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I lost my best friend and years on am still struggling to get over it.

(35 Posts)
LightLight Tue 18-Feb-14 23:40:17

This is quite long, so apologies.

I was best friends with a girl since I was 9, we were really close and we went through all the milestones that friends go through together when they are young. Think of that friend you have who is the closest person to you, for me that was her.

So we moved in together when I was in my last year of college, with my boyfriend and two other boys, we all lived here for a year and everything was great except I was leaving to go to university at the end of that year, intending on having a long term relationship with my boyfriend.

So I moved away and a few months later sadly me and my boyfriend split up. I ended the relationship. He was distraught and I felt awful but I wasn't happy anymore and struggling with the long distance, I still loved him very much but I didnt feel like I was IN love with him anymore. So this happened in February.

Bearing in mind me and the ex had been together for 3.4 years.. ONE MONTH LATER secretly my best friend and my ex boyfriend got together. I found out accidentally in April (they didn't tell me) I was absolutely gutted and livid with both of them especially my friend. My ex said it was a huge mistake and it was me he loved, he said it was over between them.
I was furious with my friend but decided that I had to give her another chance, I tried so hard. But in August I found out again that they were still together (again they didn't tell me)

After this I cut them both out of my life, I was so hurt. All of this happened in 2010. It's four years later and it is still tearing me up inside! I miss her so much and some days I think I can forgive her and other days I feel so angry with her. I just don't understand how a girl can do this to her best friend! I know I certainly couldn't.

Is it weird how this still affects me so badly?

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 23:45:02

Oh. I was waiting until the part where she died.

I am sorry if that seems harsh, but I think it's time you moved on. Find some new friends.

LightLight Tue 18-Feb-14 23:50:46

hmm I did realise after I sent it that the title did look like my friend had died.

Thanks for the advice but I have lots of friends. Just sad about losing this one.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 23:53:01

OK. Sorry to jump on you.

You didn't "lose" her though, she shit on you from a great height. She obviously wasn't the calibre of "friend" you thought she was.

msdiamant Tue 18-Feb-14 23:54:44

I think you should forget about being friends with her again like you used to. You feel betrayed by both of them especially by your friend. Although you did split up and your XB was free to be in a new relationship, I do understand how you feel. You say you would forgive her to give your relationship another chance but did she actually tried to explain herself? What did she say? If she didn't I don't think she cares about the relationship between you and her anymore.

MadBusLady Tue 18-Feb-14 23:55:33

You're going to be cutting a lot of people out of your life if you proceed on this basis.

They should have told you that they were still together after the April reveal, but I can sort of understand their reasons for not doing so, given that you blew a gasket the first time you found out. It is, of course, gutting when a significant ex moves on, and weird if they move on with a friend, but that's just life, it's not a heinous crime. A month seems ok to me as a gap, especially when you're 18/19.

Might you have abandonment issues from childhood? That would explain both your reaction to their getting together and the fact that it still affects you so much.

margaretofsavoy Tue 18-Feb-14 23:57:22

I sort of agree with AnyFucker in that she isn't really worth your attention because she obviously wasn't a best friend if she got together with your ex so quickly. They clearly had feelings for each other before then, perhaps he even cheated on her with you. Either way, she wasn't really such a great friend and there was obviously quite a lot you didn't know about her.

I think friendships when you are young are kind of fake-intense, if that makes sense. You do all that knowing-everything-about-each-other thing which adults don't really do. I think you're mourning for the friendship thinking that it would be the same now. It probably wouldn't. You probably would have grown apart anyway.

msdiamant Tue 18-Feb-14 23:57:57

Actually, it is her who is a looser. Good riddance, both of them.

LightLight Wed 19-Feb-14 00:08:09

Madbuslady. My dad left for good when I was two. I've never really considered how this may have affected the way I deal with things.. that's quite interesting.

Thanks for replying people, some interesting points. I should just man up and forget about her.

Isabeller Wed 19-Feb-14 00:28:46

It's late so forgive my childhood issues showing but I was exactly with AFs first post then I read your second and heard my mum's voice saying maybe it wasn't an accident your title sounds like she died (thank you Dr Freud).

The person she was to you has died in a way - or maybe you just want to metaphorically kill her! grin

It's one thing to realise you need to move on but sometimes a whole other thing to actually do it. I found some of the ideas in Paul McKenna's "I can mend your broken heart' useful. I seem to remember the hypnotape being quite good about people coming and going from your life.

