Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP confessed he's been lying about his feelings all along

(68 Posts)
fourlegstwolegs Sat 08-Mar-14 21:40:14

We've been together for two years. We had an (unplanned) DS who is the light of both our lives. Last night DP announced that for the last two years he has been telling me what I wanted to hear and what he thought would make me happy (ie that he was happy, wanted a future together, to get married, have more children).
He said he WANTED to want all of those things but doesn't (with me). He says something is "missing" but can't explain what.
He also said he was happier with his ex than he is with me, only occasionally misses me when we aren't together, but says he does love me.
He dumped his previous two long term partners because he didn't want to marry them. He is now almost 36....

I am stunned as I never saw this coming. He always seemed happy and was so involved with my life and my family. He was in tears but I suspect more at the prospect of missing his son, than missing me.

He's gone away for work for a fortnight (abroad) and suggested counselling when he gets back. He says he wants to make it work but can't make himself feel what he wants to feel.
He also said he has been wanting to tell me since very early on but once I got pregnant felt morally compelled to stay.
I thought he stayed with me because he wanted to be with me...

I'm just so sad for me and for our little son. I so wanted a proper stable upbringing for him, and the prospect of him spending time with separate parents in separate houses that would be hours apart fills me with horror and sadness.

I'm just so upset sad

"His lack of empathy is such that I genuinely think he needs testing for Asperger's"

Please do not bring AS into this; that statement shows no knowledge re AS. AS does not equal emotionally abusive or lack of empathy.
You also cannot ever assume he is anywhere on the ASD spectrum so scratch off that as of now. AS does not equal abusive. Lack of empathy can instead be indicative of narcissism which is something else entirely.

Look at this person's relationship history; it is chequered to say the very least. He has lied through his teeth throughout; how such people sleep at night I do not know. He remains self serving and cruel.

tribpot Tue 11-Mar-14 13:02:12

Tell your friends. It will help, honestly.

fourlegstwolegs Tue 11-Mar-14 12:54:57

Yup I have good RL support from family. I haven't told friends yet...
My self esteem is pretty low right now, I must say.

SoleSource Tue 11-Mar-14 11:55:40

Devastating. That bastard deserves nothing from you from now on. He misled you and lied through his teeth.

Scum!

Please, go and see a therapist to feel better about yourself.

You are not to blame.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Mar-14 10:08:02

Dignity is your friend here.

Tell him to jog right on.

No counselling. No Skype every day. No playing happy families.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 11-Mar-14 09:34:32

He also said he was happier with his ex than he is with me

Now I don't think there was any call for that. I can understand - just - how people get cold feet and duck out of a relationship early on and if there's an unplanned pregnancy, well that could put a lot of strain on a relationship.

He's working away and you only saw him three three nights/days per week so hardly suffocating by many people's standards.

I think he's gone for good and at best was only half invested in this from the time he came back after leaving you three months' pregnant.

I am not 'bashing' this man just saying how I see it.

Good luck OP and get the financial side of things sorted out for your DS.

Lavenderhoney Tue 11-Mar-14 09:22:32

I don't think he has anything wrong with him except he is attempting to minimise why he is leaving to himself.

Frankly, its insulting to you he felt morally obliged in the beginning and had the balls to tell you that. If his morals were that great he wouldn't have led you on and let you exist in a bubble of contentment and hope for the future.

Keep sorting things out to the benefit of you and your ds, and when he comes back try very hard not to want to patch up and stay together. Present what's going to happen next to him. If he wants to try again, you don't have to rush into it.

Have you got rl support?

Logg1e Tue 11-Mar-14 06:12:13

I agree with tribpot, don't believe him when he says he has been unhappy all this time, he hasn't. And do be prepared for a new girlfriend "who he has just met" to appear very soon.

tribpot Mon 10-Mar-14 22:24:40

Don't take yourself down that road. You want to believe that his sudden change of character is something out of his control - a nervous breakdown, a - what? sudden onset of Aspergers? That doesn't happen.

