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I can't even bring myself to speak to my husband anymore.

(47 Posts)
MrsZippy Tue 18-Feb-14 20:48:58

We have been together for 16 years. I don't even know where to begin, he's very work driven. I work PT and do all the childcare/housework blah blah blah. This doesn't bother me.

Recently though things have just deteriorated. He comes home from work, barely speaks to the children or asks how they are. First thing he said to ds1 (15) tonight was to take the dog out, nothing else.

I've tried speaking to him on numerous occasions about taking more of an interest in dc's but he thinks it's a personal attack on him and gets all defensive then storms off.

Financially he pays the bills. I pay for the dc's phones every month and a couple more Direct Debits then buying shoes, clothes etc for dc. I never buy myself anything. We actually argued on my last pay day whilst out shopping because he said he doesn't know what I do with all my money. I work 20 hours pw on minimum wage. Not exactly sitting on a fortune every month.

I don't smoke, drink, go out at all. My whole life is work, kids, work, kids. Don't get me wrong I love my kids, they are the only thing keeping me going right now.

As the title says I can't even speak to him at all. I feel utterly miserable. It's half term here, I'm off work and can't even afford to do anything. At the moment I'm in the bedroom and he's watching football.

It probably reads like a big jumbled up mess but just had to get it down. I just want to scream. I even thought about just walking out the door yesterday and not coming back. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells half the time. The laughter and fun we used to have has just gone and I don't know if it will be back. I just don't know what to do right now.

oldgrandmama Tue 18-Feb-14 20:59:49

I'm here, OP - and I'm sure other MNetters will be very soon. Just thinking of your post (been in a similar situation). More later, but holding your hand right now.

PR1104 Tue 18-Feb-14 21:00:44

I know how yoe feel Zippy, I have only been married for 5 years and I am pregnant with our first child, I don't think its just my hormones making me feel like this. Sometimes I just feel lie I am never good enough for him I do everything work full time, pay the mortgage, cook clean and he hardly contributes when I ask him about money he gets angry so I don't say anything anymore. Perhaps your husband is going through a difficult time at work hence why he may get upset at times sorry to say but maybe he has started to be intrested in other women hence why his behaviour has changed, you need to have an open an honest conversation with him and explain how you feel. I hope you sort things outx

joanofarchitrave Tue 18-Feb-14 21:02:51

It sounds as if you are living very separately at the moment.

If things are this miserable there's no point in holding back the anger you are feeling. Talk to him - say you don't want to live like this.

I do wonder about whether you need to have a few basics in place like a proper joint budget - dh and I need to review this every 3 months or so to keep on top of who's paying for what. We also make sure we have equal spending money, obviously (I'm the earner at the mo, DH has been in the past). Tell him you feel undermined at his apparent dismissal of your contribution. Do you have equal spending money?

myroomisatip Tue 18-Feb-14 21:11:18

I am sure you will get a lot of practical advice here... but not from me! smile

I just want you to know that I am listening, been there to a certain extent, it took me too long to get out but I did get out! Do you think that your situation can be fixed? Do you feel that you are being financially abused?

MrsZippy Tue 18-Feb-14 21:43:36

Thanks for replying.

I don't think he's being financially abusive. The past few years since I've gone back to work I've drifted from one shitty job to another just to earn my own cash. We don't have joint accounts or anything. He transfers money every week for me to buy groceries and I have to make that last the week. If I tell him I need more he starts asking where my wages have gone even though I've told him kids need shoes/school trips or whatever else.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you think your children are actually learning from the two of you about relationships here?. He is mean with both money and love and you are miserable understandably as a result. Also the phrase "walking on eggshells" to my mind is code for "living in fear". Is this really the model of a marriage you want to be showing them?.

Re this comment:-
"He transfers money every week for me to buy groceries and I have to make that last the week. If I tell him I need more he starts asking where my wages have gone even though I've told him kids need shoes/school trips or whatever else"

I would consider you as being also financially abused by this man; the above actions on his part are certainly red flags for this type of abuse.

