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He slapped me

(162 Posts)
feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 00:30:47

Have NC for this.

Last night, my partner of 10 years went out drinking. He came home in such a state, that he fell through the door, ended up smashing his phone, and was playing pinball with the walls. He has never been in such a drunken state like this before.

I told him I had been trying to ring him to find out what time to expect him, and he took his (now smashed up) phone out of his pocket and waved it in my face saying it's dead and so I was lying. I knew for a fact I wasn't, and told him so. He got arsey and then fucked off to bed.

About half an hour later, I went to bed and he woke up. Got up, walked over to the wardrobe, and went on to wee over the clothes. I jumped up telling him to stop and trying to get him to the toilet. He took offence, and flipped at me like I was some evil woman who wouldn't just let him have a wee. He seemed to genuinely not realise wtf he was doing.

Anyway, this was when he turned really nasty. Ranting away at me whilst looking at me with such hatred in his eyes. Because I wouldn't let him return to finish his wee off on the clothes, he slapped me and shoved me out of the way. The slap wasn't that hard, I don't think. I don't recall feeling any pain from it but from the moment I noticed his hand coming towards me, I was instantly shocked. He then returned to the spot and finished his wee.

He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

We have been together for 10 years, got 2 kids and he has never been that drunk before or laid a finger on me. We are meant to be getting married in a few months and I have decided I am at least postponing it. Apart from that, given how he has never hurt me before, is usually always supportive, does more than his fair share around the house and has helped me through so much I don't know what to think. Or do. I feel numb, shocked, and emotionally drained.

I have read so many times that once they have hit you, it only gets worse. But is it really a possibility to start after 10 years?

I don't know what to think sad

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 12:15:06

This

Well if he has no recollection and can offer no explanation for why he assaulted you in your own home, then clearly it is not safe for him to be in that home.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 12:21:34

FWIW, sounds like he was dreaming/sleepwalking.

No it doesn't.

Kick his arse out. Please.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:02:17

I don't believe he was dreaming or sleep walking, he was clearly smashed out his mind and you bore the brunt of it, simple as that.

Bad enough what he did but his dismissal of it is even worse. I'd write down exactly what occurred to him entering the house and show it to him and make him read it in front of you.

I'd not be leaving him but I wouldn't be planning a wedding either. he must take ownership of this, he's verbally and physically abused you, hardly something you should just move on from.

feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:15:19

Thank you everyone for replying. It has definitely confirmed to me what I was thinking, especially with regards to his reaction yesterday after the event. There is no way I can just move on and just forget it happened.

The sleepwalking explanation, I am not sure. Thinking and remembering now, the only one time he has done similar before (but hadn't been out and wasn't drunk), he had awoken and tried to wee on the sofa. I managed to stop him in time and get him around and to the toilet and he wasn't at all aggressive or violent then. So in 10 years, similar thing as happened twice, but when drunk he became violent. I suffer with insomnia so I think I would know whether it happened often.

His friend knows what happened as he could hear me trying to get him to the toilet. He came when he slapped me and tried to deal with him then, but he said he just continued his wee and then got back into bed. I don't know whether this friend of his spoken to him the next day about it, as I rang my friend first thing and she came to collect me (I have no car, and she lives an half hour drive away which is difficult to get to at the best of times with being a village and only has 1 bus that goes there, and I would need to catch two others to get to where that bus is and it only comes every 2 hours or something on a Sunday). So I was up and gone before he was awake.

I do have RL support. My friend yesterday is truly amazing and I don't know where I would of been without her. I also was texting a cousin as I had been on the phone to her when they got home drunk, so she asked me if I was ok and I told her the truth. I am contemplating telling his mother, as she has been like another mum to me but I don't know whether I should be involving her.

Yes, he smashed his phone as he fell through the door.

