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This is the end. Marriage over.

(45 Posts)
Sk002 Thu 13-Mar-14 18:07:49

I've been married to OH for 15years. All was fine until the kids came along and he wanted to continue the single life. So child rearing was left to me. He worked away a lot and his work situation is always insecure. I have worked fulltime so we could pay mortgage etc. Last year I had enough of being a single parent in all but name so told him it was over. He was devastated and asked for another chance. I gave in and have tried but all feelings I have are gone from years of neglect and no support from him.
The time has come for me to tell him now that it is over. I feel physically sick at the thought of it. I am afraid of how he will react, how the kids will take it and what the future holds.....

Handywoman Mon 31-Mar-14 22:23:11

((( hugs ))) for loop

loopdaloo Mon 31-Mar-14 21:14:57

Feeding off your strength, I fear the end of my marriage is near.

Minime85 Mon 31-Mar-14 17:14:06

so sorry OP. stay strong vibes coming from me too. thanks

Handywoman Mon 31-Mar-14 08:04:31

Let this new phase take shape slowly. It is hard - extremely hard. He is railing against your decision and needs time to see it clearly (grrr). Any chance you could stay at a friends with the dc?

Sending you 'stay strong' vibes also. You are doing great.

januarycat Sun 30-Mar-14 20:33:58

Hi sk002, sending you 'stay strong' vibes.

RollerCola Sun 30-Mar-14 20:05:02

How would you feel about moving out with the kids then? One of you needs to go, but unfortunately you can't force him to go if he doesn't want to. He obviously doesn't think you'd leave without the kids which is why he's said it, because let's face it he doesn't REALLY want to be left on his own with them does he?

When I was struggling to get my ex to move out, that was actually the one thing that got him shifted. I said that if he didn't move then I would. He was gone shortly after..could be worth calling him bluff? Even just temporarily?

outtheothersidefinally Sun 30-Mar-14 15:29:32

Stay strong. It is hard. Very very hard. At the hardest points, remind yourself this too shall pass. It will. You'll never regret doing this, not really, not once you've processed it all.
You can do this.

Sk002 Sun 30-Mar-14 14:37:51

Aaaargh! This morning he told me he can't change how I feel about him and he will just have to live with that BUT as I am the one who wants the split then he is staying in the house with the kids and I can move out on my own!!!!!
Am so tempted to call his bluff on this one but I would never do that to the kids.
I am feeling so low today. On verge of tears all day. Don't feel strong enough for all of this.

I have session with counsellor tomorrow. That is whart is keeping me going right now. Feel like I am at the bottom of a very deep hole.

RollerCola Sat 29-Mar-14 08:46:01

Glad he didn't turn nasty. He'll just be feeling sorry for himself and drinking will be his answer to blocking it all out and not facing things.

You're doing the right thing. This really is the hardest time but it DOES get much better, usually as soon as you can get him to move out. Good luck, you can get through this.

Handywoman Sat 29-Mar-14 08:38:20

You are doing great, Sk002 this weekend your mission is to get him to face the fact that he needs to GO. And soon. His passive aggressive silent treatment is merely prolonging things, keep driving this through, you are getting there and it will be worth, so worth it. Sending you strength thanks you can do this.....

Sk002 Sat 29-Mar-14 08:29:37

Januarycat, hope all going OK for you?

Sk002 Sat 29-Mar-14 08:28:08

Thanks Rollacola. He got in around 2am but seems to have gone straight to bed, after falling over himself a few times.
I need to have the next conversation with him about him moving out. I not going back to sitting at home worrying about how drunk he will be when he gets in and what he will say. Bad enough having to make excuses last night when the kids wanted to know where he was.

RollerCola Sat 29-Mar-14 08:14:11

Hope you're ok op, did he come home? Try to distance yourself from him now. If he goes out make the most of him not being around and remember how much better things will be when he leaves. I hope he didn't/doesn't cause trouble when he got in.

