He slapped me

[feelingnumb88]

Have NC for this.

Last night, my partner of 10 years went out drinking. He came home in such a state, that he fell through the door, ended up smashing his phone, and was playing pinball with the walls. He has never been in such a drunken state like this before.

I told him I had been trying to ring him to find out what time to expect him, and he took his (now smashed up) phone out of his pocket and waved it in my face saying it's dead and so I was lying. I knew for a fact I wasn't, and told him so. He got arsey and then fucked off to bed.

About half an hour later, I went to bed and he woke up. Got up, walked over to the wardrobe, and went on to wee over the clothes. I jumped up telling him to stop and trying to get him to the toilet. He took offence, and flipped at me like I was some evil woman who wouldn't just let him have a wee. He seemed to genuinely not realise wtf he was doing.

Anyway, this was when he turned really nasty. Ranting away at me whilst looking at me with such hatred in his eyes. Because I wouldn't let him return to finish his wee off on the clothes, he slapped me and shoved me out of the way. The slap wasn't that hard, I don't think. I don't recall feeling any pain from it but from the moment I noticed his hand coming towards me, I was instantly shocked. He then returned to the spot and finished his wee.

He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

We have been together for 10 years, got 2 kids and he has never been that drunk before or laid a finger on me. We are meant to be getting married in a few months and I have decided I am at least postponing it. Apart from that, given how he has never hurt me before, is usually always supportive, does more than his fair share around the house and has helped me through so much I don't know what to think. Or do. I feel numb, shocked, and emotionally drained.

I have read so many times that once they have hit you, it only gets worse. But is it really a possibility to start after 10 years?

I don't know what to think

[StupidMistakes]

I am sorry this has happened to you. I am afraid it isn't unheard of for an abusive person to wait until they are married to you to begin their abuse. Once you are married you see they have more control because its not as simple as leaving, you also have to deal with a divorce too. Its also not uncommon for them to deny any knowledge of doing it, my ex husband would do this a lot, be shocked by my injuries and claim to have no memory of it. however he knew what the combination of alcohol and cocaine done to him, and still chose the alcohol and drugs over me. He became addicted to cocaine and over a period of years got worse, including stabbing me. In the end I left and no longer have any contact with him.

It is a slippery road, and will depend upon whether he is going to take measures to make sure it never happens again, and you need to make sure you make it perfectly clear if any abuse ever happens again you will leave and not look back.

(((hugs))) because I don't doubt you need them,

[feelingnumb88]

Oh my god, that sounds awful! I am so sorry to hear you went through that!

Thank you for the hugs. You are right, I could do with plenty right now. And it is usually him I turn to for them, but I can't this time

If I do stay, I will be making him aware of the fact that he has to earn my trust back. That what he did, drunk or not, was completely unacceptable and he has hurt me not just physically, but emotionally too. He has tainted what I thought we had. And there is no way I am going through with the wedding until I know he accepts fault, and puts measures in place to make sure it doesn't happen again. And that it hasn't happened again. I won't live a life being scared of him coming home from a night out, as I refuse to ban him. He is an adult and I should be able to trust him to go out, drink responsibly, and not come home being an arse!

I just don't know whether it is wise to even give him another chance. I suffered abuse as a child, and thought I was free from that. I don't want to be caught in that vicious cycle again.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

It sounds utterly horrible. It also, FWIW, sounds like he was dreaming/sleepwalking.

What I find most upsetting about it, though, is his reaction. Not "I am so sorry, that must have been horrible, I'm mortified, I mustn't get that drunk again" but "OMG that's gross but I was drunk so you can't blame me so stop going on about it".

Is he generally dismissive of your feelings? Has he done the required laundry or is that your job?

[feelingnumb88]

He isn't generally that dismissive, no. I think that is what is bothering me the most. He is always there for me usually, listening and comforting me because due to my past and a strained relationship with my family, there is always something going on which brings me a lot of upset/stress.

For example, my Uncle decided to have a row with my mother, on my Facebook page, not long ago, broadcasting the fact that she "sat back and watched her husband abuse her kids". That caused world war 100 within the family and it is always me that has to deal with it and sort it out, whilst getting the shit. I was even subject to victim blaming at the time which really hurt. But my partner was there for me, backed me up, comforted me and was my rock. As always. This is why I am so confused because it is like he has changed into someone else in one night! After 10 years!

