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Think I may have married a proper loser. What would you do?

(47 Posts)
skybat Thu 06-Mar-14 22:56:27

This guy seemed really sweet to begin with but after we got married I found out he'd run up loads of debts behind my back. It wasn't the debts that bothered me, it was the lies that accompanied it. I cannot abide that. Anyways, because I loved him and believe that everyone is entitled to make mistakes, I forgave him and helped bail him out of the situation. He promised he wouldn't do it again and didn't but I kept an eye on him until I gradually gave back some trust and then all of it.

Five years on from that, he casually walks in the room last night, without a care in the world, and announces he's in trouble with money again. Luckily it's not too much but he also confessed he'd lost his job two months ago. Again, it's not the job loss, it's the pretending to go to work and being a straight faced liar that hurts me.

I don't believe he loves me, how can you love someone and then take the piss like that? It's disrespectful and carefree to the point of a teenage mind set. This guy is 40. He's also educated and intelligent, so it's not stupidity. Apparently, according to him, it was fear. I would have thought it would be more frightening to potentially lose your home, wife and family but what do I know. I say why did you say X and X if it wasn't true. You needn't have said anything at all. The answer - I don't know.

Fantastic.

I don't think I love him anymore, I just don't know, I can't tell, and maybe even past caring now. There's been a lot of other ups and downs. Is this worth bothering with anymore?
Should I just have a spring clean and chuck out all the shite?
Why has this happened, again?
Any insight to why he's done this would be good cuz I just don't get it. If it were me, I would just come home and say "I lost my job today. What we going to do?" Or something old fashioned like that so we could work it out together. What would you do about this? Do you know anyone like this?
I think he must be very very selfish and proud that he puts himself above everyone and everything. Am I right?
Thank you

AnyFucker Thu 06-Mar-14 22:57:21

What would I do ?

Unmarry him

Casmama Thu 06-Mar-14 23:01:53

This guy? Seems like a strange way to describe your husband- very detached. It sounds like emotionally you have left already and should probably do it physically - or better still get him to leave.

Gretagumbo Thu 06-Mar-14 23:05:37

Wow.........I think you are right, it would be the lies that would bother me most of all. Job losses are frequent these days so nobody would think badly of someone for that but lying would make me lose respect for someone. I'd have more respect for a non liar on minimum wage than a liar on big bucks.
You've lost respect for him, it'll lead to resentment.

scarletforya Thu 06-Mar-14 23:08:19

Yep. All you can do is get rid of him. Utter disrespect on his part to do this a second time. You helped bail him out before and he's so ungrateful and selfish he goes and does it again?

Cheeky, childish git.

Deffo get rid of him. He's going to pull you under.

BrennanHasAMangina Thu 06-Mar-14 23:09:43

There's only one thing for it. LTB.

I've never said that in a serious way before, btw. Sorry, OP flowers sad.

tribpot Thu 06-Mar-14 23:11:10

Any insight to why he's done this would be good cuz I just don't get it.

Partly because you bailed him out last time. He's feckless, irresponsible and immature and he knows that he can drop these problems in your lap and walk away, leaving you to deal with them.

Keeping up the lie of having a job for two months is a huge, calculated act of deception. He needs to go and learn how to live honestly, in my view, and to feel the full consequences of his recklessness with money.

Twinklestein Thu 06-Mar-14 23:14:47

Even if you do love him, he's still a loser.

innisglas Thu 06-Mar-14 23:19:34

Everyone has their defects, but I don't think I could cope with a liar myself. It shows cowardice as well as dishonesty

MoDiddly Thu 06-Mar-14 23:24:17

I also married a loser.

I divorced him and many years on I am married to a real winner wink

It would be the lies in your scenario that would spell the end of the relationship for me. But everyone has their own breaking point - only you know if this is yours.

Shoopshoop2 Thu 06-Mar-14 23:24:27

He's a dreamer,with his spoilt head in the sand. He won't change.

Mrswellyboot Thu 06-Mar-14 23:27:13

That's a long lie. Two months?? I couldn't stay with him. That's two whole months of lying about what he did at 'work'. Where has he been in the day?

