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He slapped me

(162 Posts)
feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 00:30:47

Have NC for this.

Last night, my partner of 10 years went out drinking. He came home in such a state, that he fell through the door, ended up smashing his phone, and was playing pinball with the walls. He has never been in such a drunken state like this before.

I told him I had been trying to ring him to find out what time to expect him, and he took his (now smashed up) phone out of his pocket and waved it in my face saying it's dead and so I was lying. I knew for a fact I wasn't, and told him so. He got arsey and then fucked off to bed.

About half an hour later, I went to bed and he woke up. Got up, walked over to the wardrobe, and went on to wee over the clothes. I jumped up telling him to stop and trying to get him to the toilet. He took offence, and flipped at me like I was some evil woman who wouldn't just let him have a wee. He seemed to genuinely not realise wtf he was doing.

Anyway, this was when he turned really nasty. Ranting away at me whilst looking at me with such hatred in his eyes. Because I wouldn't let him return to finish his wee off on the clothes, he slapped me and shoved me out of the way. The slap wasn't that hard, I don't think. I don't recall feeling any pain from it but from the moment I noticed his hand coming towards me, I was instantly shocked. He then returned to the spot and finished his wee.

He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

We have been together for 10 years, got 2 kids and he has never been that drunk before or laid a finger on me. We are meant to be getting married in a few months and I have decided I am at least postponing it. Apart from that, given how he has never hurt me before, is usually always supportive, does more than his fair share around the house and has helped me through so much I don't know what to think. Or do. I feel numb, shocked, and emotionally drained.

I have read so many times that once they have hit you, it only gets worse. But is it really a possibility to start after 10 years?

I don't know what to think sad

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 04-Mar-14 15:09:30

high five

mathanxiety Tue 04-Mar-14 15:01:42

Yes, that is what I picked up too -- when he says no more drinking he is saying it was the drink that made him do it. I think he needs to get to the bottom of the violence. That came from somewhere -- drink the occasion but not the cause.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 04-Mar-14 11:07:47

There's a lot of sense in that math - getting in to a 'alcohol = violence' mindset if he's 'not allowed' to drink can be a bit dodgy sometimes.

It can send a message that he can say he was drunk afterwards, or possibly mean you end up being frightened of alcohol (when/if he drinks) when really it's the violence that's illegal/abusive. He should be able to drink (if he chooses to) without any risk of violence.

mathanxiety Tue 04-Mar-14 02:15:57

I do not want to throw a wet blanket over it all, but a promise to stop drinking altogether can sometimes be hard to keep, and then the rest slides too.

You need to consider what you will accept from him as far as responsible behaviour goes, and what you will do if he starts sliding. How much reminding are you prepared to do about seeing a doctor? How much checking up are you going to end up doing wrt where he is or who he is with? How will you feel if he stays out late one night and isn't in touch?

You need to reserve the option of changing your mind about trying to move on. If you can't get past being hit you are not obliged to stay for any reason. It's not failure to decide things have changed too much.

Jan45 Mon 03-Mar-14 16:21:03

Thanks for the update, really think the not drinking will make a huge difference, he has to do that as a minimum, only time will tell.

rainbowsmiles Mon 03-Mar-14 16:17:50

Thanks for updating Feelingnumb. It sounds as though he is taking responsibility. Glad he washed the clothes. You seem to have handled things very well and drawn your line quite clearly and firmly.

I'm glad he's stopping the drinking.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 03-Mar-14 16:11:58

Glad he took responsibility OP - let us know how you get on thanks

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Fri 28-Feb-14 18:36:30

Hi Feeling numb....bit awkward this but...do you think he has been increasing his drinking with the stress of the upcoming wedding? If he's always been lovely and now this, something has caused it surely?

HoratiaDrelincourt Fri 28-Feb-14 12:41:41

He has started well - owning his mistake and making amends is the minimum you should expect.

Being open with both sides of the family is hugely important too. Well done.

feelingnumb88 Fri 28-Feb-14 12:26:13

Sorry to hear you went through that Snooky, sounds awful and it is that situation I don't want to find myself in!

