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DP confessed he's been lying about his feelings all along

(68 Posts)
fourlegstwolegs Sat 08-Mar-14 21:40:14

We've been together for two years. We had an (unplanned) DS who is the light of both our lives. Last night DP announced that for the last two years he has been telling me what I wanted to hear and what he thought would make me happy (ie that he was happy, wanted a future together, to get married, have more children).
He said he WANTED to want all of those things but doesn't (with me). He says something is "missing" but can't explain what.
He also said he was happier with his ex than he is with me, only occasionally misses me when we aren't together, but says he does love me.
He dumped his previous two long term partners because he didn't want to marry them. He is now almost 36....

I am stunned as I never saw this coming. He always seemed happy and was so involved with my life and my family. He was in tears but I suspect more at the prospect of missing his son, than missing me.

He's gone away for work for a fortnight (abroad) and suggested counselling when he gets back. He says he wants to make it work but can't make himself feel what he wants to feel.
He also said he has been wanting to tell me since very early on but once I got pregnant felt morally compelled to stay.
I thought he stayed with me because he wanted to be with me...

I'm just so sad for me and for our little son. I so wanted a proper stable upbringing for him, and the prospect of him spending time with separate parents in separate houses that would be hours apart fills me with horror and sadness.

I'm just so upset sad

JeanSeberg Sat 08-Mar-14 22:14:48

What's the point of counseling? He's put his cards on the table hasn't he?

Use this time while he's away to get legal advice and consider your options.

There's either another woman involved or he's just a serial commitment-phobe.

I hope you have some good RL support. thanks

firstpost Sat 08-Mar-14 22:24:39

Life is too short to settle for a man who doesn't really and truly love you.

Be strong, take the power back and leave him.

Summon all your strength, one day you will look back and be glad you did. thanks

Good luckthanks

Lizzabadger Sat 08-Mar-14 22:26:08

What Jean said.

Sorry you are going through this. Look after yourself.

Logg1e Sat 08-Mar-14 22:34:32

OP I think this is very manipulative behaviour. I think he expects you to dance to his tune now he's given you this massive shock and dangled a tiny carrot at the end of it.

(Also, somebody's got to say it soon...).

hamptoncourt Sat 08-Mar-14 22:34:56

It is sad but you both deserve to be in a mutually loving relationship. He does sound like a commitmentphobe and there really isn't much point trying to change him. You could try counselling but what about your self esteem, living with a man who has told you that you don't quite do it for him? Wouldn't you just be walking on eggshells waiting for him to decide to leave again?

Why would DS end up living with parents who are hours apart though?

There is no need to be filled with horror that your DS parents won't be living together. Far better that than he is living with two thoroughly unhappy parents.

I understand your sadness for you though, you must feel terribly hurt. Keep telling yourself he isn't that special.

fourlegstwolegs Sat 08-Mar-14 22:50:22

I was perfectly happy though...I had no idea this was coming.
No, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I want to be loved and secure.
Thank you for the virtual handholding....

hamptoncourt Sat 08-Mar-14 22:56:37

You need an urgent self esteem rebuild. Have a look at this site www.baggagereclaim.co.uk which I and other Mnetters have found incredibly useful when recovering from this kind of dreadful hurt.

Pollyputthekettle Sat 08-Mar-14 22:57:28

Poor you OP. How awful.

I have to say though, far better for your son to have separated parents than to be bought up in a situation where you are unhappy. Which after this you would be.

I would use this two weeks to get yourself together. I know its hard but you need to toughen up. I also second what Jean said. This is not the time for counselling, you need to think about where to live, money etc.

Sorry Op . thanks

JabberJabberJay Sat 08-Mar-14 22:58:49

OP I really feel for you. You've obviously had a terrible shock.

But this man has spelled out how he feels. As painful as it may be, he doesn't love you and doesn't see a future with you. I really don't see how going to Relate will help with that.

I think the only thing to do is ask him to leave when he returns. Act with dignity and take back the power.

flowers

fourlegstwolegs Sat 08-Mar-14 23:02:02

I have my own house. DP lives in London, an hr or so away, as that is where he works. He used to spend three nights/days per week down here with me and DS. So logistical issues are ahead. Not to mention heartbreak ones.
It's just so sad. I also don't see what good relationship counselling would do, as surely he's the one with issues and what he's said to me is so hurtful.
He did actually leave me once, when I was 3 months pg. I spent months after that wondering if he was going to up and leave again but he did such a good job of convincing me he came back because he wanted to be with me...
Turns out that's not why he came back at all.

evelynj Sat 08-Mar-14 23:09:57

Op, I'm sorry you're going through this hurt. However, it saddens me to see the bashing that blokes always get on MN & he has been honest with you (as far as we currently know). I'd suggest spend this time thinking & writing down what you want as well as working out your financial commitments etc & also arrange some counselling for ASAP on his return.

