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husband walked out on us unexpectantly

(50 Posts)
mamataurus Mon 17-Feb-14 21:57:30

I'm in a nightmare, my DH just came home from work 3 weeks ago and announced out of the blue that he loves me but is "not in love with me" and that he has been living a lie recently. He apparantly is on a treadmill and on the road to destruction. Heres me thinking everythings fine?? he has carried on family life as usual inc sex. He just keeps saying the "connection has gone" and can't help how he feels. He just packed a bag and moved out & is staying at his brothers.

He also carried out a character assasignation on me saying that he was fed up with "carrying me" and that I don't help with the finances. I had to give work up when it became to stressful managing the boys & work.

We have had a bit of a tough time in recent years, our DS1 has ASD but presents mild. DS2 has just been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. DH has not dealt with this very well, he didn't even want to tell his family.

DH is in partnership in a business which is growing, I don't like his business partner - he is v arrogant and looks down on me. This has not helped matters, but other people have also told me they do not like him and I think he has has an influence over my DH.

In hindsight I can see that DH had become a bit distant but put it down to work pressures. I feel totally heartbroken, my Mum & Dad treated him like a son, and we went on holidays together, they are devastated.

I just sit here at this time of night just crying and missing him so much, its like he is a stranger. I feel he has robbed me of my future, as even days leading up to his departure he was talking about viewing a house in a nearby village??? I just can't make it out at all, and whats worse is that he says he feels "relief" and I feel like I've been hit by a train. Does it ever get better?

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 00:37:32

I also think there is probably someone he has his eye on at least.

CAB is a good move for you, make sure you make yourself as financially secure as you can and do speak to CSA about child support sooner rather than later as they can only deal with a claim from the date you contact them. Don't wait until he starts messing you around to contact them.

I really feel for you but agree crying is good. It is also good for him to leave, although it won't seem like it now. Your life will be much improved when you come through this pain for not having been lumbered with his dead weight.

This is not the end of your life as you know it but the start of something better and hopefully happier.

MsAspreyDiamonds Tue 18-Feb-14 03:15:14

Speak to a solicitor to find out what your options are regarding custody and maintenance. The first 30mins are free so you can see several different ones to get different opinions and help. Tell the solicitor everything including the leaving you, the character assination & the negative influence of his business partner as a tool to make you fearful of your future.

The next time he flies into a rage, call the police on 101 or 999 (if he is violent) & tell them that you are scared so they have it on record even if no charges are made. So if he fights you for custody, this police record will count against him. You don't know how the future will turn out but you can try for it to go in your favour by preparing and doing your homework.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.scottishwomensaid.org.uk/

www.hmrc.gov.uk/individuals/index.shtml

Complete the hmrc benefits calculator to find out how much you are entitled to as a single parent

scottybeammeup Tue 18-Feb-14 06:25:06

I am 16 months on from a similar bombshell although mine came after discovering my h had built up huge gambling debts. I also had the character assassination along with rewriting our marriage which had apparently never been happy. You could have fooled me! Our children were 5 & 2 when he walked out to lead his single life.

I won't lie. The first 6 months were hellish. I got through them but no idea how. Friends supplied meals, helped with the children and listened while first I cried then gradually got angry. Once the anger set in I was able to use that to secure our finances legally. I came pretty close to a breakdown I think. But gradually something shifted. I started to plan for the future without him. I stsrted an OU course to retrain into a job that I can work around the childrens school hours. I went out and even managed a short fling with a man that boosted my confidence enormously.

It is incredibly hard but you will get through it. Just take everything slowly and accept that it will take time. You can't rewrite the future you thought you'd have overnight.

ChoccyDigestive82 Tue 18-Feb-14 12:41:48

I am so sorry, OP. Your husband has been having an affair or some kind

I think it's unfair that people seem to say this all of the time. You don't know this for a fact at the time of posting

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 12:45:13

Sadly, we do know. That is what is so awful about it.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 12:55:44

It does get better. I promise. Its not instant, but it does. My exh walked out unexpectedly in 2009 leaving me with two boys. It took months to come to terms with it, months of antidepressants and counselling, but it does get better. My breakthrough was probably 2012, with my life just falling back into a happy content place in 2013. Stay strong, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 12:56:48

and you don't know hes been having an affair. My ex-husband did not. of any kind. ever. He was just emotionally a twat and acted like a spoilt child. But walking out unexpectedly does not mean he had an affair all the time.

PassAFist Tue 18-Feb-14 12:57:02

I wouldn't necessarily assume there was someone else OP. I find myself often dreaming of just walking away from my family (I have a special needs child too), I work ridiculous hours, have a fairly shitty life. My one fantasy is to leave. There is nobody else, I have no interest in anyone else, I just want to be away from this life.

Maybe he is similar to me and needs a break. Which is not an excuse for what he has done!

My point is that I wouldn't assume there is an OW.

In your shoes I would definitely put myself first though, speak to people and protect yourself and your children. Try to put him out of your mind and concentrate on looking after yourself.

My very best wishes to you OP.

MissScatterbrain Tue 18-Feb-14 15:27:56

Do a search on here for the cheater's script and sadly you will see he is following this sad

Has he been possessive with his phone/laptop? mentioned a female colleague/friend (or suddenly stopped talking about her)?

He is lying because he does not want to look like the bad guy - however, he has completely detached from you and you need plan for the future on that basis.

BeCool Tue 18-Feb-14 15:47:03

I agree he is probably having an affair - you see it time and time again here on MN, including the few posters to pop up to say "how can you say he's having an affair? You don't now that etc etc" aand who don't pop up again in a few days/weeks time to say "oh you were right". You also hear the wives who will tell us "he says there is no one else involved and I trust him/believe him" and who are doubly betrayed.

