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The reason your DH had an affair was because you didn't have sex enough

(181 Posts)
PTFsWife Wed 19-Feb-14 18:19:59

I just need to write this down to get it off my chest more than anything because if not, it will fester and not end well.

So my husband had an affair last year, which I have written about on here. We are working together to get though it and make our marriage stronger. We have had counselling individually and jointly and basically it is all moving in the right direction. He is trying very hard and if there can ever be a 'good' outcome of an affair, I think we have it in that our marriage is better than it was before because we are both more committed to fixing it.

Several of my friends (and family) knows about the affair. One friend also knows (as I confided to her drunkenly last year) that my husband and I had only had sex twice in the last year. As it turns out, our sex life had been an issue for years (since the arrival of kids) but it had been improving just about the same time that he started his affair ironically.

So I was chatting to my friend today about our marriage and mentioned that although things were better and we were working hard to work through issues - and have even managed to have sex a few times which was a big deal for me given what he had done - sex was still irregular in our house and I wasn't sure if that was due to the affair or more of a continuation of our previous sexless marriage.

And my friend then said: 'The reason he had the affair is because you didn't have sex often enough. Men need sex. Do not underestimate that. You have to have sex more often, even if you don't feel like it, you just have to. The more you have it, the more you will want to and the better it will be.' This was meant as well meaning advice - not to be hurtful.

I understand her thinking because that is exactly the reason I believe he had an affair - he got attention from someone and got to have sex. He knows it was a monumental mistake and is immensely sorry.

The reason this has upset me is that my friend's attitude - and it's probably an attitude shared by many people - is that I am partly to blame for my husband's affair because I wasn't having sex with him enough. Even if they don't say it, it's what they think.

I know that it probably helped contribute to it, but I have always refused to accept responsibility for him having an affair. He doesn't expect me to either. He blames himself for his actions entirely. But I know that there are others out there who think like my friend i.e. that I obviously wasn't keeping my man satisfied so he had to look elsewhere. And that pisses me off and makes me deeply sad at the same time.

Thank you for reading this diatribe. I'm not really looking for answers - I just needed get it down and out of me.

Offred I think you've done very well under all of the attacks you've had! I also found your words very articulate and valuable. thanks

rainbowsmiles Sun 23-Feb-14 11:28:03

Offred your arguments have been excellent. I'm glad someone can be bothered to argue with such clarity. It must feel like banging your head off a wall at times.

rainbowsmiles Sun 23-Feb-14 11:28:39

Oh and op good luck.

Offred Sun 23-Feb-14 12:51:16

Thanks guys. Wish you well ptf. Recovering from affairs is always difficult, but not impossible. I hope whatever happens you're happy in the end!

beachside Tue 25-Feb-14 23:08:19

In my experience it's not only about sex, it's about connecting. Relationships can lose their spark, their joy, for a variety of reasons, tiredness from kids, pressure of work, money worries, or just simply boredom.

So then when one partner has been grumbled at, after a long hard day at work, ''you never help me wash the car, hoover the lawn, cut the carpet, water the kids - whatever' then the idea of sex drops off the radar a bit.

Then there's the slobby, but oh so wonderfully comfy and relaxing after a busy day, trackies, the not bothering to shave ones legs (or chin), well, it's Wednesday and nothing ever happens on a Wednesday does it> Oh look Dancing with the Stars is on...

And gradually, one, or both partners begin to feel less cared for, less wanted, less desired, and before you know it, that new guy at work, well, he really did smile at me just then, did't he? Or that girl who works at the newsagent, she's always saying Hello in a special way - isn't she?

Thats how affairs start. A simple smile. The idea of someone being interested in you, not just for cooking / cleaning / paying the bills / fixing the leaking toilet / earning a wage / whatever, but you as a person.

And as for Phal declaring men can control themselves but women are sexual beings - wtf?? Pfffttt!

And Scarlett claiming he gave himself permission to have an affair, they should go back further and investigate - WHY did he grant himself permission, was it because he felt a disconnect?

It all goes back to basics - talk. Communicate. You both nee to put effort in. Work at your relationship. Develop tolerance. Find a middle ground. Have date nights. Remember why you fell in love in the first place.

ormirian Thu 27-Feb-14 14:25:11

No sex is a symptom of something else more important. Finding and fixing that is the priority. You were both responsible for the failure to do that. But I know how it can be....life gets in the way, tiredness and stress take their toll and people can fail to realise how important it is to keep in touch emotionally and sensually with each other while the world carries on turning around them.

He had an affair because he wanted to. That is it. Full stop. It wasn't carelessness or an accident, he made deliberate decisions to do something fundamentally damaging and selfish.

I am glad he isn't blaming you. Your friend is a simplistic fool.

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