Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I know it is none of my business and I would never say it, but its upsetting me.

(51 Posts)
iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:31:09

I am fully aware that this is none of my business and so obviously I would never dream of saying this to anyone, so I have just come here to vent.

My brother and his wife separated in December (she found he had been facebook messaging some random woman, he has said that nothing ever physically happened and she has accepted that.

Initially she threw him out, but then had him back two weeks later.

Since this whole thing happened she has been referring to herself by her maiden name. He has also bought new furniture for the house, replaced pretty much everything (complete with her photographing all the new stuff and putting it on facebook with "look at all my new furniture, cant believe I have just spent almost 10k.......", they have been on two five star luxury weekends away, and he has also bought numerous other 'gifts'.

She is very immature and lives her life through Facebook, seriously. She believes she is 'making a point' by excluding him from every activity she posts about that they have been on and missing him from photographs etc etc.

Now, I get that he fucked up, he fucked up royally and so part of me thinks yes he deserves to be punished (or whatever the word is), but FFS I just want to scream at him to STOP THROWING MONEY AT THE PROBLEM, surely, by now, you need to decide if you are going to make it work (in which case you need to draw a line under it and the pettiness needs to stop), or you need to just draw a line under the whole thing and separate and try and move on with your life, but this atmosphere of prolonged childishness is not good for you or your 3 year old son, and to be perfectly honest I think all the spending is massively taking the piss.

Right, am ready to be told I am a cow now.

truelymadlysleepy Thu 06-Mar-14 16:53:04

They separated because he was messaging a random woman on FB? Maybe there's more going on than you know about.
We're all defensive of our families & it's fine for you to snipe on here. Much better than doing so in real life.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:54:07

I know truly I wish I had put my last post as my OP, I just cant get my point across very well.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:54:44

It seems to me like her shopping is a sticking plaster for their relationship - I feel quite sorry for her really. It won't address any issues in the long term will it.

I also wonder if more was going on than messages to someone else.

struggling100 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:55:05

Cog you make me laugh! 'Keeping the furniture industry buoyant' grin

OP, some people relate to the world through material possessions. We can look at them and wonder, but for those that are that way inclined, it's the only currency. If your SIL is that way, maybe this is the only means by which your brother can make up for what he did (which was pretty bad, btw).

Every couple is different.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:55:22

Well... Is there anything else SIL fancies in her house I wonder?
He can send me some messages and she can get a new car wink
And I'll post them on here and we can have a good laugh at the creep.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:55:43

Thats the point I was trying to make lavender throwing money at this problem is not going to make it go away.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Mar-14 16:56:10

Oh bless him, I bet he has low self esteem, what with only thinking he has money to give, and I bet it was that low self esteem that drove him to seek out validation from this woman...

Oh did I write that?

I meant to write:

He's a cheating arsehole.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:57:41

I didnt say that cabrinha I said I badly worded my OP and tried to explain it better. He is a cheating arsehole. I agree but maybe he should work on fixing being a cheating arsehole so that he can make his wife happier with something that means more than furniture.

noslimbody Thu 06-Mar-14 16:59:01

Well his money is her money anyway.....and yes, none of your business

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:59:37

Yep that's true OP ... they do need to talk as well as shop x

noslimbody Thu 06-Mar-14 17:00:01

I think she should ask for jewellery too

Jan45 Thu 06-Mar-14 17:00:32

He's a big boy, if he's always thrown money at problems he'll continue to do so, whether you tell him it's wrong or not.

I'd honestly keep out of it, you won't even know the full or even true story of what exactly went on.

noslimbody Thu 06-Mar-14 17:00:35

Online shopping, I's be all over it

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 17:00:58

Of course it won't make it go away but spending money is self-medication for her. Being cheated on is a very personal a visceral hurt. You're torn between wanting everything to go back to how it was and wanting the cheat to experience the same hurt. If she is financially dependent on your brother and has decided - as many do - that they don't want to start over, then she's lashing out with the only things at her disposal... credit cards, facebook, etc.

Yes she should probably draw a line under it and either kick him out or reconcile but life just doesn't run in straight lines when it comes to personal relationships. Stick around and read a few threads if you don't understand the dynamic.

MrsBennetsEldest Thu 06-Mar-14 17:01:46

MyGastIsFlabbered

Your disclaimer says it all.

OP, how old is he?

Cabrinha Thu 06-Mar-14 17:13:27

The thing is, your OP seemed equally judgemental of them both. Well - probably her moreso, but him too.

And I'm sorry I've been harsh - happy to admit, cheated on, bitter smile

But I think given the wrong he has done, you've gone a bit far in criticising her. So what if she's using her maiden name? I took my wedding ring off, long before I left my cheating arsehole. Because it disgusted me.

I didn't make my cheating arsehole husband spend any money, but I know if I had it wouldn't have been in a hold digging way... I'd have had a perverse pleasure in thinking, right, you arsehole, jump this hoop.

I know you are not the one who has done wrong here, it's him.

ChocolateIsYummy Thu 06-Mar-14 17:25:39

It is easy to get over involved in other peoples lives, I have been where you are now (with close friends) and I was getting really annoyed and then I looked at it and thought hang on it's their lives, let them get on with it! And take a really big step away! I'm sure you've enough to focus on in your own life? (I mean that nicely btw) honestly you are doing it to yourself smile

innisglas Thu 06-Mar-14 17:29:34

Mmm, sounds like your brother values himself on the basis of the money he has in the pocket.

My ex-, the father of my daughter, was like that for a while and the penny dropped for me when I found myself thinking "great, he is coming so I can get this and this out of him", which would have been the first and only time in my life that I have thought that about someone. Then I realised he had given up careers he liked for something tremendously boring just to get money and was going around showing off his spending power.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 17:42:11

Its ok cabrinha Im sorry I upset you. I dont mean to sound like Im judging her I just think she deserves someone who can give her all that (if thats what she wants), AND not be a prick.

Also, and I cannot state this enough I am not going to get involved or say or do anything. Thats why I came here. I know its absolutely none of my business, but for reasons I cant explain without massively outing myself, they are almost always here at the moment and I just needed somewhere to say this, somewhere anonymous.

lunar1 Thu 06-Mar-14 17:49:48

Maybe she did li

lunar1 Thu 06-Mar-14 17:52:11

Oops posted too soon.

Maybe she did love him for who he was, before he cheated. He is not that man anymore. Maybe she thinks she will make the most of his wallet before he finds a new ow to spend it on.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Mar-14 18:32:54

Better a shopping frenzy, than a bandaid baby <shrug>

'Thats the point I was trying to make lavender throwing money at this problem is not going to make it go away.'

Wealthy men who have affairs do this - try and buy affection back. It's a guilt thing, and also I suspect a way of trying to make themselves look like a generous person when in reality they are self centred and selfish.

Your SIL is not the one spending so cut her some slack. She'll get way more than some furniture if she divorces him.

AF 'bandaid baby' is a completely sick term. I hate it. A baby is a baby whatever anyone thinks of the timing of conception and shouldn't have to grow up with people whispering things like that about them.

CookieDoughKid Thu 06-Mar-14 22:30:05

I would have no problem him spending money on how wife and home excessively myself. I can't quite see the big deal given your brother is in for the long haul in the forgiveness stakes.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now