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How to get through splitting up from cheating "D"H

(48 Posts)
barking123 Fri 28-Feb-14 10:32:02

Have finally split up from cheating DH. His behaviour during the marriage was far from great and then the discovery of a long term affair has been the final straw. It is definitely final and am feeling incredibly upset and angry about it all. Emotionally I am a complete wreck.

I don’t want DH back anymore but just very sad as the dreams of a happy family and the future that we had planned are over. Am really worried of how I will cope with the loneliness of being a single parent. Been really teary and for various reasons I don’t have much support in RL at the moment. I literally gave up everything for DH so everything has to be rebuilt from scratch. I do have a lovely DC though.

There has got to be a better way than just sitting around in tears. Realise I should probably be doing stuff to take my mind off it. I have so many errands / paperwork to do I just feel that I should be doing that can’t bring myself to do it. Am so tempted to email the OW and to give her a blasting. He even took DC on some of their dates.

It is still early days so hopefully the upset and tears will subside. Any advice or hand-holding would be much appreciated.

fruityloopy Thu 13-Mar-14 14:32:07

Good to hear you are managing on a practical level and you are getting some support from family. I know exactly what you mean about the time to yourself never seeming long enough!

I'm not entirely sure how long he was seeing the bitch OW, but it wasn't the first time he'd cheated. I would not be trusted to be anywhere near her ever. I have learnt to try not to even think about them.. it's not easy at all but, I just can't waste energy on it. I have huge panic attacks that he'll go off and have another child. I know our DD has met her, again, I've had to just try and be neutral and not ask questions, she referred to 'Daddy's friend' again, it made me feel sick, but I'm also aware I can't really enforce her not to see her. I think they just went to a cafe. DD certainly can't be over enamoured as she barely mentioned her or it. I worry obviously that he's told her not to say anything - but have warned him against ever, ever telling her not to tell me something. I'm not sure if at 3 she gets it. How old are your children ? Sorry, may have asked before but can't recall.

wholestocks, thoughts are with you, interesting you choose to not share until you were ready.. I'm kind of doing that and just dealing with things slowly and in my own way. I also hear you about the trust issues - I have been seeing someone new and we had a tiny wobble the other day and I realised how absolutely panic stricken I felt by the fact he wasn't telling me the truth. Luckily I've been very upfront, but it frightened me non the less how it exhausted me to have to think positive thoughts and not panic.

Well it's certainly feeling more spring like and warmer where I am - I do hope that's making everyone feel more positive.

barking123 Wed 12-Mar-14 09:01:18

Glad to know BeforeAndAfter that its not just me. Not sure if they are currently together or not. If not, i have absolutely no doubt that it will in time be rekindled and wouldn't be remotely surprised if they married (ex is clearly still in love with her).

I have wondered what would happen when it comes to things like graduations. I have thought if she is on the scene when it is birthday time, we will just have to have separate birthday parties! however, other things such as graduations that's obviously not possible and I don't know what I would do. So glad your DDs are so understanding. You have obviously bought them up to be lovely and considerate smile (unlike our ex's).

I know its probably some time away, but its hard not to think about it when I feel she is just waiting in the wings for him.

BeforeAndAfter Wed 12-Mar-14 08:38:28

I still can't bear the thought of being in the same room as OW (now the ex's wife).

I couldn't bring myself to go to DSD's graduation ceremony because I'm sure that when I see OW I will cause a scene and won't risk ruining an event. I'm very close to the girls and we talked it through and they agreed with me.

Thank god neither of them look set to marry any time soon!

barking123 Wed 12-Mar-14 00:46:18

managing ok on a practical level. fortunately my family have been a massive help. Ex sometimes has DC at the weekend too. Yes am finding it very mportant to have time to myself, but it never seems enough does it? There are so many emotions to process and things seem to be happening so fast.

Sorry to hear fruityloopy that you can't bear to be in a room with him. i would be ok in a room with him but not OW. I am so praying that they don't get back together / stay together. I don't want her anywhere near DC and would freak if that happened. I could accept a new girlfriend of my ex's (assuming of course she wasn't completely horrible) but i could never, ever accept the OW.

Is your ex still with the OW fruityloopy? And how long was the affair for?

Tbh, its been a shit day. But i have been having some good days and some bad days and feel confident that in the next week i will have some good days. That is a massive improvement on a few weeks ago.

I hope all you ladies are doing ok. its so sad that there are so many of us, but nice at the same time that we can lean on each other for support.

thanks for us all.

whostolethesocks Tue 11-Mar-14 18:51:21

I'm going to be 50 this year. Found out about exH's affair three years ago (but there'd been other stuff before). Been through the roller coaster of emotions, lost a load of weight (back on now :-(), had the shaking, sickness feelings. All very normal. Each day is awful. Some days you feel like doing nothing at all. If possible try and focus on your children. I didn't share in RL until it was actually final. Then I felt much stronger and started being practical and sorting out divorce issues, etc. Now with new partner who is totally different and made a new start but what's happened has left me with huge trust issues unfortunately :-(

fruityloopy Tue 11-Mar-14 16:00:32

Hopefully you enjoyed a sunny weekend (I always find that does wonders for my spirits) It's so, so tough in the first few days, weeks and months..