[feelingnumb88]

Oh and I told him he is cleaning the clothes. There is no way I am doing it! He said he would, but he still hasn't

[MistressDeeCee]

If he is capable of slapping you and weeing all over your clothes then it doesnt bode well. Its a side of him you are aware of now and it will happen again, to varying degrees. Id also be really concerned about his 'move on from it' attitude as that suggests its a minor digression and it isnt. Not at all. I have a mind you'd be shocked if a relative or good friend told you her OP had behaved like that, and rightly so - its distasteful behaviour and thats a mild description of it. You're right to postpone wedding. You've said he's been supportive in the past and thats a good thing, but that doesn't cancel out your expectation of a good future with him. Its not ok to behave badly, just because you've been good in the past. Hope you're feeling better soon.

[Wheelerdeeler]

I'd be asking what he was drinking that changed his personality so much.

[feelingnumb88]

Yes, I know you are right Mistress

According to his mate who also came home with him, he had drank about 10 pints, don't know how many shots of double vodka and also was drinking whisky on its own. It isn't like him to mix drinks at all, but to be downing spirits, and doubles, it is no wonder he was so gone. He was incredibly irresponsible with his drinking. Usually he never has more than 4-6 pints, so I have no idea what got into him

But, this mate is a drinker. And he has started hanging out with him more lately. I am wondering whether it is down to that, as his mate blamed himself but as I said to him, my partner is his own man, with his own mind knowing full well he had responsibilities at home. No one held a gun to his head. He chose to drink irresponsibly and look what happened. But all I got told was how much my partner loves me, he didn't mean it and that he is a great bloke. He soon shut up when I asked whether a great bloke hits his partner who he is meant to love!

[Jolleigh]

Jesus, not a good situation at all! His truly appalling behaviour though is the fact that he's reacting to it with anything other than utter shame. He knows this incident is the reason you've postponed the wedding right? If he continues with his dismissive attitude then I'd personally say you need to spell out in a way he can't talk it into insignificance. Say something along the lines of "you slapped your fiance in the face then pissed in the wardrobe and somehow you don't see that as being something you should be ashamed of".

[MistressDeeCee]

feelingnumb88 yes, your partner is his own man. His mate interceding for him is pointless in the extreme. Its his disrespect of you and his dismissiveness of an appalling incident, thats worrying. Lots of people like a drink, at times to the point of getting tipsy or drunk; but lots of people DONT react to that by hitting others and nastiness. Including urinating on your clothes..? But ultimately its about how you feel now - do you have anyone in RL you can/have discussed this with? Think very carefully about marrying him. If there is any way at all you can come back from this, then he needs to reassure you 100% and not just with words, that this kind of thing is never going to be a feature in your life again. If this is the 1st time its ever happened then perhaps there's a reason for him getting blind drunk. Whatever it is though, it doesnt excuse what he's done at all. I wouldnt blame you for putting marriage on hold for a few years, tbh..you need to know exactly what this man is about not least for your own safety and that of your children.

Im a great believer that people can hide their real face from you for years..but the time will come when you will see who they really are.

[Lweji]

Regardless of how he behaved when drunk, his dismissiveness and not washing the clothes to fix the problem are the reg flags for me.
A good man would have been shocked and would have sorted it.

You should not be making him aware of what he needs to do for you to agree to marry him. He should be aware already.

I am so sorry, but I do think you should leave him.

And yes, it can happen after 10 years. It did get unbearable with exH after over 10 years.

[mathanxiety]

He didn't tell his mate he hit you. He needs to own that.

Ask him to leave, after he has cleaned the clothes.

I do not think you should go through with the wedding. Sorry.

[mathanxiety]

Missed the bit where the clothes still haven't been washed.

This is huge. He is testing you and refusing to be accountable to you for behaviour that was really terrible.

Tell him he has to get out. If you back down on this he will treat you like dirt for ever more.

