Straw poll.... 'I've not been happy for some time' = OW/OM

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Indulge me MN-ers. I personally got the 'I've not been happy for some time' line and it turned out to mean 'I've met someone else'. Mealy-mouthed variations would be 'I don't know what I want any more', 'I've never really loved you', 'I'm not sure if I still love you'.

So have you had one of these lines and did it eventually turn out to be an OW/OM?

[barnet]

Well I haven't been happy for sometime (female). And it doesnt mean I've got someone on the side. It means i'm sad about the state of my marriage.

[LavenderGreen14]

Yes to the line and yes to the OW. Laughable in his predictability.

[Alchemist]

Yes, OW.

[Greenrememberedhills]

Yes. On a weekend away he said that things had changed and that we had real problems. It turned out years later actually that his new ow habit was what had changed.

[CrispyHedgeHog]

Yes.. he said he wasn't happy.. and within a couple of weeks I discovered OW

[basgetti]

Yes, my first marriage. His 'feelings had changed' and he wasn't sure why. It was OW.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Things have changed and we have real problems'.... sounds familiar. :)

[BeforeAndAfter]

Yep. Although he didn't say anything until I started playing 20 questions with him, along the line of "something's wrong, tell me" for a few weeks.

Then he followed the good ol' script:

"I don't feel the same way any more"
"I need some time away to rediscover my feelings for you" (the only thing he was feeling while away was the OW...)

Of course the OW had been on the scene for eight months by then.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Adding 'feelings have (mysteriously) changed' and 'don't feel the same way' to the relationship phrase book.

[LavenderGreen14]

Is funny how it came as a bolt out of the blue. One day saying how much he loved me, the next day the spark had gone, he was going to leave for a few weeks to see if he would fall back in love, etc...

How do they all know to follow exactly the same pattern and cliches - are they all members of a secret forum where they are told what to do. Unfathfulgitnet.com or sommat?

[Keepithidden]

I'd be very surprised if you straw poll rated anything less than about 90% OW/OM existence Cog. It's likely to be even higher here than in RL too, despite MN being a reasonably accurate reflection of RL (note I'm not a Population Statistician).

FWIW though, I'm with barnet. It's very easy to go from, "I'm not happy" to "I've not been happy for some time" to "I don't know what I want anymore" etc... Love does die in relationships after all, I have a bit of faith in a lot of people admitting this before jumping on the bones of someone else. Maybe unrealistically tho'.

[Keepithidden]

"How do they all know to follow exactly the same pattern and cliches - are they all members of a secret forum where they are told what to do."

The best lies are those that just subvert the truth.

[CurtWild]

Yes. Stbxh said this..turned out he was having EA (and later admitted it had been 'physical' once), with 18 year. Started about three weeks after I gave birth to DD1, dragged it out for another three months after I found out because she didn't deserve to be hurt . Nice.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Same here Lavender. I got 'let's try for a baby' just a few days before 'I've not been happy for some time'. I think - being quite clinical about it - it's almost like they give themselves one last grand gesture shot at being enthusiastic about 'Old Woman' as a way to convince themselves that it really isn't working & they want 'New Woman'.

[LavenderGreen14]

I just cannot comprehend the behaviour quite frankly - mind you with my ex it was all about control and bullying. The whole relationship was, shame I didn't see it at the time. Good riddance - OW is welcome to him.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

No. I've been in a relationship where my feelings did change, I became much less happy about the relationship and there was no other woman in sight (and I was single for a good two years after the split)

[Sk002]

I haven't been happy for a long time. There is no OM. In fact, if anything, OH has put me off men for life. Well, for a long time anyway.

[BramblePie]

I was the one who said it and yes there was OM.

I didn't want to hurt my partner by saying that so i said i hadnt been happy for some time and i guess that was true really.

[JonesTheSteam]

I don't love you and yes an OW

[moonfacebaby]

Mine went from a Christmas card telling me he was so proud of all we'd achieved & more in love than ever to a few months later - I'm not sure how I feel anymore. A fraught month or so from me & some clever digging, then found the OW.

He'd been unhappy for a while apparently - would have been nice to know that before I'd had our second child. His affair started when DD2 was just 4 months old.

He was so scripted, it was bloody laughable - every ducking cliche under the sun eg. Younger woman, work colleague, then it was all my fault (and still is, apparently)....

[moonfacebaby]

Fucking - not ducking!

[LineRunner]

OW #1 = 'I think I'll sleep in the spare room tonight to give you some rest' [I was 7 months pregnant]

OW #2 = 'I'm leaving you. There isn't anyone else.' [DCs 3 and 5]

I fucked him right off after that.

[CashmereHoodlum]

Yes and yes. Also, for about a year before I found out I read the relationships forum avidly. Never bothered before that. The affair had been going on for 18 months when I found out.

[FolkGirl]

Yes and OW.

I would say though, that I was also unhappy (largely down to his behaviour) but I wouldn't have cheated.

[taratamara]

another vote for yes - OW, and the unhappiness is in retrospect... if they were unhappy at the time and say 'I'm unhappy' that's different, as something can be done about it potentially.
'I've been unhappy for some time' often leaves their partner and is more presented as a fait accompli - prelude to leaving