Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What is a normal relationship supposed to be like?

(103 Posts)
FeckingFuming Sat 15-Mar-14 08:10:30

I've been in a relationship just over a year. Everything happened very quickly, one day I was single, the next he was staying over and here most of the time. Unusual for me as I don't rush into anything. On a good day, we're like best friends. We can talk for hours, we like the same music, we know the same people, same sense of humour, we like the same things, know what the other one is thinking. We are very similar people. It should be perfect, I can't say I've ever met anyone I clicked with so well. I've been Ill a lot the last year and he's been great in looking after me.

But it's far from perfect, we argue a lot. He's like Jekyll and Hyde. He's very intense, will tell me how much he loves me over and over then the next minute he's screaming in my face over something daft. The goalposts are always moving, I think I've gotten used to the things that aggravate him and avoid doing them (we all have our silly gripes, for me it's anyone leaving wrappers about for example) but then the next day it'll be something different.

I feel used and unappreciated. I make his sandwiches for work, I clean the house all day every day, two kids a dog and four cats make a lot of mess! He comes in, his tea is cooked then all night I'm up and down making him cups of tea, fetching him drinks, running his bath. Ok it's not difficult but it means I never get time to relax properly. He works long hours I appreciate that but I spend all day on my own scrubbing the bloody house and he comes in, eats tea then falls asleep. He doesn't earn much money, when he gets paid every month it's all gone on bills for his own house. I have to budget for us for food and I don't have much money as I was made redundant then I had health issues that have made it difficult to find work.

I just can't see a future for us. He talks about getting married but I know that's never going to happen, he can't afford a ring let alone a wedding. I'm blamed for everything, I'm lazy, I'm a useless partner....when I bring up the fact I've had payday loans to keep us and he hasn't contributed a penny he'll go on about how he'll drive me anywhere I need to go (I can't drive) and how he looks after me when me health is playing up (he does).

I'm asking honestly because I've never had a relationship like this. I've only ever lived with one person and then I was a lone parent for 15 years. Are these normal gripes that couples work at, or is something very wrong?

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 15-Mar-14 08:12:57

Yes this is very wrong.

Get out whilst you still can, or at least kick him out.

Red flags everywhere.

louby44 Sat 15-Mar-14 08:14:30

No this isn't a normal relationship. You shouldn't feel resentment and anger towards someone you love.

I think you need to ask him to leave.

Lweji Sat 15-Mar-14 08:14:52

Leave.

Now.

It can never be a good relationship and it already has lots of red flags. How quickly it developed (not one by itself, but certainly with the rest), the shouting, the entitlement.

On top of it all, you are keeping him.

Do yourself a favor and get rid of him.

Fifyfomum Sat 15-Mar-14 08:17:05

You should not be keeping him! It doesn't sound like you can afford to. do you have children?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 08:21:24

Really not normal and a lot of 'red flags' in the small amount you've written. Wrong on a huge number of levels and I'm disturbed that your children are caught up in this. Am I reading it right that he's moved himself into your house? Get him out as quickly and safely as you can.

KristinaM Sat 15-Mar-14 08:21:31

No , none of this is normal

Screaming in your face

Running his bath for him and making him cups of tea

His wages go on his own house

He says you are lazy and useless

You are keeping him off your benefits ( I assume as you are not working ) and getting pay day loans?

Get rid of him now. As he already has his own house you can do it right now. Seriously .

Once he has gone you need to do some hard thinking about why you have put up with this and what attracts you to this type of man .

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 08:22:27

BTW... that 'Jekyll and Hyde' thing you're describing is a classic emotionally abusive tactic. Psychological bullying and quite, quite unacceptable.

steppemum Sat 15-Mar-14 08:22:46

You sound like his servant not his best friend.

It is not normal to wait on him hands and foot, it is not normal for an adult to scream in your face. It is not normal to walk round on eggshells in case you do the wrong thing that will 'set him off'
It is not normal for him not to be contributing financially to the relationship

In a normal relationship things are shared (money, jobs, making cups of tea), and you are respected, your views and opinions matter, and you are not put down and belittled and called lazy.

Please, please do not stay with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 08:30:03

"The goalposts are always moving, I think I've gotten used to the things that aggravate him and avoid doing them...... but then the next day it'll be something different."

This is a controlling tactic often used by abusive men. They set the game up so that they are never satisfied, keeping their victim on the back foot, eager to please and not thinking too clearly. It's deliberate.

