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Dh just explodes every so often

(51 Posts)
irishchick30 Sat 15-Mar-14 23:03:48

My DH used to be really lovely but in the past few years he's got nastier and nastier towards me at times. He swings from being very loving to suddenly being awful towards me, often with little or no provocation. By little provocation, I mean something such as me objecting to a joke or comment he makes about me, or me being 'awkward' and not doing as he says.

Every so often he will explode at me, make out I'm in the wrong, and then come out with a string of things that I've supposedly done recently that have pissed him off, ie things where I haven't done as he says.

This morning he made a nasty comment about something I was wearing and when I objected to it he then escalated it into an argument, saying I'd started it and that I'm always moaning at him (I'm not at all, in fact if anything I try to make an effort to be upbeat), that he doesn't like me at the moment and that today he didn't want anything to do with me. I got upset and then tried to sort things out before I took the DC out for the afternoon, and he said he wants to still be married to me but it will "depend on my behaviour" towards him.

Honestly though, he gets in such a strop if he thinks I've said things snottily when I haven't, or basically if I do not toe the line and just do as he says.

He then said he is going to start pulling me up on things that I do that annoy him and he started having a go at me because one day this week I left our bedroom curtains closed during the day and didn't make the bed, because I was out all day after dropping the DC at school, and when I got home I didn't go upstairs and forgot about it. I said that there are loads of things that I do do every single day to keep the house running smoothly and he started asking me what they were and I said some of them and he was scoffing and saying things like "that only takes a minute". When he's in moods like this he picks apart everything I do and starts making out that I never do anything in the house.

I do work BTW. Not as many hours as him but I do the bulk of the housework (although it's never good enough), cooking, childcare.

I feel really low.

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 23:06:37

nd he said he wants to still be married to me but it will "depend on my behaviour" call his bluff? he sounds like a prick tbh but he might sharpen up if the next time he picks you apart you give him this back.

You have to be prepared to follow through

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 23:06:51

though

pictish Sat 15-Mar-14 23:10:12

Yeah he's a prick. He'll make you miserable. He does already.
What do you propose to do about it?

Lweji Sat 15-Mar-14 23:16:15

He actually sounds abusive

I mean something such as me objecting to a joke or comment he makes about me, or me being 'awkward' and not doing as he says.

He puts you down, pretends to be joking, and he expects you to do as he says, then threatens to leave you if you don't put up with it.

TBH, I think you should take the first step and decide you don't want to be with this bastard.
What are you getting from him at the moment? (and don't say hes's a good dad)

Lweji Sat 15-Mar-14 23:17:11

What does he do when he explodes?

YoniMatopoeia Sat 15-Mar-14 23:17:12

Imagine still being in that situation a year from now, or 3 years,
Or 10. Is that really what you want.

His does not sound nice or normal to me.

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 23:20:30

it seems to be a pattern that after the first child is born is when the nasty guy 'relaxes' and lets that side out. Did he change around the time you were pg or your child was born?

BertieBotts Sat 15-Mar-14 23:21:47

Honestly your post is screaming "emotionally abusive and controlling" at me. Him, not you, if that wasn't obvious.

You don't have to do what he says, he is supposed to be your equal life partner, not your army superior. The fact that he even has a vague hint of thinking that you should speaks volumes alone - the lengths that he's prepared to go to to try and make you think that pretty much sound the klaxon.

I wonder if this started during pregnancy or when your first DC was born?

irishchick30 Sat 15-Mar-14 23:24:46

Yeah it did start once our first child was born and has got steadily worse and worse.

When he explodes it's verbal, nothing physical. He just rants and raves and says very hurtful things. Today he said I was the "most uptight person I've ever met"

He won't let me discipline the kids, even though they are well behaved, but he gets moody if I discipline them so I feel powerless there. I forgot to put that in my OP.

pictish Sat 15-Mar-14 23:26:04

What they all said btw.
He sounds very abusive.

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 23:31:42

He sounds awful.

You have a decision to make, it seems. sad

BillyBanter Sat 15-Mar-14 23:33:27

He's not going to get any better and your child is going to grow up witnessing it and thinking it is normal.

What do you want to do?

Mummytom1403 Sat 15-Mar-14 23:34:19

I've spoken to friends with and without kids and this seems to happen quite a lot with men and it is usually linked to lack of sex.

milkysmum Sat 15-Mar-14 23:36:49

my husband used to have these explosions of anger and 2 weeks ago he was ranting and raving at me over some bloody gravy granuleshmm He then punched the wall next to my head in front if dd- he's nevet been physically violent but this was beyond belief! To cut a long story short I am 2 weeks in to being a single parent after I threw him out. For years I had put up with this jeckl and hyde husband but no more. I think you need to really think about whether you want to be married to someone like this but I am well aware that is easier said than done. How old Is your child?

babyheaves Sat 15-Mar-14 23:37:33

bollocks Mummytom. Its to do with a man being a controlling knobber and bugger all to do with sex. I didn't DTD with DH for well over a year when I was ill and never did he belittle me or behave like the OPs does.

OP, he doesn't sound very pleasant. He is mean to you and undermines you. That isn't the behaviour of someone very nice.

milkysmum Sat 15-Mar-14 23:41:25

mummytom that comment isnt at all helpful and actually reads that you think this is likely to be op's fault for not sleeping with her husband enough! I mean what the actual fuck?

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 23:46:24

OFGS

A decent guy can be disatisfied with his sex life without abusing his wife.
This guy is acting the bollocks because he chooses to.

Though even if he is lacking sex who can blame irishchick for not wanting to leep into bed with a guy who has been belittling her all day?

Lweji Sat 15-Mar-14 23:47:30

Well, lack of sex may well be associated with such behaviour.
Who would want to have sex with such twats?

BillyBanter Sat 15-Mar-14 23:48:51

How often does he explode at work? It must cause him a few problems with keeping a job.

Madlizzy Sat 15-Mar-14 23:51:11

Mummytom, that is a bag of shite and you know it.

To the OP, he's abusive and controlling and you don't need to put up with it. It's not physical yet, but it will be, pretty much guaranteed.

LEMmingaround Sat 15-Mar-14 23:53:06

Just because he isn't hitting you (yet) that doesn't mean he isn't abusing you - which you know he is.

Fuck that, who does he think he is - it depends on your behaviour to him? I do think you need to help this man more - help him pack his bags, cunting fucker that he is.

LEMmingaround Sat 15-Mar-14 23:56:03

milky - im sorry you found yourself in that situation, but very impressed you took decisive action. As for mummytom - do fuck off dear, what a crock of shit.

nickelbabe Sun 16-Mar-14 00:01:06

fucking hell.
dh and I have had sex twice in.two years, so by that comment, he should be beating me up!

OP your husband is an abysive bastard and you need to get away before he does you physical harm (he's already managed to chip away at your self esteem)
it's not your fault and for other posters to suggest it is is bollocks. (btw, if somwone has sex with someone just to stop them abusing them is coercion and illegal)

fatowl Sun 16-Mar-14 00:21:11

He sound like my h.
I am making plans to leave.
While it is non violent I do recognise the abuse, I have my coping mechanisms and will go on my terms.

THe second he turns violent I'm gone. (I have enough cash in a secret account for airfares home - we live overseas)

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