SS need to investigate they will contact your doctor and the school and if they have been forwarned by you they will put it into their response to the request from SS.

If he ever deigns to pay you a penny for his child ask for it to be put into your bank account so that there is a record of any payments. As for the complaint that you are moving 30 minutes away that is ludicrous and no authority will take it seriously.

Apologies for such a long reply but I would hate you to go through the unnecessary trauma that myself and other uninformed mums went through. I wish so much that mumsnet had existed when I went through the same thing. Apart from all the above go and see a counsellor at Women's Aid or similar to get some support for yourself. You are only human and have been through a very tough time. I wish you well for the future from the bottom of my heart. Don't let that person contaminate your future. Good luck and well done for being so brave against the odds x

The male would have been the 'second' worker, and the woman was taking the lead and asking the questions. Nothing at all to worry about (I'm a social worker).

30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 20:22:42

Whitesugar thanks so much for that.

Yes I will be leaving a paper trail of everything, including any maintenance payments I somehow manage to get from him.

I can't wait until all of this is over. I will always remember the support and advice I've had from this site, it's fantastic

Meatfeastpizza Tue 18-Mar-14 20:39:22

I'm afraid this will be my exes next move, he's clearly desperate to regain power and control over me, and this would be the sort of wild vindictive action he would take.

Big hugs, and definitely keep a record of everything, he's bound to fuck up at some point and give you grounds for a non molestation order or something.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Mar-14 20:46:41

People who make allegations like this should be reported to the police for wasting professional people's time. While those highly trained people were at your house there will have been a child truly suffering somewhere else. Wasting resources like this is a truly shameful act, akin to making prank calls to ambulance services. It should be prosecutable. That would stop the fuckers maintaining control over their ex's by any means.

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