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Help, What do you call your cheating husband?

(67 Posts)
no5 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:02:42

I just found out. I feel numb and I dont feel sad or upset. I'm angry and I'm in shock, never in million years I will be writing this. I dont shout or use much swear words in RL, I can't think of what to call him. I can only think of cheating bustard, heartless, deceitful, two faced, dickhead, what else.... Is it normal? I thought I will be smashing all his gadgets, spraying his car with paint, and cutting his clothes into hundred peices. But I dont feel like that, I dont understand? Help me.... When he come home I want to shout and call hime names and what him know he hurt me so badly. And I want answer for my questions. I want to talk but the same time I dont want to talk to anyone in RL.

BeCool Thu 20-Mar-14 14:46:58

maybe no5.

Are you able to talk with him about how you feel?
Will he be transparent and acknowledge your feelings and that they are valid and do what he can to reassure you?
Do you trust him to be completely honest?

If the answer to any of the above is No, how do you see things progressing from here?

How is he proving he loves you?

no5 Wed 19-Mar-14 19:49:09

Well, I told him I will give him a chance to prove he loves me and want his life back, he can build it all back again. May be it was too soon? We had problem with OW, trying to contact by his real FB and Skype, even request on Linkedin. Part of me feel like is this all? I feel like he seems to want to move on fast and forget about everything he has done. May be he needs tattoo on his face to remind him every morning. I feel so miserable, and angry. I cant explain. Am i going to live rest of my life in misery?

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 13-Mar-14 18:04:31

no5 - I knew today would be especially hard for you flowers

You actually have achieved so much in a week and you haven't crumbled but it would be okay if you did. You need time.

My STBXH told me the night before our wedding anniversary that he wanted a divorce, we were in Egypt and all I wanted was my family, I had never felt so alone. So I guess what I'm saying is go see your Mum if you can.

I really don't think you will get your head straight until you have a break from him. I'm sorry, it sounds like he's minimising it all when your whole world has come crashing down.

Offred Thu 13-Mar-14 17:40:02

No5 I agree with becool you have to be really sure that he is committed to no contact with the OW, it is easy enough for him to set up another way of contacting her using instant messaging or another email account. If he's proven to be a liar and the no contact is driven by you rather than him can you be sure he isn't contacting her in another way?

BeCool Thu 13-Mar-14 11:13:29

you mean he hasn't voluntarily told her it's over, she must stop contacting him, he is committed to you and has no interest in her? Why not?

no5 Thu 13-Mar-14 09:03:45

Thank you, handfulofcottonbuds,The email of OW is now blocked, I had enough reading about the good times and the exciting adventure they had together. I don't know what to do. I asked my eldest if she will be happy to go see her grandma abroad, she said she will. May be I should just go see my mum, may be I need to talk about it to someone in real life. It's been week today, and I had enough of talking to husband. I asked the same questions and he given me the same answers over and over. I feel like I know enough, but I don't know if I believe the answers were true. I would like to trust him, but the constant try of contact from OW is upsetting me. Is it wrong to ask my husband email and tell her FXXX OFF and GO AWAY?

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 12-Mar-14 22:17:45

no5 - he can still block her email address if they are coming through a work email.

If he's staying there, he needs to show you that he is willing to do anything to make things right. That includes you asking as many questions as you need to and asking them again if you need to. He needs to understand that. It's different if you agree to give things another go and then years down the line you are still questioning him. For now - it's barely a week since you found out, you are entitled to ask questions.

Thank goodness the test results came back okay.

Do you know what you want to do yet? Give things another go?

dollius Wed 12-Mar-14 19:32:22

You need some head space.

You need to tell him to leave for a while so you can get your head around what you want.

The fact he wanted to end it with her face-to-face would be a total deal breaker for me. It shows he just doesn't get what he has done.

