Apologies in advance: my OPs are always long because I don't like to dripfeed.
I have a married friend of about ten years' standing. She has had problems on and off throughout her marriage, mainly because her DH appears to be a manchild who never takes responsibility for anything and is a bit of a Walter Mitty character. Periodically she will state that she's had enough and it's over, but they didn't ever split up. They have three young DCs.
My friend does have quite deep-rooted self-esteem problems due at least in part to her size. She has always been large, and put on a lot of weight during her pregnancies which has stayed on. Being factual, not judgemental, she is morbidly obese.
At the turn of the year she said she was filing for divorce. A couple of weeks later she started telling us about a new man, real smitten kitten stuff - he's perfect, he likes everything she likes etc. I said it was great to hear her so happy, but maybe be prepared to take it slowly under the circumstances, if he's the right man he'll understand waiting yadda yadda. She said they'd already had that conversation and he just wants to look after her and her children, he understands she might have trust issues after her DH but he isn't going to let that push him away. Now I might be being wildly overcautious but that waved if not a red, then at least a pink flag for me after such little time.
I asked where she'd met him and she told me she had registered on a dating website for larger women. Over the next couple of weeks it has become apparent from other things she has said that it isn't so much a dating site as a fetish site. This man has told her he can get her some modelling work and wants to introduce her to his photographer friend. I reiterated again the note of caution, trying very hard to couch it in "you're still coming out of a long relationship, just make sure you don't give more of yourself than you feel comfortable with at this early stage" terms rather than "this man is pressing all my weirdo buttons!" which is what I want to say. She said something else I found worrying, along the lines of "yes, he thought you and X [another friend] wouldn't understand."
I've just had another email from her and she's going to introduce him to her children this weekend. I don't think for one moment he's a child abuser or anything, but I'm worried that this is too soon for lots of reasons. But they're her children and it's her decision and I have to keep my sticky beak out, don't I?
I want to reply to her email asking if she thinks he would still be interested in her if she slimmed down to a size 10 but that feels cruel.
What can I do? Can I do anything? This feels like a car crash waiting to happen and I feel so helpless.
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Worried about my friend (and her children); not sure what, if anything, I can do
6 replies
SelectAUserName · 07/03/2014 09:50
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