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Disappointed DD isn't getting engaged; I'm being silly I know...

(62 Posts)
indigo18 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:27:48

I suppose many people won't understand, but anyway... DD is late twenties and has been with her lovely partner for two nearly two years, living together for six months or so. Not long after they got together she said they planned to marry, and that is still the plan. I had, stupidly, thought they would get engaged soon, but I am told there are no plans yet, maybe in another year. I am stupid to be disappointed, aren't I? I know, it's nothing to do with me and all that matters is that they are happy, but I had built up this idea in my head. Go on, put me straight...

NurseyWursey Mon 17-Mar-14 19:32:00

Yes you're being silly, but you know that and you've already said it's nothing to do with you.

Why is it so important? As long as they're happy it really doesn't matter.

You sound like my friends mom. Her and her boyfriend have been together since they were 16 and are now in their early 30s, and not engaged. They are both extremely happy with how their life is. Her mother however, isn't, and constantly drops hints to the point of embarrassment and it putting a bit of a wedge between mother and daughter.

pillowhogger Mon 17-Mar-14 19:32:28

Yes! If my mother was putting this kind of pressure on me I'd be freaking out. Why are you so fixated on it? Isn't it more important that they do or don't do what is right for them? I hope your daughter doesn't know how you're feeling!

chloecorey Mon 17-Mar-14 19:32:42

If it helps I'm 20, partner 24 and we have been together nearly 5 years and only just ha a child. We've only recently decided to get engaged but not planning on a wedding for a while.

Probably won't help but that's my experience smile

MrsBennetsEldest Mon 17-Mar-14 19:32:43

Strictly speaking I think the tradional way in these things is,

1, get engaged.
2, get married.
3, live happily ever after ( together).
4, have children after 2.

It's not the usual way anymore. I think getting engaged means very little nowadays.

paxtecum Mon 17-Mar-14 19:32:55

Indigo, just be glad that your DD's DP is so lovely.

I watched my daughter marry a selfish, verbally abusive man - it wasn't good.

ginmakesitallok Mon 17-Mar-14 19:33:18

Why do you want them to get engaged?

chloecorey Mon 17-Mar-14 19:34:03

Also like mrsb said it doesn't mean a massive deal too us as we love each other very very much and i don't personally think it defines our love it just shows the extra commitment.

indigo18 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:36:16

Gosh no, I don't say anything! I just knew they were going to their special hotel for their anniversary, and I kind of hoped! They seem happy too and he is a lovely chap! I don't know why it matters. I'm ashamed to say I am envious when friend's daughters get engaged or married and I know that is WRONG, aargh!

RiverTam Mon 17-Mar-14 19:37:05

I don't really see the point in being engaged - if you want to be married, get married. Just to put the wind up you - DH and I were together 10 years before we got married, and we never got engaged! (and we'd had DD in that time). Whereas I had done the whole trad thing in my mid-20s - engaged for a year, white wedding - and it lasted less than a year.

Priorites!

Is it because you want your daughter to have a big white wedding? Would you be disappointed if they wanted to elope?

indigo18 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:39:06

paxtecum, so difficult, I feel for you. DDs previous partner was a manipulating arse and I was relieved when they broke up. DO I come across as controlling; I so don't want to but I feel sad about it.

usualsuspectt Mon 17-Mar-14 19:39:07

It's her life.

SwedishEdith Mon 17-Mar-14 19:39:52

But they are engaged aren't they? If you plan to marry, you are engaged, surely?

indigo18 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:41:44

I would be disappointed if I didn't get to see them married because they eloped, but I am not greatly in favour of huge weddings; I suspect DD will want to go larger than I would choose, but it will be her choice. You are all being kind, I expected to be told to do one!

2 yrs is quite soon for an engagement. Took DH and I 7 yrs before we got married.

Just relax - they'll get there in their own time i expect.

indigo18 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:43:13

Yes I get that they are engaged, but for folk of my generation it needed to be formalised.

usualsuspectt Mon 17-Mar-14 19:46:05

They are not of your generation though.

Why should she do things your way just so you can show off to your friends?

indigo18 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:46:53

I suppose the friends of hers who are getting engaged/married are the ones who have stayed together since University, some for seven or eight years.

indigo18 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:48:58

I suppose the friends of hers who are getting engaged/married are the ones who have stayed together since University, some for seven or eight years.

MaryWestmacott Mon 17-Mar-14 19:50:17

No, they aren't engaged if they haven't properly decided they are going to get married, it could be they've had a rough chat around it, but not actually asked and decided to get married.

In a lot of my parent's generation, they got engaged years before they actually started planning a wedding. Now it's far more normal to "get engaged" when one asks the other and then they start planning the wedding straight away.

Don't expect an engagement announcement until you think they are at the stage to get married, have they bought a house? Any plans for a big holiday? Probably other things they wanted to get sorted financially first before planning to get married.

Oh and from my friendship group, men started asking around 30, most brides were around 27-28. It does seem to all hit at the same time in a group, has she suddenly got a lot of weddings to go to? It tends to focus the mind once the first few start... grin

SwedishEdith Mon 17-Mar-14 19:51:20

How old are you OP? I suspect we're probably of the same generation anyway grin And I've never understood the point of formal engagements

MaryWestmacott Mon 17-Mar-14 19:51:57

X-post - yes, that's normal, the ones who've been together for a looong time are the first to get married.

If they've not lived together for a year yet, it's unlikely they will be getting engaged/planning a wedding soon - sorry! You've probably got at least another year to wait.

Roseandmabelshouse Mon 17-Mar-14 19:55:16

Two years is nothing. I think she is being very sensible waiting longer.

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