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Are there any decent men out there ?!

(241 Posts)
lemonbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 15:13:22

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

littleunderdog Thu 25-Jun-15 12:04:14

If you want to find lovely men in your forties and fifties you have to try very hard, look in unusual places and be willing to settle for someone who is kind and wonderful company but not necessarily incredibly handsome or wealthy. They often have awkward body-language, too, from years alone/difficult twenties, that you have to ignore. It changes when they become happy. Why not try a folk festival? For instance Sidmouth? If you go along by yourself total strangers will be friendly and single men will dance with you.

Janette123 Thu 25-Jun-15 09:24:48

"Are there any decent men out there ?!"

Yes !

I had to wait years before I met my second husband, but it was worth the wait.

Why are you "separated" and not divorced? IMO until you have let go of one relationship you aren't ready for the next one...

Trills Thu 25-Jun-15 08:06:16

They don't have the same depth of emotion that we possess

Do remember that we are a very self-selecting group here.

Your exes might not have the same "depth of emotion" as a group of women:
# who choose to participate in a conversation abut relationships
# on a website known for its in-depth analysis of such

That doesn't mean that the distribution of feelings is not similar in the male and female poopulations.

Also "depth of emotion" sounds reallly wanky. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who claimed to have a higher-than average "depth of emotion", I imagine they would always make everything about them, because they feel things more than other people.

Loobyloo15 Wed 24-Jun-15 08:44:50

Short answer. No there arnt. You just have to find one who has the least issues confused

Holowiwi Tue 23-Jun-15 22:26:57

Nothing wrong with looking for someone slim if that's what your attracted to, there is no point pretending otherwise. It's not like you can't find slim people with all those positive personality traits listed.

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 23-Jun-15 19:53:53

I'd agree a lot with Velvet

I have been single (ish) for a while and find that there's efinitely a higher proportion of men who fit into a few categories:

1) The ones with big flaws that mean no one snapped them up yet
2) The ones who were awful to their FIRST wife and are dovorced for a reason
3) The ones who are bitter from their divorce / have unimaginable baggage that's more than you can cope with

I have, in the last couple of years I have been on dates with maybe 20 men.

A large portion fitted into each of the above categories.

I have dated two VERY good ones though. One just didn't feel I was right for him, and the other I felt he wasn't right for me.

I think there are good men, just a much smaller proportion than there was when we were younger :/

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 23-Jun-15 19:46:39

Early in this thread there are women sincerely reassuring men that of course looks and height don't matter - end of the thread - 'she has to be thin'. Mm-hmm.

As this thread is over a year old it would be nice to hear from some of the participants - any of you happily coupled up? Or still single but happy to be?

Spell99 Tue 23-Jun-15 16:54:15

As someone stated before, internet dating is extremely difficult for shy or even genuine men. A certain type of man will create a profile that will tick all of your boxes. Its relatively easy to see that most women are after the same man on paper. In essence they lie. They are confident enough to get a date through a few lines of text. I wouldn't be surprised if that is copied and pasted. They message every new registration and filter the ones they are interested in after meeting.

The ones you say you want are more honest and their profile is actually true, (bloody amateurs) so they don't get replies as invariably they don't look as good as the wankers. They also message very few people, the ones they think are real prospects mainly. So basically they get ignored.

But that's ok, don't feel sorry for them, the women that do engage with them are far less shallow and they have to date far less people to find someone special. They also get chased a bit by the friends of the women they know.

Men do have more choice from university, its a factor of two to one women to men attending. But this narrative of millions of attractive great catches lined up against a big pile of manchild fat balding idiots is laughable. ID sites are full of women with inflexible lists and criteria that no one can possibly meet. Written by women with a list of flaws their friends wouldn't point out to them or don't recognise.

On the men dating women with kids, Its not the fact you have kids. being a good parent is an attractive quality. But the competition is women who can arrange to go out, don't cancel all the time and a realisation that you are rightly very far down their list of priorities. Its not a concious thought (usually) but its understandable why relationships grow quicker without those factors.

King1982 Tue 23-Jun-15 15:59:13

I do like children. I just don't want any.
I mentioned 'thin' as it is an initial observation to whether I will be attracted to them. Things like intelligent, fun, etc, you figure out over time. It is very difficult/impossible to just look at someone and establish their intelligence for example.
You don't have to be a parent to use mumsnet. Most of the topics on here do not relate to parenting

Well firstly, if you don't have children, or want children, and prioritise a woman not having children as the most important thing you are looking for in a partner, you might be better off asking on a website that doesn't have a banner proclaiming itself as 'written by parents, for parents'. Presumably if you are so anti a partner having children you don't actually like children very much?