[MistressDeeCee]

I was about to ask who washed the clothes (it should be him). I didnt realise they hadnt been washed. How filthy...he wants you to 'move on' while those clothes are lying there stinking of piss. Ultimate disrespect, absolutely filthy behaviour. I dont know what more to say apart from, you sound too good for him OP.

[Pinter]

Has he said what he intends to do to earn your trust back?
Definitely wedding off for now

Does he realise how serious this is?

Sorry it happened

[Meerka]

he did this?

then he has a 'move on from it' attitude and hasn't washed the clothes?

Im afraid your better instincts are right, numb. He's choosing to hang round with this bloke and he's choosing to believe it's ok to act as he did - becuase he's not taking steps to make it better.

I'm very sorry for you and your children but it appears to be a fairly hopeless situation. The original incident is awful but his attitude makes it irretrievable. Unless something makes him realise how bad it is, and he actually cares enough to change his approach. From what you say, Im not sure he does care enough. :/

[rainbowsmiles]

Does he have a history of sleep walking. If this is totally out of character only. My brother used to sleep walk. Part of sleep walking included peeing in cupboards or one particularly awful night all over the telly while I was watching it!!!

If you tried to wake him up he would be really aggressive. My brother is a total mild mannered janitor. When he began drinking and would get wrecked and do the same thing. He is about as far from violent you could get and was excruciatingly embarrassed the next day. Unsurprisingly doesn't drink much.

I could see him doing this but it would not be indicative of anything more than a sleep disorder.

[Meerka]

even so, before he went to bed he was abusive rainbow, smashing his phone, being aggressive. Also even if he was sleep walking, the fact he's dismissing his behaviour the next day and not trying to fix the damage is really a bad sign.

[rainbowsmiles]

Well he was only arsey before the wee incident. Think we've all been an arsey drunk before. It just sounds so similar to my brothers sleep walking it is uncanny. I am never scared of my brother but I was when he was sleep walking.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would cancel, not postpone, the wedding and ask this man to move out of the house. He should have no second chance.

You need time and space apart to think about what you want out of a relationship.

I would also contact NAPAC //www.napac.org.uk if you have never spoken to anyone about the abuse you suffered in childhood.

I would also now bar both your uncle and mother from your FB page if you have not already done so; infact I would look into removing yourself from FB altogether. Its a great tool for misuse and these people have certainly sullied your page. You do not have to play your assigned role to them of peacemaker or referee with that lot.

[rainbowsmiles]

And I took it that he bashed his phone while falling about cos he was so pissed.

I'm not defending the level of drunkeness, I'd be having words with my dh re this alone.

But in 10 years if there has never been an inkling of violence or this kind of attitude??

I'm not saying he isn't an abusive drunken arse. I'm just sharing a "what else could this mean"because the description of events was so familiar.

[Joysmum]

How he was when drunk is bad enough, but his utter disregard for your feelings now he isn't is far more serious in my opinion.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

Well if he has no recollection and can offer no explanation for why he assaulted you in your own home, then clearly it is not safe for him to be in that home.

You can't have a man who might hit you, or other members of the family, and who has no idea why it happened, around. It's just too risky.

He thinks that because HE doesn't remember it, that YOU should forget it.

You should not.

If he had spent the following day cleaning up the pissy clothes, and if he had decided that he was never going to drink another drop in his life, then maybe it would have been worth staying with him.

But his reaction tells you that he thinks what he did was basically OK.

[Meerka]

it -is- odd that he behaves like this now after ten trouble free and actually very supportive years yeah rainbow. If it really was a one-off then I'd be inclined to raise hell about it but not let it permanently scar the relationship too much.

It's that he's dismissing it now and leaving the urine-stained clothing unwashed. That to me is a major problem. Also that he acted like this when there were children in the house. if it was sleep walking, what might he do next time? specially if one of them hears him being aggressive and gets up and Daddy is violent?

If he was saying he's terribly sorry, picking up the pieces after himself and promising never to go out with this friend again, that might be a different matter, though it would still be pretty damaging to the relationship. It would depend if numb felt she could trust him again. As it is, I don't think she can :/

It really is odd if he's been so supportive til now.

[Lweji]

This

Well if he has no recollection and can offer no explanation for why he assaulted you in your own home, then clearly it is not safe for him to be in that home.