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Fancy my boss! Help

(221 Posts)
AdvicePlease1709 Mon 24-Feb-14 20:22:13

I have name changed as i really don't want to be outed. I work very closely with my boss and have a good working relationship.

Just recently though i find myself losing concentration in meetings because i am looking at him and bloody dreaming about him at night.

I feel like i am a teenager again and it is really affecting my work. It wouldn't be so bad if i didn't have to work with him nearly every hour of the day.

I am seriously considering looking for work elsewhere.

Logg1e Mon 24-Feb-14 20:23:22

Ok, you seem to have found a solution.

babyphat Mon 24-Feb-14 20:34:00

I've been there! My worst was a 2 year (!) crush on my female boss - I moved within the organisation after about 18 months. She's moved on too but I suspect even now (years on) I'd still feel a twinge. blush

Partly I think there's just something about proximity - I've had sex dreams about nearly everyone I've worked for!!

Hang in there! Just try and be super professional and don't do anything embarrassing like accidentally putting kisses on emails (been there too)

babyphat Mon 24-Feb-14 20:35:54

I sound like a right nutter. I'm not, honest! Just crush-prone but have never acted on one in the ten+ years I've been with dp. They always pass in the end.

AdvicePlease1709 Mon 24-Feb-14 20:38:31

I had a quick Google and a lot of people have said it is proximity. I never even thought this way about him before i was promoted. It is just frustrating that i have let it affect the way i work.

AdvicePlease1709 Mon 24-Feb-14 20:39:47

I don't have a dp at the moment but it did start before we split. The split was nothing to do with this though - he cheated on me.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 24-Feb-14 20:58:16

Is your boss single? If he is why not drop a few hints? I will probably get flamed but many people do meet at work. If he's married then time to move on.

AdvicePlease1709 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:03:20

He is single which i think is why i can't stop thinking about him. I am a real worrier and would be feeling terrible if he had a partner.

I have thought about flirting a little as we are both single but then i think i could really jeopardize my position there.

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Feb-14 21:12:05

Hmm, it's a really tricky one.

It's not exactly unheard of for people to meet at work, even if one person is the boss, so I wouldn't entirely discount it. He has more to lose than you so I think the impetus has to come from you, but I wouldn't do anything you couldn't row back from. I'd push a friendship with the very mildest of flirty undertones and see how he picks up. I think given the stakes you have to be prepared for any build up to be of the slow burning variety.

Does he directly line manage you? Would it be possible to readjust the structure slightly if you did start a relationship, even if it just means someone else does your appraisals and signs off any pay rises?

AdvicePlease1709 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:18:31

He is the owner of the business and i am line manager to everyone else so i'm directly underneath him (--or i wish- -) blush

We do have a good friendship and if we have been out for a meeting we will stop and have lunch and a drink somewhere. I have also met him on a few nights out and it has been a laugh.

My head says don't be daft but i also think well why not

AdvicePlease1709 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:19:04

Well that strike through didn't work!

Amethyst24 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:29:39

If he's single too there might not be much to worry about. These things are rarely one-sided IME.

I had a really annoying crush on a colleague a few years back. I didn't even like him, he was fucking annoying, but I kept having these damn dreams about him. And then at work I'd get all blushy and awkward. I love my DP and had no desire for an affair at all, and didn't behave inappropriately in any way at all - but I kept having the stupid dreams! They stopped when he left the company.

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Feb-14 21:34:11

Well that strike through didn't work!

No, but it did succeed in drawing attention to what you're thinking. Maybe just go for this approach on the next report you have to write!

AdvicePlease1709 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:37:11

You lot will have me struggling. I think i am thinking more about it now as we leave tomorrow night to stay in London for 2 nights for some big meetings.

I need to be on top form to make sure we come back with the contracts and i really am not going to be able to concentrate

Wrapdress Tue 25-Feb-14 00:49:37

I think it is normal to get crushes on people you spend a lot of time with. Usually for me these work crushes are really quick and then they subside.
I currently have a manager crush that is very intense, however. We have never spoken of it, but it's mutual. He started it. Just eye contact and smiling. No talking about it. Been going on for 6 months. He is 4 levels above me, so very little day to day contact, but he walks by my office several times a day to look and smile. He's married and manager-subordinate relationships are expressly forbidden at this company. I would NEVER initiate anything with him because of these things. It's kind of pleasant, however, and makes my day go by faster. Yet every day I wake up glad nothing further is going on. It would be too messy and simply wrong. I just consider him the love of my next life.
I'd be careful. So many times these things blow up and it's the underling female who suffers for it.

Logg1e Tue 25-Feb-14 02:56:09

And his wife.

LettertoHermioneGranger Tue 25-Feb-14 03:12:26

Is your crush attraction-based? You say you have a good friendship, is your crush based on that, that you enjoy his company and could see a lasting relationship with him?

As others have said, people do meet at work. If it's not purely a sexual attraction thing, if you honestly think you would enjoy him as an emotional partner, I would consider it. It would have to be very slow, nothing that could get you in trouble. Perhaps try to build your out-of-work friendship first, spend more time together off company time, and maybe let a relationship blossom if it happens mutually.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 25-Feb-14 05:34:30

I still have fantasies anout an ex colleague. Gish he is georgeous but 10 years younger and has a gf so I cant go there. It was a mutual thing though. Hit it off straight away but both quute awkward when in the same room.

VivianStanshall Tue 25-Feb-14 06:19:37

I'd look for work elsewhere as it won't go away IME.

I did it the other way round, I was the boss and as the relationship sadly began to break down after a couple of years I was the one who got another job (it's not always the woman that moves jobs).

AdvicePlease1709 Tue 25-Feb-14 16:12:23

We are heading out for something to eat this evening but no drinks because of an early morning meeting.

I think it is just friendship, he is lovely to me but in friendly way - there really isn't so much as a hint of flirting from him. I think the attraction is based on his personality and possibly his authority to be honest.

SeaSaltMill Tue 25-Feb-14 16:17:22

My best friend and her manager used to flirt. Now they've been together 5 years and have a 6 month old baby. It does happen.

However, if he's not returning the feeling, it could just be messy and embarrassing.

Logg1e Tue 25-Feb-14 16:30:09

Whenever I felt like this (not for many years!) it was mostly down to boredom. Having crushes at work just made dull jobs a bit more exciting.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 16:36:03

He's single isn't he?

Don't beat yourself up about it OP. But yes, don't get too distracted on your trip! Good luck.

Evansy Tue 25-Feb-14 16:53:00

I met my husband at work over 20 years ago. He was the boss. I was taken on initially as a temp but later was made permanent. I liked him as soon as I met him, but worked there for over 18 months before any sort of romance started, and then we got married about 18 months after that. We have 2 kids and are happily married. Don't know if that helps any.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 17:07:04

later was made permanent

grin sounds like it! Haha. Aw, congratulations!

Good luck OP. Hope this has a happy ending.

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