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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Good this be progress in the right direction.

50 replies

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 16/02/2014 19:36

We are both 38, I am divorced with two dc's 7 and 18. He has never been married. We have been together 2.5 years. He stays 4-5 days at mine including every weekend. Helps with the school run and goes on holiday with us.

The problem is, he refused to move in with me twice last year, saying he likes things as they are. I buying a new house and moving inin April. I would love him to move in with me but having been rejected twice, I don't intend to ask.

Anyway this last week, I said to him that I would like us to acquire something as a couple. Something that belonged to us and we both decided upon, she asked what that something would be and I said, I would like us to buy a really nice bed for the new house. I expected him to be all sensible and say we both have beds,,. Anyway he agreed to it and we have spent this weekend visiting furniture shops and agreeing on a budget.

He bought me some lovely flowers and cooked be a 7 course dinner on Friday night, to was so nice so I said to him that I have decided I want to be with him until we grow old so he should by me a diamond or Saphire. I told him we could go to hatton garden in London and get one designed for us. I asked him when would be a good weekend to do this, he said anytime. So I suggested weekend after next. He agreed to come.

Could it be he is changing his mind about living together? Did anyone have a partner resisting living together or marriage? Did you all get a grand romantic proposal? Any advice for me?

OP posts:

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akawisey · 16/02/2014 19:41

Thing is Life it's all coming from you and he's apparently going along with it so I can't see how you can ever be sure that he'd change his mind of his own accord? Maybe I'm cynical though.

oldgrandmama · 16/02/2014 19:44

Blimey! You asked him to buy you a diamond or sapphire in Hatton Garden - and something designed for you! Not saying you're pushy or grabby but ... he's buying you a bed (is that going ahead?) and now you're pushing him for jewellery. Well, I admire your chutzpah! Not sure he's going to want to move in, though ... maybe he reckons it'd be too expensive!

Logg1e · 16/02/2014 19:57

You write a lot about your actions (and demands!) but I don't see much about his. I'm not sure why you are anticipating a grand romantic gesture. He's told you what he wants but you don't appear to have heard it.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 16/02/2014 20:05

There is much to be said for the arrangement you have at the moment.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 16/02/2014 20:41

Thank you everyone, firstly, we are both buying the bed and yes that's going ahead. No I am not a grabber, I earn a lot more than he does but I must point out that he is independent and can support himself and me if it ever become necessary.

I only suggested the bed because its a smaller commitment than a joint mortgage. He is a bit different to me. He is quite laid back and enjoys simple day to day things including work and his hobbies. He does even spend much of his money. He is content with life as it is. He has a a good job, good girlfriend and a hobby he enjoys. Life could not be better. I on the other hand would like us to be more traditional and share a home together. We have discussed this before and split up for a fortnight a year ago. We got back together because we missed each other and our relationship. I was very Clear when we got back that I wanted share my home with my partner.

Logg1e you are right, he does not make demands, that's why I want to commit to him.

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Lifeisforlivingkatie · 16/02/2014 20:42

Temperamental, what do you mean?

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Logg1e · 16/02/2014 20:45

I think the "grabby" comments are about you suggesting he buy your jewellery. It's not usual to suggest that somebody buys you a present.

I think he's been very clear and honest about who he is and what he wants. I think you need to accept him for who he is.

JeanSeberg · 16/02/2014 20:48

I agree the current arrangement sounds perfect. I can understand him not wanting to change to.

Or are you wanting to have more children with him?

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 16/02/2014 20:50

Are there any examples of couples who Live separately i
As a long term option? All my single girl friends would lo e to meet a nice man and marry.

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Logg1e · 16/02/2014 20:52

Why does it matter about other people?

ImperialBlether · 16/02/2014 20:52

I think it's fair enough that if he's spending 4 nights per week at your house then he should share the cost of a new bed.

However, he is showing no signs of wanting to live with you. The fact he was nice to you and cooked for you is great, but maybe he just likes you and doesn't want anything more?

Maybe he doesn't want a step family. I know it's not what you want to hear, but maybe that's not how he sees his life going.

Re-read your post. You said "he agreed to come." Not that he instigated this, but agreed to go with you to buy you this ring that you have decided you deserve.

He's telling you he doesn't want what you want, OP.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 16/02/2014 20:52

Hello Jean, no I do t want more children. I suppose one assumes that living together is a natural progression of a good relationship.

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TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 16/02/2014 21:19

I am fairly recently divorced after a long marriage. I now have a DP but we live apart and see each other a couple of times a week, sometimes we hang out together for a few days or go on holiday. I am an old gimmer and actually need time to myself, so does he, we wouldn't last 10 min if we moved in together.

If I were younger I would want more time together. 4-5 days a week sounds good to me. But I am different from you; and I've done my time in a marriage bringing up 2 DC together with their father.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 16/02/2014 21:22

I agree time apart keeps things fresh and exciting. But there is something to be said about fully committed relationship.

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TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 16/02/2014 21:32

And something to be said for independence.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 16/02/2014 21:32

Are they mutually exclusive?

MomentOfTruth · 16/02/2014 21:44

You can be in a truly committed relationship and live apart. I do know a couple of people who do that and it's working well for them.

But I think you are reading too much into him agreeing to buy a bed with you. He has just agreed to buy a bed, not come and live with you.
He is clearly just going with the flow there, maybe because he is afraid of your reaction if he says that NO he doesn't want to live with you.
Now a question for you: Would you be happy if he was saying 'YES I am coming to live with you' if this was only done out of fear.

TonyThePony · 16/02/2014 21:49

It sounds like you're trying to shoehorn him into a marriage.

Surely all these gestures and gifts would be nicer if they were of his own accord? Stop pushing him.

If he doesn't want to live with you and you do want to live with a partner, you're obviously not compatible, you can't just force him to do what you want. That isn't fair on either of you.

NaffOrf · 16/02/2014 21:52

he is independent and can support himself and me if it ever become necessary.

Why on earth might that become necessary?

Cabrinha · 16/02/2014 22:06

I don't think you can see buying a bed together as a commitment?! Quite bizarre to consider it on a scale with a joint mortgage!
And I'm gobsmacked that you just told him that he was going to buy you a diamond or sapphire!
He may be lovely, you may work well together - but I don't think you can take either as a sign that he's going to decide to live with you, sorry.
I really like my post divorce boyfriend, but just don't imagine us living together for several reasons not to do with a lack of commitment.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 16/02/2014 22:27

Clearly a few people miss the point. I was not expecting him to agree to either of my suggestions because he refused to move in with me a while back and the last time I asked was over a year ago. He can stand his own ground and is not one to do what he does not want to do. Maybe I am reading too much into things. Nafforf I don't expect to ever be in a position where I cannot support myself. They point was that, I earn more than he does but he rearms more than enough oh his own accord. Only a few of my girlfriends have commented on this, stating they would not be with a man wo earns less than them, I also wanted the readers to my post to know that I am not looking for him to live with me for financial reasons.

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Only1scoop · 16/02/2014 22:34

Suggesting he buys you jewellery does sound rather pushy. Sounds like he is just happy as he is....

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Lifeisforlivingkatie · 16/02/2014 22:39

Yes he is happy as we are, I would like more, surely there must be a halfway point.

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Only1scoop · 16/02/2014 22:50

You can't 'make' someone want to live with you....isn't what you have now the halfway point really? You stay together the majority of the time.

EirikurNoromaour · 17/02/2014 06:57

You told him he should buy you jewellery? Fucking hell! Who does that?

As to your main question - your setup sounds ideal and I wouldn't mess with it, personally. It's what I aspire to in a relationship.

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