Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Where are the grand gestures after ea is over?

(93 Posts)
printmeanicephoto Mon 17-Feb-14 11:07:34

Am 18 mths down the line after DH admitted emotional affair plus kissing. Its over now and he's truly repentant. We've been together nearly 20 years with 2 Dc. The recovery process would have been a whole lot easier if DH had done some grand gestures - telling me that I was the most important woman in world, how much he loves me. He was pining for OW for a while but now firmly back in reality! How do you move forward without the reassurance you need? Or is it unrealistic to expect the grand gestures when a marriage has had a bomb chucked into it?

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 20-Feb-14 14:13:42

Oh primeminister do shurrup and pipe down grin was so baffled by the post about the woman cheating on her bloke and getting away with it being her proudest achievement.

Anyhoo - hope you're feeling a bit better OP?

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 20-Feb-14 12:05:19

smile

Jan45 Thu 20-Feb-14 11:57:52

I'm feeling left out now...wink

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 20-Feb-14 11:16:35

ooOOOoo, trev, your first little mini-toasting smile

primeminister Thu 20-Feb-14 08:23:05

WhateverTrevor83 maybe the OP's gone to a thread where people bother to read what's been written, are thoughtful and kind. Oh, sorry, that wouldn't be the Mumsnet relationship thread then.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 22:05:53

My proudest achievement in life is that time I kicked a puppy up the arse, it's ok though - it forgave me wink

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life

With due respect to SAM, please don't be swayed by the person who thinks that her dh putting up with her shagging another man for five years is any sort of achievement. IMO that says a lot of sad things about her dh's self-esteem and SAM's delusion than anything else.

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't move on from this, OP.

But I can guarantee that unless he changes his mindset dramatically his selfishness and lack of caring will grind you into dust.

This is a man who is not being honest with himself about what happened (kissing is physical, not emotional) and who is gladly handing over blame to the ONE PERSON he should be bending over backwards for.

All the while he's pining for his lost love. Do you want that life? Really?

Beccawoo Wed 19-Feb-14 21:43:24

My ex dh had an affair while I was pregnant and walked out to be with ow when dc2 was 3 weeks old. He tried to get me back a few times, but no grand gestures, just asking, via text or email. Seriously, if I'd found him sleeping on my doorstep in desperation, I may have been turned, but frankly, I didn't believe him. We are now 2 years down the line, divorced, he is still with ow and she still knows nothing! Poor her.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 21:31:14

Where's OP gone? OP OP OP?

Please kick him in the balls and find someone really lovely. Or be by yourself until you're ready. Pretty please

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 20:51:13

SAM, the fact your husband took you back after such a monumental pisstake is, IMO, down to pure luck and not at all something for you to feel a sense of achiviement about

sadaboutmum Wed 19-Feb-14 20:07:58

Why is being proud of working at something so sad? I seem to have wound you all up so much.

maggiemight Wed 19-Feb-14 14:17:27

Wanting someone to change doesn't work, OP, you seem determined that your DH should do something you feel, justifiably, is necessary, but you can't make someone else do something.

Which is why I posted above that you need to do something differently because you can't change someone else you can only change yourself.

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:50:48

In all my time on here I can't believe someone who has lied, cheated, shared their body with another person can say fixing their marriage was their proudest achievement....hmm

I would guess from that that the injured party was and is so reliant and lacking in any confidence that they choose to accept and forgive such shitty, shitty treatment of them.

OP is up to you what you are willing to accept, from what you have written your OH isn't giving you anywhere near 100% of him and probably won't in the future either, especially when you are allowing him to still treat you with such contempt. He does not love you, you know it, you are just kidding yourself. If you really can't contemplate life without him, at least scupper up what's left of your self esteem and make him bloody work for you, stop being the victim.

hermionepotter Wed 19-Feb-14 12:49:53

Potentially more damaging to children IMO to stay with a cheater, as the role model you're then giving them is it's okay to be walked all over and to put up with crap. Certainly not what I'd want for my dcs. OP you're worth more.

ClemencePoesy Wed 19-Feb-14 12:07:42

You will never get the grand gesture.
You will get what he is serving up to you.
He is showing you and telling you very clearly, I hope one day soon you can listen. I wish you all the luck.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 11:53:12

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life

That would be sad even if your marriage didn't sound like a complete fucking pisstake.

Your poor husband sad

printme - he is not remotely repentant if he thinks you shouldn't have been surprised that he cheated on you physically and emotionally and then rubbed your face in his break up for 18 months.

If you shouldn't have been surprised, that means that he believes his affairs was inevitable, predictable, and understandable.

That's not regret. That's not remorse.

He's saying enough to fool you into staying with him even though he doesn't love you and doesn't respect you.

Please don't stay with this total shitbag;

NaffOrf Wed 19-Feb-14 10:56:31

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life

That is one of the saddest things I have ever read.

ageofgrandillusion Tue 18-Feb-14 22:52:19

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life and I come at that from a perspective of very nearly throwing it all away.
Im sorry sad but this just comes across as complete bullshit in light of the fact that you were at it with somebody else behind hubby's back and then pined for the OM for five years. Are you living in some kind of parallel universe here or am i missing something? You've nowt to be proud about love, believe me.

feelingvunerable Tue 18-Feb-14 22:28:16

Op- I understand that you want the marriage to work, but does your dh?

If he truley does then he would be making a huge effort to put things right and make you absolutely want to stay with him.
t
As it is he isn't doing that. Be kind to yourself. Tell your dh what you want and what you don't want. If he isn't prepared to meet these requests then I'm afraid he really isn't that bothered about you or the marriage at all.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 22:10:55

It's your life, love. Live it wisely x

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 22:08:16

Yes AF - have taken on board other opinions too and do want to maintain some self respect. Am struggling with forgiveness, but that doesn't mean it's not possible under the right circumstances - ie extreme remorse on his part and making me feel special again.

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 20:41:51

Sad - There's not really evidence to suggest children are harmed by divorce per se. There's evidence to suggest children are harmed by acrimony and by instability.

Those things may commonly be part of divorce but they are also commonly a part of the discovery and aftermath of an affair within a marriage where someone is forgiven.

The harm doesn't happen only if you decide to leave and it isn't avoided by staying. That viewpoint is oppressive to women (primarily) who have been pressured for generations to put up with bad treatment 'for the kids' and anyone who has discovered an affair and it defies logic.

I don't think it is anything to do with not believing in forgiveness. For a start you can forgive without staying together. Also, the choice to stay together has to be made realistically if it is going to work. From what the op says this guy is not even taking responsibility for what he is done and is still directing his love towards ow. He has not shown any signs in his behaviour that he wants to be with the op.

Was that the case in your relationship sad? Did you deny it was an affair, indicate it was partially your husband's fault and show him no love or care?

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 20:39:27

It would be a shame, OP, if that one post in all these up in arms about how cruel this man has been, swayed you to overlooking this fact sad

bearing in mind that we don't know who is on the other end of the 't'internet, and why

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 20:37:55

sorry, meant SAM

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 20:25:06

Sad - I appreciate your post and it has helped me. Thank you. I believe in grace and forgiveness too. X

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now