Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Last night my DP 'came out'

(88 Posts)
NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 12:53:20

I've nc'd for this.

Last night, after ten years together, DP told me that he 'thinks' he is bisexual. It didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, I'd found things; internet search history and an interesting tumblr account he didn't think I knew about. I've had an idea for four years, I was just waiting for him to tell me...

So, he's finally told me. I asked him whether he'd ever been with a man and he said he hadn't, or been unfaithful. I believe him.

Where do we go from here? I've told him that it changes nothing and that I still love him very much. But does it change things? He says he doesn't want anyone else, wants our relationship to stay the same but he felt like he had to be honest with me. Can things stay as they are now that's out in the open? He said he doesn't want to see what it's like being with a man. I don't really understand that.

It was late when we talked, so I'm sure we'll talk some more about it. But I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in this position and what, if anything, changed within your relationship. TIA.

veryconfused2 Sun 02-Mar-14 19:07:01

I think the fact he has been open with you about it bodes well. I recently found out my DH is a crossdresser and he eventually acknowledge he may be bisexual. However, his behaviour has been inappropriate - my DH was having cyber sex with transexual/bi/gay men and got off on men watching him masturbate on web cams. He didn't tell me any of this I had to find out. So what I am trying to say is if your partner has not interacted with other men whilst in a relationship with you and the fact he is honest about his sexuality probably bodes well. In my case, my husband's deception is what has been hard to deal with.

JadziaSnax Sun 02-Mar-14 02:39:06

Good on him for being able to open up and tell you. From what you've said, it seems like it's taken him a while to come to terms with it. You sound lovely too, and really supportive, perceptive and open minded flowers. I'm horrified by some of the biphobic posts. Sexuality is a spectrum, not an either/or option.

I came out as bi to my (then) DP when we'd been together for just over a year. I was worried about his reaction but had to be honest with him. He was 'the one', the person I saw as my potential life partner. He took it pretty well and we've been together now for 22 years & married for 17 years. My sexuality does not automatically make me unfaithful. A cheater is a cheater, whatever their sexual orientation.

I agree with wouldbemedic, you'll work it out.

wouldbemedic Sat 01-Mar-14 22:14:02

OP my heart goes out to your DP. He's really lucky to have you. After a miserable childhood such as he's had, your compassion and sensitivity must be his pole star - sounds like he knows it, too. You'll work this out.

Reading the responses on this thread have shocked me too. I hadn't realised there were so many paranoid, ill-informed women on the relationships board. Won't be queuing up here for advice anytime soon.

Good luck. thanks

Upnotdown Sat 01-Mar-14 10:16:49

I suppose it's a bit of a surprise for you but I can't see how bisexual = cheater? It shouldn't really have any effect other than you now know something you didn't before...

I'm sure it is Grennie sad I'm under no illusions, it's astonishingly easy for me to be bisexual and yet never have dated a woman, because it means that anybody I choose to tell just accepts their own reality of it without questioning it. I suspect most of my family think it was a passing phase or curiosity I grew out of or consoled themselves that "It's okay because she dates men"

TheRaniOfYawn Fri 28-Feb-14 20:17:12

Actually, now I think about it, pretty much all the bisexual men I know are married to women.

NameChangeExtraordinare Fri 28-Feb-14 20:06:29

It was incredibly difficult for him to tell me. I believe he's been working himself up to it for a while, and I get why. He was raised by a religious relative who thought gays and white people were heathens, in a house with cousins who thought unless you're manly and unfeeling you're gay. He was a sensitive child and was called gay, and was bullied by them. I knew that, so the minute I started getting an idea about it I knew he wouldn't find it easy to tell me, so I waited...

I really believe him when he says he loves and is attracted to me. The man deserves an oscar if he's lying. Some of these posts have been really quite bigoted, and I'm a bit shocked by it tbh.

Grennie Fri 28-Feb-14 19:02:46

Bertie, nobody has an issue with women being bisexual. Indeed it is almost expected. Being lesbian is treated totally differently, especially when you make it clear that really does mean you have no interest in men.

DayAfterYesterday Fri 28-Feb-14 19:01:32

Because how can you possibly know that? How do you know that there isn't lots of women in what appears to be lesbian relationships who are bi, or married men in straight relationships who are bi, people don't wear signs. There is a big difference between curiosity and following it through, looking at gay porn isn't a gateway to cheating if anything it may help scratch the itch, do men who look at straight porn end up cheating with other women? Or vice versa straight women?

I am bisexual and although I have never been with a woman and am now married to a man it's still something I identify with. I do not have a desire to explore what it would be like to be with a woman and I don't feel unfulfilled.

I think it is easier for women though. There's still a bit of a taboo with men about the idea of being gay as in you either are or you aren't. In my experience nobody has really been slightly thrown by my being bisexual, in fact I've had a lot of comments saying "Most women are" which TBH I think is a bit hmm.

It might be something he's not thought about before now and now suddenly it's come up and he wanted to be honest with you about it so that you didn't worry if he ever made a comment about a man etc.

Rebecca2014 Fri 28-Feb-14 18:45:53

How is it ignorant if it is true? I never said only women were truly bisexual, I said majority of women end up with men as their life partners.

Why tell her this if he did not want to explore? how can he help himself? he has admitted he is attracted to men and I am sure he been looking at gay porn so how long is that going to keep him satisfied? curiosity killed the cat you know.

I like to see an update in an year time and I be the first to say I told you so.