I still can barely be in a room with my ex and it's now been 6 months. I loathe and hate what he subjected me to and how he thinks suddenly all the hurt and anger goes away.

How are you managing on a practical basis - I do find that a struggle. Is your ex having the children for you and enabling you to have some time to yourself ? I know that's very important too.

BeforeAndAfter Fri 07-Mar-14 11:24:13

It's great that you're having good days. Slowly but surely you will find that the good days just start to merge as the bad days become few and far between. It does happen in fits and starts so don't panic if you're in a lull - just ride it and know you will emerge and have a good day.

It was good to hear from you and that you're doing well. x

Glad to get your update.
You're already having some good days so that's brilliant.
I hope your family and friends are keeping you going.
Keep going - it will get better and better.

barking123 Fri 07-Mar-14 11:04:28

Thank you all for the posts and thanks fruityloopy for checking in on me smile I'm very touched!

I've been amazed this week how up and down I have been. I seem to have good days and bad days, but at least there are some good days so feel that is an improvement.

I frequently go back to this thread and re-read it as its been really helpful to me and all the kind words have been incredibly uplifting for me.

Its amazing though how many of us find ourselves in this situation. I'm so sorry that we all have to go through this. I hope that we all come out of it happier the other side. thanks for you all.

struggling100 Tue 04-Mar-14 11:43:03

thanks thanks thanks for all the women on this thread who have been lied to by their men.

Just my tuppence worth on the 'writing to the OW' thing: I don't think this is a good idea, but this is very much a personal perspective. I think it tends to conceive of the affair in quite traditional terms ('the temptress' seducing the 'good guy') rather than putting the blame squarely where it belongs: with the cheating bastard who couldn't keep his penis in his pants. I think it might make it seem as if it's a competition for male attention between two women (the OW who has 'got away' with it, the 'bereaved' DW) rather than it being a case of a woman discovering that her man really isn't worth her time and trouble, and kicking him into the gutter where he belongs.

fruityloopy Tue 04-Mar-14 11:27:34

Just popped back on this thread to see how you were feeling barking.. that's brilliant you mustered up the 'energy' to go out for a drink - I hope you enjoyed it!

How are things going this week ?

Sorry to read that there's other's out there that have been shat upon so hurtfully.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sun 02-Mar-14 06:38:19

Hi Barking, another who is in your situation here. I'm nearly 6 months and in quite a complicated situation which isn't allowing me to move on but I'll get there. Maybe we should all get together sometime girlies?

SadFreak Sun 02-Mar-14 01:22:27

Hi Barking. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am 6 weeks on from finding out my husband has been on a shagging mission of epic proportions.
I am finding it very difficult to open up about it in real life and gave so far only told my best friend sho lives over an hour away and some very brief details to a friend at college.
I have been up and down and sometimes very angry. I am finding I have very little capacity to deal with other shit especially if it involves any patience. Today I have felt mostly fine but Thursday was absolutely awful.It was si bad I think it may have been my lowest point. I actually could not stop crying. I drove to a local beach to get dome fresh sir but when I got there just sat in my car and bawled and bawled. I lost 4 hours doing that.
I try to think that in x weeks it won't hurt so much and try not to think too far ahead taking each day as it comes.
Like others have mentioned we all lived happily enough before these men came into our lives so we will surely live happily without them again too but first we need to grieve for what we thought we had and the plans we had that will now change (hopefully for better stuff).

3mum Sun 02-Mar-14 00:50:29

Good for you Barking! Just remember it is normal to feel up and down for a while but over time the ups get longer and the downs get shorter until one day you realise that you are happy on your own and you can't believe you ever cared about your ex.

I bet you also start to remember a whole load of really unattractive characteristics and behaviours of his too. Write them down when you do. It's good to reinforce that he is so not worth your time and attention.

barking123 Sat 01-Mar-14 16:27:43

Have surprised myself by feeling quite a bit better today and amazingly there have been no tears. I think I'm angrier though today but I can cope with the anger its just the sadness which I struggle with.

I've bought a notebook as per someone's suggestion and this week I will look into getting some counseling so that I can have a good rant about "D"H.