Secondly, anyone that prioritises 'thin' over say, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, generous, fun etc etc comes across as a bit of a wanker. Which is why I asked if you knew where you had been going wrong?

King1982 Tue 23-Jun-15 14:08:50

I'm 33, so find it hard to find woman that don't already have children or want children. I have tended to date older women (past the fertile age) or younger women (that are not ready for children), but neither of these options seem suitable for the long term.
Any ideas?

Usually by not being a wanker King, do you think that might be where you are going wrong?

King1982 Tue 23-Jun-15 13:56:17

What is the best way to meet women that don't have or want children? Also good sense of humour and thin

KiddingRight Tue 23-Jun-15 13:47:17

Hay - not sure you'll ever get this or read it, but, here goes........
I hope in some small way this helps you.
Abuse is normally two things in my experience and Reserch in adult relationships.
1. It is you and
2. It is the other person
Bare with, read on........
I too went through some of the awful things you have listed above, violence and lies about my character etc., whilst all the time I was with my perpetrator battled the general populous idea that, this man, was a great guy, so helpful, kind blah blah blah you get the idea. It made me sick, it made me angry it made me a ton of things. When we finally separated in Jan 2008 after 7 and a half years and 3 very young children, not only was I a complete and utter wreck but also GLAD. For the first time in as long as I could remember I felt I could breath however, it wasn't over. A 5 year court battle to keep my children ensued and all the emotional termoil that goes with it. During that time I decided to 'get smart' having had the police involved, womens aid and just about ever other professional body around at that time; I delved my heart and soul into Reserch of the law system and personality disorders. I became quite enlightened and surprised by what I was finding. We naturally attract these personalities (without realising it) like magnets. They are 'looking' for us as we are to them their emotional food. Mine was Narcisstic and Passive Aggressive a particular deadly combination that I have avoided (the warning signs and red flags of) ever since. Not an easy task I'll warn you, but you learn. There are a ton of sites around now that give you so much information about these 'types' and what YOU can do to avoid them. The main thing here is YOU'VE identified the problem by asking the question is it me? I'm the common factor ....... Having said that the 'problem' is only in part with you. In that you have unwittingly stummbled into a bear trap. The personality types you are attracting will NEVER ask the question as the 'faults' are ALWAYS someone else's. You'll see what I mean when you start to read (as I did) about their traits and how to avoid them. Im fortunate in the years I've been single, I've been able to pull my children out of the 'learned behaviour' racket; learn from my research; be stronger/smarter with my choices in life and learn most of all that being on your own is not as bad as it once seemed. You sound like a strong person under all that you have been through so in effect you are already halfway there. Even if it doesn't feel like that. Good Luck! smile

I know at least two very decent men. One of whom was badly hurt by his ex wife and has never been involved with anyone since. (8 years)

The other is a bit short, and slightly over weight, but is one of the kindest funniest people I have ever met. He is desperate to meet someone, and would love children. Women don't seem to see past his height and very average looks. sad

KiddingRight Tue 23-Jun-15 13:04:25

I'm with you! Over 7 years in on the Singleton Front and I completely agree. I laughed actually whilst reading and nodding in agreement. I wish I knew what the magic answer was, sadly I don't but, I do know this I have excepted the fact that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. Not to gain sympathy or sorry full affection off 'whoever' but just simply because I'm a realist. Plus and this is the best bit ...... 'if' (small word BIG meaning) there is that 'special' guy out there for me (for all you optimists out there) then BONUS I wasn't exspecting you! Being a pessimist means (for me at least) I live my life alone with my 3 children in the real world. Not some Rose tainted glass coloured fantasy la la land! The Brothers Grimm had the right idea Disney have ruined it smile #StayPositive #BeYourself and above all use a dildo although granted that doesn't cut the lawn!

lemonbabe Thu 20-Mar-14 23:21:12

Random that's a lot of very bad stuff. At what point whilst all these events/things were taking place did you think 'this is very very wrong ?

I certainly don't want to judge but when you accept bad stuff from bad men they'll lay it on even thicker. Were you scared of this man ? Rule no. 1: when a man scares you he shouldn't be anywhere near you, if you can't handle it yourself, get the law involved. If he doesn't scare you, take his sorry arse and kicknit out of your life... Forever.

