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Suspicious DH wants to (or has?) visited a prostitute??!

(92 Posts)
crossupton Wed 19-Feb-14 12:01:42

Question: I have become suspicious that DH may have visited a prostitute but have no proof and am now wondering if I'm just being paranoid?

Background
---

Family life: Have been married to DH for almost 5 years and have a DS who is nearly 4 years old. Very happy family life and we all get along very well with each other and our extended families.

Communication: DH and I are able to talk about everything. I don't even mind him watching porn and have watched the more sensual material with him. I think I'm very liberal and when he's away on extended trips I am fine with him self-pleasuring (sorry if that's too explicit?).

Sex life: Very good though maybe not as active or adventuress as it once was but I think that's normal as time goes on. We have very compatible sex drives and are well suited.

DH was away at a conference (does this often as he's an academic) and phoned me quite excitedly to tell me that a woman had tried to flirt with him at the hotel bar. His ego was inflated and we both had a little laugh about his attractiveness (all good natured).

Then about an hour later he phoned me up to say his colleague had told him that the woman flirting with him was actually a prostitute. He sounded both embarrassed and proud at the same time in the sense that he must look like he has a lot of money. Anyway, we both had a laugh about it.

Fast forward a few weeks and I'm on his laptop to quickly check my email but when I open it, it opens to the last page he browsed, which was a pornographic video called "Tonight's Girlfriend" which is about about a prostitute visiting a man in his hotel room.

I asked him about it and he said that ever since he'd met a real life one he'd started looking a videos for that sort of scenario. He was very open about it. We then, very casually, started talking about fantasies, and he asked me if one time I'd be wiling to role-play a prostitute for him.

Before his encounter at the hotel, I would've thought nothing of it and done it but now it's like he wants me to be the woman he met? I asked if he had ever visited a prostitute and he said that he had not but that when we was single he had thought about it. He has worked on a national sex project and says that he is referring only to those who consent, not the ones who are forced against their will to do it.

He then tells me that he has friends who've visited prostitutes but he wouldn't say who claiming that was not his secret to reveal. I asked if they were married friends and he said some were. I was a bit shocked because I know all his friends and all of them are good guys as far as I can tell.

And now I'm thinking that if he has friends who have visited prositiutes, and he's watching porn about it, and fantasing about it, does that mean that he has in the past, or wants to in the future, visit them?

I've put all this to him and he says I'm being paranoid and that if he was going to cheat he wouldn't be so open about it now would he? He has said that as it's worrying me that he wouldn't ask me to do the role-play and that he'd do his best to stop looking at that type of porn too but would let me know if he did.

He has twice told me that he has looked at that porn since but that he is trying to stop. He says he has no wish to ever cheat on me.

Sorry that this post is so long, I just wish I could stop thinking about this... maybe if he was being secretive I would feel less guilty about my suspicions but he's just so open about everything with me, it makes me feel silly.

It sounds as though you have a good open honest relationship to me. I'm not sure I'd share some of my fantasies with DH.

FolkGirl Wed 19-Feb-14 12:06:43

"Trying to stop"?

Do, or do not. There is no try.

I would have a big problem with all of this.

FolkGirl Wed 19-Feb-14 12:08:43

Sorry, not all of it. Him being approached, I'd be fine with. Discovering she was a prostitute, I'd probably be ok with. Although, assuming he wears a wedding ring, I'd think she was also a dirty tramp for approaching any married man.

But if he had started looking at porn on the basis of it, that I'd have a problem with.

And the saying he's 'trying' to stop.

GemmaPomPom Wed 19-Feb-14 12:10:31

I would also have a problem with this FolkGirl, but I have to say I believe him. I think if he had done it, he wouldn't be fantasising about it because he would be feeling too guilty.

FolkGirl Wed 19-Feb-14 12:12:10

Yes, I think I believe that he hasn't.

But I wouldn't be convinced that he wouldn't.

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:16:01

It is a bit worrying isn't it, almost like he's become a wee bit obsessed with doing it with a prostitute, that. and the fact he's away a lot in hotel rooms and this is his ideal fantasy setting, you're right to be concerned.