Thanks for the link to napac. I will definitely take a look once I have a minute to myself. I did block my mother and uncle (which again, I got shit for but I won't have my past broadcasted on fb for all to see!) But I am considering just getting rid of it full stop. I used it as an easy way to keep up with family and friends (I now live over 100 miles away so barely see them) and share photos but I am scared to put anything on there now in case someone else decides to comment on my status and start off a whole new other argument. I had only been joking with my sister about her doing my hair for me when they both jumped into the conversation. And at that point, I was in the bath so hadn't seen it for nearly an hour later so god knows who saw it sad. I am thinking it just best if I do get rid of my page full stop.

We still haven't spoken properly. And he is at work today so will be tonight before we do. He shan't be going anywhere until all the clothes are washed, dried, ironed and put away again! But as Meerka says, I don't feel like I can trust him. Mainly due to his reaction yesterday to his actions. I have no idea how tonight will pan out, but I hope I find some strength from somewhere because right now, I barely have it to keep my eyes open! Have barely slept since.

Got DS2 playing up right now, so will have to go. But I do thank you all for your input.

CailinDana Mon 24-Feb-14 13:16:31

For the relationship to survive I would expect him to replace all the wee covered clothes (not just wash them) and get the carpet professionally cleaned if necessary. I would expect him to give up drinking entirely and never ever touch a drop again. If he had so much as a chocolate liquer he'd be out on his arse. If he refused I'd send him on his way with my hope that he and his one true love, alcohol, were very happy together.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 13:23:01

I think if he ever has another drink knowing that drink makes him violent towards you, then he basically thinks this is OK and something you should put up with.

Cabrinha Mon 24-Feb-14 13:31:38

OK, putting 2+2 together and making 100 here, and I'm only going on what I've read on MN, I am no expert.
But... separate to the violence, you've mentioned living somewhere quite isolated when you have to rely on buses, and being far away from your family.
As you often read on here about abusers deliberately isolating their partners, it did make me raise my eyebrow.

I'm with everyone else: I would even begin to think about how he could make me trust him, if he wasn't absolutely mortified and ashamed. He hit you. He should be scared of what he was capable of, and desperate to apologise to you. Not dismissing it.

Dahlen Mon 24-Feb-14 13:40:22

Like others, I don't feel his behaviour while drunk is anywhere near as significant as his sober behaviour following this incident.

Even allowing for the fact that he might genuinely be so shocked by his own behaviour that he is instantly minimising it (a very human trait), the fact that he hasn't even attempted to clean up the mess he's made, make plans to limit his drinking, and apologise is very very telling.

Good luck for the future OP.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:45:50

U shud have videoed him and then show him just how bad it was.

chrissy74 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:55:58

Once abuse starts it is a slippery slope.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 14:08:14

Hey I'm not defending this guy. It sounds horrific. Getting so drunk that you are pissing on your own clothes and slapping your wife is fucking awful.

But I think like anything you have to look at things in context. In 10 years the husband is supportive, helps around the house and doesn't drink like this normally.

This behaviour is quite at odds with the sober man she knows.

I would definitely speak to his mum to see if he had any history of sleep pissing.

You all don't know my brother but really the idea of him hurting a woman is ridiculous he is as soft as a lamb and his wife testifies to his loveliness. But I've seen him really out of character when we have tried to wake him. V scary. He would shout and push and he is over 6 ft so he could really hurt you.

This guy had been in a dream state when he slapped the OP. It is not his normal state.

And yeah, I agree that his lack of grovelling is strange. He should be doing all he can to make up for such awful behaviour.

I don't have any experience of dv and I don't see things through that prism. And I accept that I may be wrong and this guy has been hiding his abusive nature under cover of a decent guy for 10 years and now knowing that they are getting married has decided to let his mask slip and show his true self. But I think this pretty unlikely.

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 14:26:26

I don't have much advice but just wanna say I hope you're ok op, you must be very shaken after something like that.

