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Last night my DP 'came out'

(88 Posts)
NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 12:53:20

I've nc'd for this.

Last night, after ten years together, DP told me that he 'thinks' he is bisexual. It didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, I'd found things; internet search history and an interesting tumblr account he didn't think I knew about. I've had an idea for four years, I was just waiting for him to tell me...

So, he's finally told me. I asked him whether he'd ever been with a man and he said he hadn't, or been unfaithful. I believe him.

Where do we go from here? I've told him that it changes nothing and that I still love him very much. But does it change things? He says he doesn't want anyone else, wants our relationship to stay the same but he felt like he had to be honest with me. Can things stay as they are now that's out in the open? He said he doesn't want to see what it's like being with a man. I don't really understand that.

It was late when we talked, so I'm sure we'll talk some more about it. But I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in this position and what, if anything, changed within your relationship. TIA.

quietlysuggests Thu 27-Feb-14 12:56:29

I do not have any experience of this.
But I think in 5 years time your partner will be living with a man.

Neitheronethingortheother Thu 27-Feb-14 13:00:41

I would be worried that he is actually gay but that it was too much a step to take so bisexual is just the first step. If he is in fact bisexual then your relationship doesnt need to change. If he is gay then it will be very hard to maintain the status quo and very unfair on both of you. Do you have sex? is it good? I would consider myself to be bi sexual but as long as I remain married to my dh I would not cheat or look to involve anyone else in our relationship. If we separated that might be different. I am attracted to my dh and I really enjoy having sex with him and we do so regularly so our relationship is not adversely affected by me also being attracted to females sexually.

ClaudiusMaximus Thu 27-Feb-14 13:03:46

Yes, it's definitely thin end of the wedge. Is walk away now with your pride and dignity intact.

DodgyTaxCreditsQuestion Thu 27-Feb-14 13:06:15

Really?

Don't listen to this bullshit.

Being gay and bisexual are two different things, one isn't a 'gateway' into the other.

I am bisexual, my DP didn't know for the first 6 years of our relationship. I love him, I am committed to him and won't be leaving him for a woman just because I am attracted to both sexes. hmm

I think it is great that he has been honest with you. But he isn't any more likely to leave you than he was last week.

That's right, bisexuals are all gay and closeted (except when they're in same-sex relationships when they're straight and experimenting) hmm

Lottapianos Thu 27-Feb-14 13:10:05

What Neither and Dodgy said. Bisexual people are no more likely to cheat than anyone else.

'He says he doesn't want anyone else, wants our relationship to stay the same but he felt like he had to be honest with me.'

Sounds pretty reasonable to me. You don't seem to have any reason to believe he's been acting on his feelings so as Dodgy says, he's no more likely to leave you now than a week ago.

How do you feel about it?

NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 13:23:08

We have a fantastic sex life, and the sex is good. I rarely instigate it, usually him.

He said if his sexuality was split like a pie chart, his attraction to women would feature 70% of it.

It doesn't change my feelings toward him at all Lotta, though I feel that maybe he's not being completely honest when he says he doesn't want to see what it's like to be with a man. Won't that eventually leave him feeling unfulfilled or, is that not how it works?

Lottapianos Thu 27-Feb-14 13:29:17

TBH I'm in a similar position to your DP. I am curious and if my DP and I were to split, I would consider dating both men and women. Have only ever been with men in the past. However, I love my DP a lot and feel that he is the right person for me so I have no intention of cheating, ever. You can't experience everything that you're curious about in life, and certainly not at the expense of a good relationship.

I think it says a lot of good things about your relationship that he felt able to discuss this with you.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 13:31:19

*I do not have any experience of this.
But I think in 5 years time your partner will be living with a man.*

I think sentence one kind of cancels out sentence two there.

You both need to talk to someone about this as it's a huge transition.
How are you feeling about it? x

wouldbemedic Thu 27-Feb-14 13:31:50

Sounds stressful, OP. Sorry. I wouldn't listen to anyone predicting he'll turn out gay. They don't know what they're talking about. As for needing to know what it's like with a man, I would be inclined to believe him when he says he doesn't need to know. This could be much more about him accepting his own identity that about him wishing to change his life. All of us in monogamous relationships know what it's like to resolutely turn away from sexual fulfilment with people who aren't our partners. I wouldn't have thought it's quite that simple for your DP, but it sounds like the same principle. In another life, he might have liked to act on bisexual desires, but because he's with you, he doesn't. I would accept that. I'd also be careful not to betray him now by refusing to believe his word. This is about him wanting to be honest about who he is, and wanting to be honest with you. He doesn't deserve to be distrusted.

DodgyTaxCreditsQuestion Thu 27-Feb-14 13:35:17

Thankfully some smart people have come along.

Ignore the ignorant, verging on homophobic comments at the start of the thread.

Your DH obviously loves you, and has chosen to be with you as a person, there is nothing to worry about.

slug Thu 27-Feb-14 13:36:38

I wouldn't worry. I've had a couple of relationships with women but my primary sexual attraction is to men. DH is quite relaxed about it and in no way feels threatened by this. It's the person that you love, not the genitals.

The only effect it has on our relationship is the occasional conversation about women in a "well she does nothing for me" kind of way.

ToriaPumpkin Thu 27-Feb-14 13:38:57

A friend of mine is bisexual, but is only interested in having intercourse with women, the attraction to men is a purely aesthetic thing.

