Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

(520 Posts)
DickCrack Sat 08-Mar-14 09:58:40

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

Queenoftheworld Sat 05-Jul-14 17:17:39

Go YOU! Massive smile from me.

Especially good news about the boys. I think they will be fine with you as their Mum.

Nice one.

DickCrack Sat 05-Jul-14 17:00:29

Hello Queen - nice to be remembered!
I'm doing ok. Saw a solicitor this week - he has refused mediation point blank. He has been ok with contact though up to this week when man flu stopped him participating for 5 days. Still wondering if it's feasible to continue to work full time. He's paying a decent maintenance amount but I doubt that will continue at such a high amount indefinitely. The boys are ok, school reports and nursery reports suggest they really are ok.
Still wish things had worked out differently but he continues to be an emotionally constipated prick so I'm not missing much.

Queenoftheworld Sat 05-Jul-14 11:44:48

Hey, how are you doing?

Smilesandpiles Tue 13-May-14 16:35:48

For a little added extra...remember if you do an online food shop but you're a bit skint?

First deliveries usually have a discount of around £20. Try ALL of them for now...especially Occado as I got a massive discount with that one.

I'm not saying he is still seeing her but based on what you've said in that last post..."the OW doesn't want me" says it all to me. I wouldn't be surprised if this is what happened:

Shags OW without you knowing.
Get's caught
You kick him out
He breaks up with OW to get his feet back under the table and back with you
Goes back to OW when plan starts to fall apart
SHE told him where to go
He's back to crying to you and begging to come back as he really doesn't have any other option (note.. wallowing in his own mess he's made and starting again on his own isn't an option to him either)

Anyway, what's your next step? What's next on the list?

redundantandbitter Mon 12-May-14 23:20:32

Loving the DIY tips. Will get that book to go with the drill I bought last weekend and have utterly no idea how to use and managed to repair my shed with.

dick so sorry that he's sobbing down the phone and hiniting / saying things about mummy to your DCs. I'm not defending him but I've had this with my Dc's and their father from both sides. Snippets Dc's have reported back COMPLETELY fabricated or taken out of context.

It's a bit of a MN mantra but detach detach detach. Let him sob, you get to think and decide how you'd like to live. There's plenty of time. Glad you have booked some time away, good luck with the DIY. There should be a thread probably is, haven't checked, spend too much time in Relationships section

MrsC1969HJ Mon 12-May-14 22:16:01

"You can just tell can't you"...one glass of red and I'm illiterate :-/

MrsC1969HJ Mon 12-May-14 22:15:30

Smiles Excellent posts...on the nail indeed!

Dick You just can tell can you my darling? I understand need for wanting family back together, I feel same, but my God you just have to plough on. Fab about weekends...good for you girl. Keep bodging, it keeps me amused ;-) xx

DickCrack Mon 12-May-14 20:20:03

Ps today I booked two weekends away for me and the boys :-)

DickCrack Mon 12-May-14 20:19:03

smiles do you really think he's still in touch with her? I suppose he's a proven liar, I find it hard to get my head round that sometimes, think he is a friend then remember he did the most awful thing anyone has ever done to me.
Thanks for the DIY advice, I'm finding my new skills bodge it mess ups very empowering!

Smilesandpiles Mon 12-May-14 14:16:45

As for the plastering,

The trick is to lay it on, let it dry a little and then smooth it out. The more you play with it (the plaster) the wetter it get. It needs to left alone to dry a little before you make it nice and smooth.

DIY, this is what I did too. Invest in some good tools. You really do get what you pay for...and this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Collins-Complete-Manual-Albert-Jackson/dp/0007425953/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399899878&sr=8-1&keywords=diy+book

Known as The Bible in this house and it's saved me a fucking fortune.

The first year of this crap is the hardest, as it's all the milestones that you have to do on your own BUT..it's a lot, lot easier after that first year. I promise you, it's not as bad you think it is and look what you have done so far. Look what you have acheived so far and look at what you are planning to do...3 months on and you are making plans! It took me twice as long to get to the stage you are at now.

I don't want to sound patronising, but think PRACTICAL. It makes life a whole lot easier, especially when you are ill. ALWAYS overstock on loo roll, bread, milk, calpol and nurofen. It's the little things that can tip you over the edge, like having to drag them both out to go to the shop for milk because one of them has drunk or spilt the last of it..which you forgot to get on the way home from work. Again.

Online banking, online shopping, online food shopping are god sent. Use them and take advantage of them. Do everything it takes to make life that little bit easier...even a steam mop has helped me as it's quicker and easier to use than the whole mop and bucket farce.

Use the calendar, makes notes and keep looking at it. Deal with paperwork straight away (this one is easier said than done), mark it on calendar, or put money in envenlopes for trips or bills and then file them away.

Take up as many offers of going out as you can. Build up a new social life for yourself.

Everything will get easier and easier as each month passes. That I can promise you, as can others.

Smilesandpiles Mon 12-May-14 13:59:51

Hang on a second.

I've just read your entire thread. In your last post you said :

"ow apparently doesn't want him and he doesn't want her"

Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm sure you said that they agreed to go No contact months ago...

Apparently they met for a cup of tea on Sunday and decided no further contact.

You posted that on Wednesday 19th of March...which means they had this meeting on the Sunday before...the 16th according to my computer.

I may be looking too much into it but I'm getting the impression he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes about him and her not talking as well as everything else.