DayAfterYesterday Fri 28-Feb-14 16:49:28

Its just ignorant to assume only women are truly bisexual and men will end up with men because they are just in denial right? Being honest about who you are doesn't mean you want approval to explore or be unfaithful

Rebecca2014 Fri 28-Feb-14 15:59:21

If my husband came out as bisexual that would be a huge issue for me. He properly has never had a same sex encounter so it is likely that him telling you he is bisexual is the first step and the next will be the talk, the talk to ask if he can explore his sexuality.

I also think a lot of bisexual men end up with men unlike bisexual women where the majority stick with the opposite sex.

DistanceCall Fri 28-Feb-14 15:52:55

There is a difference between having homoerotic fantasies and actually wanting to have sexual relationships with a man. And even having sex with a man would not necessarily mean that he is not heterosexual.

I agree with other posts that you need to talk and see how this can fit into your life as a couple.

str8tothepoint Fri 28-Feb-14 15:43:08

I think you should just talk to him, none of us have the answers.

Plus some are not being very nice, your partner has the answers

tawse I find your last few posts quite odd, tbh. Bisexuality means feelings of sexual attraction towards both genders. Obviously, the activities you choose in bed may vary with the gender of the person you are with, but 'sexuality' and 'sexual needs' don't arrive in neat little boxes with a label on.

Yes, a man may enjoy some things that female partners don't immediately think to offer, but the fact that he finds other men sexually attractive doesn't automatically mean that he wants specific things out of sex, and the fact that he doesn't find other men sexually attractive doesn't mean that he wouldn't like those things.

People want mutually-satisfying sex, within the context of a positive and supportive relationship. So long as that is happening, someone bisexual isn't going to feel a desperate 'need' to have sex with another person, whatever their gender or sexuality, any more than a straight person has a desperate 'need' to be unfaithful.

HeebieJeebie to my mind it is different if a heterosexual man suddenly starts looking at porn when he hasn't before, or suddenly starts mentioning that he finds other women attractive. There has usually been no reason for him to keep that aspect of himself 'closeted' during the relationship, so it's sensible to look for a 'reason' for the change in behaviour.

The attitudes in society in general, and here on this thread, leave it perfectly clear why a man probably would feel uncomfortable about admitting to bisexual feelings, and why he would do his best to suppress it. Even with his reluctance to speak about it, the OP has seen signs throughout their relationsip that made her wonder.

Therefore the only thing that has changed is that he has finally decided that it is better to be open about it with her. So - no need to assume he is going to want/need to take it further, until and unless that happens.

isitme1 Fri 28-Feb-14 09:58:18

flowers op I think you have a very loving open relationship and I believe your dp

DayAfterYesterday Fri 28-Feb-14 09:51:44

Some horrible assumptions on this thread. I came out to dh as bi fairy recently I'd be lying if I said it was easy on us there has been a lot of upset and confusion and fear understandably. We have been together more than 10 years since our teens it took me a long time to even notice I was bisexual and even longer to accept it myself. I did a lot of soul searching, googling, reading bi forums etc before admitting it to dh this wasnt me being secretive but accepting it myself first. To use the earlier comparison I'm probably leaning 90% towards women 10% towards men but I categorically do not want to end my marriage or go elsewhere or have any intention of being unfaithful.

I didn't come out for any sinister reason but because I needed to admit and accept who I am. If your straight you probably have no idea how difficult it is to hide a whole side of yourself, to be aware of every glance or comment you make to feel unable to express yourself and have others assume your something you are not. Finally realising your sexuality is a massive thing especially if your already in a commited relationship, its like a second puberty hormones are racing, thoughts consume you and you have no outlet, sharing your sexuality with your partner gives you that outlet before I told dh I wasn't sleeping, constantly angry felt like my head would burst. Of course its difficult for dh too I'm sure he would rather I was straight but he loves me regardless.

hookedonchoc Fri 28-Feb-14 09:01:55

I disagree entirely that the timing has some sinister significance. It is most likely imo that this is simply the first time he has felt able to broach the subject after years of trying. Some people come to terms with their sexuality quickly, but for others it can take many years before they are able to accept themselves and still longer before they pluck up the courage to mention it to anyone else. From the information given, there is no reason to presume that he is about to act on his feelings.

NotNewButNameChanged Fri 28-Feb-14 09:00:33

Claudius so presumably if your husband heard you and your friend discussing a film you've been to see with, say, George Clooney, and he hears you say that you find him very sexy, your husband should leave because clearly you are going to go off and shag George Clooney?

yourehavingalaugh Fri 28-Feb-14 08:55:12

The fact he has told you now is significant. He obviously can't conceal his feelings any more. What he does with them next is the issue. Is he preparing you for something?

KissesBreakingWave Fri 28-Feb-14 03:16:43

What SolidGoldBrass said. Thin end of the wedge my muscular and manly buttocks.

Well some heteromonogamous people are actually perfectly OK with having a bi partner who sometimes has or seeks sex with people of the other gender. And plenty of bisexual people are deeply monogamous, but (as lots of other non-fuckwitted posters have said) prefer not to have to keep an important aspect of themselves hidden from those they love.
You know your partner, OP. YOu know how well your relationship works. THe world is full of stupid, heteromonogamy-obsessed mundanes, but it's safe to ignore them and carry on doing what suits you.

ClaudiusMaximus Fri 28-Feb-14 01:24:58

Not at all.

Pretty much without exception when a husband confesses something to his wife on here, it is always "the thin end of the wedge". "We only kissed" usually means "we've had sex". It's always the way. The husbands only admit to what they think they can get away with.

Hence my advice to the OP. This will be the thin end of the wedge. Leave now with your pride and dignity intact before any further 'revelations'. It's what I would do.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now