Just keep detaching and good luck.

Bogeyface Wed 19-Feb-14 00:41:26

How old where you? 18?

I could understand your obsession if you were 25 when it happened, but this was when you were 18, copping off with a friends ex at that age is practically mandatory!

I think in 10 years you will look back and feel a bit silly for your over reaction.

Bogeyface Wed 19-Feb-14 00:42:39

I actually meant 35, not 25

LightLight Wed 19-Feb-14 00:48:07

I was 22 (nearly 23) when it happened. (I went to uni late)

I do sometimes think I have over reacted and should contact her but then sometimes feel justified in this over reaction.

Bogeyface Wed 19-Feb-14 00:50:26

I wouldnt bother contacting her. But I do think you over reacted in terms of it still bothering you 4 years later.

Its not nice when people dont care about your feelings, but really, they didnt actually do anything wrong. Thoughtless yes, selfish yes, but they didnt cheat.

Bogeyface Wed 19-Feb-14 00:51:34

Have you moved on in terms of relationships/friendships? If not, could it be that you are missing having a close friend and/or a long term partner and you are harking back to that time because you did have that then?

LightLight Wed 19-Feb-14 00:57:30

Oh yeah I've been with my current boyfriend for ages and I am not short of friends, but I just miss her. We were like sisters.

Terrortree Wed 19-Feb-14 01:04:50

I get what you are saying. My friend got together with my (former) fiance, right after I found out he'd been elsewhere with another lass (and her boyfriend did the dirty on her too). It was a very shitty life experience.

When you split with a person, emotions run very high - and everything hurts, and you can't get why the world hasn't stopped.

It. just. plain. hurts.

I suspect that you've never found a replacement good friend. Or a good boyfriend. That currently you are in 'dearthsville'.

On the other hand, the consequences of your experience makes you very wary of making new good friends/partners. Indeed it took me a few years to make good friends (and have a stable relationship). So you hanker back to the comfort of that period of time. It's a bit 'the better the devil you know' v. 'don't let life jade you'. Or 'chicken and egg' to be more succinct!

But life does move on. In fact, it never stops.

So I get your feelings.

Postscript - I have a great best friend and a husband - I have trusted, relied on, asked of, loved and championed both for over twenty years. They are very dissimilar, but had I not had the shit friendships/relationships, I don't think I would value them quite as much as I do.

Annakin31 Wed 19-Feb-14 01:56:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bragmatic Wed 19-Feb-14 02:30:59

I understand the hurt, but you did break up with him. Plus you were all young. It happens.

Either contact her and make up, or let it go.

Annakin31 Wed 19-Feb-14 04:15:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlainBrownEnvelope Wed 19-Feb-14 06:15:51

I disagree. I think the fact that the OP ended it is very relevant here. She basically put him back on the market. You cant be a dog in the manger about these things.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 19-Feb-14 08:43:11

Hi op

Actually it's quite telling what title you chose for your thread, because it does suggest you are grieving for your friend and I think you are.

You've had two quite big losses one you chose to end yourself and the other you felt you had no control over and has hurt you deeply.
If you see this as a grieving process because that's what it is, you were in shock then disbelief, then angry, you made all sorts of excuses in your head for her, then angry again and now you have the acceptance stage. There is no getting over stuff only through, and I think you might benefit from talking to someone one to one who can guide you through your feelings, and give them a proper airing.

thanks

ageofgrandillusion Wed 19-Feb-14 08:43:55

I thought she'd died also! I don't get this. You dumped him, he hooked up with your mate instead, probably on the re-bound. They were both free agents. Where was the problem? She was probably doing you a favour by consoling the guy. Anyway, it's history now - move on.

CailinDana Wed 19-Feb-14 08:52:22

If you wrote her a letter to say how you feel, what would you say?

What comes across to me is that you loved your best friend far more than you loved your ex and you feel she was stolen from you. That's not what happened. She chose to do what she did.

Perhaps you also feel your happy memories with her are tainted by what happened and you want them wiped clean by a reconcilliation?

MrsDeVere Wed 19-Feb-14 08:59:11

I wouldn't contact her.
You will look like a crazy lady even though your feelings are real and perfectly valid.
As soon as you start contacting people and telling them you look like a stalker.

So write a letter and don't send it.

Honestly. Life is just too short to dwell on this stuff.

People do crap things to each other. If you can deal with this it will help you cope with the next horrible thing that happens.

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