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I can't leave him over this

(68 Posts)
FeelingSick1 Sat 15-Mar-14 04:56:38

Not sure what to do as I've got myself into a bad situation here. Basically I found out DH has been looking at porn again- went to order a takeaway on his request using his phone and a porn site came up in the recent websites when I started typing in the address.

I know lots of people are ok with porn but I'm really not. Have said so to DH many times and he has promised to stop looking many times. We split up briefly when I found out he was paying for an expensive porn site but we gave it another chance when he promised to give up.

Stupid FeelingSick1 when we got back together and things were going well wanted to have a baby. Then found him looking at porn in the kitchen while I was sleeping with exhaustion after some nasty morning sickness. Obviously if he wasn't going to give up when I was carrying his child, why would he when the baby arrived? I don't know why I thought he would treasure me more having seen me in a serious life- threatening condition during childbirth. Or maybe consider my low confidence due to how much my body has changed being only 4 months post partum.

Anyway it's my stupid fault for marrying an unkind man and then having a baby with him. Should have realised people never change. I used to feel sick and miserable every time I found out he was going behind my back but now I feel sick that I have brought a baby into an unhappy relationship. My parents divorced when I was young and after that my father was absent and I don't want the same for her.

Logg1e Sat 15-Mar-14 06:43:15

What do you want OP?

LottyLikesWindows Sat 15-Mar-14 06:46:08

No advice OP just wanted to say I'm sorry you are feeling like this and having to go through it while looking after a tiny baby. These are the days when you should be looked after and supported - your DH should understand that.

I'm sure someone else will come along soon with plenty of advice. I didn't want this to go answered.

pinkroses5 Sat 15-Mar-14 07:43:19

Is the porn the only thing you are unhappy about? If there are no other issues then can I ask what it is that you object to?

Assuming it's normal porn with two adults having sex, I am fine with it. Lots of people do it, I have in my single days, DP did with his ex and sometimes we have looked at these sites together - although once my phone froze on a particular scene and the picture looked so funny I dissolved into hysterics confused We rarely use it and DP doesn't visit these sites behind my back because he knows he can watch it with me, which actually, he prefers. So it's not a "taboo" as such.

Cringe-worthy sentence coming along: my parents used to watch it too when we were young. My mum told me my dad used to bring these videos home and watch while we were asleep. They have been happily married - erm - forever!! I'm glad I know that actually, as it's consequently made me realise it is nothing abnormal.

Porn is not a new thing. In fact, some romantic novels can be just as graphic, would you be upset if he read a book that contained a whole chapter on sex?

To put things into perspective - he is not cheating on you, he's just getting visual stimulation on a screen. He's not "unkind" - he has probably done that for many years. He's doing it behind your back because he knows you disapprove. If you feel your sex life is still good, then I genuinely wouldn't worry. If it could improve then the two of you can work on that together and you will probably notice that he is going to these sites less and less anyway!! DP and I have sex several times a week and we look at porn perhaps a few times a year.

FWIW, I don't really like porn that much as I find it a bit fake and really cheesy - but if I caught DP watching it I wouldn't be bothered. I'd just make it clear that when he'd seen enough, I'd be waiting upstairs in bed for him smile

I hope I haven't upset you? I'm just trying to show a different angle, that not all women think light porn is an issue. Xxx

Logg1e Sat 15-Mar-14 07:50:22

Can we PLEASE not make yet another thread like this about how some of you have no problem with porn?

This is about partner who lies. Focus on that bit.

BillyBanter Sat 15-Mar-14 07:55:21

You can leave your marriage for whatever reason you want. No one else can decide what is a deal breaker for you.

More even division of child residency is more common now. It its not unavoidable that he be absent from your Childs life.

Lweji Sat 15-Mar-14 07:56:45

You were not stupid. You wanted to believe he loved you and he'd do what you'd you if you were him.
He was stupid not to treasure you.

It may seem very little now, but it's that death by a thousand cuts, or the frog in the pot.
Each individual action may not seem much, but overall you end up in a bad place.
If you are not happy, and he clearly isn't changing, you have every right to leave.

Offred Sat 15-Mar-14 08:02:24

But logg1e the point is that women who refuse to like or indulge their partner's porn use make their partner lie. Just like women who don't fancy a man who is disinterested in their pleasure having sex on them make their partners turn to porn/prostitutes/affairs... Because 'men' have needs and are visual creatures see?