Who cares if she does try to "lure" him back. It only matters what his actions are from here on in. But it is far too soon for you to be deciding what you want to do. You need space.

no5 Wed 12-Mar-14 19:25:39

It's work email, hence not deleted. And he did email her once, told it's over and he has done most stupid thing, and he now realised he almost loose his most precious thing in life, children, wife and everything else. Asked not to keep in touch again. Email everyday so far, today we just had one. Hoping this will stop, it's very hard to move on. Husband insists he will not keep in touch and it's over. Oh the test results came and he is clean no STD, thank goodness. We talked a lot, we talked everyday. He said I asked the same question over and over a few times since last week. I guess I was cross examining him in case he gives me different answers. I sincerely believe he has been honest and transparent, he truly regret every mistake.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 11-Mar-14 22:04:26

beforeandafter talks a lot of sense, I admire her posts and am glad she is giving you support.

I'm afraid it's not down to you no5 to get rid of OW, your husband needs to show you that he is cutting her out of your lives. Has he done anything to show you that?

Why on earth does he still have the same email address for her to be able to contact him?!

He needs to send one email with you there, telling her not to contact him and then delete that account, change his mobile number - show you that he is serious about being sorry for what he has put you through.

no5 Tue 11-Mar-14 21:54:57

Thank you, Handfulofcottonbuds and Beforeandafter. I had rock bottom today, I just wanted run away. I wanted to just drive to nearest airport and fly out. Husband won't let me go, he cried and begged me for the sake of children. He rather tell them how he hurt mummy and move out himself. All started because OW keep emailing and asking to meet him and promising she can fix it. I was hurt, I felt like I was stopping their plans and future. Don't think I ever felt so low, little, worthless in my life. How do you get rid of these Other woman/creature?

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 09-Mar-14 22:44:47

Self respect is doing what you believe is best for you and your DCs and you are doing that.

Nobody can tell you that you have no self respect, from your posts, you have acted with dignity.

Take your time for it all to sink in.

mineofuselessinformation Sun 09-Mar-14 21:47:49

If you want to move forward as a couple and have lots of questions, he needs to give you lots of answers. There needs to be complete honesty in your relationship if it has any chance of surviving.
Good luck.

no5 Sun 09-Mar-14 21:37:03

Thank you, I'm open to any judgement. I don't think anything will hurt me now more than I hurt already. We talked a lot today, we went out with kids and while kids played we talked again. He did apologised and he cried and he knows he is shitty husband, he knows he has been weak, need confrontation. 3 emails came this morning from OW asking him not to leave and want him back. No reply sent, decided to leave at it. He might have phone calls tomorrow or at some point. If I want him back how do you move on? I'm not trying to brush everything under the carpet, I have been asking lots questions and trying to get answers. IF we move on from here together then I want to leave everything behind in the past. Anyone here ever took the husband back? I still think I have feelings for him and care for him. Am I being the stupidest wife? Am I making rushed decision? Is self respect kicking him out and then make desicion?

BeCool Sat 08-Mar-14 23:24:46

"Agreed to end it with OW asap"

Good grief. He's telling you he will do what he wants when he wants, and if he wants to get his ducks in line he'll take all the time he wants to do so.

BeforeAndAfter Sat 08-Mar-14 22:19:35

No5 has plenty of self-respect from where I'm standing. She wants to buy time to make her decision on her terms and not be bounced into doing something so that she looks tough. She's not taking the soft option right now.

BeforeAndAfter Sat 08-Mar-14 22:15:24

No5 - you have been so strong thus far and I know how difficult it is.

I cannot emphasise enough that your DH must not see OW to break off the relationship. I let my ex do that. He went to see OW to end things and came back two hours later than the agreed deadline and then sat outside in the car on the phone to her for another hour as she talked him round.

I think that every time they see the OW it refreshes their feelings and they remember the good times with OW and it damages the marriage a bit more.

