Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Any regrets over leaving your dh/dw/dp????(37 Posts)
I am in the process of leaving my DH, taking small dcs with me, moving house, changing schools, the whole shebang. Will be signing lease this week, but I'm getting such cold feet about it all, I'm literally lying there all night thinking what am I doing, what's going to happen to us, what if I can't cope being a single parent, what if the dcs hate me for doing this etc etc.
My biggest fear is what if in a few weeks/months, I massively regret leaving dh, what if I realise I've made a huge mistake?
Am I doing the right thing....
Has anyone had any regrets once they have left their ohs? Or was it the best thing to do and once settled, everything will fall into place?
I'm really really scared and anxious and I don't have anyone else to talk to about all this..
Any advice appreciated x
Completely natural when there are a lot of 'unknowns'. People tend to regret the things they didnt do more than the things they did. You must have plenty of reasons for doing what you are doing. Hope you have lots of RL support in your new locality. Hugs and good luck
None whatsoever. It's scary, unsettling and daunting in the early days but you will amaze yourself with your strength. Depending on the reason for the split, you will probably find peace. Mine was a lying cheat & I escaped from feeling scared, mad, and like I was worth nothing. I now live in a happy house with my lovely DC's & we are really close.
I typed out something, then cancelled it as handywoman said it all. Good luck with it though, you'll be fine. My mother did this with my siblings years ago, brought us all together and worked out just fine.
Yes I think it's normal to feel like this but you must have got to where you are for a reason. Write down pros & cons to get it clear in your head. Also write down the practical solutions to what you are worried about.
9 months on I still have days where I wonder if I did the right thing but then my ex does something to remind me why. Being single is much less stressful than being in a shit relationship
I didn't regret it for a single second, I flourished and was finding myself again and generally really loving life with my DD.
Until he met somebody else at Christmas, well that broke my bloody heart and I couldn't eat for a week, was sick as a dog but that was just jealousy, absolutely nothing to do with wanting him back. Also the idea of another woman around my child etc.
Overall, ending that relationship was the best thing I could have done. I've lost 4 stone, applied to go back to college, made new friends, started just enjoying simple day to day life so much more!
That is a lot of change for kids to deal with in one go. Splitting is and enough but school change and house change too. They may react badly but more because of everything in their lives changing, not just you splitting.
You know, with first dp it was wish I'd done it sooner, wish I'd had the balls to acknowledge it wasn't working and left before I found out about his infidelity which, while it gave me my 'out', destroyed my self confidence.
Of course you'll regret it and wonder - if you're even half human - why are you doing it now? write it down, read it.
Good luck x
When I left my H I had moments of massive panic about whether I was doing the right thing.
I sat down and thought how I would feel if I was still there 6 months down the line?
I didn't want to look back in 6 months and think 'I wish I'd had the guts to go through with it'
Thanks for all your replies x
Maleview- me leaving the house etc is not my choice, he wants us out, it's his house. So I've got no choice.
There are quite a few reasons for me doing this (leaving him), I did one or two things which I'm not proud of either and it certainly didn't help the situation.
There are so many things I'm worried about and stressing over, one of the main things being finances, and the other just being alone to do absolutely everything... At the moment dh is hardly around and he hardly does anything around the house, never has tbh, and even with kids, I do pretty much 99% of everything. But it's the mentality that he's still around in some way or form iykwim.
I've written down all the pros and cons, but the state of mind I'm in at the moment, I keep justifying the cons, and I'm convinced most of them are down to me or my behaviour/attitude.
I'm hoping that like some of you, I'll look back in a few months/years and we will be happier, but all I can imagine is me sitting there realising I've completely messed everything up and it's all my own fault.
Springtime- I'd hate to sit there and 6months later I'm still stuck in the position I'm in.... It would need a huge huge miracle for things to change between us now, I can't see it ever happening... I feel so sad and guilty for doing this to the dcs.
Only regret is that I didn't do it sooner - actually, only regret is that I dlet the relationship happen in the first place.
Read the list of Pros. Look at the list of cons only in terms of what you can do to make them less bad.
Being around to do absolutely everything is brilliant - you may find that there are huge chunks of 'absolutely everything' that don't actually have to to be done at all or are much easier to do on your own.
I've been separated from stbxh for a month now and no, I don't regret it. I'm sad for how it could and should have been and sometimes nostalgic for the 'nice' him. But no, no regrets. He was emotionally and verbally abusive, aggressive, destructive, loved to flirt and set about destroying my confidence to keep me in my place. He was extremely charming to the outside world, so no one knew the him from behind closed doors and of course when I left with our three very young DC, he was the victim and I was the bitch.
But I don't care, I know what it was like and I know I made the right decision. I have made a lovely home for me and DC and can honestly say that as daunting as it seemed at the beginning, it was the best thing I could've done. I feel like myself again and best of all, my babies get a nice calm home.
Just picture yourself a couple of months down the line, when you're settled in and your DC are making friends and loving their new school. You might feel sad for your old life but hopefully you'll be looking forward to a new one
Awwww, thanks curtwild, that's really good to hear.. Thank you to everyone else too.
