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DH, secrets and.. basically I'm scared

(113 Posts)
TiffanyAtBreakfast Mon 17-Feb-14 14:49:19

Me and DH are extremely happily married, will have our first anniversary a month today. Had been together for four years ish before we got married.

Last night, god knows how it came up in conversation, but he let slip that (due to something a bit personal on his part that I'd rather not go into) his chances of having children may be extremely hindered.

I'm shocked. We were planning on ttc in 6 months or so and I have been blissfully unaware. He told me he's been worrying himself senseless for ages and has been too scared to tell me / go and get fertility tested. Mostly, I just can't help but feel like he should have told me this so much sooner than a year into our marriage.

I love him and I'm not going anywhere. But I'm so scared that we'll find out we can't have children and that it will come between us. I know lots of people go through this and have seen first hand how much strain it can place on people (a couple I know had problems and it drove them apart eventually).

I could have been prepared to deal with this if he'd told me before we got married but I feel like that has been taken away from me.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I hope this isn't the wrong board for this. I'm just shocked and upset. He's being awkward about going to get tested, saying he's embarrassed. I don't think I'm going to be able to think about anything else until he sees a doctor sad

supadupapupascupa Mon 17-Feb-14 14:52:23

I'ma big believer in only worrying about that which I can do something about. You can't undo what's done, you've said you're not going anywhere...so..... you need facts. You need a plan.

First step. Get him tested.

RandomMess Mon 17-Feb-14 14:52:45

Wow that reallly is a big and unfair secret to keep from you, I'd be angry and sad.

Stuff being to embarrassed to go the Dr!!!! How many embarrassing procedures does he think he's going to have to go through if you fail to conceive?

StupidMistakes Mon 17-Feb-14 14:56:11

There are always other options, such as surrogates, or donors. Children though maybe a part of your dream don't always happen. He was probably hoping that he would be fine but it has been playing on his mind. I was told I would need fertility treatment to get pregnant, but fell for my DS the same day. He is a true miracle. Sometimes life doesn't go quite as we planned, but if he loves you as you clearly love him, then supporting each other through it and looking at all possible options. And you never know there might be nothing wrong at all.

Firstly he needs to do the fertility testing because it will play on both of your minds, go with him, hold his hand, and why not get yourself checked out at the same time <makes him feel less alone and less embarrassed>

Hes being awkward because he is scared that he cant give you the child<ren> that you want and it will be "his" fault, and as a result will lose you. Tell him your here no matter what, kids would be wonderful but you wouldn't sacrifice him to have kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 14:58:28

It was a huge mistake of his to keep something like this secret from you and, frankly, his awkward and embarrassed attitude is not helping things at all. I don't like the expression 'man up' particularly but he has to start acting like a grown-up, take responsibility and think like a team See the doctor together, for example. Good luck

TiffanyAtBreakfast Mon 17-Feb-14 14:58:30

Thanks guys, had a little tear when I read your post StupidMistakes. I have reassured him that he won't lose me and that we'll get through it. He was really upset when he told me, so I couldn't angry, but today I feel a bit angry about him keeping this a secret from me.

I'm almost tempted to just ring the doctor's surgery, make the appointment for him and say, "you're going". Would that be terrible?

TiffanyAtBreakfast Mon 17-Feb-14 15:00:16

And you're right supadupa. It is easier said than done not to worry though. He's broken my trust pretty badly.

We're talking huge, intimate, in depth conversations about babies, and not a single mention or flinch that it would ever be a problem for us to have them sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 15:00:43

It would be terrible because it would be taking the responsibility away from him. I don't know what happened to make him think he's infertile... hope it wasn't an STI... but he's dodged responsibility every step of the way since. This is his problem to fix.... not yours.

TiffanyAtBreakfast Mon 17-Feb-14 15:02:36

Oh no, not an STI. An operation he had when he was younger. You're right. If he doesn't make this appointment himself then we're not going to know either way, and surely he wants to know just as much as I do.

Xoticdreamz Mon 17-Feb-14 15:04:04

Would feel very betrayed . He had behaved really badly , nervous about losing you or not he should have disclosed .

He should be volunteering to get checked out rather than you feeling you have to place pressure on him .

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 15:04:14

"I have reassured him that he won't lose me and that we'll get through it."