Stay strong and stick to your guns about him not seeing OW.

memyselfandl Sat 08-Mar-14 22:10:53

He is not some prize to be won. I think he is hoping that is he sees the OW face to face she might just offer to have him full time. He just doesn't seem to be begging forgiveness and trying to make his marriage work-he has more consideration of the OW's feeling than your.
Now is the time for you to call the shots. Make his leave--if he goes to her it will just prove that you are well shot of the twat.
It is when he sees what he is throwing away and that you are taking control back then his true feelings and intentions will be clear.
Get your self respect back now

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 08-Mar-14 22:06:02

Jean, I think you're being a little harsh. The OP only found out 2 days ago, she has so far managed to see a solicitor and get some advice - this is far quicker than most of us who have been in her situation did so soon. From what I have read, the OP has lots of self-respect and is constantly thinking of her DCs in all this. When I was going through this, especially in the early days, I appreciated the support and not once was I told to get some self-respect, which quite frankly would have tipped me over the edge.

No5 - yes, I'm afraid this is the start but you have done so well in a short space of time. If your husband is truly sorry then you're right, he needs to end it with the OW over email or text then block all contact. After all, he didn't have the respect for you and your DCs while he was with her so why is he showing her the respect by meeting her to say it's over?

Do what you need to do and in your own time. You will go through a mountain of different emotions. You will know what the right thing to do is when the time is right for you.

I do think he needs to move out and give you some space though to deal with what you have just found out.

JeanSeberg Sat 08-Mar-14 21:56:25

You have to get angry, get some self-respect and get him out. Seriously.

End it ASAP?

Fuck that.

no5 Sat 08-Mar-14 20:34:57

I'm in UK. But I haven't called CAB or CSA yet. Thank you for information, but I dont know what I need to tell them. He's been and done STD test on everything including HIV. Results will be ready end of next week. The solicitor was good, asked a lot about of divorce procedure/financial assets. As long as we own the house and got money in the bank and not having any debts and loan, seems straight forward. We talked a lot last 2 days, he does not want divorce, and agreed to end it with OW asap. Then this evening we argued because he insisted to end it face to face. I got angry shouted at him told him if he wants to end then he had to end by email and never see her again. I was mad at him having to have that care for OW. He should be worrying about what I feel and what is best for us. I still not told him what my decision is because I don't have one. I might have him, I might leave him. For the time being we are playing happy family. We still share bed, just for the sake of children because they come to our bed in the early hours of morning. What bothering me is the arguement we had this evening. I think he was hesitant because he wanted to do what he planned, not what I wanted angry Not because he wanted to keep the break secret private from me. Anyway, his other email, FB, Skype accounts deleted and email sent from his main account. Does other OW care, will she try to lure my husband back? Should I brace myself for arguements? Guess this not end, this is just start?

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 07-Mar-14 17:49:38

no5 - you say you're not British and English isn't your first language, are you in the UK?

If you're in another country then the CSA and CAB won't make much sense to you, if you're in another country then maybe some MNers can advise you.

From your posts and the calm approach you have taken, you sound like an amazing Mum, putting your children first in this. I'm just so sorry that he couldn't do the same.

Bogeyface Fri 07-Mar-14 14:01:30

If you dont want him to leave then dont ask him to. No one can tell you what is right for you.

Do you want a divorce or do you want to try and work through this?

Smilesandpiles Fri 07-Mar-14 10:46:26

A - the kids wont like it but they will get used to it. Don't give them the option. You have to kick him out or you will make yourself miserable which is a damn sight worse for your kids, than a short shock of him moving out.

Think ripping off a plaster when it comes to talking to the kids.

They will forgive you, they just need to get used to the idea that's all.

You are not being weak, just scared and grieving for a future you thought you would all have.

Being a lone parent isn't as bad as you think. It can be tough but it mostly isn't. The first year is the worse, after that it gets a lot easier a lot quicker.

JeanSeberg Fri 07-Mar-14 10:43:56

Make it his job to tell them but make sure you are there so he doesn't give them any bullshit about "Mummy made me leave". How old are the children?

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