DickCrack Mon 12-May-14 13:09:51

Thanks mrsC. No, I don't want him back, though I do desperately want my family back. Bloody arsehole he is. I hate that he can do this to us. Though hearing him sob and beg to return last night was strangely helpful. I have tried to explain to the boys, but I really do think he's been poisoning them. X

MrsC1969HJ Mon 12-May-14 00:18:34

Also, I think it's a bit off to keep kids inside for that length of time, especially for a 3 yo. I know mine wouldn't cope with that at all. I also think we've all "inappropriately lost it" at one time or another...it happens even when you're trying to do the best for everybody. Have you talked with the kids about it? x

MrsC1969HJ Mon 12-May-14 00:11:01

Oh dear oh dear...weirdly similar to my recent experiences with "words in mouth syndrome". He clearly isn't ready to let go completely with the whole "I have no room" nonsense. Have had similar with stuff in garage and then "you can't sell the house I won't let you" shit. It really is a script isn't it? What is he saying Dick, he wants to come home? Do you want him home? I think that is the question here isn't it? x

DickCrack Sun 11-May-14 23:38:38

Resurrected my thread, hoping for some more advice and insights please thanks
I've been doing well, back at work, he's been seeing kids for morning school run 3x per week, pick up 2x a week and one weekend day. He's continued to be totally avoidant of me and I've not really been bothered.
But Friday after contact ds1 starts saying daddy says you did xyz wrong (well not exactly that but you get the gist). I contacted ex who denied saying any such thing. Ds1 in strange mood, talking about packing case to move in with daddy.
Today he took them for contact. He kept them in his 1 bed tiny flat for 10 hours. He played with them but I was upset, their home and stuff is here, ds2 is only just 3, he spends 5 days per week at nursery 9-5 and on Saturdays we have swimming lessons. So basically the boys are not having any significant time at home. When he dropped the boys back I'd been clearing stuff out (I struggle when the boys aren't here and try to keep busy) and had left some of his stuff out for him. He went batshit, saying he's not got room for it, this house is half his, he wants to go in his shed etc. in front of boys. I'm afraid I lost it too, in front of boys, told him he could come home whenever he wants, in front of ds1, to try to stop the "mummy threw me out" poisoning I feel is going on.
After boys were in bed I rang him. He's weeping again, very unhappy, ow apparently doesn't want him and he doesn't want her. He wants his family back. He's sorry. No effort at all to make any amends, just he wants.
It's shook me a bit.

MrsC1969HJ Tue 22-Apr-14 21:20:20

I wish I was Dick...a bit further south! I am loving your style though, especially about plastering! I need to do some of that but as I can't ice a cake, I might get you round instead! :-). That post did make me laugh! Go for it, look forward to comedy updates :-D x

DickCrack Tue 22-Apr-14 19:20:57

MrsC great minds and all that! I wonder if you are nearby - I'm in the midlands. Well I have some beading, a tube of no more nails and a hope I can saw beading with a bread knife. That's job one. Then, slightly more ambitiously, I'm going to remove the facing from all the kitchen cabinets, sand and repaint the bare wood. If it looks shit I will claim on the house insurance for a natural disaster.
My next project is re plastering the bathroom ceiling. Now I can make butter icing smooth on a cake so I reckon I'm going to be a natural at that. If it looks shit I will claim on the house insurance for a natural disaster.
I'm back to work next week. I think I'm ready!

MrsC1969HJ Tue 22-Apr-14 18:42:26

Dick, I opened an account at Screwfix yesterday! I am also rubbish at DIY but my H (a builder) has left half the house with significant (cosmetic) work to do and I am going to have to attempt to do it. He is an arsehole. Currently telling everybody how "happy for once" he is...never mind the rest of us. So, we can share DIY tips. Hope you're feeling better today. I know what you mean though, I used to really struggle with DS not being here but actually I quite like the time now and always arrange something nice to do. See if you can do that instead of always spending your time cleaning. I would obviously rather have my family together though, it's not easy x

DickCrack Tue 22-Apr-14 15:47:58

I've bought a load of DIY stuff. I'm rubbish at DIY but I really don't know what to do with my time without the boys. I think until he left I had maybe 3 or 4 afternoons to myself in 5 and a half years. I have run out of things to clean.

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 13:40:42

Please just keep reminding yourself of the truth of your relationship.

Hellish, remember?

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 13:37:11

My love, please don't think he did that because he hated you!

He did it (a) because he could (aka entitled) and (b) because the only person that's important to him is him.

You, rightfully or wrongfully, were never at the centre of his decision making rationale.

DickCrack Tue 22-Apr-14 13:06:04

Thank you hissy - I've just dropped the boys off at his flat. It's a student top floor attic, two tiny rooms, it was clean but very depressing. I can't believe he's thrown everything away like he has - 49 years old and living in a fucking bedsit in shit street. He must have really hated me to do it. More wobbly today. Ds2 been to docs this morning, another chest infection. Not really sure what to do with myself now.

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 11:52:23

Dick his access needs to end at 6pm then. Bogey's right, this is him making you pay for not being destroyed.

What a tit he really is. HE did this FFS, not you. HE DID.

Are you feeling better now love? overcome your wobble?

MrsC1969HJ Tue 22-Apr-14 09:32:22

Dick I am OK, had some pathetic texts from H this weekend going on about how I have "no idea of the hell he is going through and will never understand, I have paid for leaving, don't you worry"...oh really?! Twat. I know what you mean about family life though, it's very difficult. Please do ring 101 next time and you should make a report anyway. I get some very good advice from my friend, so always feel free to PM me if not sure x

Bogeyface Tue 22-Apr-14 01:14:11

The lateness was punishing you because you said that him leaving was the best thing he could do for you. How DARE you not be in pieces? How DARE you not be missing him, dreaming of him, wanting him back?!

He needs you to be thinking about him. Pathetic isnt it?! grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now