So it's OK to lie to you, hide important information and potentially dash your dreams of motherhooed but you'll 'stand by your man'?.... hmm Really think that's a good message?

cakehappy Mon 17-Feb-14 15:08:13

Wow!! That's pretty massive and totally shit of him to keep that from yousad I'd be REALLY upset! No excuse IMO... Hope this has a happy ending OP.

NoSnotAllowed Mon 17-Feb-14 15:09:04

There are sperm testing kits available on the Internet if he's too embarrassed to go to a doctor. I don't know how reliable they are but my DH did one when we were struggling to conceive and it worked well (turned out I was the one with the problems, not him).

Might not be a good idea in your case but thought I'd throw it out there for you.

tribpot Mon 17-Feb-14 15:09:23

The trouble is, I'm sure you can see for yourself, once he'd started the lie it was impossible to walk it back without this conversation coming up at some point.

None of us can know what fertility issues we may have, that's the luck of the draw. You should get some information about the specific chances of conception but I would be tempted to put that on hold for a few months so it doesn't feel like a direct punishment for lying to you. Fertility issues can put a huge strain on a marriage and, if he has a problem, that at least isn't his fault.

I would focus more on the betrayal of trust. You can have a child with a man with low fertility, but can you have one with someone who would deceive you to this degree? How does he intend to make amends and rebuild your trust?

TiffanyAtBreakfast Mon 17-Feb-14 15:11:09

It's not okay. If it was, would I be here stressing about it? He's been untruthful and I'm pretty bloody hurt right now. But he's part of my life and if we have to find other means of bringing up children in our lives then we will, whether it be adoption or something else. I don't know at the moment. Maybe it won't even come to that. I just wanted some hand holding as I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this in real life.

I've never been one to put up with crap from men, and hate all the 'stand by your man' blah, but I love him and I want us to get through this. While I appreciate you're being honest, I don't think that comment was particularly helpful sad

TiffanyAtBreakfast Mon 17-Feb-14 15:12:39

Sorry, didn't type fast enough. That was meant for Cogito.

I know. The worry is that if he can lie about something this huge, how can I trust him about anything else sad

Xoticdreamz Mon 17-Feb-14 15:17:30

It all of course could be worry over nothing if he has not been tested . I suppose he may have always carried this fear around and that must have been pretty horrible.

I hope you can both work it through .

Yelp4help Mon 17-Feb-14 15:17:44

Fertility can be rather taboo, its not a breach of trust, and as a secret, not particuarly juicy, nor indeed a secret anymore. talking to strangers on the internet about your husbands fertility is rather odd. suggest you talk it over with dh, he would be beyond embarrased to know his problems are public knowledge. good luck!

Yelp4help Mon 17-Feb-14 15:19:43

Ps - my feelings are that op is set to leave husband, and looking for validation for doing so. that is a choice for op only.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 15:21:44

Exactly. He's just revealed a very big and very important cover-up which could affect your life dramatically, he seems pathetically unwilling to see a doctor and yet the message you're giving him is 'I'll love you regardless'. I don't mean to be unhelpful but I do think you're currently setting the bar ridiculously low.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 15:25:05

In your shoes, I wouldn't be able to make any promises about not going anywhere. I think you need time to process the information, find out the real situation regarding his fertility, cone to terms with the deceit and only then can you know how you feel.

The biggest thing for me at this point in time is his reluctance to go to the doctor's.

Hope you can sort it OP, perhaps talking to a third party would help at some point.

Tell him to go to the doctor and talk about it, honestly has he got the correct information, my ex assumed he would have difficulty having kids after an operation when he was a teenager, he just completly misinterpreted something the doctor had said, and as he was a teenager at the time never questioned it, well we had two children really easily, the first on being a happy accident. Apart from that it is a massive secert to keep from you, i would be furious, but no its out in the open you need to deal with it.

forevermore Mon 17-Feb-14 15:32:51

Lots if people marry not knowing if they are fertile. Would you have changed your mind if you knew? Probably not if you were in love. However you become a mother you will love your childrensmilegood luck

forevermore Mon 17-Feb-14 15:34:41

I must add that home not dealing with it NOW would be another issuehmm

forevermore Mon 17-Feb-14 15:35:01

Sorry I meant him not home

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