The most common reason on MN threads for a sudden, inexplicable and complete shift in personality is the arrival of an OW, and the need to deconstruct the past to justify an affair. In this case, though, he's already been living as if he were more of a friend with benefits than a partner, but it doesn't make it impossible that an OW has had enough of the half-life. Or, as I mentioned before, he knows there's an expiry date on your acceptance of the same half-life.

He's responsible for his own feelings. But as best you can you need to stop letting him get under your skin. Why would you believe he was never happy? Because he said so? He also said it was all your fault - which is clearly bollocks. If you must give any thoughts to the words that come out of his mouth right now, you must treat each one with scepticism and look for a hidden motive.

fourlegstwolegs Mon 10-Mar-14 22:14:57

I have emailed my solicitor today...
I am still engulfed by waves of sadness. It is so unbelievably hurtful to think he was never happy. He took me to dinner with his friends just three days before he ended it. Why?
I have no doubt that the timing of ending it and then jumping on a plane was carefully planned.
His lack of empathy is such that I genuinely think he needs testing for Asperger's.

Lavenderhoney Sun 09-Mar-14 21:22:45

I see. So now its your fault. As if!

Don't worry about that. Its rubbish and you know it. Sort out what you need, try to get angry for your ds, if not you, and get finances sorted out.

And contact- well, let him do the commute. Not you. Don't revolve your and your ds life round this man and his whims. It won't suit you further down the line, ie in winter when its cold and raining and you have a narky child to cope with- and what are you supposed to do whilst he's playing dad and then hands you a tired child to take home?

Start as you mean to go on. Its better for your ds and better for you.

Twat. Anyway, go nc these two weeks. He clearly made other arrangements so he can hardly complain. See solicitors, get your ducks in a row and talk to rl family and friends. About the future though, not the past. Time for that after.

He knew he was going to do it, so don't be wrong footed.

bochead Sun 09-Mar-14 21:16:22

The daily call is classic dog in the manger behavior. It enables him to check no other man is moving in on his turf wink.

Use the fortnight to go see a solicitor and find out where you stand re contact/maintenance for the child etc. Get a plan in your own head together for how you intend to be a single parent, and a single woman.

When he gets back then a few mediation sessions to sort out contact with his child going forward might be sensible.

However there is no point at all in going to a relationship councilor for a relationship where one party does not WANT to be committed to the other - that's just him looking to justify his own cowardly
behavior. Call him out on that, and make him OWN his actions.

Oddly enough the more independent you are at this stage and the more yu show that actually neither you nor your child need him in any way shape or form then I think the more likely he is to see the light long term and go get himself the professional help he so obviously needs.

Cabrinha Sun 09-Mar-14 20:44:56

Ah, it's your fault.
Up until that, given the other stuff I might have said he was "just" commitment shy.
But - blaming it on you could very well mean someone else. Of course he would have time - you don't even live together full time.

OP, he sounds like an utter shit, and all the worse because he's hidden it so well, I'm sorry.

But really... He's shown his commitment previously, opting to stay in London an hour away - from his son that he supposedly loves so much? Just an hour each way...

See a solicitor. Tell him to fuck off. And then let him come down for contact time. No meeting halfway - seriously, it's not far. He can easily use the same hotel locally every other weekend and one night in the week, as his job is flexible.

TheHoneyBadger Sun 09-Mar-14 20:34:39

csa quick before they start charging.

call and give them all of his and your details and it will be underway.

his audacity as saying you are the problem is jaw dropping. allegedly he's 'gone along' with a relationship and having a child for two years whilst never really feeling enough and YOU'RE the problem? h'ok then mate hmm

MaryWestmacott Sun 09-Mar-14 17:15:17

Right, so the reason you are splitting up is that he's been lying to you about his feelings for years, yet he thinks that rather than him being the one with the problem, it's you?