It was funny in the film Full Monty, but not in real life FFS !!

skybat Thu 06-Mar-14 23:29:12

Thanks for the replies. Glad to know I'm not being over the top in ending it with "this guy". I referred to him that way as I feel I don't know him after all this carry on. It's like a stranger

deepest Thu 06-Mar-14 23:37:52

Why did he lose his job? How did he run up debt?...are they all linked

skybat Thu 06-Mar-14 23:52:33

He wasn't coping with doing the job and his studies so they dismissed him from his work to concentrate on his studies, apparently. so he says. He's been hanging about the library. Or somewhere.

Apparently it was fear and denial. He's only got in a couple of hundreds worth of debt this time. He confessed after two months as he said it was going the same way as before (well it would). last time it was thousands, just spending money willy nilly. This time he took a bit of money and got overdrawn to pretend he was earning it.

I just don't know anymore. he says he's sorry, loves me blah blah but I don't believe it. That just cant be right

wyrdyBird Thu 06-Mar-14 23:53:04

Serial or casual liars are very bad partner material, and often come with serious debt problems. Plus a lot else you might not know about. The trouble is that they do seem sweet, charming, etc - it's their speciality.

Why did he do it? ...because he's self serving and doesn't think in the normal, co-operative way that you do. Last time he got you to bail him out, and he thinks you'll do it again. Stay strong.

innisglas Fri 07-Mar-14 00:20:14

Mmm, I can't agree with wyrdy, I wouldn't see him as self-serving, I'd see him as afraid, with a fear that was instilled in him at a young age.

Jolleigh Fri 07-Mar-14 01:22:53

He's been going to the library all day every working day for 2 months? I'd be livid. More than livid. A few hundred quid of debt wouldn't even register on the radar because of how livid I'd be at 2 months of solid lies.

On top of the lies, it sounds like you've fallen out of love with him. Not much point in powering through with a man who you don't love and can no longer trust.

BillyBanter Fri 07-Mar-14 01:29:24

To turn what was said up thread on its head loving someone doesn't magically cure you of your issues.

The main point here is you don't love him and don't want to be with him any more so don't.

It probably is fear, rather than a wish to ruin your life. He's probably badly damaged by some or other old wallop from his past so he's still psychologically about 13.
But this is not your problem. You can't fix him. He's going to carry on like this forever, hiding and telling lies and getting into trouble all over again. All you can do is walk away, and there is nothing wrong with doing that.

Jingjangro Fri 07-Mar-14 03:20:09

If you let it happen a third time then you're a mug, sorry.

GarlicMarchHare Fri 07-Mar-14 03:27:46

What? He conned you for two whole months!

shock

Don't ask, get rid!

Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 05:42:19

I'd also attribute his behaviour to embarrassment/shame, denial and fear rather than something more malicious or sinister. I don't know what reaction he's had in the past (from you or others) when he's owned up to problems but clearly it hasn't been good. Being very charitable, that he told you about being a few hundred in debt before it turned into a few thousand could be regarded as personal growth.

None of that really matters, however, if all you feel for him now is contempt. It's very difficult to respect or trust someone who would rather stick their head in the sand and lie then face the music. I feel very sorry for you but I also find myself feeling rather sorry for him that he's going to lose everything simply because he didn't want to accept the truth.

tribpot Fri 07-Mar-14 06:53:16

so they dismissed him from his work to concentrate on his studies, apparently. so he says.

Really? They lost an employee and had all the hassle of re-recruiting, rather than just finding a solution to managing his work and studies? I simply don't believe that in the light of his other lies.

He's only got in a couple of hundreds worth of debt this time. He confessed after two months as he said it was going the same way as before

And the same way as before was, he got into debt, then he brought the problem to you to solve. How is this time going to be different? When is he getting another job to pay his debts?

Wuxiapian Fri 07-Mar-14 07:06:19

It'd make me wonder what else he's lied about...

Yes, he's a loser. Ditch him.

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