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I had an EA. how do I now make things right when they went so wrong.

(17 Posts)
glasshalfemp Fri 07-Mar-14 21:17:09

I posted late last year about my EA. We are now no contact and my husband still doesn't know (but suspected). I had some support on here which was very helpful and I am truly mortified that I did this. OM told me I am abusive and not a nice person for stringing him along and it was true. But things seemed to spiral out of control. I had been with my husband from late teens and am now approaching forty. He was my first both physically and emotionally. I woke up at 35 and all of a sudden craved attention out of the home and felt bogged down with routine and life as a fulltime working mum. If you read my last post I fell in love with someone else who gave me an ultimatum. I chose to stay (for the children) and try and make it work with DH who essentially has always been good to me. I am seeing a counsellor. Trying to work through why my self esteem is so low and why I acted so selfishly to both men. It's been NC for 2 months. I am now a shadow of my former self. I was/am in love with OM and have tried to block him and concentrate on my two children and DH. but I am so depressed and think of OM every day and miss him. He doesn't want anything to do with me quite rightly. I said my family had to come first although I know I should have thought about that before. But I don't feel it's fair to keep DH (who is unhappy due to my withdrawal of intimacy) in the dark any longer. He is a good man. But I fear what this means for the children. I have asked DH for a separation twice in six months. He says no. We stay together or divorce. I worry because we both work full time and do 50/50 childcare in the home. How can this work for children if we separate. We can't afford another hm. And I also feel it's not fair that he has to leave but also I couldn't/wouldn't want to leave my children. As the mother it always assumed I stay in the home with them. But I really am to blame for not telling my DH I wasn't happy two years ago and for then having an affair. So why do I get to stay. I know many will think you should have thought of that so now suffer . But I can't turn the clock back I just want to make the right steps going forward. I am so sorry for the steps I took. I am depressed and barely functioning. But I have to hold it together for the children and DHs sake. I think my DH would stay in an unhappy marriage for the children. I am just not sure I can. Especially when in love with someone else. Am I still being selfish to ask him for a separation. I feel I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Thanks for reading.

RRRJ83 Fri 07-Mar-14 22:55:25

No, you're not being selfish for wanting to leave a relationship that doesn't work. But don't leave for the other man either. Leave for yourself.

Benzalkonium Fri 07-Mar-14 23:07:35

Sound like you are finding it really hard to work out what to do, and of course, it's really difficult.

But lots of couples who both work full time separate and manage to continue 50/50.

Sure it involves massive changes, and sacrifices. Is it not better to make those sacrifices and show your kids a more honest model for relationships? And be a happier parent?

mynewpassion Fri 07-Mar-14 23:07:51

He already said that it is either divorce or work on the marriage. He is clear on his stance. Separate and ask him to start divorce proceedings.

glasshalfemp Fri 07-Mar-14 23:36:45

It's so final. Divorce. Shouldn't we give it time? I've been NC for two months from OM. Is there no way forward once the feelings have gone. Is it that simple? I am so consumed with how my children's lives have been shattered by me and they are living and laughing right now not knowing a bomb is about to explode. Does my DH deserve to know why 16 years went down the drain. Can we ever move forward and be happy again? Or are those the rules. You cheat and love someone else and it all implodes and you deal with the fallout. I guess that's it right...so choosing to stay is only right when what? You're not still having feelings elsewhere or when you still have feelings for your husband. Or neither. I guess I'm trying to figure it out I my head. Sorry to ramble. And I appreciate the posts thus far.

glasshalfemp Fri 07-Mar-14 23:42:19

RRR but I wouldn't be leaving for myself. I would stay if my DH was happy and muddle through. But he clearly isn't. And it's easier to deal with my own unhappiness but I can't watch his too IFSWIM. It reminds me of what a mistake I made and it's too much to bear. Because I love my DH. I am just not in love with him. Or at least I think in not. I'd be leaving because I can't pretend to be in love and I am trying to give my DH a second chance at life. But he loves me and says he wants to work it out. Do I stay longer and try? Can trying ever be an option?

maleview70 Fri 07-Mar-14 23:45:36

You say you have bee nc but also say the OM doesn't want to know and rightly so.....

