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My husband and I love each other very much but our marriage is terrible!

(35 Posts)
pgwispa Sat 08-Mar-14 14:07:17

As the title says we both really do love and care for each other an awful lot but we can't carry on like this. We have been married for 5 years and have no children. We desperately want them but it hasn't happened yet and I'm glad as we couldn't bring children into this. We argue and bicker often, usually over nothing but ooften over our families. There was a falling out between them before we got married which still causes major tension between us. Whenwe row we shout and scream and call each other horrible names. Occasionally we physically hurt each other, more often him hurting me I have to say. We have got much better at not letting things get that bad recently. We have very little in common and spend very little time together; I work a million hours a week and that isn't likely to change. We are very tense around each other and worry that anything we say could spark the next row so we don't really communicate. I know that you will all say that we should split up but I really don't want that and am looking for some practical advice to improve things.

stargirl1701 Sat 08-Mar-14 14:09:42

I have none. Leave.

This is abuse. Leave.

Pickofthepops Sat 08-Mar-14 14:11:58

The family rift stuff can make life so difficult. It's never too late to stop beating each other up on this.

Can you take a holiday together? How would you feel if something awful happened to him?

KouignAmann Sat 08-Mar-14 14:12:09

This isn't how you treat someone you love. It sounds toxic and you need to be apart from him. What did you learn about relationships growing up? Do you know what a real loving relationship looks like?

Unexpected Sat 08-Mar-14 14:12:34

If you cared for someone you wouldn't continually hurt each other physically, call each other terrible names and fall out with your families. How did you ever get together if you admit you have very little in common?

Pickofthepops Sat 08-Mar-14 14:13:14

Just read clearly about him hurting you, either direction if you him, just as bad. Sounds like without any hope the best way is to cut your losses before kids are involved.

RhondaJean Sat 08-Mar-14 14:14:13

Right.

Don't leave; learn strategies to deal with your disagreement without having horrible rows.

Counselling, self help books, whatever?

Can you be open with us about how bad the physical side of the arguments is?

WowserBowser Sat 08-Mar-14 14:17:54

Why do you want to be with him?

BarbarianMum Sat 08-Mar-14 14:23:47

You can love a person but still be the wrong life partner for them. Love is only one of many things you need to make a relationship work. You need to walk away.

pgwispa Sat 08-Mar-14 14:46:43

I don't know whether it is abusive but it is certainly toxic at the moment. We both grew up with married parents who stayed married through some difficult periods especially when their children were young. Neither of us is a stranger to tension and arguments. We are going on holiday in a few weeks, we have been to the same place before and have had some brilliant times so I do have high hopes for that. If something terrible happened to him I truly would be devastated. I absolutely agree that I am as bad as him and I need to sort that out whatever happens. We did go to one relate session a few years ago and were told we didn't need to go back just to plan fun activities to spend together andstop worrying. I want to be with him because when we are not arguing and we are laughing together I'm the happiest I've ever been. Rhonda can you recommend any books?

Superworm Sat 08-Mar-14 15:05:38

When you start calling each other names, the respect has gone IMO.

You wouldn't hurl abuse call friend names in an arguments and expect to kept their friendship. Same for physical violence which is flat out abusive.

what's keeping you from leaving?

pgwispa Sat 08-Mar-14 15:11:58

The fact that I know that at times we make each other happy and my belief that we can make it better. I'm just not sure how.

anchories Sat 08-Mar-14 15:16:03

The relate website have a whole heap of books, which would probably benefit you both, whether you choose to stay together or not.

neolara Sat 08-Mar-14 15:16:21

Bringing children up in the kind of dynamic you describe would be very unkind IMO. Like others, I would say it's probably time to walk away. You say you have nothing in common and fight frequently. Why would you stay?

MiniTheMinx Sat 08-Mar-14 15:18:54

Picking fights over silly little things is a choice, you could choose not to. As is name calling and pushing and shoving people around. If you spend so little time together, but the time you do spend together is taken up in arguing then I would say you are either very unsuited or both very intolerant.

drinkyourmilk Sat 08-Mar-14 15:24:57

Couples CBT may work well if you are both willing to try. It helps you to adjust behaviour and helps you understand why you (collective you) behave the way you do. I would suggest 5 sessions and then see where you stand. I would also try to fins a hobby or activity you can do together. My oh and I both love films. I love crochet and walking, he loves his cars and music. We alternate activities to do together. He is coming to a craft show in London tomorrow, which he will hate bless him, I am spending today looking at pre 66 cars (yawn).

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 15:25:59

I'm sorry but the times that you make each other happy are no compensation for what sounds like your standard way of interacting with each other. Many people stay trapped in miserable marriages/relationships clinging to an increasingly small number of 'happy times' that get further and further apart. You mention a family fall-out (care to elaborate?) and long working hours but the real killer is that you say you have little in common. That's usually the complaint of people married 20+ years, not five. Also very worrying that you say you both tiptoe around each other for fear of sparking an argument. It's unhealthy.... you're not even friends, let alone lovers.

How you make it better is probably to get back to Relate. You both have to find ways to talk to each other kindly and stop modelling your relationship on tense, argumentative parents. Glad you're not adding children to this because you must know how miserable an upbringing that creates.

Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes two people can have great affection for each other but are toxic together.

mrsspagbol Sat 08-Mar-14 15:27:35

Book rec: boundaries in marriage by drs cloud and townsend

MistressDeeCee Sat 08-Mar-14 15:32:27

This sounds very toxic.

If you decide you want to stay well then, you BOTH have to be brutally honest about facing issues. It sounds as if the external stuff - family matters, very long working hours etc - is blighting your relationship. & you are physically fighting?! Not good at all.

Couples counselling would be your next step, with a full commitment from both of you to attend and take heed. It'll be no use if you're going there to pointscore 'he did this she did that'. You both have to want your relationship to work, and take steps towards that. People can love each other but not like each other. & that in itself can be the death knell for a relationship.

This sounds like my grandparents. They stayed married despite arguing literally every single day, coming to blows very often and more or less hating each other for sixty years. Any love there had been was strangled out of the relationship because they couldn't even get on. It was a disaster. One became dependant on alcohol. The other had at least two breakdowns. Their relationship had repercussions on all of their children and grandchildren. My grandad died after a heart attack he had during an argument with my grandma.

Leave, for gods sake.

Joysmum Sat 08-Mar-14 15:38:50

Loving somebody means you are more intent in making them happy than you are in making yourself happy. Perhaps you should talk about that concept because unless you both subscribe to that idea then the marriage will destroy the pair of you and bringing out the worst in you both, rather than the best.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 08-Mar-14 15:42:45

Stay together if you must but please please don't bring children into this awful relationship.

Polkadolly Sat 08-Mar-14 15:52:34

I've been in a very similar situation although tbh I was the more violent one which I'm very ashamed of. We were under almost exactly the same stresses as you as well as financial difficulties.

We came close to splitting up only the love we had for each other and the knowledge that when we were good we were great. It took a lot of work on both our parts. I had to learn to control my temper, to deal with issues instead of bottling things up and using minor arguments as a way to bring up the real issues.

In return dh had to adapt his behaviour.

Lots of people will tell you to leave and I almost did leave my dh as I loved him so much but hated what we had become. Now a few years on we are better than ever and it's hard to believe how bad things had gotten.

Sorry for the long post my main point is if it's worth fighting for then work together and do it xx

LavenderGreen14 Sat 08-Mar-14 16:17:38

Surely physically hurting each other is abuse? That alone is more than enough to walk away from such a toxic relationship. It sounds dangerous quite frankly.

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