Kandypane Tue 18-Feb-14 21:54:50

Does he have spare money to spend on himself?
Maybe you could write down your incomings and expenditure and show it to him to make him realise where your money goes to? He can't argue with facts in black and white.

MrsZippy Tue 18-Feb-14 21:56:18

PR, sorry you're going through that too. I just feel there is more to life and I'm just wasting every day being miserable.

Joan, we are living separately at the moment. He just doesn't seem interested in any of us. I think he's always been like this to a certain extent but as I said it's just getting worse.

It's do frustrating, I know I need to try and speak to him again. The Ladt time I spoke to him he came home the next day with flowers and thought that was it, everything all right again.

He works shifts and the weeks he works nightshift and sleeps all day and away all night me and the dc's are much happier. I've noticed that recently and it shouldn't be like that sad

MrsZippy Tue 18-Feb-14 22:02:49

Atilla, no you're right. It's not a great example to them at all.

Kandy, he does have spare money. Just last week he spent £95 on glasses. He is also banging on about a holiday and wants to go and book it so I know he's been saving for that.

I have PM'd you, I was in a the same situation as you 10 years ago. I didn't walk away because DCs needed me, (particularly DS2 who has SN). I'm sure you feel the same - that's why DCs phones are paid for out of your meagre earnings. (((hugs))).

MrsZippy Tue 18-Feb-14 22:44:59

Got your pm, thank you.

Just sitting in the living room and he asked if I was wanting to watch anything, I said no. He asked me what was wrong and I just said nothing. He got up mumbling something about 'don't know why I bother, I'm going to bed'

I know I should have said something but I know he'll just storm off do what's the point. I'm thinking of writing a letter, then he needs to read it and can't butt in or walk off.

BeginnersGuide Tue 18-Feb-14 23:00:36

Hi MrsZippy,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Seems like its a situation that has been building for a while. May be both you and your husband feel the lose of connection and are expressing the hurt in different ways. For example, him asking what you wanted to watch could be his way of reaching out but he is completely unaware of how his earlier behaviour has affected you. You are upset by his behaviour and he by yours but no one talks about it. Although I think talking is easier said than done.

I am just coming through a similar situation myself with my husband. We couldn't talk about anything without it turning into something. It got so bad that we both felt so alone that we almost separated. We are now in counselling and doing very well. We have started to laugh and joke and are getting on the best we have in years (there's still the occasional upset). What I am trying to say is there is still hope if you want there to be?

MrsZippy Tue 18-Feb-14 23:16:52

You could be right BG. I can't imagine he's particularly happy. Who would be when there's no fun or romance in your relationship.

I'm glad to hear you managed to work through it with your husband. I dint want to give up on us just yet.

We haven't had a night out together for about 3 years, we need to start doing these things again but he seems happy not to. There is an age gap and maybe this has something to do with it.

Tenalady Tue 18-Feb-14 23:23:39

Oh jeeze Zippy I could of written your post myself, its so depressing isn't it. Been going on for years in this house but I keep paddling, problem is I don't know for how long.

BG its great to hear a success story and it sounds unbelievable that something like counselling can be so positive. We talk to each other but he is so negative about life and everything so its hard to motivate yourself to stay together. Please do share the eureka point (if its not to personal of course) in the counselling that made you see all is not lost. Im sure there are lots in the same situation that cant understand how counselling can help xx

BeginnersGuide Tue 18-Feb-14 23:27:00

There's 10 years between my husband and I but in some ways feel like I'm the more mature one.

Maybe he does want to but doesn't want to get rejected?

I realised how focused I had become on my dd that I didn't make the time or effort with dh and didn't feel the need to. I realised this and tried to fix it before we nearly separated but he wasn't in the same place as me. Btw not saying I was to blame for situation was just my contribution. He had his own stuff too.