I would also be concerned about his use of porn but I'm a bit old fashioned, if you're in a loving, sexual relationship then why would you have the need to get your rocks off looking at porn sites. Now and again use is fine yes but I certainly wouldn't be happy if he was using it whilst having sex with me.

crossupton Wed 19-Feb-14 12:51:31

@NoArmaniNoPunani: It took years to get to a place where we both felt we could share everything of this nature with one another without the fear of rejection.

@FolkGirl: When I asked why he'd looked at it when we had both agreed that he wouldn't, he said that it wasn't intentional as he didn't realise until he got the gist of the storyline. However he admitted that he didn't immediately stop watching and he felt ashamed of that which was why he told me (I wouldn't have known otherwise). He does wear a wedding ring.

@Jan45: It's mostly for when he's away for lengthy periods of time. I don't mind porn as long as it is nothing extreme and we have an agreement on what is and is not acceptable. It's not until this fantasy of his that I have ever had a problem with it.

If I'm being honest, it's not the porn thing that bothers me. It's the fact that:

(1) he has friends, good friends, who have visited prostitutes, which means that they've cheated on their families

(2) he won't tell me who these so-called friends are (and he won't stop being mates with them though he claims to disprove of what they've done)

(3) he asked me to do a role-play of being a prostitute based on an actual meeting, meaning, he's fantasised about her specifically rather than someone fictional.

GemmaPomPom Wed 19-Feb-14 13:03:31

I would sulk until he told me who the friends are. I don't actually believe they exist, I just think he is trying to justify it to himself and to you.

cricketnut77 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:08:36

Hi there Cross,

He sounds quite open and honest , perhaps too honest in a way. From a male point of view I have friends who I know have visited prostitutes (all abroad) and I wouldnt dream of telling my wife about them. I too dislike what they have done, mainly its the drunken stag do thing but thats no excuse. But mainly I although I trust my wife she would be disgusted and she would find it hard not to tell my mates wife or girlfriend. There is a form of what happens on tour stays on tour, mentally that most blokes respect. So I wouldnt blame him for that.
The role play thing is a different but I would would talk to him why he likes that scenario - it sounds like you have a refreshingly open verbal relationship which is good. If he was seeing prostitutes I'd be amazed he would be telling you about these fantasies.

crossupton Wed 19-Feb-14 13:10:15

@GemmaPomPom: Yes, I have been doing that. I've even forced a few arguments about it. I do believe they exist because he hasn't budged from his position one bit.

This is the only thing he has kept from me and I don't like that. He says it's not his secret to reveal, and even if I can understand that, I don't understand why he won't stop being mates with them.

GemmaPomPom Wed 19-Feb-14 13:11:39

I think it would be unreasonable for you to expect him not to be mates with them. If that is your position, then that explains why he wouldn't tell you.

stopprojecting Wed 19-Feb-14 13:14:08

This reminds me of something a therapist said about how after a while in a marriage a bit of roleplay can keep things alive - couples book hotel rooms and act out their fantasies etc. I think that's honestly what he's hoping for, but not with a prostitute, with you. I wouldn't worry.

cricketnut77 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:15:34

Its like the mafia with most blokes, never rat on your friends and keep your mouth shut.
He's fucked up by telling you this, I bet he wishes he hadnt now.

shadylane Wed 19-Feb-14 13:16:32

I think he sounds open and honest. You can't have a problem with people's fantasies, you just have to trust him. If you don't have a problem with him looking at porn don't understand why you'd mind a prostitute fantasy. It might be fun to do a ''pretty woman'. Bugger what his friends are doing- that's really none of your business. It sounds like a great marriage if you can talk about all this.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:16:58

He has worked on a national sex project hmm

Sounds like he's got a bit turned on/curious about the whole scenario. But I'm not sure telling you about his friends doing it is helpful... that's just going to wind you up. Seems very unfair.

