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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I going mad?

33 replies

talullah57 · 08/03/2014 04:02

Split from husband. He's having an affair. The woman is living almost on my doorstep. Having to deal with that. My brother in law and my brother went out for a drink with husband a week ago. Have had no support from them. Brother in law would be here at least 2 weekends a month to sleep over and go for walks, and I would cook for them. They've spent the past 12 Xmas' here. They would not only stay Xmas Night but Boxing Night too. Always fed. Never knew where fridge was. Brother in law friends with the bint on fb. I am totally aghast. Don't know how I should deal with this.

OP posts:

Report

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 06:04

Assuming your brother in law is your STBXH's brother, there's not a lot you can do about that. Family loyalty often wins the day no matter how many lunches you've cooked someone down the years. However, for similar reasons, your own brother's first loyalty is to you. Remind him blood is thicker than water.

Hissy · 08/03/2014 14:39

Sadly, you maybe expecting too much of someone related to your twunt of a H. :(

You will learn a lot about who your friends are. And you'll be surprised.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all this. :(

DameFanny · 08/03/2014 14:43

I suppose one thing to do is feel glad you never have to have BIL around again?

Have you asked your brother what he's playing at?

So sorry you're in this position.

talullah57 · 08/03/2014 14:50

BIL is my sister's husband.

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ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 08/03/2014 14:53

Sod the lot of them
Now you won't have to feed and pander to the lazy bastards

I'm sorry you're going through this too

Newpencilcase · 08/03/2014 14:53

What does your sister say.

I would have strong words. You might not be able to stop them but you should let them know how hurtful it is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 14:54

What does your sister have to say about it? Have you told her they're not welcome any more if her husband keeps cosying up to your ex?

talullah57 · 08/03/2014 14:57

Sis says she doesn't want to get involved. I feel totally isolated.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 15:13

Do they know he's having an affair etc?

talullah57 · 08/03/2014 15:22

Yes they do know. They just seem to have their heads in the sand. They have always liked H but he seems to be getting all the support and I'm being pushed away. I don't think they see the damage that's been done.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 15:28

Then you have to stand up for yourself. Call both your brother and sister and tell them that they have to choose, you or him. You may well end up isolated but with family like that, who needs enemies?

Nomama · 08/03/2014 15:30

So stand up and shout at them!

Tell them how they are making you feel and no, you aren't being hormonal or nagging, your husband, their friend is currently shagging another woman - ask they where their loyalties lie?

Don't shy away from it. Your brother and sister are acting appallingly badly and you have absolutely no reason to spare their feelings.

talullah57 · 08/03/2014 15:35

I did stand up and shout months ago. Now I just feel very sad. I don't want to lose my family and if the support was equal, I'd understand as I appreciate nobody wants to take sides. But the phone never rings. It's just been a horrendous few months. I'm slowly getting over H with counselling but they seem to be behaving like nothing's happening or this is perhaps all my fault. I don't know. Am handing in my marriage cert to sols on Monday and I know I will be seen as the bad guy for initiating proceedings. Just feeling absolutely blah today.

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Nomama · 08/03/2014 15:42

Jesus Christ, talullah! That is horrible! It isn't taking sides it is being family!

Go hand in that certificate. And tell your family how proud you are of yourself, not allowing the cheating bastard to get away with anything. Tell them, tell them, tell them......

.... and then go out and be a wild, wild woman. OK go out and rebuild yourself as a newly single, strong woman.

As I am often caught saying, when it comes to family, bollocks to the lot of them!!

talullah57 · 08/03/2014 15:44

Thank you. I'll try.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 15:46

Why would you be seen as the bad guy when it's common knowledge that he's left you for someone new? I wouldn't worry about losing your family. They don't sound worth keeping, the cowardly, disloyal lot.

Nomama · 08/03/2014 15:47

No you won't. You will succeed

Seriously, don't let it get to you where it really matters. You'll get through it, cliched as that is.

MN will always be here for a good rant and tempy tanty

xx

Hissy · 08/03/2014 15:54

Shame on your sister love. Shame on your BIL.

I hope they have to pay a fortune worth of sleeping tablets to lay their treacherous heads on a pillow and sleep at night.

Seriously, if they aren't with you, they aren't worth keeping.

Family nEeds to be held to a higher account, not lower!

talullah57 · 08/03/2014 16:02

Thank you all. I know you're right. All this will not make me ill again. I have turned a corner but the hurt is very hard. Thanks everyone.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 16:05

What was the illness? Please tell me he's not playing the 'she became impossible to live with when she was unwell' card...

talullah57 · 08/03/2014 16:08

I would rather not say here in case I get outed.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 16:13

Sorry. Didn't mean to pry. But is he turning this back as the whole thing being somehow your fault? Your illness 'drove him to it'? Is that why your siblings are not backing you up?

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talullah57 · 08/03/2014 16:16

I don't know what he has told my family. But yes, he IS blaming me for his misdemeanours and his affair. I can't go into much on here. I can't tell you everything that's gone on here on this forum. I wish I could as I'm sure someone would help me see that I'm not the bad guy and I'm not insane.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 16:22

You don't have to explain anything really. It's fairly standard weasel cheat behaviour for them to get their version of the story out to any gullible fool that will swallow it. It's a pity that your family are so willing to believe him rather than you. When you're the one left behind, it's very obvious you're probably not the bad guy.

Nomama · 08/03/2014 16:23

OK! BUCK UP YOU DAFT MARE!

No matter how ill you may have been that was never, ever going to be a viable excuse for him to bonk A N Other.

And even if it was your brother and sister should have the decency to remember that blood is thicker than water. They are snakes.....

We don't need details... honest! You may not be innocent, you may have done somethings to push him away, but your family should not give a monkey's about that. They are supposed to support you!

So, not the bad guy, not insane, merely another member of the 'I've got a shite family' club!

It's a big club, lifelong membership is totally free of charge! Welcome in

Flip

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