FeckingFuming Sat 15-Mar-14 08:31:11

I'm not keeping him as such, we agreed both to put 40 pounds a week for food shopping but if I'm honest he costs more than that, he's a big bloke, he eats a lot. Then there's his toiletries. I've never asked him to contribute to bills, it's my house after all but he's probably ramped up the electricity and gas too. He's over the top with everything, half a bloody bottle of bubble bath, shampoo, can't use a small soap I have to buy new ones. Turns the thermostat up to 30 so I'm sitting here sweating and wondering why.

gamerchick Sat 15-Mar-14 08:33:21

What you're describing isn't normal.

Send him home and stop subjecting your kids to this. What in earth are you teaching them about relationships?

He sounds like a cocklodger and he likely targeted you to boot. There are more red flags here re him that a Communist party convention.
You feel used and unappreciated as well because you actually are. You are now seeing the real him, this emotional and pyschological abuse of you by him has been ramped up over time (probably from the very early days also) to have now got to this terrible state.

Get him out of your home as of now; live your own life and do not ever let a man like this weasel his way in to your home ever again. If he refuses to leave employ all legal means to get him out, no man is above the law here.

Such men however, can and do take some considerable time to recover from so I would suggest as a part of that process you subsequently do Womens Aid Freedom Programme.

gamerchick Sat 15-Mar-14 08:35:38

And yeah the benefit office probably would be interested in you if they get wind of it.

Squeegle Sat 15-Mar-14 08:35:49

What does he do to nurture you OP?

TheHoneyBadger Sat 15-Mar-14 08:36:17

i don't know what a 'normal' relationship looks like but it's not this.

he is a cocklodger.

he's implanted himself in your home and gotten you to fall into wife mode without even marrying you or contributing to the household.

get rid. don't let your dds see this as what a relationship looks like.

FeckingFuming Sat 15-Mar-14 08:36:51

Well that's why I asked gamer, because I don't KNOW what it's supposed to be like, and what normal couples go through. I'm not a kid, I'm nearing 40. I've just not had this before, mostly been on my own.

TheHoneyBadger Sat 15-Mar-14 08:37:39

he's virtually pissing in the corners with all that thermostat and using all the toiletries business.

He moved into your home by degrees; this is what such cocklodgers do.

How old are your children; bet they cannot stand the sight of him and look at you somewhat confusedly as well. They are certainly being shown an abusive example of a relationship here.

FeckingFuming Sat 15-Mar-14 08:40:26

Gamer, why are you so hostile? He doesn't live here, he has his own house. I'm not defrauding anyone. He pays his bills I pay mine. I only asked him to contribute to the food he eats. I think that's perfectly reasonable.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 08:40:57

Knowing it's wrong OP what are your plans to get shot?

Squeegle Sat 15-Mar-14 08:41:19

Just ignore gamer, that was a supremely unsupportive comment!!

DakotaFanny Sat 15-Mar-14 08:43:50

What is a cocklodger? Definition please mnetters.

OP, I think the fact that you even posed the question shows that you are uncomfortable, and that you need to take it as a sign; things need to change- his behaviour or your relationship status.

Stockhausen Sat 15-Mar-14 08:44:12

"AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 15-Mar-14 08:35:15.....
He sounds like a cocklodger and he likely targeted you to boot. There are more red flags here re him that a Communist party convention.
You feel used and unappreciated as well because you actually are. You are now seeing the real him, this emotional and pyschological abuse of you by him has been ramped up over time (probably from the very early days also) to have now got to this terrible state.

Get him out of your home as of now; live your own life and do not ever let a man like this weasel his way in to your home ever again. If he refuses to leave employ all legal means to get him out, no man is above the law here.

Such men however, can and do take some considerable time to recover from so I would suggest as a part of that process you subsequently do Womens Aid Freedom Programme."

All of this. Ask him to leave... I'd think about contacting women's aid in advance though, as I wouldn't be surprised if he turned nasty.

Good luck OP, you deserve better.

gamerchick Sat 15-Mar-14 08:44:23

I'm not being hostile.. and the benefits office don't know that.. could you prove it?

All they'll see is you having a working man living in your house.

A normal relationship is equal, supportive, nurturing, any arguments are resolved and there are no treading on eggshells afraid of upsetting your partner.

Your Kids are learning about relationships from you.. is this what you want for them?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now