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Separated 2 weeks ago. Miss him so much. But he is furious

(47 Posts)
Sickandtired14 Wed 26-Feb-14 19:23:48

So, we separated 2 weeks ago. We have a 19month old girl and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Separation came after a bitter bitter row where he got so aggressive that I called the police. He started smashing things and pushed me. He did not hit me. Anyway, he is angry cos I called the police and he says he is the victim as I started the row and wouldn't let him simply storm out when he wanted to. He is quite controlling and doesn't see boundaries, ie during a row he will say anything that comes into his head, no matter how awful. He told me I am cancer in his life and he wants to kill himself to get away from me etc. If he gets upset, and the tiniest thing can upset him, he goes silent. If I ask what's wrong he'll say he is tired but then not speak to me for a week. Or until I 'start a row' by questioning him again. He says when he does this it's ok cos 'he isn't doing anything to me and I come to him to start a argument'.

Despite all this, I miss him so much. I want to be with him. I want to try relationship counselling. I want to learn to communicate better. We have one child, we will have another and I still love him. He is still extremely angry so I'm not contacting him. Trying to get some space and will see how I feel in 30 days.

I know that a lot of people will say 'why so you want to be with someone who treats you like that' but I just do. I sometimes wish I didn't love him but I do and I miss him. Maybe I'm just being silly. My hormones are kinda everywhere.

Sorry for venting. I just don't know where else to turn

Back2Two Wed 26-Feb-14 19:27:06

I think you should just have some time for yourself and get counselling for yourself. He sounds awful.

fifi669 Wed 26-Feb-14 19:35:46

Wouldn't let him storm out? Did you block his way? Is that why he pushed you? I know if a bloke were to do that to a woman he'd be thought of as the aggressor.... Just saying. It doesn't excuse the way he talked to you etc in any way.

Apart from that you don't sound like you had the healthiest of relationships. It'll hurt like hell but you'll find someone better. Ex left me when 20 weeks pregnant, I cried every day til DS was about a month old. Looking back at our relationship it's the nicest thing he ever did for me! With a lovely man now smile

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 26-Feb-14 19:37:35

Do you miss the violent bully you were living with or the loving man you thought you had married?

Anna I'm so, so sorry you're going through this thanks

Back is right, he sounds awful. He is abusive and has been physically aggressive. And he is blaming you for his faults.

He is the father of your dc, and I would imagine that a part of you will always love him. But you and your dc cannot put up with his abuse. None of you are safe staying with him, and he is trying to guilt trip you into thinking that you are at fault by being angry with you.

Please, please don't back down x

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 26-Feb-14 19:38:10

Hello op this must be hellish for you. Your hormones will be making you feel so vulnerable.

Please give your self a breather.

Nobody in a loving relationship says these thing to each other or get violent. It's not healthy for you or your small children.

You need to protect all three of you.

He sounds horrible.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 26-Feb-14 19:40:30

He's an abusive bully.

Your children deserve better than to grow up in a home with him living in it.

Lweji Wed 26-Feb-14 19:45:53

You may want to try, but he'd have to want to change and I doubt he will.

Keep strong and away from him.

Sickandtired14 Wed 26-Feb-14 19:57:08

I haven't been an angel. I shout and scream at him. Whenever he wants to storm out I bar his way, mostly because he insists on having his whole say and then wants to storm out so I don't get a chance to say anything back.

I know he would need to want to work at it. I am living in a state of perpetual hope that he will choose to when he calms down.

I'm not an idiot, I can see this is the best thing to happen but I feel drawn to him. Part of our problem is his controlling and he can not cope at all with my emotions. He struggles to deal with them at all. The only emotion is allows himself to access is anger. I'm not painting a pretty picture. But I am trying to be honest now. I am aware that being without him will be better in the long run but I just don't think I'm ready for it to be over. I don't feel like we've tried hard enough. I just want him. Probably the man I think I have married and not who he is. The guy I dated who was kind, loving, clever, funny etc... All the good bits we display at the start. Just miss him. Can't bare the thought of being in love with him for all the years coming and him not wanting me

livingzuid Wed 26-Feb-14 19:57:37

Sorry this has happened to you. But stay away, stay well away. How awful of him to make you take the blame for everything in his life. Nasty bully. Dangerous for your dcs in particular.

Please don't take him back. Have you access to any counselling?

It won't be easy but it will be worth it to build a secure and safe life with your lovely dcs thanks

defineme Wed 26-Feb-14 19:59:05

You have to protect both your children.
It would be deeply wrong to consider letting your kids live in the same house as someone who behaves in that way-do you want them to live in fear? Do you want them to grow up anxious and depressed? Do you want them to turn into people who will do anything to keep the peace?

