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what nice things do you do together?

(77 Posts)
user765 Mon 17-Mar-14 10:22:53

DP has cheated. Had an affair with older woman. Says we don't do anything nice together any more (DD is 8 months old....yes I know he has been totally selfish and treated me appallingly). Anyway he wants to come home and work through it. We have decided to devote more time to each other and get a babysitter etc.

What things do couples do together to rekindle the romance? Anyone in any successful relationships with some advice? Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 12:44:59

Oh please.... you think she's the only fish in the sea? So he's lost this one and is back for now. But there are plenty of other women in plenty of other business venues and commercial hotels etc. and men like your DP really aren't all that fussy.

Your friends mean well but all they missed off that ridiculous list of excuses was 'boys will be boys' and 'mid-life crisis'.... Don't let them lower your standards.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 17-Mar-14 12:49:49

For a start I don't think you should be the one coming up with 'nice things to do together'.

If you've chosen to stay with him he should feel so priviliged and lucky he should have enough 'nice things' for you two to do for the next five years. He should be putting the effort in now...

Him blaming you stinks btw. He could've communicated how he felt instead of shagging an ow sad

Jan45 Mon 17-Mar-14 12:50:26

She turned up at your place and threw his stuff at him, you don't do that unless you still have feelings, still doesn't mean it's over.

There's just not enough convincing from his side that he is truly committed to you.

Jan45 Mon 17-Mar-14 12:52:08

You are worried about his state of mind, what about yours?

Still no excuse for what he has done, what happens next time he's not feeling himself?

Can't help but think you're accepting the boobie prize here.

Logg1e Mon 17-Mar-14 12:53:09

OP don't be scared. You have more options than staying a man who treats you like this or being alone. Far more.

Whose name is the house in? In fact, once he's off on his trial separation I think you need some legal advice. That's not to say you'll act on it, but it's useful to have just in case.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 17-Mar-14 12:53:41

Just read the last bit if thread (sorry- annoying I know)....

Op, he sounds like a total piss taker. Baby born July, affair started in sept????????

That, right there, is what the man thinks of you. Sorry, but he is a disrespectful cunt.

Logg1e Mon 17-Mar-14 12:54:02

Also, sorry this is personal, but have you been had sex with him in the last 8 months?

laregina Mon 17-Mar-14 12:58:44

OP I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're going through this - and to agree with others in saying that he's not worthy of your worry 'about his state of mind' and of you trying to think of 'nice things for you to do together'.

He started having an affair two months after you had given birth to his baby?

You and your DC deserve so, so much better than this sad little excuse for a man. I suspect that once you get over the shock and desperate panic to try and make things work, you will realise that.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 17-Mar-14 13:03:39

The 'state of mind' thing is what every woman I know has said when their partner has cheated/been caught cheating. In every case it turns out that there is nothing at all wrong with their state of mind, they are in fact just behaving selfishly and like a cold hearted twat.

woodrunner Mon 17-Mar-14 13:05:12

Here's a list of nice things he can organise for you to do together to show he cares for you and wants to win you back. We do/have done all of these together:

Book theatre tickets
Go to a gig for a favourite band
Go to local room in a pub style comedy improve nights
Go to mainstream comedy
Have a night away somewhere not too far away but really romantic
Sneak off for lunch together while DC are at school/childminders
Go to an art gallery
Cinema
Go for a stroll and a smooch round gorgeous gardens like Wisley or Eden project.
Restaurants that do food small children hate so you never cook it at home anymore.

Does he know how clichéd it is that narcissistic immature men run off in the first year after the baby is born because the attention is no longer on them and because their wife is exhausted?

Here are some things he can do for you, so that you can recoup enough energy to decide whether you want him or not.
Buy a really good ready meal or take out and a comic film or box set once a week so you can have a good night in and laugh together.
Bring you flowers.
Buy you a facial/pedicure/manicure/flotation/massage/haircut

Also important is to have fun as a family together.
Go out for Sunday lunch as a family to a pub or restaurant.
Go for walks in the park or a boat ride down a river. Or to an outdoor film or concert. Nothing too much like hard work, just fun stuff that's easy to organise.
Buy a bike for him with a seat on the back for baby then go out for a ride together. That way you get a break from being the one who is always first to check on the baby, and he bonds with her more.

FWIW I think it is a great idea to forgive him and give it another go, so long as it's on your terms. He really needs to make a lot of effort to be a brilliant husband and father.

lilly3000 Mon 17-Mar-14 13:08:15

Op, you sound like a fixer. The thing is, you aren't the broken bit here and you can't fix it simply by creating an atmosphere conducive to harmony. I am talking from experience here. He has to be so sorry about this, so BITTERLY ASHAMED, he would walk on broken glass to undo the terrible wrong he has done your relationship. If this isn't the case, I'm so, so sorry, but I'm afraid it is likely to happen again. The fixing here needs to come from him.If it doesn't you are simply treading water until the next devastating revelation. Problems in a relationship come from both sides, but when the line of an affair is crossed the blame lies solely with that person. It's an individual choice to desecrate that trust. I really wish you weren't having to go throughout this. sad

lilly3000 Mon 17-Mar-14 13:15:45

through this

BranchingOut Mon 17-Mar-14 13:19:51

If he really wants to be with you he needs to arrange somewhere to stay.

You date twice a week, no sex. He thinks of nice things for you to do.

You go to counselling.