<yawn>

Yes, can we please not have more irrelevant contributions from people who don't want their view of the world challenged more than they want to actually help the op.

Women have as much right as men to set boundaries in a relationship. If you don't like something (it is irrelevant that it is porn) then he should respect that or if he can't he should never have continued in a relationship with you. His behaviour is entitled and disrespectful. I think you should LTB TBH.

Offred Sat 15-Mar-14 08:04:43

Agree about the contact, tis not inevitable he will be absent although this depends on his commitment to his child and his strength of character as a person. If he chooses absence you will be able to cope with it and so will dd, you have experience that will stand you in good stead.

Offred Sat 15-Mar-14 08:14:11

(And sacrificing yourself by staying with a man who feels entitled to disrespect and betray you because he feels his views are more important than yours will not be something that will make you happy or something dc will thank you for in the long run - there is no good choice here only a less bad one)

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 08:15:15

Here's how I see it. You don't like him looking at porn but you don't want the marriage to fail. He doesn't want to stop looking at porn and presumably doesn't want the marriage to fail either. The main sticking point is that, to get past this mismatch, he keeps lying to cover his tracks & you keep finding out about it. Trust damaged all round. I'll be shot down in flames for this but is there a middle ground where you can both agree it's OK for him to use porn occasionally but a) much more discreetly and b) no question of paying for the privilege?

MissScatterbrain Sat 15-Mar-14 08:15:17

You are entitled to your views about porn and you are entitled to have these boundaries and to want to keep these. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I often think for the person to give up porn, he/she needs to understand the arguments against it - this means reading up about the realities of the porn and sex industry and how porn impacts on relationships, sexuality and how women are viewed in society.

RedFocus Sat 15-Mar-14 08:15:20

Fuck off pink! This really isn't the place the tell everyone how you don't have a problem with it and it's normal to enjoy porn!
The op doesn't like it for whatever reason, be it morally or due to confidence or whatever. Jeez.
Fwiw porn is an industry built on the degradation and debasement of human beings.
Perhaps you should remind your dh of that op. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 08:16:16

BTW.. when you say 'unkind' are you solely referring to the porn use or are there other problems you're not letting on about?

SmallBee Sat 15-Mar-14 08:19:28

So sorry OP, this is the last thing you should be having to focus on when you should be just getting to know & enjoying your baby. (Congrats by the way).

The truth is you could replace the word porn with anything & it wouldn't matter. Your partner is continuing to do something he knows is a deal breaker for you & the real issue is why doesn't he understand that? Or if he does them why on earth is he doing it anyway? Have you spoken to him about this recently?

FeelingSick1 Sat 15-Mar-14 08:21:26

You haven't upset me Pinkroses5 - I knew I'd get some responses like yours as have read similar threads before. I know some people are fine with it but to me it is like a punch in the gut every time.

Our relationship isn't perfect as he is quite short tempered (with other people too) so arguments flare up easily but normally stop quickly too iyswim. We are very physically/emotionally affectionate towards each other but the sex side just doesn't seem to be working and the porn thing is about deceit as much as anything.

We are both a bit stuck in a rut sexually - I resent the fact he puts so much effort into the porn but none into experimenting in real life but then again I can be shy at suggesting things. We have the positions that 'work' and stick to those really. He is one of those people that likes novelty and obvious sex appeal so if my hair changes or I'm wearing something a bit revealing it piques his interest but otherwise, we've been together for over a decade and I guess he's bored.

What I want Logg1e is for him to stop looking at porn, for us to have a more fulfilling sex life so he doesn't want it and for us to be a great family to raise our little daughter but it feels like I may as well write a letter to Santa.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 08:26:25

OP this is not simply about porn. The man you're describing is unpleasant, aggressive, emotionally withdrawn and is making you feel like a lesser person... usually symptomatic of bullying. He knows you're reluctant to end the relationship so he's basically taking the piss.... taking advantage of your unwillingness to assert yourself and demand better.

Joysmum Sat 15-Mar-14 08:27:16

^Can we PLEASE not make yet another thread like this about how some of you have no problem with porn?

This is about partner who lies. Focus on that bit.^

Well done, I agree.

In essence both parities in a relationship have the right to set their own boundaries. They should make it clear where those boundaries lie and the consequences of breaking them.

