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Aaaargh - she is considering taking him back

(13 Posts)
HermioneWeasley Sat 15-Mar-14 14:43:25

Best friend separated from her H (been together about 11 years and married 8) a month ago. I never thought he was remotely good enough for her - it was obvious that he was lazy and selfish, but in addition it turns out he's been screwing around since before they got married. He's moved out a couple if mikes away but has only seen the kids 2 times in 3 weeks (though it turns out he'd been going back to the house during the day to use the computer etc). She's funded him for years, is thousands in debt because of him. He told her he didn't love her or fancy her any more and they should never have got married.

While i am gutted that she is upset, she is also looking and feeling better than in years - like she's back from a month long holiday.

Now he's talking about wanting to take her out on dates and missing her etc. I reckon his plan to go and sponge off his latest woman has fallen through (turns out she's pregnant by someone else!) and he's worried about his meal ticket disappearing. She is definitely considering it.

What do I do???

Do I support her whatever she wants? Or point out what a scumbag lying user he's been and risk alienating her if they do get back together? Would I be failing her if I pretend I think it's a good idea and let her make the same mistakes again.

Also a large part of me cannot believe that an intelligent woman would be so stupid and yes, I am judging her.

Help me to get to the best outcome for her!

Thanks

MeMySonAndI Sat 15-Mar-14 14:51:13

You stay out of it, simples.

Nomama Sat 15-Mar-14 14:52:52

Tell her ONCE that she needs to be careful about letting him back in, to remember all of the crap she has been through and told you of.

Then tell her you will support her however she needs you. State very clearly ONCE, that you have your doubts, but will support her.

The reserve your judging for private moments. And, yes, I can see how you'd want to brain him and her!!

Good luck.

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Mar-14 14:53:54

Get her to sit there with a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons. Tell her to write down what life would be like if he returned and what it would be like if he didn't. She should also write down how she feels now compared to how she felt when she was with him at the end.

LettertoHermioneGranger Sat 15-Mar-14 14:54:03

If you want to be her friend, you have to take a step back. Let her know you're there for her whatever happens.

Unfortunately, when it comes to ex's, when we change our mind we tend to not want to hear anything bad said about them. If she wants to go ahead and date them, you calling him a scumbag is sadly only going to cause a rift between you.

If she's unsure and asks for your opinion, tell her you don't want to see her hurt and you're worried for her and if she's open to it you can gently voice your concerns while assuring her you support her as a friend.

HermioneWeasley Sat 15-Mar-14 15:24:45

I really really hope this is a temporary aberration.

I feel like I'd be letting her down if I don't do everything I can to stop them getting back, but I know that could end up making her resent me, or even worse not come for help when it all collapses a second time (which it inevitably will).

I really want to take out a contract on this loser and have him out of her life. Too much?

wyrdyBird Sat 15-Mar-14 15:30:57

I think Nomama's idea is best.

You would be failing her if you lied and said it was a great idea. So be honest, but also as factual and understated as you can. Remind her she'll be back where she was, and he will do whatever he did again; but you recognise it's her choice.

Then go and vent somewhere she can't hear you (most caring people would have to - because it's so frustrating to see someone you care about taken for a fool. Believe me, I know.)

wyrdyBird Sat 15-Mar-14 15:32:26

X post. I hear you, and know how that feels!

HermioneWeasley Sat 15-Mar-14 16:02:32

Aaaargh

Thanks for the wisdom and advice. I will need to be on here VENTING if she does take him back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 16:11:19

I'm with Nomama. You can't say nothing and you can't harp on about it but you can say you think she'd be making a mistake. But you can't stop someone from being a fool....

Nomama Sat 15-Mar-14 16:14:08

I had to be 100% honest with my friend. She took him back and I stayed her friend. When she finally kicked him out permanently she thanked me for having been honest in the first place but did say that the thing she valued most was that I never mentioned it again.

Even when she got rid of him my only response was to take cake, nod and listen.

She is a daft bat, and she does know she wasted a long time on him. But we are still friends and she still has her sanity (just).

HermioneWeasley Sat 15-Mar-14 16:17:30

Thanks Nomama, that is helpful

Nomama Sat 15-Mar-14 16:19:11

You're welcome. I had a Nomama when I needed one too. She made it much more simple for me to support my friend well. smile

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