He stops either rugby or weekend working, because one of the days he will be seeing your daughter. He will need to do this regardless, as that is what would happen if you split.

You speak to a solicitor to find out your position.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 17-Mar-14 13:32:32

Ok, have you had an STI check?

Is it over because she ended it? Or because he wants it to be? Two very different things.

Is he back with you because she ended it? Don't be the consolation prize.

You want his heart to be in it. Again, you're talking about him and not you OP.

A lot of men get stressed, baby's are hard work, it's not an excuse to have an affair.

What is he doing to show you he wants to make it work? What are his actions (not words)? Why are you having to come up with a list? It's not your job.

I'll say it again. You need longer than a week. A week is not a trial separation.

(Apologies if you've answered half of this OP, I've been sat on the tube).

user765 Mon 17-Mar-14 14:36:32

In response to logg1e, yes we have had sex. Things were fine ( I thought ) in that department. We have sex less than we used to because if baby and because I go to bed earlier and him later but still have sex once/twice a week.

Logg1e Mon 17-Mar-14 14:38:03

Sorry, I wasn't being clear OP, in that case you will need to get checked for STDs.

Oly4 Mon 17-Mar-14 14:44:06

OP, sorry this has happened. I hate the way when somebody asks for advice in mumsnet after an affair they are told to throw their partner out and never look back. Relationships CAN survive affairs, not all, but some can. I YOU want to try again then that is your choice. You don't have to justify it on here. I do agree you should go to counselling as a couple though. And he should be working out how to make this up to you. But if you've both been unhappy and the relationship needs work, it is fine for you to want to try and fix it. Good luck x

Logg1e Mon 17-Mar-14 14:50:27

I used to feel very similar Oly when I first started reading on MN. Advice offered seemed very harsh and, I thought, unrealistic. Who would chuck out their partner of years on the say so of some strangers on the internet?

But.

I realised that the advice is what is most likely to prevent heartache and pain in the long term. And just because it was harsh and the cheating partner should move it, the advice wasn't actually saying that the relationship should end. It was saying whether the relationship ends or you try again, this is the best way of achieving either.

I also realised that it was incredibly refreshing advice compared to the attitude I had been raised with and was used to from society in general. Refreshing and full of common sense.

Jan45 Mon 17-Mar-14 14:56:00

Oly4: on here you get the truth, not some friend trying their best to let you down gently by saying one thing but really thinking another.

I doubt any one person on MN actually acts on the advice of a stranger.

SelectAUserName Mon 17-Mar-14 14:59:51

Nice things we do together:

1. Have sex exclusively with each other
2. Avoid lying to each other
3. Stay faithful, physically and emotionally
4. Don't blame the other for something that was our fault
5. Put each other first
6. Keep our wedding vows

Are they things your husband is up for, do you reckon?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Mon 17-Mar-14 15:04:49

So, even if you become the perfect wife and provide sufficient entertainment for Dh what about next time. What about the next time you are pregnant or heaven help you were ill, does he stray again because his needs aren't being met.

You need to have a good think before you start changing your behaviour.

lilly3000 Mon 17-Mar-14 15:39:30

My relationship has survived an affair, two and a half years ago after ten years of marriage. We are really happy now, after a lot of work on his part, but now, knowing who he could have been, I look back on the years before and feel a bit sad. It feels like lost time when I was insecure and didn't really understand why. The reason was that I don't think he valued me/us sufficiently. The truth was, despite two children he was more invested in the idea of himself, than invested in the idea of us.The heartfelt commitment that is at the core of life-partnership was weak but I kept thinking that it was something I wasn't doing. Now, after nearly losing everything, he is like a different person and as a consequence I am finally happy. It is possible for things to get much better, but the changes have to be dramatic. Don't accept less than you deserve. I wish i'd figured this out earlier.

Ludways Mon 17-Mar-14 16:11:26

The affair was well and truly his fault, however if the decision has been made to stay together then it's both parties responsibility to make it work. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

The blame is his but to constantly make him prove himself will only result in an uneven relationship. Oh yes, he absolutely needs to work bloody hard but he needs to be happy too or it simply won't last.

Things we do together,
Watch tv but make sure we're talking the whole time, passing comments on what's on, discussing whether we like the show etc.
Make time for sex or just cuddling on the settee
Talk as much as we can, we try to make each other laugh
We go to comedy gigs and music gigs
We try to have a meal after the children have gone to bed sometimes. So it's just us.
Don't just get a bottle of wine, get some strawberries too.

I really do think communication is the key

Good luck

Oly4 Mon 17-Mar-14 20:41:45

Yes, I was only saying that I think some people base their responses on their own experiences where it didn't work out/he cheated again. So they say throw him out, don't put yourself through it. Totally understandable!!! But everybody's relationship is different. Like lilly3000 said above, they can survive, you have to figure out how and if that's what you want.. And you have to make sure you are both happy. This does not mean I think you should make it easy for him. You shouldn't, he shouldn't think he can do this again and just keep coming back!! He has to realise what he can lose. But if you want it to work it is fine to try!! That's all I'm saying

user765 Tue 18-Mar-14 09:31:27

On an update OW has demanded a payout of £10,000 from his company to leave! She knows he/we cannot afford this. Its hardly like she was an innocent victim in all of this...I know for a fact she knew what she was getting herself into and lied about her age. She already gets money from her ex husband and is driving round in a convertible. £10,000 is totally unreasonable. What a mess.

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