The other party then has the choice of abiding, rejecting or lying.

If the reject, they give their partner the opportunity to reassess and see if there is a compromise to be met.

If the lie, they selfishly disrespect the needs of their partner and impose their will on the relationship and take their partners choices away. That's not the actions of anyone who respects their partner and considers their needs and happiness angry. It really is as simple as that. I HATE liars.

Offred Sat 15-Mar-14 08:27:20

He's not going to stop looking at porn because he doesn't respect you. He is treating the porn as though it is more important than his relationship with you in a number of ways, that is surely why you're upset. But you discussed it for years and he either has no intention to change, no will or no ability. At some point you need to make a choice about what you will tolerate.

RhondaJean Sat 15-Mar-14 08:39:56

THis isn't about porn or anything else really, it's about the fact that the op set her boundaries for what she was happy with in the relationship, the partner agreed and then deceitfully violated that boundary.

The only decision here is the ops as to whether she now resets her own boundaries, tries again to make the partner respect them (which IMO is likely to be diminishing returns) or decides to leave the relationship as it doesn't fit her needs.

It doesn't matter if it's porn, drinking or Morris dancing that the partner is doing really.

Logg1e Sat 15-Mar-14 09:05:56

OP What I want Logg1e is for him to stop looking at porn, for us to have a more fulfilling sex life so he doesn't want it and for us to be a great family to raise our little daughter but it feels like I may as well write a letter to Santa.

Well, you asked him not to look at porn, he said he wouldn't, he has decided to anyway. Secondly, don't for a second think that you can give him such good sex that he won't want to look at porn. That's not how it works, porn is not a substitute for healthy, satisfying, exciting sex.

You can be separated and still raise your daughter in a great way.

pinkroses5 Sat 15-Mar-14 09:23:25

OP - glad I haven't offended you. I actually started two threads on this site (I'm new to this) about some issues I'm currently having with my DP, and so many replies absolutely crucified him. "Leave him" etc. No wonder there are so many divorces and broken families around when people are so quick to give up on relationships!!

Of course, I'm not saying you shouldn't leave if you are very unhappy - but that is a decision only you can make because no one in here knows your relationship like you do. The problem I have is so many women feel they are qualified to rip your DH to shreds without knowing the full story (ie his view on things and why he feels the need for these sites etc).

No relationship is perfect. I know couples who have gone through worse and are still together - drugs, violence, affairs. I'm not saying I think it's right.... It was the right decision for them and it is not my place to judge. Only the couple know what goes on behind closed doors and whether that relationship is worth saving. It sounds to me like you WANT to make this work - so my advice try that before listening to others telling you to leave !!

Sounds like you are stuck in a rut and want more intimacy from your DH. Maybe he feels embarrassed to discuss his desires / needs with you and maybe because you are pregnant he may not think you want or are comfortable with sex right now. Only you can find this out.

I would give it a go before leaving him again. He did break his promise but remember he made that promise because he loved you and wanted you back!! I do think that counts for something.

I too am pregnant at the moment and feeling very hormonal, by the way.

I will get crucified again for this I know but I am fine with that if it helps you in any shape or form!

I guess what I'm saying is: I don't think he has done SO much wrong that this can't be fixed.

Logg1e Sat 15-Mar-14 09:26:48

pink I didn't take exception to you telling the OP to stay, I took exception to your reasons for telling her that she shouldn't have a problem with her husband lying to her.

Logg1e Sat 15-Mar-14 09:29:23

Pink, It sounds to me like you WANT to make this work - so my advice try that

Interesting thought. How should the OP go about making her this relationship work?

Pink He did break his promise but remember he made that promise because he loved you and wanted you back!!

Again, interesting interpretation. He lied out of love? I thought he lied because he wanted to to do something that he'd said he wouldn't and this was the easiest way for him to get his own way.

Too many women are conditioned to rescue and or save relationships that were really over many years prior. Its almost like they do not want to admit defeat or failure to themselves; they must keep this going despite the costs to themselves. This I believe is called sunken costs. I note the men in such situations never want to rescue and or save the relationship because they are quite happy as they are and see no reason to change.

OPs H has lied to her and continues to do so; her appraisal of his behaviours are far more damning than anything else. OP is truly in a bad situation. People fundamentally do not change, OP is seeing the real him here.

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