I would generally forgive most things once but he really needs to start doing some serious grovelling! I also would tend to believe the sleepwalking thing! There is no way he couldn't possibly be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

My ExH raised his hand to me once when drunk (dark spirits were NOT his friend)
I told him if he even tried I'd be gone with DD. He didn't actually hit me - but the fact he even thought about it was enough.
He didn't remember it the next day but it has never left my mind.
We stayed together for a while but for me, it was always that bit different. That I thought he loved me and would protect me no matter what, then he turned and became someone that might hurt me - physically in fact.
It just wasn't the same again.
That's what you need to think about.
You maybe can try to forgive him but if you never forget and your feelings have changed towards him then it just won't last.
And like others, I cannot believe he hasn't washed the clothes.
That is just disrespectful on all kinds of levels.
Let us all know how it goes tonight.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 15:04:16

Rainbow, the main problem is what he is doing now that he's sober.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:12:31

She's not going to LTB so no point in folk telling her to do so. OP, write it all down seriously, it will have a bigger impact than you telling him as he might think you are exaggerating it. When he sees it down on paper and reads it hopefully that will give him the kick up the arse that he needs. Yes, he probably is in denial and not wanting to face up to it but how does that help you or get over the fact he's verbally and physically abused you, it doesn't even come close. He needs to face up to what he's done.

Bullet point every action one by one.....

LiberalLibertine Mon 24-Feb-14 15:13:24

Yes, rainbows,I could (possibly) buy all that, but he gives not one fuck now he's sober.

I'm the irresponsible one in our house, and if I'd done any of that, I'd be Mortified.

The fact he's not and is instead trying to make out op is overreacting is worrying.

FreakinScaryCaaw Mon 24-Feb-14 15:26:26

Has this friend suddenly become single? Seems odd he's hanging out with him more?

Sorry to hear this OP. He doesn't sound very remorseful sadly?

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 15:26:34

She's not going to LTB so no point in folk telling her to do so.

I'd think the opposite. If she was, then there would be no point. smile
It's always worth remembering that LTB is a viable, and often desirable, course of action.

I have also grown quite wary of coaching partners into acting like good partners would. He's not a child. He should know what he did was wrong. He should be apologetic and cleaning his own mess. Like a responsible adult.
He should not need to see it written down.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:39:23

Just so sick of reading LTB, believe it or not but peeps do have relationship problems, in fact most of us do, when they are few and far between you'd much rather stay and work it out than pack a bag, a bag packed to where-nobody knows.

He should see it written down, it will be there permanently for him or her to refer to.

Dahlen Mon 24-Feb-14 15:49:16

There are relationship problems and then there's physically assaulting your wife.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:05:31

I know Dahlen, nobody is condoning his behaviour for one second, it's disgusting, the OP still isn't going to LTB. This is one incident in 10 years, hardly in his character, think it's more a case of he needs to stay away from alcohol.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 16:07:38

But he won't stay away from alcohol if he doesn't own up to what he did and make it better for the OP.

I agree that the OP is not likely to leave. Few people do in the first instances. But she should know that it is a valid option. That she doesn't have to stay. Particularly if he doesn't do anything on the way of preventing further events, or making up to her.

IWroteToTheZoo Mon 24-Feb-14 16:13:54

For what it's worth, my ex partner would occasionally sleepwalk after he'd been drinking and wee in the corner or in the wardrobe. It happened on three or four occasions over 15 years. He was impossible to wake up and acted very confused when he did it, and would have no memory of it in the morning. However, he was never angry or violent in that state.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:18:29

I think the OP knows she can leave if she wants to, she's not asking for an exit strategy here though.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 16:21:42

I am not seeing that he doesn't give a fuck. He had apologised. The OP left (understandably) before he got up yesterday and he has been at work today. They haven't talked properly about it so it is just speculation re his not giving a fuck.

If he is not used to drinking like that then he will have been a physical wreck yesterday which may explain the lack of washing of the clothes.

He had blacked out. He has no recollection of events. He may find it hard to believe he could behave like that. My money is on the full realisation of what he had done hitting him today. I think the OP could expect some grovelling tonight.

I am just going to be honest and say this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. If he had shown any violent aggressive tendencies over the last 10 years I would be thinking differently. But if it's an isolated incident then I'd put it down to alcohol and dream state. I'd want some reassurance re no more drinking but I'd put it in perspective.

But I also know that if I were op I'd be furious right now and I'm not sure I'd be helped by people encouraging my fury.

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