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Where are the grand gestures after ea is over?

(93 Posts)
printmeanicephoto Mon 17-Feb-14 11:07:34

Am 18 mths down the line after DH admitted emotional affair plus kissing. Its over now and he's truly repentant. We've been together nearly 20 years with 2 Dc. The recovery process would have been a whole lot easier if DH had done some grand gestures - telling me that I was the most important woman in world, how much he loves me. He was pining for OW for a while but now firmly back in reality! How do you move forward without the reassurance you need? Or is it unrealistic to expect the grand gestures when a marriage has had a bomb chucked into it?

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 11:04:43

Have you told him that a relationship that is inappropriate because it is with someone other than the person you have agreed to be monogamous with, that involves sexual interest and activity, is the very definition of an affair?! hmm

I think you should dump him tbh. Grand gestures often mean nothing and are made by people who want to cover up their lies/lack of feelings IMO. You aren't asking for grand gestures, you're just asking that he do the bare minimum that should be expected in a relationship - that he show his love, that he understands and cares for your needs.

So what you have is someone who doesn't care for you and for someone reason (desperate to cover up he did shag her?) is motivated to minimise his behaviour and not take responsibility for it.

Don't put up with being treated like that, please! I think you should sack him off and move on, he's only going to continue hurting you.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:12:21

Until recently he's basically been pining for her since it happened (18 mths ago). So Ive stood by and known his head (but not his body) was somewhere else for all that time (its been sooo hard). Now he says he really wants to commit to our marriage. I know he"s truly repentant but I feel like ive changed. I want it to work but still feel so hurt. We have 2 kids at primary school.

Uptheanty Tue 18-Feb-14 12:22:27

It must have been utterly soul destroying to witness your dh mourn someone else...no wonder you feel different now.

I think you've been very brave to try to hold all of this together but i really feel that you need to put yourself first now.

Your dh sounds like a selfish, self absorbed pig of a man. This may not be how he always was, but it's certainly how he's been behaving towards you.

Has his fog cleared yet? Has he noticed YOU his WIFE yet?

If not then you really need to start making changes yourself.

I'm very angry on your behalf and hope you can find the strength that you need so you can be treated how you deserve to be thanks

AnyFucker Tue 18-Feb-14 12:30:39

Well, this is the problem that cheaters need to face when they do what they do

The cheated-upon may initially take them back and try to forgive and forget, but in many cases, after the hysterical bonding period, they wake up and smell the coffee

by realising that the "prize" they won is actually tarnished forever and actually deserves to be sent back due to not being fit for purpose

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:41:27

Don't think we've had a hysterical bonding period. Been too naffed off to do that and his head has been elsewhere.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:42:02

No double entendre intended ha hs.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 12:42:49

God, you didn't even get a hysterical bonding period ?

How utterly miserable

Why have you stood by for months and watched him pine for another woman ?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 12:48:43

Wanting to forgive is a good intention but you know what they say about the Road to Hell being paved with those...? hmm Traumatic emotional events do and should change us as people. Being betrayed so severely by someone who is supposed to love you is about as bad as it gets. If we experienced trauma and stayed the same, we'd simply be naïve.

So you've changed, he's changed & therefore the relationship has changed. You've had chance to reassess your opinion of him and maybe you don't like what you see?

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:56:30

Yeah standing by has made me feel utterly shit. Feel second best.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:57:33

But there may still be some hope with counselling.

Redoubtable Tue 18-Feb-14 13:03:20

Hope for who or what?

You? In or out of this dis-respectful relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 13:04:37

Counselling may help you work out why you felt obliged to stand by, feel shit and allow yourself to be second prize in the beauty contest. hmm I'd concentrate on boosting your own confidence and self-esteem for a while. It's taken a total hammering and you really shouldn't have to tell a loving man to up his game. His 'it wasn't really an affair' attitude could be tough to shift, even with counselling.

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 13:06:36

Do you honestly and truly feel there's enough love between the two of you to get over this and spend the rest of your lives together - it's not sounding very likely.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 13:06:48

Hope for what ?

To change him from a dead loss into somethig he isn't ?

Anyone who really loved you wouldn't have put you through witnessing that. Fair enough, maybe he loved this OW. But somebody with your best interests at heart would have taken himself away to lick his wounds, not continued to avail himself of domestic services and watched you slowly die in front of him

Nasty, nasty behaviour

shey02 Tue 18-Feb-14 14:03:53

OP sounds like you have changed and rightly so, are you sure you wish to settle for counselling and getting through this? Some do, but it's hard work. Can you imagine a life without him?

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 15:09:57

We weren't getting on great before the ea and although repentant he says I shouldn't be that surprised that it happened! I was surprised!

hermionepotter Tue 18-Feb-14 15:11:47

hmm
he sounds very entitled
It sounds as if he's blaming you for the affair rather than taking responsibility

MorrisZapp Tue 18-Feb-14 15:18:01

Oh no come on, this is just awful. Really, you can't be with this idiot now. He had an affair and blamed you? Then refused to make any effort to make things better?

No. Get him dumped. This will only erode your self esteem further if you let him hang about.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 15:19:42

Yes he says he's 100 percent to blame but that I shouldn't be surprised.

Uptheanty Tue 18-Feb-14 15:24:32

I feel that his behaviour since the ea is actually emotional abuse.
You sound apologetic for your very existence.

It appears he's got you trained to accept whatever he says and expect nothing.

You are worth so much more than you think you are.

You can feel whole again.
You are worthy.
You deserve to be happy.
You can be ok without him- probably better.

Ask yourself this, what are YOU getting from this marriage?

hermionepotter Tue 18-Feb-14 15:33:15

you shouldn't be surprised shock hmm just why tf not, since you were married angry come on OP that's just not on, I think you know that.

He should be extremely grateful if you're forgiving an affair IMO, irrespective of the 'why'

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 15:56:57

eh ? You "shouldn't be surprised" ?

Who the fuck does he think he is

He has virtually told you there that the next time you are "not getting on great" (as happens in all relationships) that he will go out and have another affair, and you should not be surprised by that

you are being very silly, love

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:04:53

Be prepared for many more affairs in the future OP.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 16:06:17

I agree with AF. The 'shouldn't be surprised' response sound a lot like one of these non-apologies that politicians trot out when they're in the soup. 'I'm sorry if others found my behaviour unacceptable in the circumstances'.... is not the same as saying 'I behaved badly and I am sorry'.

Do you not feel like you're being made to look a fool?

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:09:58

The fact he pined for this OW in front of you like a wounded dog would've been enough for me to say bye, bye forever. Sorry I'm not meaning to make you feel worse but this man has no real intentions towards you.

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