Find a good man who adores you and marry him

[Gardenofsimple]

I read this advice somewhere, maybe here. I'm wondering how true it is?

I had a good man who adores me. I have never felt so sure of someone's love, physically, emotionally. The only problem is I don't feel the same way, not entirely. But I have never, ever, felt that way. This man makes me happy and I know will always work hard to make me happy. There is something missing and I know what it is, but I'm wondering if it's sensible to expect a partner to meet every intellectual and emotional need I have? In the past I have ranked things like ambition above kindness and integrity. I'm wondering if I've been hung up on looking for an impressive person and am missing out on good people.

[Flexiblefriend]

I'm not sure a partner needs to meet every need you have, mine certainly doesn't and we're very happily married. If it doesn't feel completely right to you though, then it isn't, and you shouldn't settle for that.

[Helltotheno]

but I'm wondering if it's sensible to expect a partner to meet every intellectual and emotional need I have

In answer to that question, no I don't think it's sensible to expect one person to fulfil absolutely every need one has. In that sense, I find marriage/coupledom restrictive and overall, people have expectations of each other that are just too high.

In saying that, if you each know that the other is not likely to meet every single expectation, it's much easier.

Re being adored, it's not all it's cracked up to be. If someone adored me in an unqualified sense, I'd probably end up despising them. Partnerships have to be reasonably equal imo, as in a little bit of give/take, push/pull. Anything one-sided doesn't work.

So... I guess what I'm trying to say if your relationship it too one-sided, it probably won't work really will it?

[Helltotheno]

is too one-sided

[Warbride]

No body is perfect. No one person is exactly the same. You hear of so many horror stories, failed relationships etc. good men are rare. Think carefully.

[BitOutOfPractice]

"There is something missing and I know what it is"

What is it?

[Gardenofsimple]

It's the one sided I'm worried about, it doesn't seem fair. But don't all relationships have someone who gives a little and someone who takes a little?

Warbride, those are my thoughts...

[Gardenofsimple]

Bit I think we have different levels of intellectual curiousity.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I think in most good relationships there's give and take on both sides. Sometimes one is the lover, the other is the lovee and it swaps. One is the supported, one the supporter, and then that swaps. But I think the vital thing is that it all evens out over time.

[BitOutOfPractice]

"different levels of intellectual curiousity"? Do you mean you're cleverer than him? Don't be shy if you are!

[fluffyraggies]

'Good' and 'adoring' sound like the 2 perfect ingredients for a partner, but that's not necessarily true.

What about passion - that spark? What about shared sense of humor? What about wanting/needing the same things out of life? What about compatibility when it comes to every day stuff - from choosing a sofa to what you like in bed? etc ...

Allot can go badly wrong even with a good and adoring partner. (i speak from experience)

[colditz]

My dog is good and adoring, I'm not marrying her.

[cheapskatemum]

I used to feel envious when listening to those requests from DHs for their DWs on Steve Wright's Sunday morning show, "She's the love of my life, words will never express how much she means to me...", because I can never imagine DH sending one in for me! But I got thinking & realised that is only one half of the story. The DW might have had to give up an awful lot of themself, for example, in order to qualify for the DH's unreserved approval.

[Gardenofsimple]

Bit it's not about being shy, it's about not wanting to be a snob/arrogant.

We've only been together a year and a half so perhaps it's too early to tell if the giver and givee roles will balance out.

We have passion, shared sense of humour, every day compatibility. But I never think he's blowing my mind or making me see the world in a new way. I expect I'd be more stereotypically middle class about raising DCs.

[Gardenofsimple]

Cheapskate I understand what you're saying but I don't feel I've given up anything of myself, to a degree which is probably quite selfish in a relationship.

[fairylightsintheloft]

nope, been there done that. Ended up with me leaving him for someone who loves me but will not put up with any shit, doesn't let me walk over all over him and actually will have a row when required instead of giving me sad puppy dog eyes. being put on a pedestal and unquestioningly adored is incredibly bad for you (well, me anyway). Turned me into a bit of a nightmare I think. Although I wrecked him when I left eventually, it was the right thing to do for both of us.

[usualsuspect33]

What is stereotypical MC?

[Retrofairy]

The thing is Garden you have to feel the same way. Him adoring you is not enough, of course it isn't it. Adoration is one small step from suffocation if it isn't reciprocated by you.

In my experience if you are spending time weighing up pros and cons its probably not going to be okay. When it's right you won't be analysing it.

[usualsuspect33]

If it's right you wouldn't give a toss about any of this.

[doughballs]

I'd say that DH is a good man who adores me (and I bloody well married him!). I don't think I've given up any of myself to qualify for his approval - he accepts me completely as I am. He is probably soppier about our relationship than I am (not sure if he'd ever make a radio show request for me though!) It works for us because I'm not interested in walking all over him and I treat him with respect regardless of how he feels about me. We do have an awful lot in common as well, same sense of humour and intellectual drive as well. He gives more of himself in some ways, while I give more of myself in other ways. It probably works out equal, but it's hard to say as we compromise in different areas.

[AnyFucker]

I don't think you respect this guy

Respect is all

[cheapskatemum]

Stereotypical MC = male chauvinist, I think? Doughballs, that all sounds good. Why do you think you are forever analysing it?

[NigellasGuest]

you are never going to find someone who ticks absolutely every box.

I know my OH adores me in every way. I don't mean adoration literally - but I'm sure the OP doesn't either. by adore I mean unconditional love, not being put on a pedestal. He does get cross with me at times and it's not all a garden of roses. But I do feel secure that he loves me to bits and would never leave me. He is intelligent which for me is essential. but there are other things lacking - however, that's life. I get other aspects of what I need from my friendships with other people. Thinking about it, I would not want my every need fulfilled by just one person.

[Gardenofsimple]

AF why do you think I don't respect him?

[Gardenofsimple]

MC = middle class.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I think there's a world of difference between making reasonable compromises (we all make them every day in 100s of different ways because it's not socially acceptable to have a toddler tantrum over every little thing as much as I'd like to) and "giving up a part of yourself".