RandomInternetStranger Thu 20-Mar-14 21:58:36

I give up Kids, whether it's me or them I'm just staying away from them from now on. I'll use donors for procreational purposes and avoid anything more than an occasional casual unemotional purely physical fling. In all honesty I don't think any amount of counselling with the best team of phychiatrists in the world is going to sort this mess out after all that and those are just the main ones, over 20 years of dating there's been a lot more. I just give up!

Hey Random, of course you did not deserve any of those things. If the men in your life have treated you this way it is because they are abusive, manipulative men. But just as it is not you, not all men are abusers either. I'm so sorry for what you have been through, but it sounds like you could really do with some counselling to work through what's happened and get to a better place. Right now I sense so much hurt and anger and self-doubt (and I suspect that men who are abusers will play on that). You need to get to a place where you know the only man who deserves to be in your life, is one who is going to treat you with kindness and respect.

RandomInternetStranger Thu 20-Mar-14 20:51:35

I would love to sit down & have a frank discussion with each of my ex's for research purposes.

Questions like:

"When you contacted a mother in my daughter's school class whom you had never met asking her for a threesome, are you that stupid, inconsiderate, disrespectful, immature and that big a wanker to all your girlfriends, or is it something about me that gives of an "It's ok to treat me like shit, go ahead" vibe?"

"When you stole approximately �7000 from me, what was it about me that told you it was OK to do that, or have you stolen from all your previous girlfriends and been a sponging leech all your life?"

"When you threw me down the stairs, broke my nose and hopped on top to have your way knowing I was crying & in pain, was that me, did I somehow ask you to do that without knowing, because your previous & current girlfriends all claim you never laid a finger on them so what is it about me that said this was OK?"

"When you shagged my only friend in a 300 mile radius when I just moved to the area, for you, so I ended up here completely alone, was that me, did I somehow give off some sort of "I don't mind if you fuck my friends" vibe?"

"When we split up and you went to my boss and clients telling them I was an alcoholic annorexic kiddy fiddler and I lost my job working with children, were those lies you tell about all your girlfriends and you really are that evil and twisted, or is that behaviour reserved for just me and what is it I did to deserve that?"

At some point I have to accept that either all men are a waste of space and should just have their sperm harvested for procreational purposes then shot in the face to rid the world of a major blight on society, or I have to think it must be me and I'm giving off a vibe that tells men they can treat me like this. I honest to god can not work out which it is because seriously I'm a lot of things but I have never deserved the above. I haven't cheated on these guys, I don't beat them, I never spread shit about them, I'm not high maintenance, demanding or a nag, I'm very laid back actually, and when I'm with someone I am loyal, supportive and kind to them... I do not know what I am doing wrong. So it's either me, or the men. I have asked friends & family & they all say I am not perfect, I have my faults, but I don't deserve that and they can't work out why I attract it.

BeforeAndAfter Wed 19-Mar-14 17:32:05

Geezer, don't be too judgmental/defensive. This thread is a snapshot of the (mainly) bruised and battered (typically by men). That's all. Your comment is a bit like someone going to AA and asking if there's anyone there who's not been blind drunk once in their lives.

The one thing that most all of us have is hope. Hope that we will find a partner who chimes with us, hears us and reassures us when the pain resurfaces so that we can love again. It's a primal human need. That's all.

geezerhere Wed 19-Mar-14 17:19:29

And Im sure you are decent!

I like to think most people are decent.

FolkGirl Wed 19-Mar-14 17:03:33

I think I'm decent geezer. smile

I suppose it depends what a man's definition of decent is though...

The defition of a 'decent man' upthread seemed pretty universal so I'm guessing there'd be a similar pretty universal definition of a decent woman.

geezerhere Wed 19-Mar-14 16:50:43

Are there any decent women out there?

lemonbabe Wed 19-Mar-14 16:24:46

Pursuit It's difficult not expecting the worst I know, but you have to keep an open mind and most importantly be optimistic. We've all been moulded by our experiences good and bad and I think we've all probably had our fill of @r$es !!

Taking things slowly is the best option - get it right, don't rush things. I know it's difficult when the relationships new and you're maybe wanting to speed things up, but I don't think it is the best option either.

I'm so glad for you, you seem to have found someone sincere and lovely. Hope it goes from strength to strength.

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