Lord, get rid. Properly get rid.

And definately book a solicitor appointment next week, get stuff sorted ASAP.

springykyrie Sun 09-Mar-14 14:52:33

eh??? So it's suddenly all about you.. hmm

You poor thing OP. What a headfuck sad

Look after yourself, lovely. Get into counselling, too, to work your way through this. You can't have his drivvle as the only thing going on in your head xxx

Coelacanth Sun 09-Mar-14 14:47:49

Yeah, it's the script again isn't it sad.

Well, as other's have said, get your ducks lined up. No getting into post mortems with him, cry on a mate's shoulder if you have to, come here etc etc. Sorry OP, it's shite, I know.

Logg1e Sun 09-Mar-14 14:36:18

I would take him at face value and gather as much information as you can. He gets home to a letter about maintenance and access.

tribpot Sun 09-Mar-14 14:17:55

Oh right, so he's not even tied to an office in London? Sounds like he preferred having his cake and eating it (family life part-time, bachelor life part-time) and knew there was a time limit that he could keep stringing you along on 3 days a week.

When he left you during the pregnancy, did you have to beg him to come back? I wonder if that's what he wants/expects this time as well.

fourlegstwolegs Sun 09-Mar-14 14:12:52

I couldn't move to London because my business is based here. He knew that from the beginning. He can work from anywhere really so could have left London at any time.
He does facetime/skype normally from London to see me and the boy.
But no, he can jolly well stew now.

tribpot Sun 09-Mar-14 13:57:41

refused to go to a counsellor on his own, saying the problem was me and not him.

What the fuck! How could the problem be you? It sounds like he's changed his tune since he's arrived abroad, wasn't he somewhat more contrite during the initial conversation?

It doesn't really sound like you've ever had a full committed relationship with this man, not surprisingly given he is clearly what Bridget Jones would describe as a 'commitment phobicity nightmare'. You live in different cities. He doesn't do the daily commute from where you are because he doesn't want to, (and likewise you haven't moved your life to where he is either, although I would assume cost had quite a bearing on that?). He drops this bombshell on you at the perfect time to sod off abroad to have a two week pity party, leaving you reeling and unable to get answers.

Plus he has form for this. How long were his previous relationships where he eventually called it quits because he didn't want to get married?

Why would he need to see your ds every day from abroad when he can't be arsed seeing him every day whilst in the UK? Do you Skype every day whilst he's in London?

There's no reason why he can't remain a part of ds' life if he chooses to - given ds is used to him not being around all week the difference may not be that huge.

Chin up and definitely don't do daily Skypings to assuage his guilt. Let him stew.

ShedWood Sun 09-Mar-14 13:52:06

What an arse, the problem isn't you - you are the constant one here. He's the one who has admitted to stringing you along and lying about his feelings, how can the problem possibly be yours???

Well done on the cold turkey suggestion, he can't have it all ways I.e. Say he doesn't want to be with you, but want you around to call everyday.

Two weeks of no contact may just highlight to him exactly what he stands to lose, but in fairness it sounds like he's had one foot out of the door since the start of you relationship, so if I was you I'd send him on his way - you really deserve more than he's offering you.

Lizzabadger Sun 09-Mar-14 13:46:01

He sounds like a dick. You will be well rid.
I hope you have RL support.

fourlegstwolegs Sun 09-Mar-14 13:36:33

Well, he called me from far away land, refused to go to a counsellor on his own, saying the problem was me and not him.

Our little boy saw his face on the screen and was smiling and trying to touch him. It broke my heart.

I told him we had to go cold turkey and that he couldn't call me every day and pretend like we were a happy family. He wanted to skype every day to see the boy but it's too hard for me.

This is so awful sad

Coelacanth Sun 09-Mar-14 11:14:54

If it is more about how he feels for you right now and he did, in fact, love you before……then he's still lying and trying to give himself the all clear to shag someone else I think.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now