I know inside that I'm perfectly ok on my own with the dcs as it's usually only us anyway, dh is hardly around, but it's the long term effects on dcs etc that I'm worried about too. I just don't want them hating me for leaving and taking them away from their dad..
Thanks for your replies, it does make me feel better knowing people have done the same and come out the other side feeling much better and more hopeful for the future. X
'being alone to do absolutely everything'
What I find is that this is actually an advantage. Being fully in control of everything and fully responsible for everything is, admittedly, a little daunting at first and can be stressful. However, you will also discover that you are stronger and more resourceful than you think because knowing you have no-one to fall back on is very motivating.
Your DCs will not hate you. Something else I've found an advantage is that the parent/child relationship changes. When there is just the one parent in residence you become very close to your children and include them more in decisions than when there are two parents 'in charge' and the kids simply wait for instructions.
It's normal to be apprehensive
You are bound to have up and downs about it, I think. See it as a new adventure for you and your little ones.
Being a single parent can be tough, but it also fantastic and agree with others you will become much closer to your DCs.
If you have DCs under 5 you could see if there is a HomeStart in your area - and get yourself a volunteer to help you and your DCs through the changes. They are just other mums who provide a listening ear and practical support. Good luck, you will be fine.
Nomo I am having similar thoughts as my split is going through and contracts are being singed for new houses and plans made for sharing the DC's time over the summer hols. I feel like I am going mad for having the doubt now.
These are the questions that my DF asked me to think on when I told him I was feeling down about it all: What went wrong in your marriage? Would staying make you happy? Do you or DH have any real desire to reconcile? I am still sorting through those questions, my DH has met someone since we decided to split so the option of reconciliation is gone and I think it's that sense that this is real and happening that is slightly unsettling.
How are you feeling today?
Everybody is saying the same thing that my relationship with dcs will become better etc. at the moment I am pretty much doing the job of both parents anyway so I guess I should find this an easier transition to actually BE on my own with them. Thanks cog and news for your replies x
Bigred- I know exactly how you feel.... I know dh hasn't met anyone yet, but I'm pretty sure he will remarry soon as he can. This scares me a lot, the thought of another woman being around the dcs and how they will feel about it, they are only little so they are not going to understand what's going on. I feel very guilty about putting them through all this.
I don't think there is any chance of due working it out, we have had ups and downs, mainly a lot of downs over the past 5/6 years. It's just got worse and now we are literally not even speaking. It's very awkward being in this kind of atmosphere and I'm sure the dcs know it too.
I know dh has a lot of good qualities and he would be a great husband to someone, but i just can't bear to be close with him anymore. I feel like I literally can't talk to him about anything without it turning into an argument, there's a huge wall between us and we just can't get past it.
There's also the social stigma attached to me leaving him and I know everyone we know is going to blame me for the whole mess.
I'm lying awake at night just worrying myself to death about everything. I never imagined my marriage would become this disaster and that I would be dragging dcs along with me. I feel like a failure.
I'm going through this too, although I'm keeping the house so am in a horrid limbo til he fucks off in April. The atmosphere is awful and I'm feeling v stressed. However he is revealing himself to be such a monumental arsehole now that he knows the "being nice" tactic is pointless and it's confirming for me tenfold why I'm doing this. So hold onto that, once you've left he will probably really show his depths of twattery and you will know you did the right thing!
Ashadow- thank you, your post although sad, made me laugh, I like the word twattery!
I'm hopefully moving out next week, I'm totally dreading it... Moving all the furniture and our belongings out whilst he is still around.... Arrrgghhh, feel sick thinking about it :-(
Hope you got friends and family there to support you moving furniture etc. Give you some extra strength
If you're married the house isn't his btw. It's almost certainly a joint asset even if only his name is on the deeds. See a solicitor as a matter of priority. Check out what you're entitled to. I didn't regret splitting with my husband. There are ups and downs but I'd never ever think about getting back with him now. Good luck.
Newsandreviews- no family and friends here at all, that's one of the reasons why I've been faffing about the past few months thinking of how I'm going to actually do this. I'll be taking most of the furniture etc with me, I bought it all whilst I was working and plus I figure as I'll have the dcs with me, their comfort and convenience are more important than his.
Lovingfreedom- the house belongs to his family, so I have no entitlement to it at all, that's why I'm the one that's having to leave. He has told me countless amount of times to leave and that he isn't a charity that will keep me under the roof whilst he pays the bills.... Didn't realise keeping his children here was a charitable act on his behalf but there you go. I buy all the food, kids clothing, pay for fuel, other bits and bobs from my savings. I don't work, yet he thinks as I have some savings I should use these up.
No. I didn't regret splitting up with dh and we split for over a year. However we are back together and all is well and the year apart made us realise how much we were good together rather than apart. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
I regret not leaving sooner.
Hard to understand why now but i agonised over it and feared i would regret it. I cant believe mow i thought i might end up regreting it!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.