You love him, but don't you love your kids more-you're meant to protect them? I don't just mean protect them from physical harm. I mean protect them from becoming messed up dysfunctional adults because they've been exposed to this kind of nonsense. I see kids who suffer the consequences of their parents relationships and it's heart breaking. Much more heart breaking than seeing an adult woman separate from her husband. I do have sympathy for you, but I have more for them.

You did the right thing calling the police. It'll be hard to let go, but you'll get stronger and it doesn't mean you'll be alone forever.You could be in a healthy, normal, easy, stress free relationship with no silence/explosions/walking on eggshells-they really do exist.

livingzuid Wed 26-Feb-14 19:59:57

Just X posted sorry. It doesn't matter if you scream although I am pretty sure your frustration leads to your behaviour I used to get like that with X simply because he wouldn't ever listen it was like trying to communicate with mud. But please remember none of this is your fault. None.

Mammy2Be Wed 26-Feb-14 20:12:23

Hi OP. are you me? Honestly, I am going through the EXACT same thing. Have a 13 month old DD and am 8 wks pregnant. DH has always had massive anger issues but they seem to have gotten so much worse since DD was about 6 months old. And have gotten worse even still since I told him about this pregnancy (which we were actively trying for). Logic tells me all the usual things that various Mumsnet boards reaffirm, but emotionally this is beyond SHIT. the only difference between me and you is that he all but walked out on us two weeks ago and I managed to talk him down. Begged him to try counselling but he completely stonewalls that idea. We're just going to 'try really hard'. However it only really appears to me trying. He's his usual moody self. And I, all the while, degrade myself daily by grovelling for his approval and affection and just a little bit of communication.
But I'm simply not ready to let go of the idea of a happy family upbringing for my children. Just not ready.
Wish we were friends in RL. I have some friends I can vaguely talk to, but not complete openly. I do find myself censuring the details.

LEMmingaround Wed 26-Feb-14 20:19:02

You will get stronger - you need to concentrate on your children now. It would be really really shit for them to grow up with him around all the time. What does he do for a living? can he only express himself with anger at work, or does he save that for you?

MadBusLady Wed 26-Feb-14 20:19:24

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. You can't learn to "communicate better" with a violent bully. There's no way of communicating with them. He hasn't tried hard enough, you're quite right, but you can't do all the trying for both of you.

AbleAble Wed 26-Feb-14 20:19:39

Annas and, also, Mammy what are your financial arrangements?

And do you have family - loving parents/siblings/close friends to help you out?

You both need to ditch these abusive losers fast.

Sickandtired14 Wed 26-Feb-14 20:23:19

I'm so sorry your going through this, but a little glad it's not just me! I can't open up completely to my friends. They are trying to be supportive and they all think he's an asshole and I'm better off but I can't get it into my head. He's only left cos I called he police and everytime we have spoken since that is all he brings up 'what I did' in that voice that says it is all my fault. Like I was the one in the wrong for not takin his shit!! I wake up strong and confident but by this time of the day I'm a mess.

I asked him to try counselling and he used to say he didn't see the point. What would it achieve? Spilling all out details to someone who doesn't understand us etc etc. So annoying. Maybe I'm being stupid. Just miss him. Just not ready. Just a bit weak I guess

LEMmingaround Wed 26-Feb-14 20:24:50

"But I'm simply not ready to let go of the idea of a happy family upbringing for my children. Just not ready." The only way your children will have a happily family upbringing is if you get rid of him!

Sickandtired14 Wed 26-Feb-14 20:25:09

With my hubby having moved out I am in the process of claiming benefits. Had to quit my job. He has started paying maintenance though. I have family but not very close by. 45 mins away.

LEMmingaround Wed 26-Feb-14 20:26:23

You don't miss him, you miss who you thought he was - sadly, he isn't that person, he is a violent bully who scared you so much that you had to call the police, and you are pregnat - he is disgusting!

MadBusLady Wed 26-Feb-14 20:30:50

You're not weak, you're a normal, nice person with normal, nice person feelings. You need time for your feelings to catch up with the real situation, which is that this man is essentially not a loving person and cannot, and isn't, giving you the love you deserve. In the meantime, stay strong, don't beat yourself up for feeling sad, but don't contact him either.

clam Wed 26-Feb-14 21:21:06

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

Sweetheart it's not just you sad

Unfortunately the more time you spend on the relationship board the more you will see that you are not alone - at all

There are some massively horrible people/men out there. I'm just so sorry that you have come across one of them sad

tess73 Wed 26-Feb-14 21:33:34

Don't take him back
A lot of domestic violence starts in pregnancy.
Keep well away, for your kids if not for yourself.

ageofgrandillusion Wed 26-Feb-14 21:39:07

If you miss him so much just get back with him OP. He sounds like such a nice bloke.

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