Really worried about DD emotionally, advice needed

[karenaanna]

I've posted about this on AIBU and had some great advice as to what could be wrong, but I'm now really struggling with this myself and looking for advice as to how to deal with DD's emotional state. The original thread is here- but the general jist is that DD is 17 and yet to start her period, until 6 weeks ago she was happy, otherwise healthy and dancing 18 hours a week at a pre-professional dance school (although she no longer wants to dance professionally), which the GP put her lack of puberty down to when I took her at 14. In the last 6 weeks she's put on a lot of weight (19lbs, her BMI has gone from 18.7 to 22.2) despite her dancing hours and diet staying the same, which has clearly upset her- the best way of describing it is the pre puberty baby fat stage, except she's almost 18 and still no sign of her period. I took her to the GP yesterday and although she had a lot of symptoms the GP was potentially worried about she had also had pain which sounded like period pain so we were told to wait and see if it came on. Still no sign, DD has been very teary and ended up sleeping in my room tonight after she came down in floods of tears and wanted to know if I still love her :( She's also refused to go to dance classes and her theatre group this week for the first time since she was about 4- she's admitted to me she's too ashamed to go. She's recently been rejected from the drama schools she applied to which she always knew were long shots, normally she takes rejection well and has offers from all of her universities as back ups but I think on top of everything else she's finding it all difficult to cope with. I am taking her back to the GP on Thursday, but in the meantime I'm just really concerned about her emotionally and not sure how to help her.

[Fairenuff]

Stating the obvious and presume the GP checked it out, could she be pregnant?

[AnyFuckerHQ]

I think by starting a new thread you are going to have to wade through a lot of repeat suggestions. Why not stay with that one ?

[karenaanna]

Sorry, knew I left something out of that post, it's been a bit of a long day! She assures me she's not sexually active, was tested at the GP and results were negative.

[Fairenuff]

Yeah, I didn't read the first thread, just dived in. Probably best to keep it all on one or you will get loads more like me and have to repeat everything.

[karenaanna]

anyfucker I thought here might be a better place to ask for advice as to how to help her with this emotionally than AIBU, I'm willing to be proven wrong.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

Oh, I hope you will. But like I said, it's likely you will have to have to cover a lot of the same ground. I thought the advice re. supporting your dd emotionally on your other thread was spot on though

[karenaanna]

I just feel like I must be doing something wrong because nothing I've tried so far seems to be making the slightest bit of difference.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

How could you be doing something wrong ? You can't magic her better.

She isn't a little girl any more, and she is entitled to keep her own counsel. Like I said, there is something more to this situation but it won't be revealed until she is ready. Carry on doing what you are doing and it will happen.

[MadBusLady]

For what it's worth, something you said on that thread did worry me a bit from an emotional perspective:

The pain was gone this morning but DD was complaining of a headache which I dismissed as her not wanting to go to dancing, managed to get her a GP appointment in a cancellation slot this afternoon so told her she was going this morning and I would pick her up early for the appointment which she reluctantly agreed to.

This is after a long build-up of some quite serious sounding symptoms which have recently become acute, and she sounds like she's in a very low physical and mental state. I'm just surprised you were not more cosseting I suppose, and visibly putting her well being - even her whims, at this point - above everything. I'm sorry to sound like I'm getting at you at such a worrying time, but I read your OP with horror and was surprised that it was all so business as usual from your perspective on Monday.

[minglemanglemunchkin]

I read your earlier thread and agree to everyone who said to push, push, push the doctors. Write all the symptoms down (maybe start a daily log of how she is feeling and any symptoms) It certainly seems that something is out of kilter, and symptoms like headaches and loss of vision are serious enough to not let them say it is just normal teen hormones. Give the external stress and emotional impact, I think it might be difficult to get a doctor to give proper consideration to what sounds like a very complex set of symptoms, but trust your instincts and don't let them fob you off! Stamp your feet, push for tests and if necessary, appropriate referrals. Do not let them say it is teenage angst. These things all need to be checked out. They need to check hormone balance, iron levels, thyroid function etc. They need to understand why her periods haven't started and not just assume it is down to weight or physical activity (although it obviously could be.) a family friend and her daughter have been through something very similar, with suggestions of both depression and eating disorders, until it turned out to be a combination of IBS and and thyroid problem. You know your daughter. She knows her body. You are both experts. Do not let the doctor tell you differently. If necessary, switch doctors - check out the practice team and see if any specialise in women's health. Do not give up or stop until you have answers. You have eliminated pregnancy, now push them to systematically rule out every other potential explanation - and it sounds like there will be a lot! In terms of the emotional support you are giving, it sounds like you are managing that just fine, just don't give her any reason to feel she has to 'cheer up' or get on with life, until she has an explanation. The body is very good at letting everyone know when something is wrong, do not let your concerns be dismissed.

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

Yes, in necessary switch doctors. Sorry but if you want to have a pity party that you may have done the wrong thing, now is really not the timw. Make it wait until you at least know what is wrong! (I have had to tell myself this too. Remember this is about your daughter, to keep focusing on her, stop blaming yourself.)

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

*if, not in.

[MrsPickard]

Sorry, Karen, if this was mentioned on your other thread and it was dealt with but am about to suggest something that may upset you - is it possible she has an eating disorder? That can cause a lot of serious and seemingly unrelated symptoms if it goes on for a while and, despite family members thinking otherwise, it is possible to hide it for years. You don't necessarily look extremely thin - most people with eating disorders look 'normal'.

Rejection and disappointnment can be huge triggers. I do speak from experience, unfortunately. Maybe look at getting her some counselling where she speaks to the therapist on her own?

Really sorry if this has been covered - I haven't read your other thread. Hope you get to the bottom of the problem.