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sex vs masturbation

(22 Posts)
amievil Sat 08-Mar-14 13:57:14

DW and I have very mismatched sex drives, mainly due to health issues and tiny children running us both ragged.

DW has never had the highest sex drive, but we did used to have some fun at least once a week, and I've always been like a 17year old on heat. Once we'd settled in to our marriage and the sex "schedule" became established I was happy. I love DW very much and would much rather have her as part of my life than have sex two or three times a day.

Since we had DC our sex life has become none existent. I gave DW plenty of space after DC before trying anything more than a kiss and cuddle as we we're both more interested in sleep than anything else. After we'd done the first time post DC I let her initiate the next time, It was approx 2 months later, after that I tried to initiate after about a month and got rejected. I tried again about a week later, rejected. This went on for a few weeks before she stated something like "just stop pawing at me".

At this point I decided to let the sex be initiated by her everytime. We now have settled in to a routine of once every... well I don't know, it's been once this year.

Anyway, that's the back story, on with the subject.

Having a ridiculously high sex drive I find myself "needing" to orgasm at least every other day but I don't like to masturbate
It's not that I don't enjoy masturbation, it's that it doesn't feel right that I should be having sexual pleasure behind my DW's back.
I don't use porn for masturbation as I have a very good imagination and most of my masturbatory fantasies involve DW but it still almost feels unfair that I'm having sexual gratification and not being able to give her the same pleasure.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in the way of answers. I suppose I want women with low sex drives to tell me that they love, or would love, the fact that their partners take care of their own needs.

Thanks

itsbetterthanabox Sat 08-Mar-14 14:06:52

Just masturbate if you want to. Don't feel guilty it's your body.
Masturbation is not replacement for sex it is separate. Don't feel like your wife is missing out in some way because she does not desire sex at that moment.

Very low sex drive ATM as I'm 6 months through a difficult pregnancy.

My attitude may not be the norm but I encourage DH to sort himself out. I've got no stamina for anything sexual right now and want him to not feel frustrated so in my book masturbation is 100% okay smile

Horsemad Sat 08-Mar-14 14:10:31

She's probably very pleased that you're not bothering her for sex!

Do you help around the house? She won't feel like sex if she's a domestic drudge. And, even if you DO help, she may still be too knackered/stressed to have it very often.

Can you take her away for a w/e without all the mundane house, kids etc?

ouryve Sat 08-Mar-14 14:10:38

Don't feel bad about masturbating. As long as your wife knows that you'll usually be interested when she is, and you show affection in other ways, there's nothing wrong with it.

Apart from being tired at the moment, she might not be ovulating, which almost always makes a difference to libido.

Horsemad Sat 08-Mar-14 14:17:34

Sorry OP I didn't address the sex vs masturbating issue.

Don't feel guilty, your wife isn't being short changed by you masturbating, you are not pushing her to have sex and are deaing with it in your own way.

gamerchick Sat 08-Mar-14 14:21:10

bugger all wrong with masturbation.. for either of you.

Jellymum1 Sat 08-Mar-14 14:22:14

Dont feel bad about it. Im sure shed rather that then you go out getting your rocks off with other women! I worry about her though. My sex drive is generally rubbish if I am feeling low or unwanted/uunsey/unloved. Are you trying to meet her other needs? I really fancy my husband when he is more attentive, holds my hand, stops me for a cuddle, doesnt just talk to me about housework or work!

Helltotheno Sat 08-Mar-14 14:57:45

Meh... I say you should just co-parent with your wife and find someone whose sex drive matches your own.

Also what you do behind closed doors is your own business really isn't it, within reason?

Logg1e Sat 08-Mar-14 15:07:30

There seems to be very little discussion and a lot of assuming and making decisions in your own head.

Joysmum Sat 08-Mar-14 15:49:41

In my marriage, hubby and I mastaurbate if the other isn't available sexually. I only see a problem with mastaurbation if it takes the place of sex.

I think the real question for me, having read the OP, is whether you are satisfied with your relationship to make the lack of sex worth it? Is it something ok medium term but not do long term etc.

SoonToBeSix Sat 08-Mar-14 16:28:16

Great attitude hellto

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 08-Mar-14 17:41:25

Tiredness after having a baby killed my sex drive. Sex always feels like a chore but once I get into it, I do really enjoy it.
The worst thing EVER is when my dh wanted to turn every hug into sexy times though. Make sure you give her lots of non-sexy affection and try and talk openly to her about how you feel without putting pressure on her.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 08-Mar-14 17:41:42

And it's fine to sort yourself out.

arsenaltilidie Sat 08-Mar-14 17:53:49

Sex once a week at the begining. Scheduled sex.
Sex once a month or two.

It doesn't sound like you have a high sex drive.
Either she makes an effort or go your separate ways.

MerryWinterfel Sat 08-Mar-14 18:54:16

Have you both discussed it?

Nottalotta Sat 08-Mar-14 19:53:28

We don't have children yet so I can't speak from that particular experience. I do know though that i wish we had sex more often, and it would really really bother me to have had sex once this year. It would be a deal breaker for me. I would have to talk to dh about it and try to resolve the issue.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you sorting yourself out, and you shouldn't worry about your wife 'missing out' but the mis matched sex drive would really bother me.

Helltotheno Sat 08-Mar-14 20:21:18

Great attitude hellto

Thanks grin

<just saving him time really>

Ludways Sat 08-Mar-14 20:27:15

Sex and masterbation aren't the same thing, sometimes dh and I masterbate on the same night without any desire to do it together. It fulfils a need super fast.

sykadelic Sat 08-Mar-14 21:29:10

I agree with a PP who said don't let every time you hug or touch or kiss her turn into sex. Let her initiate sex sure, but you should initiate intimacy (cuddles, kisses)... and realise that she'll probably get annoyed because she assumes you want it to turn into sex.

I've found there are certain lovely things my husband does that means he wants sex. I find that any time he does these things, while I enjoy it, I'm tense because I think he's hoping it leads to something and I'm not in the mood yet, or I'm tired. These aren't things i find particular sexual either so I find it unreasonable to hear "well when I do X I want sex".

It's frustrating. She's still tired, likely not feeling very good about her body so you "nagging" (as she sees it) would just trigger her frustration, hence the "stop pawing at me".

LauraBridges Sat 08-Mar-14 21:53:28

I thought most men and women masturbate even if they have a lot of sex with their partners but I suppose this just shows how we all differ.

"Alvy and Annie are seeing their therapists at the same time on a split screen]

Alvy Singer's Therapist: How often do you sleep together?

Annie Hall's Therapist: Do you have sex often?

Alvy Singer: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.

Annie Hall: [annoyed] Constantly. I'd say three times a week. "

WitchWay Sat 08-Mar-14 23:16:23

I wouldn't want my DH to be masturbating behind my back (urgh!) but I'm happy for him to go somewhere else & do it. I masturbate so why oughtn't he?

smile

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