It can't do any harm to talk to someone neutral IMO & it may just be that he has some ideas that need to be thought through/discussed. At the end of it the worst scenario is likely to be that you still split but are likely to do so much more amicably.

Try to direct your emotions into something that you know you want &
leave him as a person & his feelings out of it for now, (e.g. I want me & ds in a stable loving environment & to have a mutually supportive partner etc).

If you can articulate this sort of thing leaving him as a person out of it in counselling, he may (or not), realise that he wants to be that person and at least you're showing how honesty should be valued. He is your ds father. This time will spell out your relationship for a long time to come. You don't need to make hasty decisions but mull over both outcomes & put in place coping strategies for both. Good luck x

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sat 08-Mar-14 23:14:14

People do this. Usually they are the sort of people who need to feel liked. They say what they think others want to hear, things then get serious and they have to continue the lie un til such a point when they can't anymore. My ex did this. I think it is a form of co-dependency. I don't really see the point in counselling. Surely a dignified exit from the relationship on your part will help preserve the parenting relationship rather than analysing feelings which could potentially cause a lot more hurt and upset?

Logg1e Sat 08-Mar-14 23:16:29

However, it saddens me to see the bashing that blokes always get on MN & he has been honest with you

Was this the honesty when he broke up the first time, when he went back to her or for the last two years?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 00:14:17

I'm sorry you've had such a shock OP and I'd caution you to prepare for more bad news, I'm afraid. The 'something is missing' speech is so often code for 'I've met someone else' that it's practically a cliché.

I'm sorry you've been so badly misled.

innisglas Sun 09-Mar-14 06:14:45

So sorry, OP. I think the advice on here is good. I grew up without my father and so did my daughter, I think we both have had good childhoods and good lives.

Your DP does sound a bit like a relationship-phobe, where the grass is always greener in the other field. I wouldn't be surprised if the next women in his life gets sick of hearing how wonderful you were.

Lizzabadger Sun 09-Mar-14 07:06:52

Really the best thing is for you to end the relationship immediately I think. I'd put money on it that he's got someone else anyhow.

temporarilyjerry Sun 09-Mar-14 07:30:36

Sadly, I agree that there is probably someone else. He is rewriting history with, "I was never happy." Don't let him do that to you.

fourlegstwolegs Sun 09-Mar-14 07:31:33

He's abroad now so that gives me the space...I asked him outright if there was someone else and he said no, and offered to let me check his emails, but there is an element of doubt. Not least because my ex husband cheated on me and was a good liar!

I must say DP deserves an oscar. He was fully immersed in my life and fully involved with my family. No one suspected he wasn't happy and committed. Least of all me...

Coelacanth Sun 09-Mar-14 07:32:11

How very sad and painful. Prepare yourself (if you're not already) for waves of shock as you recall (as you will) every moment when he (dishonestly) appeared to be the man you thought he was.

I'm another one who thinks it's likely there is someone else. His sudden attack of honesty is not worthy of accolade either since he's actually a very selfish individual. I also think he is a far weaker and less independent person than you are, by a long way.

Other's who advise using this next two weeks for a life without him are right. The more you can do practically whilst he's away the more emotional distance you will achieve for when he gets back and needs to make access arrangements for your DS.

It is such a blow, such a terrible shock but it is survivable. More so if you concentrate on you and your DS and let this man go off to the next pasture.

ArtisanScotchEgg Sun 09-Mar-14 07:44:10

Oh sorry. And it's the script from him too - now he's got two weeks away with OW as a single guy to see if the grass is greener.

Concentrate on you and your DS. Contact CSA and draw up a contact agreement for when he gets back.

fourlegstwolegs Sun 09-Mar-14 08:18:39

sad

Lavenderhoney Sun 09-Mar-14 08:23:47

Does he want to go to counselling alone or with you? I don't see the point if he just wants a validation of how he feels and you have to sit and listen. But I don't know really how counselling works in this situation.

Its a bit odd he has now pushed off for two weeks. That alone would upset me- he gets to take care of himself having dropped a bombshell and you get to still look after your ds and cope.

You do seem to lead quite separate lives by not living together full time already, so it won't be such a change for your ds.

Are you married? If not, you need to work out and fast, money and contact.

fourlegstwolegs Sun 09-Mar-14 08:32:58

He wants to go with me. But I think he also needs to go alone to sort out his crippling commitment issues. This is a man who is terrified of mortgages, loans and credit cards because of the "tie" that they are.
Not married...

Coelacanth Sun 09-Mar-14 08:45:38

He wants you to go along to hold his hand OP, not to work on your relationship. Essentially he isn't mature enough to handle the responsibility of being an adult man in a grown up relationship.

Being terrified of taking on what everybody has to at some stage (i.e standing on your own two feet) is no reason to lead someone on for years and then drop them then the going gets a little hot.

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