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Help me to remember this when I'm having a wobble..

(11 Posts)
CurtWild Sat 08-Mar-14 21:01:32

My stbxh is not my friend. He wasn't my friend during our marriage and he never will be. He's an arrogant, manipulative, devious, abusive yet incredibly charming man who has the world and his dog believing he did the right thing by leaving me because I made his life miserable. In actual fact I left him..but that isn't the story he's giving people. He was always very good at changing history.
I must must must remember these things for days like today. I took DC into town and we bumped into him. They were thrilled, he was sweet and polite and offered to buy us lunch to which I agreed, mostly due to the fact he's seen very little of them since our split.
Over lunch he was the funny, smart, articulate, non-confrontational man I met almost six years ago and I'll be honest, I forgot all the hurt he's capable of. We chatted and laughed together which we haven't done in a long time and when he said he'd like to come back to the house to spend a bit more time with our DC it seemed wrong to say no.
Shortly before lunch was over, he started pratting around on his phone, texting, and seeing as DD1 was getting bored I suggested we head home. When we got outside he kissed DD1 and gave our twins a quick cuddle and said he'd see them on wednesday. I reminded him he'd told them he'd come back with us for a bit. He answered that now he's away from me, he actually has a social life and we're not the only people demanding of his time, then walked off. Complete switch from easy to get on with to cold as ice.
I was seething, mostly at myself for being sucked in but also at him for telling our DC he'd come back and spend time with them then changing his mind at the last minute. I then had a 3 yr old and two 16 month olds to console because daddy had walked off, DD1 kept saying daddy had gone without her and was really upset. To be fair I don't think the twins got it but DD1 certainly did sad. Ten minutes earlier he was telling her he'd watch Cinderella with her then suddenly something is more important. It beggars belief.
So I need to remind myself on occasions like this that he is not my friend, that I couldn't trust or rely on him, or his word while we were together, so I certainly shouldn't do it now, and that I am very much better off without him. It's easy to forget when he's being so nice. I now feel like I'll be spending the rest of my DC's younger years picking up the pieces when he lets them down and I feel incredibly sad for them. I really wanted to text him a piece of my mind but I know he'll only miss the point entirely and accuse me of using our DC against him, so I've written this post instead.

outtheothersidefinally Sat 08-Mar-14 21:04:40

I know this. Stay strong and keep this post to refer to... It's so hard but you are doing amazing!

CurtWild Sat 08-Mar-14 21:11:22

Thank you ..Just writing the post made me feel better!

milkysmum Sat 08-Mar-14 21:16:24

Yes it is so hard to remember sometimes that you are definitely better off without these men in your life. dh and I spit only a week ago. I have a dd age 5 and ds age 2. dh took them for the afternoon and tonight dd has sobbed for hours asking for daddy to come home. After getting her to bed I am now sat sobbibg into my glass of wine watching the voice and like you am having to remind myself of the reasons we split and that this will get easier.

CurtWild Sat 08-Mar-14 21:32:26

Milkysmum..yes that's me tonight too. Crying into my ice cream and feeling like a complete monster. I know the split was the right thing and in general my DC are far happier and settled but when they've seen daddy they're upset, particularly my 3 year old who cried for him all the way back from town and asks for him every morning when she wakes up. He on the other hand is loving the single life and living it up and telling me if I regret the split (in general I don't) then it's my own fault for pushing him away confused

milkysmum Sun 09-Mar-14 08:09:16

hi curtwild. I guess yours are a bit littler but just wondering how best to explain that daddy is not coming back to live with us and what to say when she is sobbing her little heart outsad How are you managing the evenings alone- any tips?

SailingToByzantium Sun 09-Mar-14 08:09:37

One day when he's old and grey and all alone he'd like his DD to come and see him but of course she will be too busy with her own social life then - these things come round...

CurtWild Sun 09-Mar-14 09:08:39

Hi far she just thinks daddy's 'gone out' or 'hasn't come in yet' because she's too small as yet for me to really explain what's happening. Not sure if it's the right way but it's the best I have right now.
The evenings are still tough..we're only two weeks into our split and I admit I'm struggling to find stuff to do with myself once my DC are asleep. I love the calm, argument free atmosphere but I do miss the company. Almost six years is a big chunk of life to share with someone, I think it's only natural we miss the good bits. It was our first wedding anniversary last saturday..obviously I spent it alone and there were lots of tears sad

Anniegetyourgun Sun 09-Mar-14 09:15:00

Well, playing mind games on the XW who threw you out is one thing, not a nice thing of course, but badly letting down a 3-year-old is a whole other level of meanness. There can only be an empty heart behind the charming exterior of a man who can do that to a small child. Stay away, and know you definitely did the right thing.

mumtopremie Sun 09-Mar-14 09:21:53

My stbxh is not my friend. He wasn't my friend during our marriage and he never will be. He's an arrogant, manipulative, devious, abusive yet incredibly charming man who has the world and his dog believing he did the right thing by leaving me because I made his life miserable. In actual fact I left him..but that isn't the story he's giving people. He was always very good at changing history.

Wow, this is my stbxh. He has everyone believing he is a victim and I am the wicked witch. All the bad he has done to me he has pretended its the other way round. It makes me sick the way other people think hes this lovely guy, when in reality he's abusive, controlling, a pathological liar and will say anything that the thinks people want to hear. He's know exactly what to say to me to get to change my mind about leaving him and time and time again I fall for it waiting for things to change. They never do. Its nice to know I'm not alone, but not glad that you have the problem as well.

Stay strong

CurtWild Sun 09-Mar-14 09:44:43

Annie..this is exactly what upset me this weekend, I'm experienced with what he's capable of and if I'd been in town on my own and he'd offered me lunch I'd have politely declined but having DC there, I figured it was a nice gesture on his part and a bit of extra daddy time for my DC. I know how cruel he can be with me but to do that to my sweet little girl was far, far worse and left me cold to the bone
that this might be what my DC will have to grow up with.

Mumtopremie..I have been labelled all kinds of things by my stbxh, he has so many people tied up in his story of being 'the victim' and they have no idea what he's like, what I've lived with these last twelve months or so. These people know me, they know I'm a good person, they know that I scrapped and borrowed from family to get away from him.
I didn't share all the ins and outs of our problems with them but has it not entered their heads that I must have had a bloody good reason to do that? Honestly he could sell ice to eskimos.

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