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My Bil is an absolute fucker

(28 Posts)
CuriosityCola Tue 04-Mar-14 08:31:04

He told my sister, after being odd for a few weeks, that their marriage was over last night. He had changed as a person. He wanted to be single. He has met someone he wanted to cheat with, but didn't.

She is heart broken. He said there was no discussing it. Then this morning he has text her saying he made a mistake and he doesn't want to end things.

Who the fuck does that to someone. She thinks he has met someone else.

I have seen good advice on here for similar situations, but can't find the old threads. Is there anything practically that she should do to protect herself? I have made her change the passwords on all her accounts.

I'm largely stepping back as it isn't my marriage, but is there anything I should be doing?

lisac99 Tue 04-Mar-14 08:37:37

Just be there for her and TRY really hard not to slag him off.

My sisters husband is a complete selfish wanker. He's awful with money and in the last 4 months (after taking 7 years to clear his poor credit rating after being stupid with money) took out a credit card without her knowledge, maxed it out, then took out a loan to cover the credit card.. then just spent the loan.

Added to that, he was having an emotional affair with a woman from work.

Added to that, he used the paternity vouchers his work had given him on himself.

And he doesn't do anything round the house.

My sister kicked him out and lasted 4 days before she took him back sad

I was there (and so were my other siblings) to give her loads of support with her daughter - we stayed with her, let her talk and all of us agreed we wouldn't say anything negative about him at all in case she took him back.

As she has taken him back, if we had said 'He's an idiot, if you take him back you're a moron', the worry was that she'd feel less inclined to come to us the NEXT TIME he does something stupid, which I am sure is only a matter of time - if your sister feels you judge her, she may not open up as much.

Don't get me wrong, I really, really wish she had thrown him out, divorced him and met someone who actually respected her and wasn't a complete and utter idiot - but she's got to make that decision in her own time.

I kept asking my sister 'How are you feeling?' and 'What's the best outcome you'd like? Do you think that's feasible?' and trying to stay as neutral as possible.

I agree with you - I think he's met someone else as well - perhaps the OW has decided she doesn't want your sisters Husband so he's 'decided to stay?'

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 08:41:10

I'm sorry he turned out to be such a cliché. 'Met someone he wanted to cheat with but didn't' will probably turn out to be 'met someone and cheated'.

If there were no warning signs she'll be mostly in shock at the moment and in need of various shoulders to cry on. Practical help like making sure she eats and sleeps might be useful. As regards protecting herself, that's probably the last thing on her mind. However, money is important and she doesn't need to add financial problems on top of the emotional ones. Depressingly common for exes to raid the joint account on departure so she should make sure he can't do that. If he's intending to leave the family home, they'll need to work out something about paying bills. I don't know if she has her own income or bank accounts.

Longer-term, and when she's ready, she'll need legal advice

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Tue 04-Mar-14 08:45:18

I'm guessing the woman he wanted to disappear off into the sunset with decided to not bother at the last minute so he thought he'd just pick your sister up where he dropped her, yeah? And she'd be so grateful that she'd welcome him with open arms?

I agree, shoulder to lean on, practical advice and protecting herself legally and financially.

CuriosityCola Tue 04-Mar-14 08:50:43

I think the ow has ditched him. I think hindsight is making her question his attachment to his phone and his abnormal hours at work. hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 08:57:57

Ideally, she should send him away to cool his heels for a bit but that's not something you can do anything about.

Upnotdown Tue 04-Mar-14 09:08:47

We've had the exact same situation going on here (DPs DB) since October.

He's been back and forth and this is now the 3rd time she's let him come back. The worst part is, we know he's about to leave again. The OW does want him - she sent a big begging email which SIL saw. He just can't make his mind up. Awww. It's so difficult not to say bad things BUT I'e been gently suggesting that she can't fix it on her own and if she doesn't ask questions he won't just tell her and therefore is doing what he likes (keeps going missing, long walks etc).

Waste of space but experience says that whatever happens, if he wants to be there, she'll let him be there. That makes me feel sick but it's not my life.

CuriosityCola Tue 04-Mar-14 12:09:23

Thanks for all the advice and sorry to hear so many are in a similar position. They are having big talks today. I have just text saying I am here if she needs anything.

I'm concerned part of her worry is what everyone is going to think. She doesn't want to be divorced at a young age and rightly takes her marriage vows seriously. Shame he hasn't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 13:44:01

Maybe it's worth telling your sister that, whatever happens and whatever she decides, you'll be supportive? If she sees divorce as something embarrassing or indicative of failure rather than (what it often is) a sad necessity then that's something you and the rest of the family can also reassure her about. Not right now perhaps, but as a more general thing.

CuriosityCola Tue 04-Mar-14 16:52:28

They have had a chat that started with him wanting her back. Then moved to him being worried that he wasn't making her happy etc. I'm actually quite proud as she has seen it for what it is. He was obviously having a panic about the break up. He has said that he doesn't want to loose his best friend.