Sk002 Fri 28-Mar-14 23:21:20

We are a week down the line since I told him it is over. He says he can't believe I am doing this to him, leaving him after all our years together, etc. And even though he thinks I am being terribly mean he is willing to give us another try. I said no and that I would not be changing my mind. He has not spoken to me since so no plans made on what will happen next.
Then this evening he came home from work and went straight back out again without saying a word. That was 6pm.its now 11pm and he is still out. In the pub probably. I am afraid he will kick up fuss when he gets in and wake the kids or get angry at me. He used to do this when the kids were small until I threatened to leave unless he stopped getting drunk and wakening them when he came on. So tonight we are having a flashback. I hate him for making me go thru another night of this drink fuelled feeling sorry for himself bullshit.

Sk002 Mon 24-Mar-14 12:00:50

So glad you said that Handywoman. Hopefully he will leave soon. That would ease pressure on me. Though I will have upset kids to deal with then.

There are very long days ahead....

Handywoman Mon 24-Mar-14 09:43:43

This is the 'worse before it gets better' yes. This is the truly awful bit. Your aim now is to just get through each day one bit at a time. Lean, lean, lean on your friends. Hopefully he will leave the house very soon. Then you will feel a billion times better. Stay strong Sk002

Sk002 Mon 24-Mar-14 09:37:13

Thank you for kind words and encouragement. I am not feeling very strong at the moment. I ha é booked another counselling session for myself to keep me on the right track.
He wasn't talking to me this morning. So I don't know ow what will happen when I get home from work and he has has time to stew on it.
This is the "worse before it gets better" it I suppose.
I still need that cry though.

peppajay Mon 24-Mar-14 07:43:08

Mine and DH's relationship is dead and buried really he hates and can't cope with family life so we never do anything together I am very miserable but keep my chin up on front of the children. I have that fantastic Monday morning feeling as the weekend is over and he is at work and there is no nagging and moaning. I would love to end our relationship but can't as hubby can't cope with kids so he wod never see them and can't do that to them I would rather be miserable than break the children's hearts forever!!

Handywoman Mon 24-Mar-14 07:40:11

You have taken a hugely positive step, sk002, well done thanks keep the words of your counsellor in your ear. Do you have RL support? Be very gentle with yourself. Eat small meals like soup. Hugs to you.

Minime85 Mon 24-Mar-14 06:14:19

hope you are feeling OK this morning. how did u sleep?

milkysmum Sun 23-Mar-14 23:11:58

You have done such a brave thing. I cannot tell you how even in a few short weeks things are starting to feel easier. H is changeable- he has switched between telling me it is all my fault for ripping our family apart to begging me to let him come home and 'everything will be different'. I am holding my position- that our relationship is over and whilst I am sad for 'what could have been' I remain confident this is the right thing to do. Stay strong x

RaspberryRuffle Sun 23-Mar-14 23:08:56

He's trying to make you question your judgement. Your counsellor has been useful, what would s/he say to you now. Visualise yourself there and recognise how far you have come. Turn that question on its head, if you don't end this won't you regret that more, having resentment build up in you. He will never change. Yiu deserve to be happy. thanks

GimmeDaBoobehz Sun 23-Mar-14 23:05:50

I'm sorry it has came to this but he has brought this on himself and there is nobody else to blame.

The kids will find it tough just like you will but as long as they know their Mum is there to support them, they will be fine.

Allow them to cry, scream or even speak to someone outside of the situation if they want to, because that might be what they need. If they want to talk to you about it let them and tell them in an age appropriate way what will happen (moving house/schools etc) and always let them know that you will be there for them.

You were practically living as a single parent anyway so you wont be missing out on the help. It's a hard thing to come to terms with though.

Once the norm is pulled from underneath your feet it's so difficult - even the negatives are not so negative, because you just want the status quo. You're a strong person from pulling yourself out of this position.

Sk002 Sun 23-Mar-14 22:50:47

I just told him it's over. He was very calm and said that he hopes I dont regret this in a few years. That is exactly what I am thinking. :-(
He will no doubt get angry very soon as he did before. Telling me this is all my fault.

But I know we have no future. I feel physically sick now, and sad and scared. Want to cry my eyes out but am lying in bed next to DD.

Handywoman Tue 18-Mar-14 07:35:21

Go for it, Sk

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