I think it says great things that he was able to speak to you about this. That he can be honest is fantastic.

hmm The posts at the top of the thread are extremely bigoted.

Most bisexual people are not gay in denial, or just out to fuck everything that moves. You wouldn't make those nasty generalizations about any other group of people, so I don't see why it should be acceptable for bisexuals.

plantsitter Thu 27-Feb-14 13:47:26

I think it is different to know that you are bisexual and THEN settle down with a partner rather than realising that you have sexual feelings for your own sex when already in a relationship with someone of the other.

I'm sorry because I'm not trying to be prescriptive about people's sexuality but if I were you I would find it very difficult to believe he didn't want to experiment. For me it would be a choice of allowing him to experiment while still in a relationship with me - which would make me feel crap - or admitting that he is going to in secret anyway if I didn't - again, crap - OR splitting up for a while to see where his heart lies. This last would also be crap but better than feeling like the rejected partner at home.

I do think his honesty is fantastic but you have to consider your own welfare. You don't have to 'reward' him for being honest to you, but I think it would be foolish to continue as if nothing had happened.

eisbaer Thu 27-Feb-14 13:53:41

If it's not going to impact on your relationship and he's not interested in trying being with a man, then why would he feel the need to tell you? Does he tell you about every woman he fancies? So he wants something more to develop with a man at some pt in the future I'll wager. Otherwise I don't understand the big bombshell announcement. I don't buy "bi", nor do many of my gay friends. You're either one or t'other ...
or in part-denial.

TheRaniOfYawn Thu 27-Feb-14 13:54:53

It really doesn't mean that he is missing out by staying with you. It's like, say, being attracted to people of different races or different body types. If a tall woman is only attracted to tall men and marries a tall man who doesn't care about his partner's height so long as the spark is there, this doesn't mean that he can't be monogamous because he is missing out on sex with short women. He might have fantasies about a woman gazing up at him, or off bending down and sweeping her up into his arms. He might even spend time dreaming about sexual positions where a height difference is required. But that doesn't mean that he isn't perfectly happy with his tall wife.

For most people in relationships, there are a whole lot of other people out there who they might feel a sexual attraction towards, and who, if they happened to split up with their current partner, they might consider going out with. They also might be unfaithful with them, if their relationship was in trouble and they didn't stop themselves from acting on it.

If you count yourself as 100% straight, then that group of hypothetical 'others' is going to be all the opposite sex.

If you identify as bisexual, then the group is going to contain a mix of men and women.

None of that means that a person is unhappy with the person they are currently with. Your chances of your partner either breaking off the relationship or being unfaithful are not altered by the fact that this hypothetical group of people aren't all women in his case.

He wants to be honest with you that, when he leers at a film scene, it might be Keanu Reeves instead of Keira Knightley that he noticed. No biggy!

Lj8893 Thu 27-Feb-14 13:58:01

From what you have said I don't think you have any need to worry, he just felt he needed to be honest with you that he is a little attracted to men.

I know many bisexual people (men and women) some of which have never actually had a sexual encounter with the same sex, they are just attracted to them. If they were single then maybe they would have a sexual encounter, but as they are in loving relationships, there is no desire for them to cheat with either sex.

If someones gonna cheat, they will cheat, regardless of thier sexuality. It doesn't sound like your partner is a cheater.

Grennie Thu 27-Feb-14 14:02:01

Yes being bisexual does not make you any more unlikely to be unfaithful. It simply means you are sexually attracted to both sexes.

Some people do come out as bisexual before coming out as gay or lesbian.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:02:11

Talking is good. Listening is better. It's taken him a long time to be able to realise and talk about this. And you've not wanted to bring it up while you've suspected about it (and I can totally understand why).

You've been together such a long time. Try not to panic or presume and keep talking.

All the very best of luck.

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 14:05:04

Is it just me or does anyone else feel if the OP had posted about her heterosexual partner having an internet search history and tumblr account, the response would be somewhat different?

I'm very label-averse and that colours my opinion a bit. No matter what he is, I also don't see why there was a need for a 'big announcement' if he loves you/is happy with you/is not looking for something else.

DitaVonCreamTeas Thu 27-Feb-14 14:05:08

I'm a straight woman very happily married to a wonderful bisexual man.

DH came out to me after our first few dates, thinking I'd be disgusted and run a mile. I wasn't. DH is as monogamous, loving, passionate and all 'round great chap as I could ever ask for. He just fancies men and women rather than 'just' women. He came out to me because not to would mean him living a lie, and the pressure of him doing so would, I'm sure, have torn the relationship apart.

4 years later and I couldn't be happier. I don't fear he's going to leave me for a man (or woman), I trust him not to. It's me he loves, not just because I have female genitals, and that makes me feel incredibly special and wanted.

How incredibly brave and lovely of your DP to trust you, he must have been terrified of how you would react. If you have no reason to disbelieve anything he says, then there's no reason why things should change - it might even bring you closer together. Let him know that you're not going to run for the hills and talk to him about it, and don't be afraid.

Don't listen to the homophobic bullshit; love him and accept him, and be open and trusting with each other, and your relationship will only get better. flowers

Lollypop1983 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:08:14

My experience is slightly different. When I met my husband, he had been with other men. Not 1 but 2. He was totally upfront and honest about it.

10 years later, we r happily married, with 1 DS and 1 on the way.

He loves me. I know he wouldn't cheat on me with anyone, male or female. But I know he feels he doesn't have to hide that part of him.

It isn't easy to hear. But that doesn't mean anything has to change.

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