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To throw dh out?

(75 Posts)
milkysmum Sun 02-Mar-14 14:40:42

Some of you may remember a thread I started last week about dh's cannabis use. Against my better judgement the rescuer is me agreed to give him another chance, a trial to see if things would improve so to say.
Well this Friday gone I returned home after a couple of days away with work. dh had been with ds 2 and dd 5. we went and had a couple of drinks at the local pub. I came back with dc's and dh returned half an hour later.

There had been some gravy on the sude that he must have made earlier that I was going to use on my own tea as I hadnt eaten. I casually asked dh if there was any gravy granules left as it was a bit thin. he flew into a rage saying it wasnt thin, how fucking dare I accuse him of thishmm, called me a fucking dickhead repeatedly whilst df 5 was in the room listening and then began punching the wall next to my head because " I wasnt listening and should be sorry for accusing him of messing up gravy! I told him I would call the police if ge carried on and at this point he pissed off back out.
I told him the next day this was beyond my limits especially given dd haf witnessed his out burst and he had to leave. he said he was ashamed of himself but agreed to go.
well for the 2nd day now he had got up and gone round to his mates to play on the playstation! I am furious. I have rung him to ask why he isnit trying to sort out somewhere to stay and he hung up on me.
I have just bagged all his clothes up in big bags and left them in his car which is unlocked. I am pretty certain he will now go on self destruct mode and I am desperately trying to rain in the rescuer in me- I am doing the right thibg aren't I? dh for the most of the time is a fantastic dad and dd particularly is going to be devastated.

bodybooboo Sun 02-Mar-14 14:45:17

turn the rescuer radar into protecting your kids and yourself from this man.

sorry but I wouldn't want a violent abusive drug user around my children.

AgentZigzag Sun 02-Mar-14 14:47:22

You should have called the police not just threatened it.

Get away from this man, he's a violent bully.

You don't need us to tell you that.

He's not a fantastic dad damaging his 5 YO like that, and it will damage a young child seeing those things, he should feel safe and secure not frightened and confused.

GreatGardenstuff Sun 02-Mar-14 14:48:43

You can't have someone in your house that can behave like that to you, and in front if your DC. Don't feel you have to save him, he can only do that for himself. You are doing the right thing making him leave, and the rest is up to him.

I 'm sorry you're in this situation, be strong and take care of yourself and your DC.

milkysmum Sun 02-Mar-14 14:48:47

Yes I know my children need to be my priority now. He has never hit me though andno aggression to children just to be clear. Im not sure if I am legally allowed to throw him out though? Joint mortgage. Should I be giving him time to sort somewhere to stay rather put his stuff out in bin bags?

WorraLiberty Sun 02-Mar-14 14:49:01

You need to protect your kids from this 'fantastic Dad'.

However, I'm not sure where you'd stand legally if he decides he doesn't want to move out...especially since you didn't call the Police.

nennypops Sun 02-Mar-14 14:49:12

Well done for chucking his things out. Do you need to get the locks changed? You might need to think about going to a solicitor for a court order.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sun 02-Mar-14 14:49:46

No child should have to witness that behaviour

That coupled with drug use would have me running for the hills

WorraLiberty Sun 02-Mar-14 14:50:02

Ahh joint mortgage?

That puts you both in a difficult situation.

Can he afford to pay rent somewhere else and still continue to pay his half of the mortgage?

nennypops Sun 02-Mar-14 14:51:27

As I understand it, you're entitled to get an injunction to keep him away because of his violence, and it doesn't matter that there's a joint mortgage. I think the conduct you describe would count as domestic violence, because really punching the wall next to your head whilst shouting aggressively at you must be terrifying for both you and dc.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 02-Mar-14 14:52:19

Your dd should not be witnessing this type of behaviour, he is not a fantastic Dad. Being nice occasionally does not outweigh the shit. Your kids need protecting.

bodybooboo Sun 02-Mar-14 14:53:09

get yourself down to the local citizens advice centre.

YouTheCat Sun 02-Mar-14 14:53:34

Call 101 and ask for advice.

AgentZigzag Sun 02-Mar-14 14:54:05

Have you tried posting in relationships? They're very clued up on the process of chucking people out.

It doesn't matter whether he technically hasn't hit you, it's the explosive unpredictable violent atmosphere that can have serious long term effects when you're exposed to it as a child.

You don't want your DC thinking that's how they should deal with their anger, he's out of control.

milkysmum Sun 02-Mar-14 14:54:10

No he wouldn't be able to afford both. He is a self employed brick layer so earns little in bad weather etc...
In the past he had ridiculously said he would live in the woodshmm hmm . He is a keen wild camper and we live next to a large woodland!

BrownSauceSandwich Sun 02-Mar-14 14:55:42

Please tell me you're not really in any doubt? You were a cat's whisker from being assaulted. If not now, then when are you going to call it a day? Will you actually wait till he's punched you in front of your kids?

Tell him to send somebody else to collect his shit. Put the chain on the door until you can get the locks changed. Make sure you tell somebody in your family, or a trusted friend, what's happened... Just in case.

AgentZigzag Sun 02-Mar-14 14:57:35

Fucking hell, let him go off and play Bear Grylls in the wood (although I suspect he's just trying to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him) so long as he's not anywhere near you/DC.

milkysmum Sun 02-Mar-14 14:59:18

agentzigzag- he is very good at getting me to feel sorry for him yes!

AgentZigzag Sun 02-Mar-14 15:04:38

Save your sympathy for you/your DC, give him indifference.

"He has never hit me though and no aggression to children just to be clear."
He has never hit you - YET. "punching the wall next to my head" - what can that be but intimidation, an unspoken 'this could be your head'? ANd if you don't put a stop to it now, it may well BE your head next time. Because there would be a next time, wouldn't there?

petalsandstars Sun 02-Mar-14 15:18:21

Report it to police and if necessary you should be able to get a non molestation order (?) To keep him out of the house. And get yourself to a solicitors.

You should log the incident with the police.

They don't have to charge him but please log it and get an incident report number. Then you log everything else with them.

Your dc and you are victims of an abusive drug user. There's no dressing it up. He is certainly not a fantastic dad or husband. If he was, would he behave this way in front of his children? To his wife?

Let him sleep in the woods if he wants to.

Can you afford the mortgage repayments alone?

Get to CAB or a solicitor first thing tomorrow.

milkysmum Sun 02-Mar-14 15:29:49

Yes I think I can just about manage on my wage. What on earth do I tell dd? She adores himsad

AllThatGlistens Sun 02-Mar-14 15:33:11

Your DD is witnessing her father be verbally abusive to her mother and punching walls. That is what she is seeing.

You tell her that he did a bad thing and he won't be living with you anymore because his actions were wrong, and how much you love her.

Protect your children, not him.

You tell her that daddy needs to be away for a while to do some grown up stuff but that he will still be able to come over and see her.

Then you tell him to sort his shit out and that he won't be getting unsupervised access until he does.

Tell the police and your solicitor that he is an aggressive, bullying addict and that you won't feel that your dc are safe with him alone until he's had rehab and counselling for his anger.

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