I think there is an honesty (hear me out) about using a prostitute as apposed to having an affair - if I had the choice of my DP doing one or the other (in some kind of crazy sick game show, haha). It's a transaction for a service (as cold as that may sound) and not a relationship, etc. Maybe it's that - the bish-bash-bosh of it with no-strings that he's seeing as exciting etc rather than actually wanting to do it.

Being flattered that the prostitute thought he had money makes him sound a bit naive tbh. I think likelihood is he'll be into something else soon and you'll be dressing up as a pirates wench or something... sound like he's very imaginative! :-)

Saying you're paranoid when he's involved you in this fantasy after having an opportunity to go with a prostitute and knowing he works away is very selfish and short sighted of him as well. BUT at least he's not kept it all secret and hidden... which I guess is a good thing?

SaucyJack Wed 19-Feb-14 13:21:26

I don't think you need to worry about him having visited a prostitute. I think it's just a fantasy that has sprung up on him uninvited after meeting the woman in the bar and he's possibly over-shared a little.

Maybe you should try some role-play if you're comfortable with it. You may as well have your fun out of it too.

shadylane Wed 19-Feb-14 13:21:32

Have you never fantasised about something you wouldn't want to tell anyone? He is actually telling you ad that's refreshing. Most guys would fantasise about one off sex with a hot stranger even of they never intended to try and act out the fantasy. It's not like he's fantasising about something really gross or weird.

InPursuitOfOblivion Wed 19-Feb-14 13:51:38

I'm inclined to believe him. Sounds like you have a refreshingly honest and open relationship.

crossupton Wed 19-Feb-14 13:54:08

@cricketnut77: I know the concensus on this thread seems to be that the 'friends' thing should be a non-issue or at least not something I should worry about. From a man's perspective, I am curious, why would you want to be friends with a man who has cheated on his family? I don't mean that as an attack, it's just that I can't get my head around this. Again, not an attack.

@GemmaPomPom: Yes, I have now come to the same conclusion as to that being the reason he won't tell me who they are.

@stopprojecting: I'm trying not to worry. I know he wants me but I am worried if the role-play isn't enough.

@cricketnut77: I asked him if he regretted telling me and he says no because he didn't want to lie. He does however wish I'd stop going on about it.

@shadylane: I would've had no problem with the prostitute fantasy previously but it's the fact that meeting this woman at the hotel bar that has excited him which I don't like. I've even become jealous of this woman in my head even though I know nothing happened in terms of the effect she has had on him.

@WhateverTrevor83: sorry, I meant a national sex-workers project. He was one of the statisticians and learned a lot about the consensual and non-consensual side of things from the research. I can see what you're saying but even if one is "better" than the other, it's still cheating.

@SaucyJack: I don't think I'd be able to enjoy it now so that's why I said no to the idea.

@shadylane: It feels weird to me that this woman has had such an effect on him.

Anonymai Wed 19-Feb-14 13:59:18

I'm curious as to how he would have known whether a prostitute gave consent or was forced against her will. I wonder if he has visited prostitutes before or does currently and this is his way of cat on the roof ing you.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 14:02:22

Sounds interesting - his work I mean. But surely if so many sex-workers are exposed to exploitation and do it out of desperation etc... does seem odd (to me) that he would fantasize about it.

LurkingNineToFive Wed 19-Feb-14 14:04:18

I�m friends with women who have cheated on the families despite being completely against it. You don�t know other peoples relationships and sometimes it�s best not to think about it too much. If you found out who your dh is talking about you may feel differently about you dh going out with them etc. i can understand why he thinks no good will come from telling you.
i would make sure you dh understands that despite your open attitude to sex that any infidelity would be the end of your relationship so he doesn�t make the mistake of believing you would be understanding.

crossupton Wed 19-Feb-14 14:06:45

@Anonymai: The sex workers voluntarily provided information to www.uknswp.org and that's where he became educated on the subject. I know the website because I used to work for the police and is how I came into contact with him.

"Cat on the roofing"? I am not familiar with that phrase.

crossupton Wed 19-Feb-14 14:08:30

@LurkingNineToFive: We have both had people cheat on us in the past and the marriage would be over if one of us cheated on the other.

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