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need some advice on this issue

(83 Posts)
dilemma73 Sun 09-Mar-14 19:56:53

Bare with me as this might get a bit long and ranty (have name changed for this as I don't want to be identified in rl).

My dm has been living with us for about ten years, i am a lone parent with two teenage dd's.

Recently due to living in privately rented accommodation my rent has risen dramatically and i am only just breaking even when working overtime, out of hours and night shifts.

Realistically we need to move to smaller accommodation but this isn't possible with dm still living with us. I feel guilty even typing this as i love my dm to bits but it is all becoming too much and i am constantly tired, stressed out and irritable with my dd's, we never have any money to do nice things and it is getting me down.
My dm is late sixties, in good health and is perfectly mobile, however she doesn't contribute around the house, doesn't offer any money towards bills or unexpected emergencies like the car breaking down unless asked and then it becomes a big drama and she goes off in a huff as she is currently saving to go on her third exotic holiday in a year! I haven't been on holiday in years and neither have my dd's as i just cant afford it.
She gets irritated by any noise made in the house after about 9:30 at night which is when she goes to bed but this is our house too and i feel like i am being dictated to about what i can do in my own home, i know this is a separate issue but is just adding to the stress.

In the near future i am going to need money to support my dd's when they go to university, to pay for driving lessons and at the moment with the current situation this is just not feasible.

I have tried to talk to her about it and suggested us finding her a bungalow or a sheltered housing flat where she will receive housing benefit and can live independently but every time the conversation comes about there is always tears and my guilt and my conscience takes over and i leave it however now it is starting to impact on my dd's i have a feeling it is all going to come to a head.
I have five other siblings who are all in better financial positions than i am and no one is offering to help and i suppose i just feel like all the responsibility has fell to me.

please tell me I am not a bad person for feeling like this and that I am not unreasonable to want to try and improve the quality of life for me and my dd's.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 09-Mar-14 20:03:00

10 years? I love my mum but have trouble after 3 days.

Why do you feel guilty? How did she end up living with you?

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 09-Mar-14 20:04:52

'Look, the rent has gone up and we are moving, so you need to start working out what you are going to do. The girls are older now, and they can't be expected to live in silence after 9pm. And you need to contribute both money and effort [if you want to live with us in the new place] or get a place of your own.'

eddielizzard Sun 09-Mar-14 20:07:32

you are not responsible for your mum, she is perfectly capable of being responsible for herself. she is in good health, is getting income (because she's saving for holidays) and there's no reason why she can't sort herself out. your siblings can help too.

you do have to do this and when those guilt feelings kick in, think of your own space, your family dynamics and YOUR KIDS.

frankly i'm appalled that your mum thinks it's fine to do this. i would never do this to my kids. never never never.

dilemma73 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:08:34

it was supposed to be a temporary situation when she sold her home but here we are all these years later. We have moved twice since then and she has moved with us.

AnyFucker Sun 09-Mar-14 20:09:06

huh ?

I don't understand. Why is an adult not contributing towards living expenses in the home she lives in ?

AnyFucker Sun 09-Mar-14 20:10:46

She is the mother equivalent of a cocklodger

"Malodger" ?

Whatever. She is taking the immense piss and you are rolling over like a doormat.

My mum lived with us and contributed to all the bills. She also did loads of babysitting, washing up, ironing, washing, gardening, etc. I can't believe your mum expects to live with you rent-free, does nothing around the house and thinks she can lay down the law about noise, etc. What on earth made her think she's so entitled?

This needs to stop, now, before she gets ill and expects you to be her nurse/carer/slave as well.

eddielizzard Sun 09-Mar-14 20:16:11

actually - think carefully about what you want here.

are you happy if she stumped up towards the rent and helped out a bit more? or do you actually want her to get her own place? that will decide what reasons you give her to move out.

you either go for finance in which case she may then say she'll contribute or you say it's not working and you need your own space. there is no comeback from that for her, but huge emotional turmoil ahead.

personally i would say that you need to move somewhere smaller that you can afford. if she tries the contributing avenue, then say that you also want your kids (and you) to have more freedom.

pictish Sun 09-Mar-14 20:17:54

Time for mum to move out OP!

dilemma73 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:18:08

she does offer £50 a week towards the food shopping but that's about it and it is costing £100+ to feed four people in this house so the contribution is negligible to the costs of actually running a home

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 20:27:39

Is the £50 meant to cover utilities and rent or just food shopping?

Holdthepage Sun 09-Mar-14 20:27:41

Your DM is being incredibly selfish & so are your other siblings. Time for a family conference where you spell out the situation so everyone understands. They are all taking you for granted & the situation won't change unless you confront them all.

You are definitely not a bad person, you are being taken advantage of.

dilemma73 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:28:06

sorry to drip feed! That only crossed my mind a minute ago as in the grand scheme of things the impact is nill

AnyFucker Sun 09-Mar-14 20:28:07

I wish I could find a home to live in that cost me 50 quid a week grin

AnyFucker Sun 09-Mar-14 20:29:13

I would charge my teenager 50 quid a week

your mother is a grown woman who knows the cost of things

you are being taken for a massive ride

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 20:29:23

Sorry, just read that it doesn't cover bills. I would say the same to you as I would to someone with a shiftless partner which is that you sit them down with the family finances and work out their fair share or you tell them that, if they think £50 is adequate living expenses, they are welcome to find a place of their own and see how far they get

dilemma73 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:29:56

just food shopping as she gives it me to go towards the family food shop which tbh she would probably spend herself on food anyway if she was living alone

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 20:31:07

And you say she sold her home ten years ago when she moved in? What happened to the capital from that?

Catsmamma Sun 09-Mar-14 20:32:16

PM me your address. I'll pay £65, and tidy round a bit

What is wrong with your mother that she imagines £50 towards groceries is a valid contribution??

dilemma73 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:34:40

cogito it has all gone there was not much profit made as she couldn't keep up with the repayments so sold it quickly at a bargain price.

MyPreciousRing Sun 09-Mar-14 20:35:07

She needs to go
Mama lodger has overstayed her welcome by approx nine years and nine months.
It's hard, I can't think of a more difficult situation but you either a) request what it actually costs you for her to live there - ie the difference in rent and bills between there and a smaller place plus she accepts reasonable noise in evenings; or b) you move to a smaller place without her.
Give her the two options and let her choose?

dilemma73 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:43:34

it is incredibly frustrating it's like talking to a brick wall, she just sits and nods her head or makes a sarcastic comment and tries to gloss over the real issue.
My dd tried to voice her opinion and she was called opinionated and interfering and then when my db turned up she cried and told him that we don't want her living here hmm

AnyFucker Sun 09-Mar-14 20:47:07

oh fgs, get a backbone, love

she is emotionally blackmailing all of you

fair enough if you want to be a sap, but she is railroading your daughters

wake up

dilemma73 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:48:09

I think I am going to just have to sit her down and try and have an adult conversation with her and tell her the options and clearly state that it's one or the other and things can just not continue the way that they are.

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