Sorry I haven't been back sooner. I came down with a D&V bug and have been really bad with it. Hardly able to keep my eyes open never mind get up out of bed. I am thankfully feeling better now, although not great sad

Well, the talk went with him apologising constantly. I asked him what he plans on doing to make sure it doesn't happen again, he said he will obviously not be drinking again and he will see the doctor. I told him I am at least postponing the wedding which he accepted. I also said that I don't want this "friend" in my home any more because whilst my partner was fast asleep, this "friend" hit on me whilst comforting me. I had to tell him, because he is meant to be my partners best man hmm. Frankly he is just a sleazeball, and I don't want him near me after he tried to take advantage of me whilst vulnerable and upset. My partner said that he understood, and I won't be facing this friend again.

I have told my Mother the truth, and he is going to be telling his Mother. I am not going to lie to people about why the wedding is postponed, it is down to him to own his actions and take responsibility.

After all that, I am still not sure how I feel. He has been great whilst I have been ill and stayed home. But so he should anyway. I have made him fully aware that even after all this, there will be no quick fixes. Just because he says he won't drink, and is doing everything and trying to arrange a babysitter so he can take me out once I am better, does not equal the whole thing being fixed and forgotten. For now, I am just waiting to see how I feel.

He did do the washing, yes. And has continued to do so. He won't be getting a pat on the back for it though!

I hope I have made sense. Still feeling pretty shit and my head is spinning. Don't know whether I am coming or going right now!

Yes I feel sorry for them too. My dad was very controlling but mam stayed until he died.

SnookyPooky Fri 28-Feb-14 05:10:53

Been out since 1996, I look back at that time and can't comprehend that it was really me. I feel sorry for whoever he is with now, can't imagine he has changed.

livingatheendofthewall Fri 28-Feb-14 04:44:37

Has he washed the pissy clothes yet???

Aww Snooky that's awful glad you're out though.

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 27-Feb-14 18:56:25

I believe it is often the small things that break the stalemate

SnookyPooky Thu 27-Feb-14 18:41:02

Indeed, he was a twat but I was so blinded by him, he was gorgeous, generous and when it was good it was excellent. Oddly, it was quite a small, non DV/alcohol related incident that made me leave, just the straw that broke the camels back.

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 27-Feb-14 18:25:09

sad

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:08:44

Oh god... Snooky that's horrible.
thanks thanks thanks

SnookyPooky Thu 27-Feb-14 16:45:43

My ex pushed me down a short flight of steps outside a nightclub when drunk, he also pissed on me once when we were walking home from a night out.
Not long after that he started knocking me about, pushing, hitting and strangling me. The worst was always when he had a drink. He was NEVER remorseful.
I stayed for 5 years.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 15:42:12

OP - how's it going? x

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 10:43:53

How did your talk go last night, OP ?

Rebecca2014 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:39:08

I think he does need to stop drinking, he is obviously an aggressive drunk.

Jan45 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:26:55

Thanks for coming back OP, despite all the controversy. You sound strong and level thinking, him, on the other hand isn't doing what I would've hoped he would, it's worrying. Please come back and update.

mathanxiety Tue 25-Feb-14 00:37:36

I also think you sound strong and purposeful, and you are right to wait to see what comes from him.

BUT be prepared to cut your losses if your boundaries are crossed -- do not be tempted to throw away your precious time and energy on the basis that there have been ten good years. The slippery slope has to start somewhere.

BTW, have the clothes been washed, and by whom if so?

The drinking friend is not a friend to your relationship. He has to stop associating with him. I would be interested in hearing what he has to say about continuing to see him and drink with him. If he chooses the friend even though he is aware of how horribly he behaves with him, then I would call it curtains.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 00:21:15

Yeah get the wedding on the back burner.

Alcohol, bereavement, the 'sleep walking' theory... If he wants to try and explain hear him out (if you want) but please don't let him or anyone else try to excuse him hitting you. Because there is no excuse. It's just giving him a thumbs up to do it again. Really.

I'd see the fact you're not married as my chance to get out (potentially) please don't marry him until you genuinely believe that he has taken responsibility and you trust he won't do it again or at least will avoid situations where he might be tempted to do it again.

X

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