Thanks so much for thinking of me. Its nice to know that there are people there to hold my hand smile

BeforeAndAfter Sat 01-Mar-14 15:16:05

I hope you're doing OK today - am thinking of you x

Onmyownwith4kids Sat 01-Mar-14 08:17:32

Hope you're ok today and enjoyed the drinks. It will get better. If you're anything like me you'll start looking back at your marriage and realising there were other selfish traits on his part before the affair. I get real lows but have started to feel happy and excited about the future. I'm a similar age to you and worry the dating pool has diminished but we've potentially got a good forty years ahead. It's time to upgrade!

barking123 Fri 28-Feb-14 20:46:51

thanks 3mum. nice to know that lots of you seem to have got through it and come and happier the other side.

3mum Fri 28-Feb-14 18:54:00

I'm sorry you are going through this Barking. I know from experience how crap this time is. My exH also cheated in a long term relationship with OW.

Two years down the line I can honestly say I am very happy with me and the children. I was devastated to start with, but time really does heal. I was determined that if everything was going to change, it would be for the better so I looked at absolutely everything in my life and made some changes. The life I have now is far more suited to me than the life I had when I was married. Once you feel up to it maybe start thinking about what you actually want from life now you are rid of the cheating loser who ground you down.

I second those who say you need someone to talk to in real life as well as on MN (though the Relationships Mumsnetters who have been through/are going through breakups are a great and supportive lot and please do keep posting). If you don't feel able to talk to friends or relatives then I would really recommend a counsellor if you can afford it. Just having someone to download all the crap to is tremendously cathartic.

BTW I did talk to OW. Overall I think calling her was neutral, I neither felt better nor worse after doing it. Common sense probably says don't do it though!

AnonyMuse Fri 28-Feb-14 18:32:16

I was another who went against the tide of MN advice and contacted the OW, and for me it was extremely cathartic. My situation is different to yours because DH and I have not separated, but I completely recognise your overwhelming desire to let OW know exactly what she has done to you and your family.

I did not get in touch with her until about 3 weeks after my discovery of the affair (it had just ended when I stumbled across an email from her to him) so I was not quite as emotionally all over the place as I had been to start with. I composed the email very carefully indeed over several days, not pulling my punches but with very little ranting, no swearing and with an eye to not coming across as a madwoman. I didn't really expect a reply but was braced for either a tirade in return or making unpleasant discoveries about things DH had not revealed. Actually she did reply, very apologetically and with much self-effacement and that hugely helped the healing process. But even if she hadn't replied at all I don't think I would have regretted sending it.

A couple of months on it is much clearer to me that my initial fury against OW was misplaced and that the deserved recipient of the full impact of that was DH. But I think its a natural reaction to feel just as angry with OW at the beginning.

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Keep strong and keep posting on here - it really helps.

LEMmingaround Fri 28-Feb-14 18:07:51

I am sorry you are going through this sad As tempting as it would be to write to the OW, you have to question whether she would be bothered - i mean, she clearly has no morals or she wouldn't have gone wiht a married man - i know he is equally to blame, but at some point she has made a decision to be the reason a man has walked away from his wife and child, so i doubt pointing out to her how she has hurt you will bother her in the slightest. She is just a vile excuse for a woman and i wouldn't waste my energy on her.

The best quote i read for this situation was this "the best revenge is a life well lived"

You sound incredibly strong and positive - i don't think you'll be on your own for very long (unless of course you want to be!)


barking123 Fri 28-Feb-14 17:43:57

thanks all again. It is encouraging to hear that others have gone on to find love with decent people, and that there are some out there!

Have managed to get a babysitter tonight so am dragging myself off to work drinks. Its the last thing that I feel like but I guess it can't make me feel any worse.

barking123 Fri 28-Feb-14 17:38:28

Just read your story onmyown. Your poor thing, that sounds horrible. I also would be shocked by the audacity of them going to a wedding together (and extremely inappropriate too – cheating couple go to wedding together) and talking about how resilient your children would be – I would be completely seeing red. I think you had considerable restraint given the circumstances. I think you are right onmyown that it is a lot about ego massaging. Pathetic really isn't it.

Wow - your mum is harsh.
Just for some hope - my Ex left when I was nearing 41 - now at 45 I have a lovely OH. He's been on the scene for about 3 years now!
But for now it's all about you and getting on with getting over this.
And no matter what your mum says, it will take quite a while.
Keep posting for support and get a friend round to help you drink wine.

BeforeAndAfter Fri 28-Feb-14 17:02:51

I was 45 when I discovered the affair - am now 48. I am far from washed up and feel amazing. XH left me with real trust issues but I'm with a man who is understanding and patient.

I don't have kids of my own but I have 2 stepdaughters to whom I am very close. Their father gained a new wife (he and OW are now married) but he lost his daughters. They see him, they are dutiful but they have no respect for him which I find so sad.

The shaking is normal but quite scary. I have to say, the best outcome at this point for me was the weight loss so I did cheer myself up by buying some figure-hugging clothes! Do allow some self-indulgence. Am thinking of you x

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