I never really thought people were so text book in real life. confused

ageofgrandillusion Tue 04-Mar-14 22:21:12

Just be there for her and TRY really hard not to slag him off.
Bollocks to that. If you think he has acted like a twat, tell her so. She is probably thinking the same if she has half a brain so you not saying anything will probably make her question her judgement. Just tell her straight, she deserves an honest perspective. If they get back together, so be it.
I never understand these people who say dont take sides in situations like this. Sometimes, somebody is behaving out of order and it needs pointing out - end of.

fairylightsintheloft Tue 04-Mar-14 22:43:45

actually I disagree that you should take sides. When exDH and I split up (I left him) all we did for months on end was TALK about it with concerned friends who all had an opinion and I swear we may well have stood more of a chance of getting it back together if people had allowed us some space. It got to the point where when I was trying to work out what to do I was focusing more on what our friends and family would say than how I actually felt. There is a fine line between being there for someone, supporting them and listening / vs offering very definite "advice" that someone may feel pressured into taking for fear of somehow offending YOU.

CuriosityCola Wed 05-Mar-14 03:47:29

He has decided he has made a massive mistake. She is now thinking if he is wanting to fix things that she owes it to her marriage. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to watch. Especially as her anger over suspected ow seems to have disappeared.

I think I am too in shock to take sides and influence things strongly. Though I did say he was behaving in a very cold hearted manner. Up until his recent declaration of undying love and fear of a future without her. sad

Wrapdress Wed 05-Mar-14 04:02:30

I think separations can be a process and not a singular event.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 05-Mar-14 07:45:23

I agree wrap dress. This is probably the beginning of the end chapter.

CuriosityCola Wed 05-Mar-14 11:45:43

You are probably right. Even if she takes him back, I know she won't be able to ever trust him again.

EverythingCounts Wed 05-Mar-14 11:49:48

Yep, bet you are right that his fling ditched him so he scrambled to back-pedal. Do they have kids?

One thing I would keep saying to her is not to rush into any decisions one way or another. So don't just agree with him that it can all be worked out, but she shouldn't feel she has to immediately declare she will never want anything to do with him again. Get her to realise she has a right to think it over for as long as she likes.

CuriosityCola Wed 05-Mar-14 12:10:51

No kids and no mortgage yet, thank fully.

That's really good advice about taking her time. He has asked to have another talk to try and right things. There has only been a limited amount of text messages from him. He is still at work. I kind of thought if he wanted to keep her there would have been some grand gesture or even lots of calls and messages. Not sure if he is respecting her right to have some time or just doesn't care enough.

CuriosityCola Wed 05-Mar-14 20:25:55

Oh crap, I think she is going to take him back. He is deeply apologetic and has finally opened up to her about his feelings. confusedHe is basically following the cheaters script from here.

How do you continue with these type of people in your life? We were all super close before.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Thu 06-Mar-14 14:28:38

she owes it to the marriage?

he owed it to the marriage to not dive ball deep into some other woman.

bloody arsehole.

tbh, all you can do is tell her that you love her and will support her whatever decision she makes, but that you want her to make sure that she makes the choice that is right for HER. Because she owes him nothing.

CuriosityCola Fri 07-Mar-14 18:11:44

Another tough day of listening to phrases like, 'I don't want to throw our marriage away'.

The only thing I asked was how he explained the contact he had been having with suspected ow. It hasn't been discussed?! Then she said she just couldn't understand what had made him behave this way. <bangs head against brick wall>.

I'm trying to detach, but it is really difficult.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 18:30:12

I'd be worried I'd find myself sat next to him at some family shindig, have a glass of wine too many and tell him what a pathetic shit I thought he was to his face. Your sister's going to be miserable for years.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 07-Mar-14 18:54:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott Fri 07-Mar-14 19:06:56

Hmm, it could well be you can believe what he said to start with, he'd met someone else, fallen for them, not physically cheated, but emotionally had done, convinced himself this ow was the real one for him but as he's such a great guy, he'd end his marriage first.

Then the ow finally being told about all this made it clear she wasn't actually interested and really did just want to be friends.. (I know a woman who ended up in this situation, a married man left everything for her, didn't think to check she wasn't just holding back because he was married, but genuinely wasn't interested)

Op, if I was you, I'd tell your sister if she's determined to have him back, there's no rush, and at the moment, everything has been his decision, he decided to leave, so their marriage was over, then he decided to come back, and now it's back on. Even if she does decide to make a go of it, there's a lot to be said for making him realise it's not all his choice, so he doesn't come back into the house until she's had time to think (sell it to her as putting him on the back foot and not making it too easy for him to come back), and they need marriage counselling as he doesn't come back until she's convinced this won't happen again, and how can she be certain it won't if she doesn't know why it happened?

MaryWestmacott Fri 07-Mar-14 19:11:40

Btw, while not telling this to her, encouraging your sister to live without him while she gets her head round this isn't to punish him, but to give her the strength to see she can live without him. But if she doesn't think she needs that, presenting it as almost a way to punish him/get him on the back foot while making him think she might not take him back, might appeal to her.

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