So OP he will lie to you, and tell you all the dreadful things you did to make him leave - but this is all a cover/mask for his own shitty behaviour, that you and your DC are now feeling the sharp end of.

take care of yourself. try to eat and sleep. Keep posting here - there will be people here all the time for you.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 16:54:56

All I am saying is not every situation like this is an affair. And saying it probably is could focus the OPs attentions wrongly. I know if I had focused on looking for something that wasn't there it could have been a very different story. Yes, many many are cheaters, yes there is a "script" but telling the OP it's most likely an affair, when it could well not be, may not help the situation at all.

Some men, rightly or wrongly, walk away because they are unhappy. Or immature. Or twats. Or have other issues such as gambling or alcohol addictions. They dont all walk away because of a hidden affair.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:01:31

I have never known a man to leave who hasn't someone else lined up. Even if the op never finds out, I would bet there is another candidate all ready and waiting for him.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 17:03:44

Maybe that's the difference then Lily. Because I have. They are less common for sure, but they do happen.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:08:53

Actually I know one who left, and that was because his wife was unfaithful. But everyone else, nope, classic cheaters script sadly.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 18-Feb-14 17:11:08

They definitely don't ALL leave for someone else but there usually is someone else when they leave in this particular way. (Sorry OP)

1. Its come as a complete bolt out the blue, the OP is actually pulverized: that's because the DH has been hiding something for a while.

2. There has been no signs of depression - but suddenly they may come out with the: 'oh whoopsie, I'm having a breakdown. I need to go somewhere hot/skiing, etc, etc'

3. They come out with 'I'm not in love with you.' - Meaning: 'I've got the hots for someone else.'

4. They absolutely refuse counseling, discussions, etc. They are adamant its over. Course it is, someone else is waiting for them.

Get to see a solicitor and start thinking about what YOU want in the future for you.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 17:11:24

I've known one finish because of the wife abusive the husband. Two because the husband just wasn't happy and walked out, no adultery on either side, one because of the wife having an affair, one due to mental health issues and then probably six due to male cheating? So they definitely make up the majority.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:13:51

JohnFarley - my ex used all 4 of those, wonder if I get a prize ;)

NaffOrf Tue 18-Feb-14 17:15:59

he has carried on family life as usual inc sex

You're not still having sex with him, are you OP?

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 18-Feb-14 17:16:25

You did kind of get the prize: Freedom from that selfish twat!

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 17:16:45

Mine definitely did the blaming me to make himself feel better for his shitty behaviour as mentioned upthread.

OP, dont let him do this to you. However, or whyever, they left you do not deserve to have all the blame put onto you. Which he will try. He will blame sex, the children, money, anything to justify his cowardly behaviour to himself.

DrJeanGrey Tue 18-Feb-14 17:29:06

I have been through this also Mamataurus. Exact same thing. Out of nowhere he didn't love me. Out of nowhere it was all my fault. As far as I knew we were happy.

I am not sure if it's relevant to you, but there was no OW involved at all, and months on he still does not have one. He's lonely and pestering me for sex actually.

The reasons my DH walked out were basically down to being overwhelmed with stress / financial / emotional / familial responsibilities.

I know you search for reasons, but I am not sure what reasons are better or worse. For me...he left me...that was (after time to accept it) all I needed to know.

It does get easier, but it is a big blow you have been dealt. Spouses are not supposed to behave like this.

DrJeanGrey Tue 18-Feb-14 17:30:12

Yes, and the blame is guilt. They feel guilty so they try and turn it on you. It's the low of the low.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:46:37

I guess whatever the reason to it all, it is still unutterably shite - but you can, and will, come through the other side & you can be happy again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Feb-14 17:47:57

How did you get on with CAB, OP?

I am sorry to hear your H has thrown a grenade into your life. If he has been a bit distant lately that could have been him consciously distancing himself from you, and then the question of your contribution to the marriage, running you down, all the easier to disentangle and march forward.

"Losing a connection to you" out of the blue, yet somehow still having marital sex and living at home? It's not uncommon for a man to wait until he has lined up the next bed with home comforts before exiting a relationship. Apparently it's not true that someone having an affair is lacking anything at home, so don't blame yourself.

If there's an OW, she will surface eventually, except he'll say he "only just met her". Don't waste energy slandering her or tracking her. Bottom line is, he gave himself permission.

People often say, oh but he has no time to see anyone else! Any female colleagues, any neighbours, any best friends' wives or gfs, someone at the gym, a former romantic attachment who walks back into his life - or of course a complete stranger to you, who knows. Long hours at work, unavailability during the day, meetings and conferences and trade fairs, the smartphone glued to his side all weekend - work can be a wonderful cover. And once "off the leash" that individual can suddenly go off on holiday, leaving spouse to cope with the DCs and hold 'normal' routine together.

It very seldom seems to be a mental breakdown or severe depression brought on by stress, in spite of the conviction of their hurt and bewildered partner left behind who can't understand how their partner has utterly changed. Unless unbeknown to you, like a previous poster's ex, H had started an addiction, which led to a secret double life and huge pressure, you might count that out too.

Glad you have some real life support.

skyeskyeskye Tue 18-Feb-14 22:59:23

mama my XH gave me the same speech two years ago completely out of the blue, and also destroyed my character. We had a few stressful months, he spent some time with his mates wife, a woman he had previously detested , and he became infatuated with her.

There may not be OW in your case but keep your eyes open. Check mobile bills if you can, or emails. Some people will say not to, but in my case it proved what was going on sad

Put yourself first from now on, eat little and often, sort out your finances, have minimal contact with him. Don't believe a word he says. My XH denied it even when confronted with the phone bills....

It will get better in time, but I know what a shock it must be for you at the moment.

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