Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can't orgasm with anyone

(20 Posts)
WhiskySour Mon 17-Feb-14 22:43:17

I've name changed. Not posted for months anyway but I need advice.
I've never managed to come when with another person and I want to.
After a teenage-hood of enthusiastic and successful self pleasure I had several (6) short lived sexual relationships. Most of the men had no interest in my pleasure and the one who did, couldn't. I found the whole process tedious. All the up a bit, harder, down a bit, keep doing that, oh shit that's too much, stop! was ridiculous. Much easier to enjoy what we shared and give myself orgasms on my own.
Then I was in a very long term relationship. It had it's problems, some of which may be relevant, such as: I stopped wanting the constant sex after around 3 months, found that hard to say, so avoided it, resentment built up. He then revealed that he hated the fact I'd had previous partners and if I'd slept with them why not with him. This made me feel like some whore who'd slept around. We had some couples therapy at Relate.
Our sex life continued but got less and less. He tried to make me come. I got close but never achieved it. I eventually told him not to bother trying, it was ok.

WhiskySour Mon 17-Feb-14 22:55:32

Part two, sorry, my iPad looked ready to crash.
Sex became non existent. Huge problem in our relationship.
Due to other things too our relationship broke down completely. We stayed together forvthe children another two years. I went on antidepressants (sertraline). Libido was nil, even on my own. Orgasm got very difficult, a possible side effect of the drug.
I finally called time and we separated. I met a new man. I was extremely hesitant to begin a new relationship when I might go off sex within weeks and felt a failure because I couldn't orgasm. But he was reassuring.
Now 6 months in and it's not happening. We are much more open with each other. We talk, we've tried lots of positions, techniques and using toys. I don't want it to become a 'thing' Where's best to go from here?

lookingfoxy Mon 17-Feb-14 23:10:05

When your on your own I presume you use fantasy?
When your with your partner could you do the same but keep it to yourself so there's no pressure on you or expectations ?

endlessdrudgery Mon 17-Feb-14 23:11:16

I didn't want to just read and run. If you can orgasm alone then I'm guessing there isn't any physical issue. It sounds like this is causing you a lot of anxiety and that could be affecting your ability to orgasm with a partner. There is such a thing as psycho-sexual counselling which may be worth looking into.

WhiskySour Mon 17-Feb-14 23:45:24

Fantasy, not that much. Thinking about my man and what he does can tip me over. But anyway even on my own has become quite difficult. It can take ages and is about 20% successful. It's as if I'm not as sensitive. But could also be psychological.

sykadelic15 Mon 17-Feb-14 23:57:28

Some people genuinely can't. I personally believe you need to stop making yourself see orgasm via penetration the "holy grail". You're making it more difficult on yourself.

Just enjoy what you CAN do and experiment and have fun rather than focusing on what you perceive as the "holy grail".

joanofarchitrave Tue 18-Feb-14 00:08:08

Similar here. Your relationship history sounds fairly familiar....

Are you still on sertraline? Have you thought about talking to your GP about trying an alternative medication?

What contraception are you on, if any?

I had a great conversation with a bunch of friends the other month (hen night). There were eight of us, of whom 2 had never had much issue with coming with partners. It's really common. A good friend of mine talked us through what her longest-lasting partner had done for her. They had thought it through as a psychological process rather than a physical one. So not the 'up a bit, down a bit' stuff which i would agree is as erotic as housework, but stuff like... she couldn't come if he'd not washed his hands beforehand... needed to have the door closed...

I feel slightly more confident saying this as I actually had an orgasm with a partner about 3 months ago. It was as enjoyable as a prawn Skip - it was noticeable, just, but nothing you would go out of your way to have. But in order to get there at all, we had some great sex. It was a bit liberating for it to actually happen. It also brought to the forefront for me just how unwilling I am to allow a man the power over me that I assume having orgasms with him would give me. Because I still haven't told my partner that it has happened.

WhiskySour Tue 18-Feb-14 00:08:42

I don't see that as the holy grail. We do lots of different things. Oral, fingers, vibrators. But yes, I agree that enjoying what I can and having fun is the best way. Sometimes it's difficult to focus on that though.

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 18-Feb-14 00:10:58

Lube, hands, plenty of time.

WhiskySour Tue 18-Feb-14 00:14:03

Oh Joan, thank you.
I've been off the ADs a year now. I had a copper coil fitted which has worked brilliantly.I specifically wanted to avoid hormones for fear of any loss of libido.
I worry that after years of solo I just am self conscious about letting go so much in front of someone else.
I also worry that after years of so little interest in sex my ability to come has got lost.

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 18-Feb-14 00:14:44

Also get your B12 levels checked. I had noticed some numbness for a while (hands, feet, face) and then when clitoris finally joined in I'd had enough! I googled it I diagnosed myself with low B12. Blood test confirmed it and after several injections all was back to normal, thank goodness.

WhiskySour Tue 18-Feb-14 00:18:24

Lynda, yes. It's just that after 10 minutes or so I give up. I also reach a point where firstly it can seem ridiculous, secondly I'm tired and thirdly sometimes getting a bit chafed.

joanofarchitrave Tue 18-Feb-14 00:21:24

I feel like I've tried everything along the way, although I'm sure i haven't.

I think fundamentally having to make a huge furrowed-brow effort with sex just makes me angry (too lazy?) and I don't find anger arousing.

I'd agree with you about letting go in front of people. I find that masturbating in front of partners results in crappy orgasms - I need to be entirely in my own head to enjoy it. God, the partners who try to muscle in Which argues that I'm quite self-obsessed.

I think of masturbation and sex as two completely different things. Is that the problem?

WhiskySour Tue 18-Feb-14 00:27:54

Up till now I've thought of the two as separate too. My current partner asked me to try with him and that was very difficult.

WhiskySour Tue 18-Feb-14 00:30:06

Also the prawn Skip comment. The times I've been close have been nice but nothing like the orgasms I used to have.

WhiskySour Tue 18-Feb-14 00:36:18

Will get some B12 anyway. Googling would indicate it can't harm to take a supplement.

Catrin Tue 18-Feb-14 00:44:18

I don't. Won't say can't, as last week, after a 20 year absence, a man found my long lost orgasm...

I have huge control issues. Plus, if they have been trying for more than about 4 minutes, I start to panic. Or, they are so convinced they will be the one who 'sorts it out' I will never orgasm, ever.

I don't know what the answer is (she says, unhelpfully) but you are not alone...

WhiskySour Tue 18-Feb-14 01:04:03

Catrin, what worked?

Catrin Tue 18-Feb-14 01:17:11

Probably not a to-be-recommended route...
I gave up giving a flying toss!!

He is (to my eye) quite gorgeous, but while I think he's lovely and we get on well, he is never going to be anything other than a short term fling for me confused met him, fancied him, went on few dates. But, and I do think for me this was crucial - I don;t want him to be anything more. He is a lot younger, thinks I am ace, so I had the confidence of him thinking I am great, plus I don;t feel the need to please him/try and keep him.

As I said, and reading that back,, I am probably coming across as a heartless tart, but I felt the sense that it was more about me than him to be truly liberating.

WhiskySour Tue 18-Feb-14 08:52:31

There are some thought provoking comments here which are helping me to think about several aspects to my problem, particularly the experience of joan's friend who concentrated not on the physical but on the psychological.
Also the possibility that sex and masturbation (and therefore orgasm) have become separate in my mind. It occurs to me that over the years the solo, through necessity and habit has become quite perfunctory. Fantasy went out the window years ago as, with a family, house and job, time and opportunity were limited.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now