Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

New marriage is over?

(14 Posts)
Tiredgal12 Sat 08-Mar-14 13:46:46

Not really sure where to start or what I'm looking to achieve, but here goes...

I have been married for a handful of months and I just can't continue to try and make it work and I feel terribly guilty and embarrassed by this huge failing.

Life was just so difficult, was constantly accused of having affairs (I wasn't and have never even thought about doing so), given a hard time for calling friends, family and wanting to see them. I know that life was not sustainable, the lack of privacy and constant calls/messages just clashed with my naturally independent nature, but I just feel so embarrassed that we have only just got married..

knowledgeispower Sat 08-Mar-14 13:57:15

Don't feel embarrassed OP. If anyone should be embarrassed it's your H.

I'm sure someone will be along with sound advice. Don't let fear, obligation and guilt hold you back. Life is to short.

Joysmum Sat 08-Mar-14 14:06:26

There's no point in feeling embarrassed about something you can't control. If things are that bad that early I'm so glad you've got the balls to get out quick.

KouignAmann Sat 08-Mar-14 14:09:36

Feeling embarrassed is no reason to stay with someone who sounds controlling and jealous. He was trying to isolate you from family and friends and suppress your independence. Better to get out now than stay twenty years and get crushed to a shadow of yourself.
Looking back at the early months of my marriage I can see now there were lots of red flags but I didn't wake up for another 24 years. Well done you! Can you plan something lovely to do on your own? And arrange to catch up with those friends he didn't approve of? You will find some of them didn't like him very much but never said...

Tiredgal12 Sat 08-Mar-14 14:19:25

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I'm very lucky and have some wonderful friends who are amazing and support me. I suppose I just wonder if the 'correct' way would be to compromise more, but just know that I was so unhappy living with him.

It sounds as though I'm fishing but I'm not; I just want to know if I should still be there trying to make it work even though life there is so exhausting and glum.

I just hate the thought of people thinking I went into marriage lightly, I didnt and I value it immensely but I feel like I have no choice but to end it?

I am struggling with guilt, wrongly before I would've always said... You can make it work, for better or worse...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 14:27:20

You didn't enter marriage lightly and, now that you've realised your husband is a controlling & emotionally abusive bully, you won't be ending it lightly either. Anyone who genuinely knew you would presumably understand that. Anyone who doesn't know you doesn't have an opinion worth listening to.

Better to get out now than be miserable for a second longer.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 14:29:26

"before I would've always said... You can make it work, for better or worse..."

BTW... easy to make simplistic judgements when you haven't walked in someone else's shoes. smile

meddie Sat 08-Mar-14 14:30:54

Dont beat yourself up about it. He is displaying classic signs of controlling behaviour this early, it will only get worse. Is he pushing for children too?.
My ex was lovely until we married then turned into a controlling possesive emotional abuser. I wish I had walked sooner rather than waiting 4 years.
In that time he managed to crush my confidence, self esteem and independence, which makes it harder to leave. You are right to question this behaviour sooner rather than later. Dont let guilt or embarassment stop you. The gossips get bored pretty quickly, whereas you have a life to live. Make it a happy one

Parsley1234 Sat 08-Mar-14 14:33:41

Realised our marriage was over on honeymoon limped on for three years unhappily much happier now and am my own person. Ex is much happier too life is short choose happiness and gossip is short lived

Tiredgal12 Sat 08-Mar-14 14:39:26

Cogito- I know and I always thought I'm not judgemental, but it seems I was. Oh and trust me lesson learnt! smile

Thanks again though all, it's really nice to have feedback that I know isn't biased.

He used to push on having children, but I said before we got married that I really didn't think I would want children. He has children from a previous relationship which I always felt woul be enough, although to be honest I don't think I trusted him enough to have children. Life was so hard with just us I knew I couldn't possibly be with him and bring up a baby. This dawned on me a couple of months ago.

I do feel that if I stayed I would be giving up the option to have children, should I decide too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 14:43:37

Children deserve better than a controlling bully for a father. You don't even need a permanent partner in order to be a mother, although I realise that's not particularly traditional.

IslaValargeone Sat 08-Mar-14 14:44:57

I knew within months of my marriage that it was over.
I didn't feel I could walk away, not least because he was older than me and I couldn't bear the thought of the gossipy "Well we knew that wouldn't last" type of thing.
It took me 5 years to leave, by which time I was a shadow of my former self, both physically and mentally.
Be led by gut, not guilt.

Nomama Sat 08-Mar-14 14:46:23

Find a phrase and practice it.

'He changed as soon as the ring was on my finger'
'He turned into a complete control freak'
'He simply is not the man I agreed to marry'

Then say it, over and over again, to yourself and friends, as and when required - consider yourself free to self medicate with your chosen phrase.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. OK, be a bit embarrassed, that's natural. But not ashamed. Oh, and be very, very grateful he came on strong so quickly. You haven't had time to become acclimatised, to grow the habit of agreeing with him.

Good luck xx

BillyBanter Sat 08-Mar-14 14:47:35

You can make it work, for better or worse.

Only if the 'you' is plural, not singular. You singular cannot make a marriage work.

It is him who has destroyed the marriage through his behaviour, not you through walking away.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now