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Is this a red flag?

(36 Posts)
Doratheexplorersboots Thu 20-Feb-14 07:05:24

Found myself a bit shock last night when DP (not DCs dad, but we all live together) said that I should 'keep them quiet in the mornings as he needs his sleep before work'. I was just a little taken aback..it prompted a discussion with me questioning whether this set up is too much for him in that, in my mind, kids around = incredibly limited sleep for a good few years.
Wouldn't mind if it was a one off but it's every morning.
Saying that, they are my kids so I do get the fact that of course they are more my responsibility to sort out, perhaps.
But as for keeping them quiet?!! Every day before school/nursery and weekends, WTF!

He says he needs his sleep. I know how crucial sleep is if you're one of those people that really needs a good am

whydidthishappen Thu 20-Feb-14 07:07:09

Is it your house/apartment?

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 20-Feb-14 07:10:36

I'd say that depends on whether they are making a huge row at 5am (not ok in my book) or clinking breakfast spoons at 7am.

He is probably adjusting to family life, where the rest of you are used to it, BUT this is where he learns he is not master of the universe.

He needs to opt in to family life, or not.

Difficult.

How long has he lived with you?
Is he talking about time between for example 6 and 7am before he goes to work, or does he expect you to keep them quiet so he can have a lie in? If your children get up really early and he's asking for a bit of consideration so he can geta full night sleep, maybe not a red flag, but definitely unrealistic. If he wants them sat downstairs in silence while they get ready for school or on a weekend then he's out of order.
He sounds selfish and unrealistic about the reality of living with kids tbh.

Doratheexplorersboots Thu 20-Feb-14 07:11:16

Pressed too soon!
*amount (I love me sleep too, just have resigned myself to the fact I will be tired for the next few years..)

He is good in other ways, engaging with them, nursery pick ups.
So..what do you think? Thanks smile

superstarheartbreaker Thu 20-Feb-14 07:12:06

Not a major red flag tbh...just a lack of awareness and experience. Tbh I think most if us feel the same way as your dp but know it isnt going to happen til lids ate older.
It depends on if and how he enforces this however.

Doratheexplorersboots Thu 20-Feb-14 07:17:30

Thanks for the replies, we jointly rent. Have officially lived together for 6 months, but he used to stay over at mine a lot for a few months before we moved.

DC generally are good sleepers, they usually get up at 6.50 on the dot which is about right as we leave the house an hour later. The noise is general breakfast bits etc, they're a little noisy, 2 girls and they like singing (at the moment it's songs from Frozen!)..I just hate schushing them every morning, then I don't see them all day, I don't know.

DevonFolk Thu 20-Feb-14 07:19:06

I wouldn't get too worried just yet (although it depends a little on how long he's lived with you).

My bf is very honest about not wanting to move in/stay too often when DD's around because she's an early riser. Frankly I don't blame him.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 20-Feb-14 07:20:46

Noise, virtually any noise, in a family from 06.50 is normal.

whydidthishappen Thu 20-Feb-14 07:24:30

I wouldn't be hushing up my well-behaved children for anybody.

But that's just me...

Doratheexplorersboots Thu 20-Feb-14 07:27:09

It's reassuring to know maybe how he feels strikes a chord with others and erm well I can be a little sensitive. He was jut a little grumpy last night and was a little demanding about it (saying that his feelings aren't considered in general..).
What I find difficult is getting the balance right between considering someone's feelings In a loving way and pandering to someone who is controlling and demanding..does that make any sense?!!

ChasedByBees Thu 20-Feb-14 07:28:25

That is normal noise. He is being unrealistic and will have to get used to it - he can go to bed earlier. If he can't get used to it, in your situation I'd probably have to rethink the living together.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Thu 20-Feb-14 07:31:30

I agree with the consensus.

If its children just being children, singing and chatting etc then HIBU and should invest in eat plugs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Feb-14 07:35:43

What you tell him is that you'll keep them quiet half the mornings of the week when he keeps them quiet the other half.... hmm We all need sleep and I'm sure you'd like a lie in? If he's your partner rather than some casual boyfriend they are our children, not yours alone. You are a family so responsibility is shared. So don't let him cast himself in the role of 'The Big Important Man who Must Not Be Disturbed'.... because next it'll be 'keep your children quiet when I'm watching TV' or 'sort your children out because I can't deal with them'.

Slippery slope.

Umm no. 7 onwards is morning and active time in a house with kids. It would be completely unreasonable to try to keep them quiet. He's being a knob.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Feb-14 07:37:55

And, to answer the question directly, entitled behaviour... assuming he deserves special treatment.... is a red flag.

LastingLight Thu 20-Feb-14 07:40:54

Get him earplugs.

DevonFolk Thu 20-Feb-14 07:44:22

Sorry, my typing was slow blush

7:00 really isn't early for normal getting up noise. I was thinking more along the lines of 5:00 which is my standard.

Lavenderhoney Thu 20-Feb-14 07:47:25

Noise is normal with small children and I wouldn't be hushing mine tbh. He should go to bed earlier if he is tired,

He must have known - has he moaned before or is this a new thing?

Your dd sound very sweet and happy in the morning. Personally I wouldn't be happy with them creeping about in case of waking your boyfriend. What will he do if they continue to be children in the morning?

pictish Thu 20-Feb-14 07:50:39

I agree with the others. He chose to be in a relationship and live with someone with kids, and what you describe comes along with the territory.
I don't know if he's being controlling so much as unrealistic though.
Maybe he doesn't quite realise that kids don't come with a mute button, and thinks it's that simple to just say 'be quiet'.

He is bu. If he wants silence in the mornings, I suggest he moves out to somewhere there are no children.

TeenyW123 Thu 20-Feb-14 07:59:52

Tell him to go to bed an hour earlier, then he can join in with the singing in the morning because he'll have had an extra hour any way!

Sounds a bit entitled to me. Why shush the girls when they ALWAYS get up at 6.50. It would be easier if DP adapted to your already established routine than everyone else changing to suit him.

But not necessarily a red flag if you can nip it in the bud now.

GhettoPrincess001 Thu 20-Feb-14 08:02:19

I agree with Cogito............slippery slope

What happens when it escalates to, 'keep those damn kids quiet' and you all live in fear of him ?

purpleroses Thu 20-Feb-14 08:06:40

I would offer to make sure I shut the bedroom door tight, and also the kitchen door if they are making a loud noise over breakfast (eg singing). But I'd feel the same as you that I wouldn't want them to feel they had to tiptoe round the house every morning because your DP was still in bed.

We have a similar set up to you in the week - I get up with my DCs and sort out breakfast. My DP gets up earlier than us all most days as he commutes to work so leaves early - and tries to do this quietly so as not to wake us. One day a week he works from home so has a lie in. I keep doors shut between our room and DCs where possible but he does have to endure DD's clarinet practice at 8am each day.

l would be concerned about this as well.

BTW it seems that he moved in with you?.

This comment of yours too is also worrying:-

"What I find difficult is getting the balance right between considering someone's feelings In a loving way and pandering to someone who is controlling and demanding..does that make any sense?!!"

MairzyDoats Thu 20-Feb-14 08:12:51

What time does he get up for work, is he a shift worker? IMO if he's moved in with you to be part of your family then he should be getting up when the family does - why does he deserve a lie in every day?

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