So if he did want to know, would you have been nc or realistically is it at his instigation?

If you don't love someone anymore it's better to part. It's not fair on either of you to string this along any more. Kids will pick up on the signs if you stay together for their sake.

mynewpassion Sat 08-Mar-14 00:03:12

You were more than willing to make it final if the OM wiggled his fingers.

Leave not for you but for your children and your DH. They deserve better. It's going to hurt at first but with the passage of time, they will be better off.

glasshalfemp Sat 08-Mar-14 00:06:14

Maleview. NC began after I was given an ultimatum. I chose to stay. He doesn't want to know ie continue being the OM. I didn't want to leave for him. I knew i had to leave for me. I also thought I had to TRY before it ended with DH. I hadn't really tried. WE didn't face that we had problems two years ago. I guess the horse has bolted and I am trying to shut the stable doors.

glasshalfemp Sat 08-Mar-14 00:09:10

I must make clear I didn't want him to continue being the OM. I made that clear.

Xoticdreamz Sat 08-Mar-14 00:11:40

You and your husband need a proper discussion on how you both see things . You don't sound happy at all . I think relationships can be worked on but you need done honesty to begin .

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 06:34:32

"It's so final. Divorce. Shouldn't we give it time?"

What would time achieve except to put off the inevitable. Your DH is in a horrible situation, he knows something has gone on and he doesn't want to be kept on a string.

Divorce takes time in itself. To adapt the well-known saying.... 'have an affair in haste, repent at leisure'

Decanter Sat 08-Mar-14 09:09:46

Not knowing what went on must be eating your husband up. I feel so sorry for him and for every other husband or wife who has been cheated on, and the cheating partner does not come clean. Why have you not told him? To save your feeling or his? Perhaps he wouldn't be so keen to stay and work on the marriage if he knew precisely what had happened. I really do think you are being disgustingly weak and very cruel in not admitting what you did. You haven't yet had to admit to what you have done to your husband. He deserves to know and in time your children do too.

itwillgetbettersoon Sat 08-Mar-14 10:03:42

I think it is too late for you to work on your marriage.

You had an affair without talking to your husband and working on the marriage THEN;

You and om have only ended because you couldn't leave your lovely family set up. You didn't think if the implications of divorce on your children before you embarked on an affair;

Ultimately people who have affairs are cowards, lazy and selfish. That will never change.

Let your husband decide what he wants AFTER you have told him about the affair. It is upto him as well.

Greybrows Sat 08-Mar-14 12:04:54

can trying ever be an option?

I believe it can, if you are fully committed to it. It sounds as though you are leaning towards trying, but you are still distracted by thoughts of the OM. You say you love your husband but are 'in love' with the OM. That 'in love' feeling isn't real, the relationship hasn't been tested, it's essentially a fantasy. Changing the way you think about it and getting treatment for your depression first would be my advice. Then you can decide whether you want to work on your marriage.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 12:23:54

The OP is not committed to trying if they've asked twice for a separation. hmm The DH is saying - quite rightly IMHO - 'piss or get off the pot' by offering divorce or nothing and the OP doesn't seem to like either of those choices especially. Don't forget that he's not working with the same information. I suspect, if he knew the full story, the OP wouldn't have even that choice.

KouignAmann Sat 08-Mar-14 14:19:12

Have you considered Relate together? Then you will have to be brutally honest and work through everything that has affected your marriage starting with your unhappiness two years ago and leading up to today. If you can be honest and express remorse and genuinely want to work on things your DH might be prepared to work with you. But then again he might not.
And you don't need permission to separate. You just pack up and go if that is what you want.

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