Highly recommend some couple time. May take a while to get in the swing of it again or may enable you to talk about how each other feels.

How have you two left things tonight?

Dilidali Tue 18-Feb-14 23:27:06

Treat yourself how you want to be treated.
Show yourself self respect. Would you let your friends treat you like this?

smile hugs.

EverythingCounts Tue 18-Feb-14 23:28:44

Have to say though, OP, that if his money is his money and he can dole it out when he wants like Lord Bountiful, but your money is also the kids' money and you have to justify your (very modest) spending to him all the time and get nothing for yourself, where's the fairness in that? In my view it's financially abusive. It is absolutely definitely not kind or fair. Decent people want to share what they have with the people they love - with obvious exceptions such as where someone has been massively financially irresponsible in the past. This doesn't seem to be the case with you. He just seems mean. Hard to love a mean person.

BeginnersGuide Tue 18-Feb-14 23:36:58

Tenalady there wasn't really a eureka moment for me as such. I always believed we could work through anything and knew despite my dh behaviour he did love me so knew we could get it back.
Counselling has been great for us. Ironically my dh would keep lots bottled up which had caused changes in his behaviour that cut him off from me. He had a lot of inner turmoil. Yet he has really been able to open up. I thought I had nothing much to say and initially was very quiet. It turns out there are lots of things I have been dealing with/burying over the years that I wasn't even aware of.
A lot of the conservations in counselling are about 'the circle'. One explains how they feel, the other responds by saying back to them what the understood by what they said and then the other persons says how they feel, etc, etc. Sounds lame but when you have to really listen and are actually being listened to it can make a big difference. Doesn't work for everyone and we were near the end and I was prepared to do anything (dh wasn't so willing to start with).

BeginnersGuide Tue 18-Feb-14 23:39:25

Should add it can really help having a neutral person in the room. Especially when the topics get heated. Can help it stop turning into a blazing row or sulky silence.

MrsZippy Tue 18-Feb-14 23:43:26

Tena, I'm the same I've never even considered counselling. I'm pretty sure DH wouldn't be up for it though. I think he'd laugh at the suggestion.

BG, there's a 15 year age gap, he will be 50 this year, I'm 35. we left things with him going to bed and me still up watching tv. Same as every other night. Oh and can't remember when we last had sex. How depressing. That is my fault though, I have zero sex drive.

Dilidali, thanks. No I wouldn't.

Everything, no it's not fair at all. I received my Child Benefit today. Had to top up bread and milk and put petrol in the car with that money. He really has no idea.

Freewheelin Tue 18-Feb-14 23:45:40

Hi op, my experience is that having financial reliance on your partner is dire and leads to mutual resentment. A joint account is a must.
I know it's hard to talk but agree with previous who said that it sounds like he was making an effort to reach out.

caramelwaffle Tue 18-Feb-14 23:45:54

I would gently suggest you reconsider your thoughts on whether you are financially restricted/abused.

BeginnersGuide Wed 19-Feb-14 00:22:41

I got dh to counselling by explaining that even if our relationship didn't work out it might help us as parents. My parents are divorced and he has seen the effect of the resentment they have for each other has had 17 years on and didn't want the same for dd.

Getting him through the door will be obstacle 1 and getting him to open up and participate is no 2. Might be worth taking the honest approach but leave out any sentences that sound like accusations and use we. We don't really talk/spend time together, etc. then say that you want to get it back and see where it goes??? Fingers crossed

Tenalady Wed 19-Feb-14 00:30:53

Zippy is this more about the money thing for you, only I read and focussed on the not dealing with children bit. Tis true its hard to love a mean man. Has he always been like this or more recently? Just wondering if he has some financial issues and is transferring them to you like a worry thing. I personally don't have any money issues, mine are more that he has never really embraced the boy and father thing and like you tells me that I shouldn't tell him what to do when I make suggestions to try and help their very ropey relationship.

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